Everything is great apart from our sex life

[Andyls]

Please don't flame me!

First of all I love my partner very much but the lack of sex life is eating away at me inside. We have 2 children one just turned 2 the other is 6.

Since we have had our 1st ive really struggled with our sex life, at first it was oh it must just be hormones while pregnant, then it was it must be hormones while breastfeeding and it can take 2 years for a woman to feel semi normal again after birth and breastfeeding. The problem now is my youngest is more than 2 years old we are past the (2 year for a woman's hormones to get to normal stage)

We've tried so much, she's stopped taking the pill and few months ago to see if it would help her get more in the mood. It didn't work. I track her cycle (she's knows this) so I know when her "sex" hormones are at the highest still doesn't work. How it normally goes it i don't mention sex to her until she is the best time in her cycle. But every night after shes had her period we go bed I always think maybe tonight and it never happens until I get sexually frustrated I end up asking her if we can have sex week or at the weekend which I know is pathetic to even. She often says ok but she's just fobbing me off to stop me asking her. Then nothing happens on the days we are supposed to. I know she sees sex as just a physical act but to me it's so much more than that. It shows me I can trust her and that she actually cares abouts me and our relationship and everything we have. I havnt said this to her because she'll just think I'm talking about sex again but I genuinely feel I've been waiting since the birth of our first 6 years for things to get better and its just not.

We usually manage once a month and I feel I'm compromising at that and the longer I go without the more insecure I feel about everything in our relationship and weather we even have a future. It's a real deal breaker for me but I genuinely think she doesn't know how I feel about it and it's just another job for her to do. I can't go on forever this way and always thought there would be light at the end of the tunnel but we're just going backwards. We haven't had sex in over a month yet I've been fully supportive of her . She says she just doesn't feel like it, she has said this before but she enjoys it once we get going but it's the getting going part that's the problem. Any thoughts? I don't want to be pushed into the position of accept a sexless relationship or breakup my family and start again.

To be honest, the lack of sex sounds like the least of your problems.

It doesn't sound like your wife likes you very much. She shows no interest in your day, never tells you she loves you, never initiates any form of affection.

And yet you say "Everything is great"?

You're using the prospect of sex as a band aid to hide everything else that's wrong with your relationship. Because the sex isn't going to start happening until your wife can at least tolerate you.

So you need to actually talk to your wife and get to the route cause of the issue. Maybe she's just exhausted, maybe she feels you don't pull your weight. Maybe she's touched out by the kids, or she's depressed, or maybe she just doesn't love you any more. If you can find out the issue, then you can see if it's something that can be fixed.

And if she won't talk to you about it and pretends everythings OK, then you have your answer, you may as well end the relationship.

I'd hedge my bets on you being a sex pest which makes her not want it even more

Yep.

And OP your thread title claims that everything's great apart from sex.

Then when you don't get the answers you've been hoping for you claim that everything's been rocky for six years.

Which is it?

Honestly, if I knew my husband was tracking my cycle to the extent you're tracking your wife's, my vagina would clamp shut.

You seem to see sex as transactional. No wonder she doesn't want it.

How do you and your wife divide the housework and childcare?

You have been asked this many times, but have not answered.

Maybe you're too busy tracking her cycle to wash up or hoover.

I would really focus on making her feel supported and recommend you put all your effort in your family, home and taking the kids out for a decent amount of time so she can have a break and have some time to herself. I bet she’s exhausted from looking after the kids and everything that goes with running a house and doesn’t need another job to do if she’s not in the mood. If she more time to catch her breathe you might find she has more time for you.

"But that’s true and I’m not the only one who has said it, some women on here just assume the woman is never at fault and it must be the man being a lazy arsehole. If it was the other way around and a woman was saying her husband was refusing to have sex with her then she would be told to leave him because life is too short for a sexless relationship."

@frecklejuice and your ridiculous whataboutery is the misogyny I'm talking about. Perhaps if it was the other way around people would be saying that. But unless you just landed on earth you should be able to understand the fundamental differences between men and women and the different roles they often play within a family and a relationship.

Statistically speaking, in heterosexual relationships, women carry a significantly higher load when it comes to domestic labour. They carry the children, give birth, are the primary caregivers, do the majority of the domestic labour - often while also either working PT or FT outside the home.

So if a man is saying that his wife who is statistically likely to be doing all of the above (and in some cases more than that - I know some women who are also informal carers for elderly relatives for example) is no longer "making time for him" or "giving him sex", then I would deduce that he is indeed a lazy arsehole who is aggravated at now having to share his wife's time and labour with others.

And if a woman who is already doing most of the above then also has a partner who can't even be bothered to provide some physical affection and/or romance then again, I would also call him a lazy arsehole.

Women deserve better than either scenario, and while some women may have internalised misogyny to the extent that they are happy to be treated like a domestic appliance, it is good to see that others are waking up and at least questioning why on earth they should be expected to give everything of themselves to everybody.

So yes, your post is misogynistic.

I was going to say exactly this. Every update seems to be more bitter and resentful than the last, to the point where it sounds like the only reason he is staying is because he'll still get more sex than he would being single!

Yes, this with knobs.

If I may, I stopped having sex at 40, now 45, married, no kids.
Simply started loathing it and tbh, don't flame me, loathing men.
I offered to my husband to divorce, we have our own assets and there's a huge age difference between us.
I'm set for life anyway so I'm indifferent to the practicalities of finance etc.
My husband immediately said no, our marriage is worth far more than sex and has been "behaving accordingly".
All good, going into 20th year.

Agreed. Like a bear trap.

This post makes me happy to be single.

Seriously? Do you not understand why the sex pay gap exists? It's literally because women are expected to do all this unpaid labour in the first place. And making money does not give anyone entitlement to somebody else's body. Utter misogyny-shameful.

No... usually if women say they aren't interested in sex... it's because they aren't interested in the sex that is being offered!

Nothing is a bigger turn off than an entitled man-child pestering for sex.

What a load of sexist twaddle.

Of course I would.
But I'm 45, he's 74. A good man. The likelihood he'd bother is miniscule.

Are you married and do you have children? Just curious.

Do you really think people
are that desperate for sex they need to cheat on their partner? What a depressing thought. Everyone has different sex drives and a real marriage will go through ups and downs including how much sex you have.

And this.

@TheShellBeach thank you, it's so disheartening to see this misogynistic bullshit.

Exactly, then she'll be rid, with the house and child maintenance!
😂

Bloody hell, when you put it like this, mate
🤮

Were not married

You'll still have to pay child maintenance my guy