Messy house and H having a mard

[ShabbaRankz]

This happened last week and ive just been thinking about it. It was my DD birthday coming up at the end of that week. The house has been messy for a while. We both work full time. Two kids. Washing on radiators, toys, a couple of bags for tip to take (old toys) plus washing up on the side. Anyway, id been here and there after work pulling it all together for DDs birthday, buying cake, gifts etc. plus i nip in to see elderly parents after work too a couple of nights. My life is busy. The housework has built up i agree.

H works around an hour away. Gets home. Cracks a beer and thats him for the night. No parental help/housework bar washing up once a week lets say. He leaves all birthdays etc to me to organise.

so night in question, i had been out getting last minute bits, still had presents to wrap, i ordered and paid for a takeaway (we have separate money). Just taking five mins before putting a rather excited DD to bed. He came downstairs, he had been drinking, and started having a right go at me over how messy the house is, that he doesn’t like to live like this and what is all the crap everywhere? Ffs, if he got off his arse and tidied it, it wouldnt take long. 1130pm i was stood washing up whilst hes snoring away 🤦🏻‍♀️

Wow. I don’t think you should politely ask for help OP. I would be rather less politely telling him to shape up or ship out. I can’t see that he’s bringing much into your life at all. He’s got a drinking problem. Drinking in excess of 50 units a week is high risk. He’s doing that for sure - more like 70+.

@ShineNon WTF?! I earn double what my DH does. Perhaps I should put my feet up and wait till he politely asks me for help. Unsurprisingly I pull my weight, consider DH and I a team, do not undervalue his equally important job or expect him to do it all because I earn more.

@ShineNon
Politely ask for help, that's your solution

No woman with a lazy husband has ever thought of politely asking him to "help" take care of his own house and own kids, so your suggestion should lead to an epiphany for many of us. Are you a life coach, by any chance?

Yes - he has an alcohol problem.

He also sounds like a total wanker. How old are your kids and have you got family support if you split up?

Eh? So, despite the fact that they both work full time, if he earns more, he does less around the house? No, no, no. What a horrendous, warped, misogynistic view.

Why should she ask for ‘help’? Help to wash HIS clothes, help to buy the food that HE eats, help to do things for HIS children? ‘Help’ suggests these are her jobs that she is not able to undertake. They are not. The labour should be divide equally, they both work full time.

He deserves no ‘polite’ whatsoever. He deserves “get off your fucking arse and start lifting a finger or start looking for somewhere else to live. I’m sick of you treating me like a slave. And you’re an alcoholic. You’ve got a week to make a difference and see the doctor”

She shouldn’t have to be polite when asking her own husband to step up and do his share! FFS! She shouldn’t have to ask at all!

To be honest I think the shape up conversation is to late. It's the ship out one that's needed. Honestly without him you'll find life so much easier and you'll get every other weekend to yourself.

I know where Shinenon is coming from actually. I have read that Surrendered Wife stuff. Men can’t cope with being told off. Need to be praised for whatever they do. Nagging will turn them off. Ask politely and squeal with joy for every contribution. Maybe a blow job reward.

Or just bin him off as a lost cause.

NAMALT of course. Just too many who won’t change and aren’t worth our time if we have another choice.

I think you should have a chat when he is sober and has slept. It might be that the house just gets so messy so quickly it is difficult to keep on top of. Firstly do online food shopping. Secondly, download the organised mum method and divide the chores out. Agree on who does what and on what days. The he can't argue that YOU have not done enough. It will be obvious who is not keeping their side of the deal. Sounds awful and I really hope he is not expecting you to do everything !!!
Well this is what you should be able to do. Reading all your posts it's sounds like that is not really the problem. He has switched off, drinking all the time. I'm not sure what to suggest to help 😢. Could you afford a cleaner to help take the pressure off for a while while you work on what other problems are going on ?

Get rid. You are doing it all anyway so you might as well get rid of this weight dragging you down. Get a good solicitor, make sure he pays his share maintenance and make sure he has the kids sometimes so you get a break. And get a cleaner.

