Messy house and H having a mard

[ShabbaRankz]

This happened last week and ive just been thinking about it. It was my DD birthday coming up at the end of that week. The house has been messy for a while. We both work full time. Two kids. Washing on radiators, toys, a couple of bags for tip to take (old toys) plus washing up on the side. Anyway, id been here and there after work pulling it all together for DDs birthday, buying cake, gifts etc. plus i nip in to see elderly parents after work too a couple of nights. My life is busy. The housework has built up i agree.

H works around an hour away. Gets home. Cracks a beer and thats him for the night. No parental help/housework bar washing up once a week lets say. He leaves all birthdays etc to me to organise.

so night in question, i had been out getting last minute bits, still had presents to wrap, i ordered and paid for a takeaway (we have separate money). Just taking five mins before putting a rather excited DD to bed. He came downstairs, he had been drinking, and started having a right go at me over how messy the house is, that he doesn’t like to live like this and what is all the crap everywhere? Ffs, if he got off his arse and tidied it, it wouldnt take long. 1130pm i was stood washing up whilst hes snoring away 🤦🏻‍♀️

Everyone needa to be polite, manners cost nothing, screaming solves nothing, it just reinforces the view women are irrational, unstable and neurotic

@ShineNon OP says he "works around an hour away" and does 2 hours driving. That is one hour each way. Not four hours a day. But two.

What on earth does he bring to your life op? He drinks constantly. He doesn’t help at all. You would literally be a million times better off on your own.

He is drinking at least 50 units of alcohol a week, never has a day off drinking, yes he has a problem. My late dp drank like your dh thinking it wouldn't affect him until the day he woke up looking 9 months pregnant, turned out he had cirrhosis of the liver, 4 months later he was dead. Do you you want your dc to think it is normal to drink every day & slob around? So many people think that it doesn't affect the children, but it does. You would be better off without him, you are already doing the work of a single parent, do you want that dh shaped millstone round your neck forever?

H works around an hour away. Gets home. Cracks a beer and thats him for the night. No parental help/housework bar washing up once a week lets say. He leaves all birthdays etc to me to organise.

This is your problem in your own words.

why have you let it get this bad? He just sees his behaviour as Business As Usual. If you set your bar so low, what do you expect?

I’m not angry. I am however, sad to hear such a dated and misogynist view from someone I assume to be a woman. You’re suggesting that a woman that works full time should be subservient to a man by delivering food, cleaning, kind words and sex with a smile, to try and convince him to step up and be less of a pathetic and frankly shit husband, father and human being.
I really pity you for being brainwashed by the patriarchy, and wish you had the self respect to acknowledge what could have been. I can only imagine how it must be, being treated as a slave in your marriage and expected to do it with a smile. It’s too late for you but thankfully those days are over and it is no longer the norm for women to act like a Stepford Wife.

vomit emoji.

Not sure whether @ShineNon is a man or a woman - they're definitely a troll though.

Sorry yes I do think he has a drinking problem, as well as a chauvinism issue, he clearly thinks you should be doing all the housework.

I couldn't put up with this. He doesn't respect you not your time and effort.

It's that saying here isn't it.

"Men expect to have one job but expect women to have two;one paid and one in the home".

It's ridiculous behaviour on his part;he's misogynistic and entitled.

He reminds me of my A-hole brother in law who works a long commute away even though there are lots of opportunities in his trade so much closer to home as in a few minutes drive.He also comes home and cracks open a can and sits on his arse doing nothing.My sister in law also works full time but a 10 minute walk away so she ended up doing all the school/nursery runs/housework/childcare/cooking etc.

You have multiple issues here.

Firstly the alcohol;he's an alcoholic,you don't need to get drunk every day to be one,he's drinking daily and a fair bit as well;It's a dependency.The fact you have to have a talk about a serious issue before he starts his weekend binge drinking is really telling.He's obviously not a present parent or partner if he's intoxicated.

Secondly he could find a job closer to home to reduce the commute but I suspect he doesn't want to as it's an excuse to avoid domestic responsibilities.I'm betting by the time he's home you have done dinner and sorted the kids.

Does he come from a family where women are expected to do everything and the men nothing in the home?

We were not always in this position. He did a fair amount but slowly its ended up like this. I dont sit down until 10pm most nights.

anyway, i did manage to speak to him. I knew bringing up how unhappy i am and can he help out more wouldnt get through to him. Much like telling him he drinks far too much. Weve been here plenty of times before. I was feeling brave and told him i want to end the relationship. Hes not happy telling me im ruining his life!?! Im just envisioning a lovely happy home without him being angry and miserable

You must feel like a weight has lifted just telling him you’re done.
Ignore his protests, he's ruined his own life.
Well done …. Onward 💪🏻💐

I'm so pleased to hear your update. You are incredibly strong woman. This is it. This is the first day of the rest of your life, and from now on it's going to get better. Rocky at first , but hang on in there and when it gets tough just visualise that happy home you're going to have just with you and the children. You've got this!

Yes ruining him having a slave.

Thats what I thought! Im ruining his life by not being his skivvy anymore?! I nearly laughed. He minimised his drinking and said that perhaps if i drank more often and went out more id have a laugh. He was quite petty and childish. He had been drinking but i thought its never a good time to raise it

He will probably (possibly?) promise to change when he realises you are serious. Problem is, I very much doubt he can (for more than a couple of weeks...)

That contempt for you and absolute sense of entitlement runs very deep indeed I would imagine, as does his love of / dependence on booze.

It's not even 'help'

It's him needing to take responsibility for himself and his family.

What exactly is he bringing to the table?

@ShabbaRankz the sooner you split the better. Is there anywhere you can stay for a while?

Well done. You've done the first difficult bit and spoken your intents and thoughts out loud. What's next ? How are you fixed financially? Can you afford to rent / buy a home near your children's schools?

I lost my DS when he was 9, near the pyramid stage at Glastonbury - amongst 10's of thousands. Was walking with him down a track towards the arena, suddenly felt hungry and stopped at a food van to look at the menu, I thought he'd stopped too, but when I turned around he'd gone.
Worst minutes of my life, luckily police were a few feet from the food van. Even more luckily, my DS was carrying the telescopic fishing rod with scalf attached and had the brains to hold it up high. Still impressed by the eagle-eyed, friendly policeman, who spotted him amongst many. He'd gone all the way into the arena and was stood near the back amongst the crowd. All's well that ends well. Never go to big a festival without a flagpole ( packed in your DC's bag), it saved the day.

@Opentooffers wrong thread?

I wasn't talking to the OP. I was talking to to somebody who posted stupid sexist shite which was not helpful to the OP at all.

Exactly where did the OP state she has tried to solve the problem by screaming?