He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Oh no! Not the OW's social media. Detach, detach, detach. It's all about you now. Never mind that adulterous pair. Think about YOUR life. YOUR plans. What YOU want. Yes, of course there are many negatives to getting divorced when you have children, but let's focus on the positives: You can live where you want. You can decorate your new home (if you get one) exactly how you like. You won't be forever wondering if he's with her, or when she other shoe will drop and he'll go back to her, or if he's found someone else. You won't go through the torture of looking for signs that he does love you. You can have long bubble baths when the kids are in bed, and not be bothered about sex when you don't feel like it. You can watch what you want on TV. You can reinvent yourself. And most of all, you will be living an authentic life, where you have drawn a line and said, "I don't stay with people who hurt me so much."

Sending you strength. Distraction is definitely helpful. Have you managed to confide in anyone IRL?

@NoisyDenimShaker You have summed this up perfectly. I hope the OP reads your post over and over. The husband is staying for his own selfish reasons and will make a move when the time is right for him and him only.

What does ‘staying for the kids’ even mean? 😕

It's a cover story. He's staying for his own convenience, but he's so arrogant he thinks if he says it loud and often enough you'll believe him.

Means he gets to keep the home comforts and public image as a family man, and you to do the work of parenting them. If he leaves you and wants to see them he’ll have to make an effort. And he’ll see maintenance as “giving you money” which he’ll resent, rather than “providing for his kids”.

It means he gets to keep kids+ kids caregiver, social secretary, and kids house as a unit.

'Staying for the kids' also means he gets to not face up to his actions and telling them about his affair. He has done this to them as well as to you

And pension, don’t forget that. If he had a divorce, given OP has been a SAHM for years, she’d be getting likely most of the house equity, a chunk of pension, decent maintenance etc etc.

Him staying for now means he doesn’t lose any of that, and if he leaves her when the children are adults and have left home he’ll likely need to give OP far less.

It means his feelings for you, his ‘love’ for you is relational to the children. He ‘loves’ you as a package. What you’re not clear on because his actions contradict what he’s saying is if you take the kids out of the equation, what his feelings for you are as an individual.

His actions - a year long physical and emotional affair with his fantasy woman, complete betrayal of his commitment to you, coupled with minimal effort to show his love for you since (managing to avoid him for weeks on end!), beyond ‘giving her up’ (for the children, not for you by his own admission) - suggest that his love for you as an individual has run its course and /or changed to platonic not romantic love.

If both of you are open and transparent that your relationship is now just about the kids, and your commitment is to a co-parenting, not a romantic relationship that will effectively come to an end when the children no longer require it, there’s nothing wrong with that set up. If you are both honest about it.

The kids will be aware that not all is not well in paradise while you’re both labouring under the false pretence that you’re in a marriage that is not purely about co-parenting. I wouldn’t underestimate the negative impact this is having on them, even with him simply not being around much. (And sounds like it’s a stretch to call it co-parenting currently if he is missing in action most of the time).

Whatever his motivation for making his commitment to stay - reputation saving, financial, guilt, comfort / fear of change, love / duty for his family package, realising the OW wasn’t a full time viable option whatever his feelings for her were etc. - all of the above and perhaps more - he is not showing you that he loves you for you.

And you so deserve to be loved for you, independent of the children/ as a mother. You deserve to be cherished, valued and respected as the incredible woman you are in your own right. But you also deserve the right to choose whether you want to stay in a transparently co-parenting only relationship. There’s no shame in doing that if it’s fulfilling for you.

Do you want a transparently co-parenting relationship only, or do you want a loving marriage? Both require honest conversations, and if he can’t do that you won’t be able to have either.

I wonder if this is why he had so few scruples about spending £80k on himself and OW - because as the great self sacrificer, he thought he deserved to spend it on himself with the possibility that it would be less to go to the OP if there should be a divorce.
OP I think you said you were holding the fort to get Christmas out of the way. I think you are better off at the moment keeping your thoughts and plans very close to your chest until you've processed this and made some decisions. Whilst honesty is the best policy in general, He is wiley and no stranger to lying his head off and you don't want him to scupper your plans before you are ready to act on them. When you've sorted things out in your own mind and have established a stronger position, there will be plenty of time to have honest conversations about what you and your children need.

This would be all well and good but despite making bold claims about how he would die for his kids he also said a sexless marriage would not work for him. So if we were to stay together and co-parent he would be getting it elsewhere, as he had decided he was going to do before. The only way we would be able to coparent is if we separate and I imagine he doesn’t actually want the reality of 50:50 parenting as at the moment he comes and goes as he pleases. On the odd occasion I’ve been away on my own for the weekend he has to get his mother over to help.
I have no doubt the realities of separation will be a huge shock for him….