He has an alcohol problem and he's drowning you with it.

What does he give you in the relationship or do for you? If the answer is not a lot financially, practically or emotionally (as it sounds), then you would be happier without him. He is a burden for you and your life will be easier not having to carry this burden any longer.

He has a personality problem fueled by alcohol.

How is your life enriched living with such a pig?

You don’t have to put up with a man child who thinks it is ok to live as though he has no kids, doesn’t help care for them and prioritises alcohol above family. It’s not ok for him to live in a house and not contribute towards cleaning it or towards other domestic labour (I bet you do all admin too?).

The sad truth is that the kids will view that set up as their normal. Someone said that to me on these boards many years ago when I was struggling in my marriage because of his choices not to be a true partner and help with anything domestic… and it was like a lightbulb coming on. He is now very firmly my ex husband.

get lawyered up, get an online calculation from the CMS as to what child maintenance you’d be entitled to and get a plan together. I promise that when you’re doing it all anyway it becomes a much lighter load when there isn’t a grown man adding to kids mess!

"I know we have really let things slip haven't we? You do ABC and il do XYZ and it can be sorted tonight"

Then walk away

@ShabbaRankz
Your DH sounds horrible.
Yes he has a drinking problem which you cannot fix. With any addiction, the addict has to want to change and he doesn't.

If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your DC.
What would you tell a friend or your DD if they described a partner as you have described your husband?

Please don't let your DC grow up thinking his behaviour is normal or acceptable.

Have you started making plans, OP? Would he leave if you split? Can you afford to live alone with the kids? My sympathies, he is no good.

He sounds fucking awful, what does he do to enrich or contribute to you and your DC's lives?

He also has a problem with alcohol, yes. Alcohol is coming first.

He brings nothing to the table and I think you know it. Just money from his job and that's all. It's not worth this life.

You deserve so much more.

Start googling divorce procedures and options and make plans to leave.

He's using you everyday of your life as a free domestic labour and it's not worth it. You're his unpaid maid. There's a word for that and it's very unpleasant and you deserve so much more.

There is such a thing as a married single mother.

My dad drank about that much. My mother seemed to enjoy being the martyr doing absolutely everything domestic with no help. I ended up being treated the same way by partners as that's what my childhood trained me for. When I moaned about how I was treated my mother would tut and say well he did that washing up that one time your dad never washed up.

My dad died this year and I am unbothered. I'm not sure I will care all that much when my mother goes either because of how much damage my childhood did to me and the poor choices I've made in life because they failed to parent me.

Oh and my brother is a horrible misogynistic turd thanks to his upbringing. I feel sorry for his wife
OP if you can't deal with this for yourself do it got your children.

He is using alcohol and tv to to disengage with you. This is a conscious decision on his part. It’s a lack of respect for you and your feelings. I would not tolerate this. My husband works night shifts on weekends but he still full plays his part in housework’s and helping out with children even when he’s tired. I wouldn’t put up with the selfish lazy behaviour.

The housework isn't the issue here. Your DH is an alcoholic.

He will not change. Men very rarely do and it’s not your job to make him change. (You can’t anyway)

there is only one option and it is LTB.

It's already obvious who isn't keeping their side of the deal. It's the one sat on his arse with a beer all evening who has never cleaned a thing in the house. Even OP's husband isn't stupid enough to not know he isn't doing half of the chores. He just doesn't care.

All these plans and charts and routines fall apart the second one person is deliberately doing nothing. Maybe they can open the eyes of a man who does say 30% and thinks it's 50%. But OP's husband does nothing, there's no way he isn't aware that he does nothing and he clearly believes that's fine. No amount of methods of charts can change an arsehole.

Honestly OP, what's the point of him? Sounds like he's neither use nor ornament. Why have you accepted this behaviour? I really do despair at women who martyr themselves to a useless man. Free yourself from this deadweight and set a better example to your children.

She isn't a single parent but it sounds as though that may be the best option if he doesn't love her enough to pull his weight