Everything is great apart from our sex life

[Andyls]

Please don't flame me!

First of all I love my partner very much but the lack of sex life is eating away at me inside. We have 2 children one just turned 2 the other is 6.

Since we have had our 1st ive really struggled with our sex life, at first it was oh it must just be hormones while pregnant, then it was it must be hormones while breastfeeding and it can take 2 years for a woman to feel semi normal again after birth and breastfeeding. The problem now is my youngest is more than 2 years old we are past the (2 year for a woman's hormones to get to normal stage)

We've tried so much, she's stopped taking the pill and few months ago to see if it would help her get more in the mood. It didn't work. I track her cycle (she's knows this) so I know when her "sex" hormones are at the highest still doesn't work. How it normally goes it i don't mention sex to her until she is the best time in her cycle. But every night after shes had her period we go bed I always think maybe tonight and it never happens until I get sexually frustrated I end up asking her if we can have sex week or at the weekend which I know is pathetic to even. She often says ok but she's just fobbing me off to stop me asking her. Then nothing happens on the days we are supposed to. I know she sees sex as just a physical act but to me it's so much more than that. It shows me I can trust her and that she actually cares abouts me and our relationship and everything we have. I havnt said this to her because she'll just think I'm talking about sex again but I genuinely feel I've been waiting since the birth of our first 6 years for things to get better and its just not.

We usually manage once a month and I feel I'm compromising at that and the longer I go without the more insecure I feel about everything in our relationship and weather we even have a future. It's a real deal breaker for me but I genuinely think she doesn't know how I feel about it and it's just another job for her to do. I can't go on forever this way and always thought there would be light at the end of the tunnel but we're just going backwards. We haven't had sex in over a month yet I've been fully supportive of her . She says she just doesn't feel like it, she has said this before but she enjoys it once we get going but it's the getting going part that's the problem. Any thoughts? I don't want to be pushed into the position of accept a sexless relationship or breakup my family and start again.

I can't believe those who are saying use your right hand. Is a marriage without sex not just a really good friendship and can lead to co-existing? It's the insecurities it brings with it, wondering why they don't want to or if there is no attraction there, or the lack of intimate connection, not to mention oxytocin. I have been both sides of the fence. And let's face facts, we all feel better after a good orgasm and go about our days a little happier.

Tracking cycles, while good intent may be there, would be extremely off putting for me. It's a little bit of private, and yeah if not in the mood can say 'still here' with the hopes of an early night and more energy tomorrow.

As others have said, date her. If no option for babysitters, do this at home, whatever you both enjoy (but don't expect sex). I think many women appreciate the little things. When I have had my moments feeling like it's expected makes me want it less. Perhaps she needs warming up more. But after a stressful day there's no hope. It's hard as a mum to switch your head off, so then it's about feeling relaxed enough to enjoy. - so think what could assist here.

Have you had the open and honest conversation on how it makes you feel? We have had them, bash me if you want - but his weight at times. Others I am the right side of 40, and peri has already arrived, it's been tricky at times when cycles come more frequent (but my husband only knows by me going into the bathroom and ffs-ing, not tracking my cycles), health issues that cause tiredness (me) and a teen daughter with a health condition which keeps me awake at nights sometimes, but still, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

You seem confused OP. She doesn't know how you feel. So tell her, you said "it's a dealbreaker " so tell her that. You don't want to split the family- nobody does ideally, but either it's a dealbreaker or it isn't. You could always follow it up with asking if she feels you support home and family life enough, or is feeling resentful?

No, most men probably know when their wife says “let’s not do xyz tonight as I’m on my period”.

Another one here finding it really gross that you think only certain times of the month are open for shagging, so you only bother during the week after her period. Like WTF?!

For me it has nothing to do with the time of the month, it’s about how well you feel connected to someone. I need some time chatting, hugging, kissing and to feel like he has my back before I want to shag him. If you’re not spending time being affectionate and intimate outside of bed, you’ll be less likely to get sex once you’re in bed.

Young kids aren’t just tough on your body, they’re tough emotionally and it can be hard to switch your brain off from mum mode into sexy wife mode, so any help to compartmentalise a bit would help you both. Don’t expect her to go straight from bedtime stories and tucking in toddlers to wanting sex. She’ll need some time to unwind, relax and feel more like herself for a bit, so make sure she’s not cleaning the kitchen and putting washing on after doing bedtimes etc

Make sure you’re pulling your weight at all times, especially if she’s working out of the house too. Make sure she has time to feel like herself and that she is able to connect with you as a man, not just as mum and dad.

If you have a child just turned 2 chances are she’s just wrecked. Like exhausted can barely function when do I get to bed wrecked. Like EXHAUSTED. Men think of sex and love, women think of the hugs, the kisses, the laughs, the I love yous as love and sex is a thing we feel up for when we feel human and feel like our old selves. As someone who didn’t realise sex was equivalent to live in a man’s eyes, and is going through a probable break up (20 years in and 4 kids), I’d say talk to her (but remember she’s probably bloody exhausted!!)

