Messy house and H having a mard

[ShabbaRankz]

This happened last week and ive just been thinking about it. It was my DD birthday coming up at the end of that week. The house has been messy for a while. We both work full time. Two kids. Washing on radiators, toys, a couple of bags for tip to take (old toys) plus washing up on the side. Anyway, id been here and there after work pulling it all together for DDs birthday, buying cake, gifts etc. plus i nip in to see elderly parents after work too a couple of nights. My life is busy. The housework has built up i agree.

H works around an hour away. Gets home. Cracks a beer and thats him for the night. No parental help/housework bar washing up once a week lets say. He leaves all birthdays etc to me to organise.

so night in question, i had been out getting last minute bits, still had presents to wrap, i ordered and paid for a takeaway (we have separate money). Just taking five mins before putting a rather excited DD to bed. He came downstairs, he had been drinking, and started having a right go at me over how messy the house is, that he doesn’t like to live like this and what is all the crap everywhere? Ffs, if he got off his arse and tidied it, it wouldnt take long. 1130pm i was stood washing up whilst hes snoring away 🤦🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't put up with that. He needs to hear "shape up or ship out" and you need to mean it

Did you ask him why he thinks it is only your job to clean the house? If he can see it is needing done why the hell didn't he do it? I hope you handed his arse to him.

“Yes, darling DH, it is a right mess. Ok here’s a division of labour list. These are your chores and these are mine. You’re completely right, let’s get this sorted”.

Aaaand add “now fuck off” if he keeps moaning.

What a fucking knob. He would have been wearing his take away if he said that to me. Tell him to get off his lazy backside and bloody tidy it then. Why do women stand for this shit?

Well, at least he sees it and can't use the excuse of, oh I didn't notice!

Why did it end up with him sleeping and you doing the washing up?

Id have told him
’yep i agree. It’s messy. When do you think you’ll have time to clear the kitchen? I’m finishing preparing dd’s birthday stuff’.

But the way you reacted, he has learnt that he’s he IS your responsibility and it’s ok for him to scold you like a child for not doing your chores…..

"1130pm i was stood washing up whilst hes snoring away 🤦🏻‍♀️"

Why did you do that?

My XH used to do this. I always said his contribution to the housework was to lift his legs so I could hoover underneath. I was a SAHM so he considered EVERYTHING was my job. He just went to work. He'd tell me one of the children needed a nappy change without it ever crossing his mind that he could do it.
He had the nerve to call me 'lazy' once when I was reading the newspaper...

He's an ex. Mostly for these reasons.

Why are you married to someone who clearly doesn't like or respect you?

response is "Do you see me sat on my arse drinking a beer?

No - well then which of us has the time to do xyz then.

Mine isn't much better but I can give him shit about it and he hops to. Just annoys me I have to tell him

The remedy is in your own hands. Tell him to get fucked or get out.

Hope you've not also got sons seeing him do fuck all on the house. That's the example they'd learn from. And daughter - that men don't have to do anything.

Frankly I'd be asking him to leave. But if you want to give him a talking to and one chance to step up go for it, don't miss and hit the wall with it though. He shapes up or he ships out.

'And why didn't you think to clean then, as opposed to sitting on your arse drinking beer whilst I was shopping for our daughters birthday present? Out of interest, do you even care what i bought her? You're letting the team down John. And if it continues... you're going to lose me. You're going to lose 'us'.

I'm ancient and have been married nearly 50 years, but there is NO WAY I'd ever have tolerated this shit - even back in the dark days when women's equality was a comparatively recent concept. It's like feminism never happened...

I hate mess as much as him but honestly i just feel that i dont have enough hours in the day sometimes. Yes i agree hes a lazy sod. He also complains he doesn’t have any money yet manages night away with mates, drinks at the pub after work on a Thurs/Fri and 4 pint cans of beer every night. This is why we have always had separate money!

he will argue hes tired at night. He has two hours of driving to do. Hes had a stressful day. He almost puts me down as he doesnt think my job is as stressful as his! I work 10 mins away from home yet do school runs and food shop etc

im going to bring it up Saturday morning (so he wont have been drinking before the chat). I know he will try to deflect. Ah maybe its time to just split. He wont change i know this

Sounds like he has an alcohol problem too.

Agree and tell him you will both sit down tomorrow evening when the kids are in bed and draw up a cleaning schedule that involves him .

He will start drinking around 2pm until 10pm. I wont get him to focus on this as he will want to be left alone to watch sport/tv series etc

this is going to sound mad because im in a relationship but i feel like a single parent. Like hes an extra child who is waiting for me to buy food, clean the house and do all the mental load. Its quite frustrating. If he washes up more than once a week he wants a gold sticker

Get rid....
Happier life for you.

well he’s a pig.

I had a husband like this. Lazy and demanding. I got rid of him. My house is now clean, kids happy. Financially and emotionally better off.

You are already a single parent. Make it official.

He will start drinking around 2pm until 10pm.

Christ. He sounds like a real hardcore serious alcoholic! How much interaction does he have with the kids?

And what impact do you think having an alcoholic dad who does nothing with them and all they see of him is him opening tin after tin after tin after tin after tin will have? Have you ever considered the impact of seeing this day in day out and on weekends all day, will have on them? What are you doing raising them around this mess!? Those kids know he prefers the drink over them, .@ShabbaRankz They would be better off without him in the picture. Its not about the mess, its about their upbringing and what is their 'normal'. Please do something. Get him to leave and get some help for his drinking. Sure, it's his own money. But WHAT COST the affect on your children seeing that?

PS Disclaimer. I had a father with a similar problem. My childhood would have been easier and more pleasant without it. So many days ruined because of his drinking. Please get your children away from it. Please. PLEASE!

PPS Having to work having a conversation with your own husband around his drinking schedule should tell you this is NOT a normal way to live!

Tell him to employ and pay for a cleaner if he can't be bothered doing it himself, the lazy git.

How old is your daughter? Do you have any other children? Is this how you want them to grow up? With a dad who spends all weekend drinking?

You need to leave to give them a better home.

My mum was an alcoholic and it was awful. Please put your children first.

I would be telling him to fuck right off the lazy bastard. What a martyr. I used to have a 4 hour daily commute from east sussex to surrey and a very long day and didn't collapse into a chair with booze the second I got home.
Tell him if he wants a clean house he can either do 50% of it or shut up.

Such a good post.