He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Thank you - this was what I intended to convey.

I’ve posted before and hope @Spikyseason understood that I was continuing to convey that point that she is an incredible selfless woman who, unlike her DH, has put the needs of her family first, but may not see how special and valuable she is. She’s a graduate, a former professional and there is no doubt that all the stuff that her DH has and has achieved (including the value of their home and his career progression) is in a large part down to her. If she divorces him she is not taking anything from DH, she will be getting her share of what they have both built together.

I was trying to convey that she deserves better and that if she finds the courage to leave, there ARE men out there who will recognise how special she is and whose love and support translates into helping her become her best, happiest self. Her DH is a selfish bastard and she does not need to stay with him or feel grateful to him. He should be grateful to her that she has shared any of her life with him, that she has stayed to date, that he and his children have always been her priority.

@Spikyseason sorry if none of that came across in my previous post. I won’t post after this in case I get it wrong again, but i will be thinking of you and hoping you find a way forward that puts your needs at least equally ranked with your precious kids. As many many posters have said. You deserve better. You ARE better than him. Please never forget that.

Thank you I understood and don’t worry - I can handle people being direct anyway. It’s what I need and I am taking everything on board, and whatever happens I am going to save the thread and come back to as I need to! I appreciate all the posts.

Eighty-thousand pounds. Eighty-thousand! Good lord, woman! Why are you still with him?! 🤯

What an awful awful man.

Please op, get away from this self indulgent creature.

Where is your anger?

He's just not even trying. He's been in contact with her? Were you not angry about that at all? He's really got zero respect for you.

You are worth so very much more than this.

Google Chump Lady.

I think if you stay with him, try to address all these 'problems' in the marriage (if he can actually identify them), then you will be constantly trying to jump through his hoops in case he does it again. And he will, citing a different set of 'problems'. It's what they do.

No man is worth the mental torture. You will ruin your sanity.

Gather your power, see a solicitor and bin him. And yes, let him cry, gnash his teeth etc. He has messed it all up, not you.

op, his actual consequences need to include more time actively doing stuff for his kids and family and more free time for you, to think and be yourself. He doesn’t have to take time out from his work and family to have sex with the other woman, so he needs to start being present. To cook dinner and clean up on Tuesdays, and be home by 6pm on Wednesday, to take dc to training and drop them off at school on Friday Etc. And if he says his job can’t, then you point out he managed to find time to fuck someone else, so his job can. And if it does mean he does less well at his job well it is what it is, and this is all consequence of decisions he’s made.

I’m sorry, I read it wrongly. I can understand that’s what you were doing.
I get irrationally irked when I feel like people come on these posts and tell heartbroken OPs how much better their lives/husbands are. I can see that’s not what you were trying to do now. I shouldn’t have posted.
Don’t stop posting as it’s helping OP. I have asked for my comment to be removed.
Apologies again.
FWIW, I agree with you on the sentiment. No one deserves to be cheated on and I hope people can see their worth but from my own experience, I know that it isn’t easy to walk away when children are involved and it feels like everything is ruined anyway. There’s a strong element of damage control. What is the lesser of two evils

@CautiousLurker1 I understood you 100% as well as the additional clarification from you on what you meant. Continue to post you said nothing offensive. @Spikyseason is really an incredible woman and I hope in time she sees that. I know for sure as her kids grow up they will appreciate her in different ways than they do now. I think when kids are primary school age , we give so much of ourselves to our family that we do lose ourselves. We might lose friends, career, our dress and music sense … the list goes on. Dear op, I really hope you can go on a journey of exploration of your emotions and start to build yourself up. You still have a sparkle and sense of humour despite everything you are going through. You are very likeable which is why your thread is so popular and know you have so many people who don’t know you in real life routing for you and thinking of you.

@Spikyseason there is a reason the shite they all come out with when caught is referred to as “the script” because they all trot out the same, predictable, nonsensical garbage. He “never intended it to happen”? Despite his “big job” he’s an idiot! Did his clothes all just fall off of their own volition? And then what, he tripped and fell into her vagina? And £20k for the “yes I’m a slimy shagger but look I have money” trinket just magically whisked its way out of your joint funds? He doesn’t yet realise what a total dick he is, but he will, in time.
OW might have the career blah, blah but she’s also clearly got the morals of an alley cat. Hand on heart op, would you want to be her?
And like I said before I think it’s perfectly possible that he didn’t love her at all. I’ve seen literally endless men with the “big job” do shite like this. They get deferred to at work everyday, people continually blowing smoke up their arse and they come to believe their own press. They become entitled and selfish and voila….they get themselves a sleezy bit on the side.
What the poor, deluded little lamb doesn’t seem to understand is that the dynamics of your relationship have completely reversed. This period now isn’t about him deciding if he wants to stay with you, it’s about you deciding if you want to stay with him. And, with the way he is behaving at the minute, I don’t see how you can. Whilst I do believe that marriages can recover from infidelity, that simply won’t happen all the while he is lying to himself about who he actually is. Which is a liar and a cheat and a coward.
Op, I know you are exhausted and terrified and feel paralysed with indecision. But now is the time to dig deep and find your inner warrior. She’s in there, I promise! Drag her out and make sure she comes out fighting. Stand your ground and make it very clear to the dullard that NO he is not in the driving seat anymore, you are. You can do this op, we are all cheering for you because no one, not one single person has the right to fuck you over and make you feel like this. Fuck him and the ow he rode in on, this is now all about you. You can do this xxxx