How utterly bizarre I'm so very glad I don't have this kind of marriage and feel heart sorry for your wife. After my 4 th pregnancy and twins at that I felt no need or want of sex for 3 years and thank goodness I had a hubby who was happy to first talk about it and second make me feel adored still with cuddles kisses and no sex. Why did this happen I have no idea as before the twin pregnancy I was fine during and after about sex. Didn't feel the need, felt totally exhausted etc even when we managed an anniversary weekend it didn't happen and neither was there any expected pressure. Gradually on the last 6 months it's all gone back to normal but it's been over 3 years and never once have I felt unloved and I'm disgusted by this post because believe it or not sex is not the b all and end all in a beautiful, loving marriage

I’d be wondering if you have actually given her the complete ick now, and as that ick grows, her vagina continually clamps tighter shut.
The tracking her cycle so you know when to hit her up for sex would create a really irritating expectation. Ovulation can also come with other symptoms, so it may not even be the time in the cycle she wants sex.
she probably views you as a bit of a sex pest, which turns her off. It’s a viscious cycle. The more cycle tracking and weird stuff, the more she gets the ick. The more she gets the ick, the less likely she is to want sex. The less she wants it, the more your weirdness probably increases.
alas, I’d say it’s up to you to break this cycle. Apologise for the creepy shit and pestering, help her deal with her exhaustion and any other stressors in life, and tell her you will take it off the table for a while. She will most likely come around far more quickly when she doesn’t think you are viewing her as a couple of holes and tracking her cycle waiting for your turn!

Wow. Incel rhetoric. So breaking up the family then? Breaking the hearts of two little children cos poor man can’t get his dick wet? Pathetic.

No mate. It’s entirely about sex. You don’t appear to know what an actual relationship is. And I’ll give you a clue - it’s not about tracking someone’s period as a ‘self reassurance tool.’ Jeez. 🙄

You’ve had some useful responses on here op. Communication. Date your wife. Take the pressure off.

😂😂 it’s one of the reasons MN is often so hilarious.

There are often recommendations on here to break up for less than that…

I've felt this way for years, the sex we did have once a month made up for all the other things I don't like in our relationship and literally gets me through the month. I really really don't want to start again with someone else. Like I've said I've always thoughts things would get better and I wouldn't have to plan or ask for sex and it would just happen naturally. She doesn't give me any signs emotionally that's she cares about me or us so sex is what took away any worries I had. I really do love her and would support her to my dieing day but I need to not feel a fool for over investing and putting effort into our relationship when she doesn't put the effort in. If one person is trying and the other isn't whats the point? She never discusses her feelings about anything and doesn't give me any signs things aren't OK.

Doesn’t put the effort into what? Just sex? 🙄

you have a 2 year old who I presume you made via sex? So it’s only been 2 years. It seems a bit early to be cutting your losses. So are you dating her? This is what the early years are like. It takes a lot more effort than watching her cycle. There is a lot of advice on this thread.

I don’t think sex is going to happen naturally when you have a toddler 😂

With all due respect; I find your post a lot more bizarre.

A marriage with little To no sex for three years is not a marriage, it’s a friendship.

Seriously? I completely disagree. A marriage is a marriage and most of that should be friendship, especially during the early childhood years!

We can agree to disagree then.

I can be friends with anyone I want, but I can only be intimate with my partner/wife/Husband. That's the difference between a marriage and a friendship.

If my partner tracked my cycles and pounced on me at ovulation, I'd never want sex with him ever again.

I can't get past tracking her cycle.

Bottom line is she doesn’t want sex with you. I suspect she has a sex drive but for whatever reason she doesn’t want it with you. That may never change. You’re on a hiding to nothing charting her hormones. She might be feeling totally horny but have no inclination whatsoever to have sex with you. Sorry to be blunt but you’ll get a lot of advice about doing the laundry, dating her, showing affection in other ways but sometimes it won’t make a blind bit of difference. No one here can ever really know how your wife feels about sex but she is showing you loud and clear she doesn’t want it with you. If she won’t discuss it chances are she doesn’t want to tell you outright that she’d rather not have sex with you.

I think it’s ok to walk away from the relationship in your position but stop pestering her for sex she doesn’t want it.

OP whether or not you are willing to stay in a sexless relationship or are willing to leave your young children is one thing. However right now I think you could really do some work to undo why you need sex to believe she loves you and is committed to you. It’s a bit of a cliche but have you looked into love languages? The book would be really helpful to you and may help to relieve the pressure and bring some peace in the here and now. It focuses specifically on this issue in the case study.

So you're tracking her cycle, asking her for sex and it reads like you're sulking when she says no to you. And in your head this is you making an effort in your relationship? Give me a bloody break.

When was the last time you took her on a date? Made her a nice meal? Had a day out? Gave her a massage (without expecting it to lead to sex)? Do you do your fair share of the housework? Have you ever taken the kids out for the day so she can fully relax? Do you share the admin load? I will bet my hat you do not do most if any of the above. And you still expect her to "give" you sex. Sex is not a bargaining chip. It's not a plaster for problems.

Your wife has carried your children, given birth, is I'm betting the primary caregiver as well. She is already showing you how invested she is in your relationship and your family. She has done her part. Now you need to do yours.