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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 25/04/2008 12:20

Why not say you've chnaged your mind about not going with him an will be coming along....?

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2008 12:20

I don't blame you for checking his phone - you trusted your instincts and were right. The findings vindicate you. Don't allow yourself to be broadsided by 'privacy' objections from him

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 12:20

sorry about your mum.i think your H should be comforting a little closer to home.i think you definately need to consider yourself in this and don't listen to excuses etc.i would tell the husband what u think.then get back to considering whats best for u.Take care.

josta · 25/04/2008 12:21

This is horrible for you. My God you are a better woman than me, I would have gone balistic on the pair of them by now.

I know they have been friends for 20 years or so BUT he is your husband, she has no right over him, he doesn't have to see her. Things need to change imo and fast.

Talk to him asap and don't let him go this weekend, the cheeky woman.

It's you who needs some tlc at the moment, just having lost your mum.

BeauLocks · 25/04/2008 12:22

Agree 100% with hmc.

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 12:23

I think you need to get more evidence if you can - grab his phone as soon as he comes in (divert him upstairs or something)

I don't think you should play games. This is serious and you need to confront him asap to ensure that you nip it in the bud if it was him she kissed.

If he manages to worm his way out of it by saying it was someone else and she concurs what will you do? It is a difficult situation with only one text to go on really.

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 12:23

BeauLocks thats the best post yet...

Original poster

boriso · 25/04/2008 12:25

Countess Dracula - I shall def check his phone when he gets in tonight. It doesn't save outgoing messages though I don't think. Can that be changed?

The affair she had was with her best friends husband by the way. I kid you not. Hence why she was so messed up by the whole thing.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 12:26

Blimey
yes you can (well my phone does anyway it may depend on the sort of phone - mine is a nokia)

NotABanana · 25/04/2008 12:26

Big up to BeauLocks. Perfect reponse. Even better than mine!

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 12:26

also if he has deleted that message and not others that is further evidence IMO

SheWillBeLoved · 25/04/2008 12:27

It can be changed boriso. Go into his message settings, choose text messages, and somewhere it should mention sent messages, you can turn whether to save them on or off from there.

littlelapin · 25/04/2008 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 25/04/2008 12:35

I don't think he kissed her.

I think she kissed him. And that is why he's stressing about it. She's his best friend. has been for 20 years. When the dinamic of a friendship like that changes overnight it's pretty stressful.

I'm not saying that it's right but I don't think you should automatically assume he has cheated on you.

But with her track record it's entirely plausible that she would have instigated the first move.

wannaBe · 25/04/2008 12:38

in fact it makes sense for it to have happened that way. She kisses him. He tells her it's wrong, he's married, she's married etc, and she says "don't stress, it was only a kiss"...

pennytree · 25/04/2008 12:39

I agree with you wannabe,

Sounds like it was her that started it and that he is upset about it getting stressfull

He needs to take a leaf out of lazybums book and cut the friendship to stop it happening again

CountessDracula · 25/04/2008 12:39

Even if that were so
YOu don't want her around him
she is trouble

littlelapin · 25/04/2008 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 12:47

wannabe has a fair point.Only u would know whats most likely because u need to know your DH.Without knowing the other 2 people involved we can only guess.I'd still say ITS SO FISHY IT HURTS!!Particularly as there is an arrangement standing which would allow them to be sleeping in the same house very soon after a text like that.Speaking in person is the only way to be sure.I'd be on the phone straight away.When I confronted my ex after my friends had decided which one of them would tell me what had been going on behind my back.My daughter was 2 at the time and he tried sooo hard to deny it or just admit bits of it.In the end it all came out.I thought i would be physically sick.I knew the woman.She worked in a deli that i used to go in with my toddler and partner.Then i noticed she was saying hi when i was with him and not when i was shopping by myself.What i didn't realise was that arrangements were being made and when he went on a trip to the scillys,she was already there.I hope things turn out much better than this for you boriso.

chubbymummy · 25/04/2008 12:57

Not sure about her kissing him first! Surely if that had been the case her text would have been more along the lines of "so sorry" and not "try not to stress too much". The fact he is the one stressing makes it sound like he kissed her and then regretted it. Sounds like she is angling for more though with the "it was nice though" comment. Either way the line has been crossed and the friendship needs to end!

Flowernat · 25/04/2008 13:03

umm sorry about rant.Now i've given it some more thought perhaps its not the most helpful thing anyone has ever said.A little and but not very positive.I can do better, honest...take care boriso.

Original poster

boriso · 25/04/2008 13:07

Thank you all and thank god for Mumsnet. I think I would have spontaneously combusted if I had not got this off my chest today. I will try not to combust tonight when I confront him, but I don't hold out much hope.......

OP posts:

Original poster

boriso · 25/04/2008 13:08

Flowernat - sorry you had to go through all that. Sounds a nightmare. I am hoping this will not end up the same way.

OP posts:

MascaraOHara · 25/04/2008 13:11

she's the predator.. get him away from her ASAP.. oh and tell her you want her to stay away too.. tell her if she doesn't stay away from your husband you'll tell her husband everything.

MissGelly · 25/04/2008 13:45

Playing Devil's Advocate...How is husband going to feel though, being told to terminate a friendship he's had for 20 years? Resentful?

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