After what he did, which was really bad as affairs go, I don’t think what he is now offering you (and indeed the DC) is a good offer. Unclear whether he loves you, brushing things under carpet, contacted OW and told he her missed her, not taking responsibility for his actions etc.

Seems high risk that if you continue to ‘swallow the shit sandwich’ he will later instigate a break up at the time of his choosing. Saying something like ‘the DC are older now, we have problems, not in love with you anymore’.

It sounds like you have money as a family, so separation seems a much better deal for you. It could also actually be better for the DC than other, likely scenarios if you stay.

@Whenim63 I agree, I know the ‘power’ at work has most likely gone to his head. And as I said, the OW (morals aside, if she knew all the facts) was hugely out of his league. No doubt that played to his ego. Of course he now thinks that’s the type of woman he can pull. I’m not delusional and know I can’t compete in those stakes, and when pressed he admitted she was more his type (we are literally polar opposites looks wise) which was a shock because you just assume you are your husband’s type, don’t you. I feel like I don’t know him at all.

I’m aware I’m in a much better position objectively than most women who go through this. I have money and I can use that to have therapy, retrain, etc. that privilege is not lost on me. I am terrified of repeating the same cycle I went through with DC given my Dad, but my mum left him. And to be honest I probably have repeated the cycle by choosing someone who cheats!

Before this happened, he knew for this reason cheating was an absolute deal breaker for me. Which is why I wonder if on some level it was his way of subconsciously sabotaging the marriage. When he had his potentially ‘faux’ break up conversation with the OW he said we might get divorced and his voice went up. He sounded almost hopeful. It was weird. But then everyone says ‘look at his actions’ and his actions are him adamant he is staying and won’t leave me. Which don’t tally up with all the actions prior to discovery, of course!

@Spikyseason - but is it he won’t leave you… or he won’t leave the children and you are a necessary part. A side note to his main character story line.

Entirely possible but I can’t see how he thinks that’s sustainable 🙁

Every update you post about him makes him appear more abhorrent OP. So now the implication is it your fault because you are not " his type"? He must have found you attractive to start a relationship with you in the first place,let alone have children with you and marry you - even if he didn't enter into marriage and fatherhood enthusiastically. To even reduce women to " types" is really dehumanising.

I've followed both your threads and have consistently been of the opinion his reason for staying with you is primarily financial, with an element of " saving face". However it wasn't until you posted the actual amount he has spent on her -£80k - and the pp who analysed how wealthy you would probably be if you divorced did I fully comprehend just exactly how much financially a divorce would hit him. If you are wanting an explanation of his stated intentions to stay in the marriage then his potential financial hit is overwhelmingly compelling.

You say you always said cheating was a deal breaker for you before this. So really if he knows you felt like that but are now drawing back from that stance you are totally giving him the green light to continue his affair with the OW. The very fact he is obviously still in contact with her and is giving off all the signs of wanting to be with her shows he knows he can get away with anything now because your professed " deal breaker" is proving not to be a " deal breaker" at all.

Rather than saying ltb (tempting!), I’d say protect yourself financially. He needs to give you a show of faith, money in your account to protect your future and that of the dcs. £80K on the OW is horrifying, I’m not even getting that from the sale of a house 😢 Equally, you need to protect yourself emotionally. You seem very self aware in that you’ve said it’s for the sake of the dc that he’s still here. He’s made a huge investment in this OW and it wasn’t a flash in the pan, it was an ongoing affair.

You CAN re-train (if you want to) but he should be investing in that. You can get a job and I’d thoroughly advise that given the uncertainty of him staying. You need to prepare for your future, not the one you thought you had, but the possible one(s) you might have.

I split with my husband after he cheated, I had a 4 and 6 year old and I worked but I had nothing really. There’s nothing to be scared of really.

you should definitely get a job asap

Op, I really look forward to reading your updates about how you have freed yourself from this awful man. And how you're no longer watching out for signs of his cheating. You sleep easy at night and you feel free and light.