@Spikyseason

Read @NoisyDenimShaker 's post over and over. And then visualize, really see your new life.

Picture your home, decorate it in your mind just how you want it, be it frilly frills or stark modern. See yourself on the sofa or a comfy chair with the TV remote in your hand, choosing the show you want to watch or just turning off the TV for the blessed silence. Picture the kitchen, the cupboards full of your favourite foods. Now picture yourself choosing what's for dinner without having to consider anyone else. Picture yourself in your nice bed, fluffing the pillows and duvet to your heart's content and then 'starfishing' taking up the whole bed . Leave the light on to read. Have a TV in there to watch. Whatever YOU want! And picture that whole house, clean and neat because you aren't picking up after him. Really SEE it all!

I did this when I made up my mind to kick my abusive exH out. The pictures I had in my mind gave me the courage to choose that new life.

Oh, by the way, when you're 'decorating' your home in your mind, don't consider the cost. That's not the point of the exercise. If you want to picture the Mona Lisa in your living room, do it. If a 50K mink coverlet is what you want, imagine it on that bed. The point is to picture your independence and how good it will be to have it.

It means he didn't choose you, he's just biding his time until the kids are old enough then he's off.

@Spikyseason He was in love with the version of himself he was curating and carefully cultivating at huge expense and getting away with, he genuinely believed it all. This is what he was in love with.

I'm adding my voice to all the amazing PP who say, there's a better life out there for you.

I hope so… thank you.

I have no doubt having a slim, blonde, young thing adoring him did wonders for his self esteem!

How shattering it will be for him when the penny drops that she was there for the 80k. What a fool.

You could never respect him after this and nor should you.

Every minute that you spend focusing on who you are and what you want and need in your future life as a separate entity from him is time well spent.
Clearly his ego needs him to be the hero where he is nobly staying with the family. When you tell him that it is in fact over, the dynamics will shift.

I have read all of this and previously commented. Understandably you are greatly hurting and in a very difficult place at the moment.

I can completely understand why you feel the need to keep the status quo for Christmas, but I really hope you consider everything for yourself for the future.

All your posts sound so accepting, but not. You know deep down it’s not going to work, but you’re scared. It’s huge I respect and appreciate but it’s going to be bigger and harder in years to come.

You sound an intelligent and loving person who is going through a tough time. But you will get through this one day at a time.

You are missing so much about yourself. So much that you are not seeing.

Look at how strong you are? Look at you posting on here and not being defensive or making excuses for him, but listening and taking it all in and when you can, acting on it.

Look at you functioning for your children. Look at you doing all the care. Look at you being on your own anyway because he is basically never there.

I know you fear this 'being alone thing' but actually, being 'with' someone and always feeling alone, running the whole place essentially alone, is worse. It is his actions, not just what he has done here with the OW, but his day to day not genuinely interested in his families life, is what makes you feel like shit.

He is an absolute shit with no regard for your or the children. You are definitely worth more. For yourself and for your children. It's like you are currently kept in a box and not allowed to bloom anyway.

I think you are amazing and strong and there is much more of your life to come. Please believe this. Believe in you. Don't give him any more of your years. He will not treat them with the respect they deserve. But you can. Everyone is here for you. You are not worthy because he says it is so. You are worthy because YOU say so.

This!! In spades!!!

So he’s saying he’ll stay with you providing you meet his sexual needs and if you don’t he’s giving himself permission to cheat again? Some less generous would describe this as coercive control….

You’re right, if you separate and push him for 50/50 it’d ironically probably be the biggest punishment of all if ‘dying for his kids’ (but not being home in time to put them to bed) is a true statement. He’d have to curtail his current freedoms and step back from his beloved career! Practically he’d likely just install a nanny / granny / new mistress to pick up the care, but he’d still have to pick up the mental load.

Meanwhile you’ll be living a fabulous life with both your children and your freedom.

If you stay together and he goes elsewhere for your sexual needs, imagine what beating his ego would get if you did the same. 😉

typo; if he went elsewhere for his* sexual needs and you did the same…

It's actually laughable that someone who has behaved like a complete and utter lying shit is crediting himself with behaving with great nobility and heroics as he claims back the "me time" he lost due to stopping his affair. It's laughable because he appears to have zero self awareness. If he's "staying for the kids" why doesn't he want to spend more time with them?

OP I hope you are doing OK and that you and the DC have a good weekend x

His main concern when I found out was for the kids and that he had ‘damaged’ them and they deserve a better father (they do). With me it was surprise that I was so bothered!