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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 15:40

and then boriso is reasonably sure he'll turn it around and make it out to be her fault?

that's fuckwittage.

SixSpotBurnet · 25/04/2008 15:42

I think your DH is doing what is known as "having your cake and eating it", boriso.

I think this woman is very dangerous, personally. She sounds like she's in a dark place and she may want to drag someone down there with her.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 25/04/2008 15:47

I really, really hope that when your DH gets home he pours his heart out to you and begs for forgiveness. Got my fingers crossed for you.

He behaved badly and it is entirely his responsibility to put things right. Of course you've not been fun lately, no one who is grieving is fun. It sounds like your DH should have been at home with you, rather than taking his shoulder off to her, IYSWIM.

Keep chanting "This is in no way my fault." and do not let him convince you otherwise.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 15:50

Regardless of what she is, it was and is his responsibility to never let that interfere with his marriage.

She trusted him in this friendship.

And he betrayed that trust.

If he does anything other than grovel and cut her off entirely, I'd be on the horn to the counsellor to find out what I needed to do for me to better evaluate teh relationship.

LazyLinePainterJane · 25/04/2008 15:50

I find it hard to believe that if they have kissed after 20 years of best-friendage, there has never been anything between them before.

If they have kissed, your husband has betrayed you. Don't think about her. Think about him and what he will say and what you are going to say to him. Do you want him to stop seeing her? Will he? Stop thinking about whether she has enticed him, because unless she drugged him and planted one on him, he was involved as well. And HE is the one that has a loyalty to you.

OsmosisBanana · 25/04/2008 19:16

Any updates Boriso?

Original poster
boriso · 25/04/2008 19:41

Incriminating text deleted from his phone. Still waiting for the kids to go to sleep before I confront him. Arse.

OP posts:
noddynote · 25/04/2008 19:48

Has he suspected anything yet?

youknownothingofthecrunch · 25/04/2008 19:52

Sorry to hear that boriso. Hope it goes as well as it can. We're all here for you.

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 19:56

crossing fingers for you...

PosieParker · 25/04/2008 19:56

I haven't read the other posts, sorry, but blimey you must have self control, I would have gotten hysterical straight away and phoned him asking him to cut off his friendship.
If you are uncomfortable with the friendship, which I would be, then tell your dh how you feel. I have very dim views of male/female friendships and always think they are scope for trouble.

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 19:57

and other texts there? I mean has he just deleted this one?

It might be wise to start convo with something like "is there anything you would like to tell me"..

youknownothingofthecrunch · 25/04/2008 20:00

I agree with CD about allowing him the opportunity to come clean first.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 25/04/2008 20:00

I agree with CD about allowing him the opportunity to come clean first.

PosieParker · 25/04/2008 20:15

I agree, start with you've noticed he's been different or something??

jenwa · 25/04/2008 20:18

This is awful, I hope you can speak to him and get things sorted.
Hope things work out

orangehead · 25/04/2008 20:24

hope things go ok. Thinking of you

Doobydoo · 25/04/2008 20:25

I would be f...ing LIVID.

Doobydoo · 25/04/2008 20:32

So sorry to hear about your mum.Please remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!Do not let him twist things around.Maybe he won't but remember it isn't you.She sounds awful[no morals etc]

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2008 21:32

Boriso - sending good vibes your way tonight. I hope you aren't going through hell right now

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/04/2008 21:33

Bitch...slapper...predator...

Nice.

Have none of you thought that he might have jumped on her and then felt guilty? Hence her telling him not to stress about it?

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 21:34

Quite a few of us have, Schaden. A few of us have gone on about how this was HIS action as well.

Divastrop · 25/04/2008 21:39

i would have thought,if the worst has happened and they have kissed,that the op maybe having thoughts of 'bitch,slapper,etc' about this woman and would rather not hear that her dh may have initiated the whole thing.

macdoodle · 25/04/2008 21:40

"not to stress" and ended with "it was lovely though" - sounds very predatory and manipulative to me
DOI I have NO time for women who think married men are fair game - you know what they are slags/slappers/sluts - what exactly would you call them??
Hope it is ok boriso??

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/04/2008 21:41

Sorry, expat, just read your post!

It wasn't the OP who said bitch, slapper etc. It was other people.