Everything is great apart from our sex life

[Andyls]

Please don't flame me!

First of all I love my partner very much but the lack of sex life is eating away at me inside. We have 2 children one just turned 2 the other is 6.

Since we have had our 1st ive really struggled with our sex life, at first it was oh it must just be hormones while pregnant, then it was it must be hormones while breastfeeding and it can take 2 years for a woman to feel semi normal again after birth and breastfeeding. The problem now is my youngest is more than 2 years old we are past the (2 year for a woman's hormones to get to normal stage)

We've tried so much, she's stopped taking the pill and few months ago to see if it would help her get more in the mood. It didn't work. I track her cycle (she's knows this) so I know when her "sex" hormones are at the highest still doesn't work. How it normally goes it i don't mention sex to her until she is the best time in her cycle. But every night after shes had her period we go bed I always think maybe tonight and it never happens until I get sexually frustrated I end up asking her if we can have sex week or at the weekend which I know is pathetic to even. She often says ok but she's just fobbing me off to stop me asking her. Then nothing happens on the days we are supposed to. I know she sees sex as just a physical act but to me it's so much more than that. It shows me I can trust her and that she actually cares abouts me and our relationship and everything we have. I havnt said this to her because she'll just think I'm talking about sex again but I genuinely feel I've been waiting since the birth of our first 6 years for things to get better and its just not.

We usually manage once a month and I feel I'm compromising at that and the longer I go without the more insecure I feel about everything in our relationship and weather we even have a future. It's a real deal breaker for me but I genuinely think she doesn't know how I feel about it and it's just another job for her to do. I can't go on forever this way and always thought there would be light at the end of the tunnel but we're just going backwards. We haven't had sex in over a month yet I've been fully supportive of her . She says she just doesn't feel like it, she has said this before but she enjoys it once we get going but it's the getting going part that's the problem. Any thoughts? I don't want to be pushed into the position of accept a sexless relationship or breakup my family and start again.

Don't most men know when there wife is on their period?

When a man isn’t having as much sex as his wife wants it’s the man’s fault. When a woman isn’t having as much sex as a man wants it’s the man’s fault. Always the same on here.

OP fwiw I wouldn’t be at all happy with once a month, or feeling it was done out of duty, or that I or my wishes were inconvenient, selfish or somehow unrealistic.

We’ve got kids including a one year old who I’m still breastfeeding. Having sex with my husband is one of the things that’s just for us, it keeps us connected, a way to unwind, be more than mum and dad, something that’s stayed the same as before kids.

no comment?

Look to your own invasive, sex pest behaviour then

I’m sorry Op, having mismatched desire for sex is miserable for both of you :(

Does she get many chances to be ‘herself’ away from the home and kids? Time to choose her own activities, look after her own needs?

Being worn down by parenting and managing a home (even if generally you like having that role) can be a hard rut to get out of. Sex under pressure can feel like just another chore on the list :(

Maybe she needs a break.

Since my youngest was 1 year old, I’ve taken mini breaks (2-3 nights) by myself to a spa hotel or airbnb to catch up on sleep, read, chill etc. they do me so much good and I get the chance to miss my husband and kids

I wish I could prescribe them to all women

Tracking her periods!!

It’s not that, it’s the detailed interest you seem to have in her cyclical hormones. Ovulation doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be up for it. You’re more likely to get somewhere by being super supportive, caring, kind, and sharing the mental load of the household. This is oftentimes things you will not even realise she does…I guarantee there’s nothing more libido boosting than feeling safe, and supported. Do not ask; ‘can I do anything..,?’ Because even having to tell you is work for her brain. Pre-empt, observe all the things she does to maintain family balance and share those.

In what ways other than attempting to have sex have you put effort into your relationship?

It’s not always about points in your cycle! Kids make you feel… unsexy. It’s really hard to feel that way when you’re ’touched out.’ You need time to date, feel close, lots of not sexual intimacy.

Thank the lord, a helpful post!!