You can have it, you know. You really can.

Stop analysing why he did cheat on you. Why he wants to stay with you - or says he does - and focus on you and your future.

Analysing someone like your h is like trying to get a grip on shifting sands. Your h will always find a way to justify his behaviour. And you will always feel like it's your lack that drove him to it.

Bullshit.

OP every update you post, he just gets worse and worse. Telling you the OW is more his type?! Honestly I don’t know how you’ve kept your cool, this man is an emotionally bankrupt manipulative waster. Don’t waste any more of you on him. This is so destructive for your already depleted self esteem.

He wants to control the narrative and save face, pretending he has values now - doing the right thing for his family, showing his commitment etc etc it’s a load of rubbish. I think you’re absolutely right in saying that he wanted to end things but was too cowardly, and hoped you would instead. Then he realised how inconvenient that would be for him - the costs of divorce, more childcare for him, having to answer questions about the reasons for divorce. He is in self preservation mode and you really need to start looking after and protecting yourself OP. This man does not have your best interests at heart at all.

Have you read the thread from the lady whose husband has left her? (eternal winter or something it’s called). Her children are grown up. What do you think your husband might do when your children grow up?

Unfortunately from what you’ve said, it’s only a matter of time before they start seeing each other again. He’s already told her he misses her. That’s sooo unacceptable of him and says so much about what he is feeling.

I’m so sorry @Spikyseason but from what you’ve posted on here, you deserve a bloke who loves you and only you. Not a cheater who’s temporarily put his kids first. You don’t seem to feature for him much at all.

But then everyone says ‘look at his actions’ and his actions are him adamant he is staying and won’t leave me

I dint think,that’s true. Quite the opposite.
His actions - telling you she is his type, sounding hopeful at the idea of a divorce etc…. are saying a separation is his dream. Not saving his marriage.

I mean, yes he has stopped seing the OW. But then what else has he done? What steps has he taken to regain your trust?
Remember it’s him that is supposed to change and make amends. Not you.

"You are not his type", he really has crawled out of a hole hasn't he?

He loved you when you met, when you courted, when he asked you to marry him, when you had children... But now you are his little Wifey, the one who looks after his home comforts, clean boxers, meals, child care.
& there is this attractive professional younger woman, who has shown interest..
he has lots of money, he can replace you with another house, a cleaner, see the Dc on the odd w/e. and she has a good salary, body, brain....
He has basically upgraded to a newer shinier, version.
I am certain he won't stop seeing her, (supposing she still wants him ?)
My guess he was on the phone to her the very next hour day. Saying he was getting his ducks in a row, "it's complicated", .....roll out all the sycophantic excuses.
If I was you, I would take my time, get him to finance new training, get a nanny, cleaner, (after all 80K can pay for a lot of extra help)
go to the gym, go out/away for w/e.
Then pay a top bulldog lawyer & LTB.

Think of that white plate, he broke it, you can glue it back together, but there will always be cracks.

He’s been fully transparent with his phone, bank accounts, statements etc.
he had a separate email account to contact her that he conveniently deleted immediately after discovery so no idea what was in there.
he shares his location on his phone.
I mean all the ‘usual’ things really.

I think bottom line is if you want to be in a relationship where someone’s heart isn’t in it and they’ve treated you like an option 😔

I think after a while this is what it will boil down to, putting any trust issues to one side.

If he’s been transparent with his phone, how come you were unable to see he’d called or texted her? As I’ve said before be careful he doesn’t have a second secret phone that he’s hiding from you.

But he has actually TOLD you OP that he has contacted her since your supposed reconciliation. So he still has some line of communication with her. Possibly a second phone you know nothing about. .Or a business phone. Or phoning her from his friends - very probably he was doing that on his recent weekend away.

He is an accomplished liar and he led a double life for a year at least. With respect I think you are being very naive if you are believing what he is chosing to share with you is all that there is to see.

Presumably he deleted call history, messages etc. he never had his phone locked during the affair. I always had access.

I just genuinely don’t think I will find anyone else. I’m the wrong side of 40. Young kids. Never really even dated anyone else. I saw what this did to DM, and that has probably made me irrationally afraid of being alone.

It’s different for men, especially when they have money. He will shack up with OW or someone else, possibly more kids.

I am trying to not think too far ahead and focus on the next step which will be trying to gain some independence. I know I will probably start to feel better about things after that but right now I can’t imagine feeling any different.

Honestly the wrong side of 40
with a mortgage free house and independence sounds fabulous 😂

I don’t actually think you realise what he’s actually done
to you and your family yet - at some point it will hit you hard

or your incredibly passive to him