Messy house and H having a mard

[ShabbaRankz]

This happened last week and ive just been thinking about it. It was my DD birthday coming up at the end of that week. The house has been messy for a while. We both work full time. Two kids. Washing on radiators, toys, a couple of bags for tip to take (old toys) plus washing up on the side. Anyway, id been here and there after work pulling it all together for DDs birthday, buying cake, gifts etc. plus i nip in to see elderly parents after work too a couple of nights. My life is busy. The housework has built up i agree.

H works around an hour away. Gets home. Cracks a beer and thats him for the night. No parental help/housework bar washing up once a week lets say. He leaves all birthdays etc to me to organise.

so night in question, i had been out getting last minute bits, still had presents to wrap, i ordered and paid for a takeaway (we have separate money). Just taking five mins before putting a rather excited DD to bed. He came downstairs, he had been drinking, and started having a right go at me over how messy the house is, that he doesn’t like to live like this and what is all the crap everywhere? Ffs, if he got off his arse and tidied it, it wouldnt take long. 1130pm i was stood washing up whilst hes snoring away 🤦🏻‍♀️

As they say on here, what does he bring to the table?
money?
Do some homework, where do you live, rent, mortgage? What would your finances look like?
You are effectively single parenting now anyway, may as well do it all without a man-child in the mix.

You will be much better off SINGLE !!!! Life is just too short to live like this. Your WASTING your life with this idiot. Being a single mother is not that bad in comparison to living like this. This is from my own experience .plan to LEAVE

God, pack your stuff and leave with the kids.

He wouldn't fucking notice for a few days anyway.

Sounds awful.

If you wanted to split up, which I can't see any reason not to, what are your options OP?

Is the house mortgaged? Rented in both names?

Do your parents have space for you and the kids?

I would work out your escape plan and tell him, not ask, no shouting, just calmly tell him what is going to happen.

No matter what you say he thinks he is king of this castle, which he kind of is, he can complain with no effort, drink, watch tv, make just himself food whilst he has you running around juggling everything for everyone.

He might change if you leave to get you all back or he might not. No one knows.

But if you stay he won't almost guaranteed. There doesn't sound like there is much love or care in this relationship. Really what's the point?

Sounds like there's more than a few bags of rubbish to take to the tip...

If you can't change your situation for your own benefit, do it for your child/ren. They will grow up seeing this as normal, acceptable. What were your own parents roles like in the household growing up?

Sounds like you're already a single parent.

This 100%.

And why do any of you put up with it?

I so rarely post ltb because I know it's not that easy. But seriously, he's putting you down and being selfish, he's doing nothing towards the chores just making more work for you. He's an alcoholic and an arsey one. Making you miserable. Would you be happy if your DD married a man like this? Please please leave him.

Seriously ask yourself if this is the life you want. What does he bring to the relationship? Sounds like nothing.

He is vile. For your sake and your children's sakes, please leave him.

As a lone parent I can tell you my life is a lot easier without a useless man in it

@ShabbaRankz - love the handle 😊.

What value does he bring to your life, other than miserable companionship?

Why are you working, presumably paying half the bills and being a full-time skivvy as well?

You can't change anyone but yourself, so have a long think about what you'd like your life to look like and how you can achieve that without this lump.

As a single parent, I second this. In fact, my ex became a much better parent after I left him 🤷🏾‍♀️.

You think this a a court of law and an “argument “ you need to win: he says X and you must counter his argument with Y and you “win” if he acknowledges you are right.

That is not what is happening. Your relationship is sick. The body of your relationship is very, very, ill. Is their a medicine that can cure it? Doubtful. But even if there were he would have to recognize that the whole relationship is sick and needs care and he doesn’t. To him you are the problem.

All the arguments are just ways of him evading responsibility for the house/children/love/relatiinship. They are just DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He eants to be a lazy, indifferent, drunken, lout not a loving husband and father. He will always fight harder to avoid everything that distracts him from drinking with his mates.

Stop trying to win the argument about his drinking or anything else. All you will get if you win is this booby as a booby prize. He will never be worth the aggro.

I've just added this up. 32 pints of beer + 375ml wine per week.
1 pint is 2-3 units, depending on strength, so that's 64-96 units.
1/2 bottle wins = c. 4 units
So he is drinking up to 100 units each week!! I believe the 'recommended' maximum limit is 14 units...

He is an alcoholic. Sooner or later he'll start to suffer all the complications associated with excess alcohol consumption.
High blood pressure
Heart disease or stroke
Liver disease
Diabetes
Mental health issues
Digestive problems
Risk of cancer

Quite apart from the drudgery and misery of your current life - and the example this is setting for your children........ do you really want to stick around for this?

You both work/have very long days.

Get a very good cleaner to come in once a week. Pay half each.

Have you had a conversation with him today, OP?

Like everyone else said, you'd be much better off (and happier!) leaving him. Hope you're OK!

You're expressing your own anger amd resentment. OP is asking for help to a problem. You don't solve a problem by screaming, she needs to engage with him if she wants him to engage with her. She needs to invest and put the work politely and respectfully

It matters to the sustainability of the household. He has a 4 hour commute whereas she has none, why is this ? Why would you commute for 4 hours ? It can only be either because there is no work locally or the pay makes it worthwhile

4 hours a day adds another 20 hours to his work week, not quite a full time job but half of one

Screaming at him isn't going to solve any problem it would just reinforce the emotionally unstable irrational stereotype of women

She needs to behave in an adult manner, addressing the problem in a calm, polite and constructive manner and that starts by seeking his engagement. She may have to cook a nice dinner for them, arrange an evening out, do an activity he enjoys, be attentive, surprise him with an intimate evening. These are all the things we expect so she should try them with him.

He is an alcoholic, marriage over.

You can’t reason with him however diplomatic you are due to his alcoholism.

Do you really though, are you pulling your weight on all jobs, are you doing 50:50 all activities or are you self selecting jobs you want to do and leaving the others to him. If you are the bulk earner in the household and everyone depends on you it is important that you are rested and nourished and have downtime and stress relief and engage in enjoyable and pleasurable activities

He's a lazy, abusive alcoholic

You're not contributing to helping this woman, you are only expressing your own spite, she has come for help not anger

You're allowing your own anger to cloud your view, we already know his day is 4 hours longer and this can only be for a higher wage. This allows this woman to probably take a lower paid job with no commute, so even before any chores fall due he's working 50% harder and longer than this woman

You calling it misogyny just shows repreased anger, nowhere is there hatred of women or of this woman expressed by her partner or in her post

If as you suggeat that "labour should be divide equally" then the next logically thing to happen is for bills to be divided equally, what happens if she cannot cover her half, what then, then you have created a situation where she is not pulling her weight, he may see he is being exploited and you have irrevocably damaged their marriage

She needs to engage with him in a positive and rewarding way, manners cost nothing, a nice meal, a nice evening, extra intimacy, any positive rewarding method at her disposal