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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 13:47

maybe he should have thought about that before he kissed her...

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 13:47

maybe he should have thought about that before he kissed her...

pooka · 25/04/2008 13:51

If if IF he was the one that kissed her, then I think the husband has no right to expect to continue the same level of pallyness.
Resentful or no, it would not be possible to go back to the way things were.

MascaraOHara · 25/04/2008 13:53

to be honest I think she absolutely sounds like she wants more with her ending statement.. she's offering herself on a plate.

I'm so glad you are more balanced than me, I would be going insane.

madamez · 25/04/2008 13:54

GIven that it is a 20-year friendship, insisting that he cuts her off completely may backfire. If he doesn;t want to have an affair with her then he will miss his friend after a while and feel resentful; better to say that you want to be there when he sees her in future.
But do give him a chance to explain and put his case first, and try to stay calm initially (if you jump on someone the minute they walk in, shrieking with rage, they are immediately defensive and angry - even more so if they have not actually done anything wrong).

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 13:56

if i got that text?

i'd be pretty pissed off.

he's having an emotional affair that has crossed into the physical.

and sorry, but been there, done that. it never 'just happens'.

there is always that moment - unless you're unconcious from drink, drugs or being roofed - where you know in your subconscious that you are crossing the line and you either step forward or stop.

you cut it off if you value your marriage.

no matter how long you've known the person and how hard it is on YOU. YOU made teh mistake, YOU take the duty of fixing it.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 13:58

and as much as she's being aggro about it, as my dearest pal always says, 'unless you've been drugged, NO is always an option.'

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 13:58

Also can I say
If she kissed him then she is willing to put their friendship on the line so great friend huh?

orangehead · 25/04/2008 14:07

missgelly- but if he respects and loves boriso and is sorry he should be volunteering to cut off the relationship, yes he might miss it but you cant torture someone you love and respect and to continue being her friend I persume would be torturous constantly thinking what they are up to. He cant expect her to just trust then because he has broken that trust

MascaraOHara · 25/04/2008 14:09

men are numptys.

Boriso, hope you are managing to hold yourself together.

Fllight · 25/04/2008 14:10

I would be so pleased for you if I read that your DH had come home, said, 'Love I have got something awful to tell you' and then explained that he had been kissed and hadn't stopped it and felt sick about it and was very sorry. And that he would not be seeing her again.

That would be the best thing that could happen really.

Don't let him go to her house without you. It sounds exactly like a situation I witnessed a few years ago. It sounds planned.

I'm sorry and I hope he has the decency to own up without you having to prise it out of him with a crow bar. That will be the important thing, whether he admits it or not and how he plans to deal with it.

Good luck xx

sfxmum · 25/04/2008 14:11

it seems to be he is being an idiot her shoulder to cry on her man of last resort is this a friendship?

Original poster
boriso · 25/04/2008 14:33

I have a gut feeling that he will own up (he is terrible at lying), but that he will turn it all on to me and say I've been difficult to live with and I have been pushing him away. Blah, blah. I HAVE been difficult to live with - my dear mum died very suddenly in February and I have not exactly been a barrel of laughs recently. If he does take this route I will not stand for it but just know that somehow it will be all my fault.. Sigh.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 14:37

'that he will turn it all on to me and say I've been difficult to live with and I have been pushing him away. Blah, blah. I HAVE been difficult to live with'

if he does that, he is talking out his arse.

blaming someone else for your behaviour is about as arsehole and immature as it gets.

so disrespectful, too.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 14:38

tbh, if he's like that, i'd see a counsellor to really take some time to re-evaluate the relationship and get to teh bottom of some hard truths.

SheWillBeLoved · 25/04/2008 14:39

If he dares say that - then tell him you wouldn't have been half as dificult to live with these past few months if it was you, his wife, that he was comforting and kissing, and not that slut.

MascaraOHara · 25/04/2008 14:40

applauds SheWillBeLoved

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 14:42

i'm pretty harsh, so i was being diplomatic.

but if my partner dared to say that to me i'd tell him i'd be far easier to live with without an arsehole in my life.

sorry, that's not the solution for everyone, so i was trying to suggest others that might work for you.

Grav1 · 25/04/2008 14:42

Boriso. It is not your fault for something that someone else does. I am not surprised you have not been a barrel of laughs. Losing someone who means a lot to you isnt easy and you need time to come to terms with your bereavement. I hope all turns out ok for you.

oydal · 25/04/2008 14:42

Please don't worry about it 'backfiring' or him feeling 'resentfull', you've trusted him with this friendship and your trust has been taken advantage of.
You have a right to be upset at the moment without thinking of his feelings.

If it was another man the OW was talking about, wouldn't your dh have told you about it?
My dh tells me all the gos' going on with his friends.

I really hope for your sake it was someone else tho.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 14:47

i always remember custy's response to the correct response of a cheater upon getting caught:

yes, custy, you're absolutely right! yes, custy, i was wrong and shit. yes, custy, nothing's too hard for you.

and on and on.

pretty much.

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 15:09

Thanks boriso.Who knows how things turn out but good luck.If things turn out to be better than some of the stuff considered here,all the better.Trouble about texts/emails and non face to face comms its really hard to know exactly how things are meant and the guessing drives you nuts!Try to keep head clear and get a firm footing on things.It will feel much better...

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 15:18

oh and part of relationship is being there for each other ESPECIALLY when its not all singing and dancing...If he does say somethings happened remember you could never deserve that sort of treatment...Don't want to say anymore about ifs and buts coz i'd like to think you'll come back and say it wasn't like that after all.

nkf · 25/04/2008 15:37

Why is everyone reading this as being a Jezebel chasing a married man? "Don't stress about it" could mean that he wants more and thinks it meant more and she's embarrassed and wants him to back off. It's all bollocks anyway. They kissed. That's what happened. The woman isn't your problem. It's what he may or may not feel about her that you have to worry about.
Sorry it happened and hope you sort it out.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2008 15:39

that's certainly how I see it, nfk.

HE had a choice about how he acted.

including acting as the friend's 'shoulder to cry on' after she screwed around and then claiming his own wife is being difficult after her mother died.