I was watching an interview recently with a famous musician and a therapist of some kind where the musician was told off for having no idea what his wife's cycle was. The therapist told him that was so important for a healthy relationship and that there were certain days in the cycle where it is pointless trying to d discuss a contentious issue as a woman is least receptive and far more likely to get upset and argue, but other days where difficult conversations would be more likely to go well. She clearly felt it was very healthy for a man to know his partner's cycle and give her space and understanding when most needed.

I was thinking this too, reading through all the replies.

without a shadow of a doubt, if a woman came on here saying her DH will not have sex with her and turns her down every time, everyone would be saying LTB.

Children are exhausting, I really do get it, I have 4 and 1 has severe SEN. But if I had turned my partner down for months / years and sex was just completely off the cards, I would just let him know and have an honest conversation that it's not something I wanted to participate in anymore, and let him make his own decision from there.

it's totally selfish to lose all interest in sex and just brush it under the carpet and not give the other person the decency to let them know, so they can stop initiating and decide whether they want to continue a sexless marriage or move on.

If my husband tracked my periods and only tried to have sex with me when I was ovulating (which is what I'm presuming you're doing, as that's when you think hormonally she's most likely to be "up for it") I would either think he was deliberately trying to get me pregnant or just thought I had such little control over my own body that my primal "urges" would overtake whatever else was going on in my life and he'd be chancing a shag based on that alone.

Either option would be so utterly ick inducing that my fanny would likely seal itself shut.

You'll know when she's on her period as she'll tell you if she needs to. There is NO reason whatsoever to track her menstrual cycle. Stop doing that, stop assuming things about hormones and actually talk to your wife.

@Andyls "it shows me I can trust her"!?

WTF does that mean?

I disagree with this. I would find it creepy and intrusive. Also it’s not particularly helpful as periods can be irregular and the stages can be quite different at different times of the month. We are not sheep. We can actually enjoy sex at any time or hate it all month. People still seem to forget that sex is VERY psychological for women. You need to focus on your actual relationship op.

I actually think that this is fine. This is a forum mostly used by women. So what if a lot of posters come here to chat to and help other women? Women don't owe men their attention.

You said that she came off the pill to see if that helped - is she using any contraception now?

This is weird. Does she want you to do this? She's not some prize cattle or breeding dog, she's a real person capable of telling you when she wants to have sex, you don't need to wait for her to go into heat.

If any man " tracked my cycle"
, he'd be out of my life

@VivianLea and by that standard men don't owe women theirs? A relationship isn't a friendship, most enter into relationships for intimacy. Most couples don't start out saying 'I'll shag you until we have kids, and then I won't bother anymore'. This isn't six months PP, this is two years. Your wife should be communicating what she needs. Unless you're missing what she's saying/ showing.
But she might have just gone off you. In which case you have the right to leave. No one has to stay in a sexless marriage.

This

Thanks for saying this. There is also psychological aspects and some people are sexually avoidant. Therapy could help, however she's gotta want to do that. And, you're not being unreasonable. It can be difficult, however say what you've said on your message to her and see what she says and mention therapy.

You may well have a relationship with saving.

I'm torn on this one. It is intrusive, but if a couple has been together for a year and the husband notices that sex happens at regular intervals (in line with her cycle), wouldn't that mean he can lay off the 'hints' for those non-likely days?

The alternative is that he asks every day, and is accused of being a sex pest. If you wanted sex and noticed your partner was only in the mood after a football match, wouldn't you be checking the match times, and not even bother the rest of the time?

OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I do feel for you. Having sex is not just about having an orgasm. It's about communicating and interacting with your partner in a very personal and close way. It's as much about the intimacy, the post-sex cuddles and all the rest, than the actual sex.

When you stop communicating sexually, you also start engaging less with each other, o find.

And it's tricky, because when you're sexually mismatched I don't think there's a long-term solution. The low-drive partner just cannot see what the big deal is about not having sex, whilst the higher drive partner feels ore and more dejected.

You know your options: a) accept you won't have a fulfilling sex life; b) divorce, c) find a lover.

Good luck.

I can sort of see what you’re doing with tracking her cycles but realistically I would hate it and it would add to the pressure. Can you stop doing that? And some of the other things about dating her again sound good