He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Unfortunately op, I think that is the best decision for you at the moment. You are being extremely brave because I know it’s all just exhausting and terrifying. But, this is the first step towards building a good life for you, with you at the centre, no one else. That is what you deserve. But please, do plough on with getting some therapy to help you and also take some of those family funds that he was so happy to fritter away and engage the best, meanest, most shit hot lawyer you can find. Sad sack may not take this well (I can absolutely imagine him being, rather ironically, outraged and trying to make you feel guilty) Do not fall for any of his bullshit. He is still stuck in his affair fog and he doesn’t yet understand that HE has blown up the family not you.
I am pulling for you op and you are not alone. All of us here are cheering you on. You can do this xxx

Feels like you have some so far - I hope that having reaches some sort of resolve you will reach out to family and one or two close friends for support IRL while you map your way through this. You need a hug and someone you know who loves you to be angry for you and beside you.

You’ve been so strong and resilient, so compassionate and considerate of H and your children, you need someone in your corner now. As other PPs say, at times it will be stressful and really difficult, but you will come out of the other side with your head held high.

Wish you so much luck and am sending unmumsnetty hugs, along with hundreds of women on here.

You are very brave, especially given all that you have shared here about your fears. I hope that reaching your decision that will give you some small amount of relief.

As others have said it is a long and difficult road ahead, but you don’t need to know all the answers today. Take it one step at a time, get through it second to second if the next minute looks impossible. Keep posting if it helps, the vipers are here to support you.

You can and will get through this.

Sending you love and strength OP. You are doing a brilliant job in navigating it all despite the horrendous circumstances. Take care of yourself.

Sending you strength OP, you can do this. You and your children deserve better. Your future self will thank you 💐

You’ve made the right decision. Though it’s a hard one, you could tell from your posts that his heart wasn’t in your relationship anymore.

My only advice is keep your cards close to your chest. Make an appointment to see a good solicitor next week when DC are at school. You may also need a forensic accountant to check he hasn’t already tried to hide money but your solicitor will advice. I know this is about more than just money but you just need to make sure you are well set up I hope you also get to see a counsellor too to support you. Only smack down those divorce papers once you are ready, get him on the back foot. Carry on as normally as you can as it’s time for you to be in control and make the moves. Also go on a spending spree, treat yourself, new clothes, facial, make yourself feel good. It always helps me feel more confident in myself. Eat well, I can’t imagine you have been as you’ve been so nervous and upset. Sending you a very firm handhold x

I agree with this.
And I also suspect this isn’t ‘love’ on her part and he’ll be dropped like a hot brick as soon as he’s no longer Mr Unavailable and she no longer has the ego boost of being that bit on the side who was was willing to risk his marriage for.

You deserve so much better, OP.

Get some sleep, take stock, then get mad and get yourself in to see a good divorce solicitor. You need to protect yourself and your DCs going forward.

Reading your update op, I'm so sorry for what you are enduring. I think you have said previously that if it was a ons you could forgive and move on but when there has been a relationship with emotions it would be impossible to get past. Knowing he misses her must be absolutely nauseating.

Sending you best wishes and support. I hope you give him a shock and take control of this very miserable situation. Just focus on being indignant and disgusted with him .

@Spikyseason I'm so sorry, OP. I'm sure you're hurting a lot right now. We're all here for you and will support you through it

This appeared on YouTube and I thought of you op,

He's not going to set you free though, you have to do it yourself.

Good luck.

I’m glad you now find this funny @youlied .

Take solace in the fact that your ex is so unromantic that he only had the imagination to copy you!

it’s interesting as my exH does this still with his current gf ( not AP). They go on day trips to all
the places I took him and our family.

I think you are making the right choice.

I went back to school in my mid fifties and did a two year course to retool (no one wanted a superannuated anthropologist!) and 3 years after graduating I am in a successful private practice and can support myself. I love my new career.

Look at your options. Would it make more sense to retool while still married with full access to his salary or would it make more sense to hire a shit hot lawyer (SHL) and take everything that isn’t nailed down and start again with a nanny for childcare while you go back into full employment?

OP, I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

But I think you are sadly correct in your analysis and ultimately the relationship is over.
It suits him to limp on for a few more years but it will end eventually.
That is why good legal advice now is so important, so that you and your children are not penalised long term for his choices and mistakes.

As you will go through this process, a thread to support and advise you would be wise.
I think a visit to the GP could be good to perhaps prescribe you a non addictive anti depressant to give you a lift in yourself.
You have been through such a hard time.

The advice is so hard to hear but ultimately this is a pain you are going to have to go through and better now that 6-10 years from now.
Childrens lives bdcome about their peers from about 12-14 years and as parents it is about being there for guidance when they need it, dropping and collecting them.
This could well be when he thinks he can go, they have their own lives to be busy with.
Also, think about a life coach, career guidance person, for advice.

Spend joint money NOW to prepare and support you through this transition.

Thank you - I’m not rushing to say anything whilst children are at home, and I will need to get my thoughts in order before making any moves. In terms of retraining it probably doesn’t make too much difference if I do it pre or post separation but I probably don’t want to be doing a stressful divorce with too much else going on.

I can’t even think about telling DC now.

I have done my utmost to avoid anti-depressants. As I said the main issue for me currently is the physical anxiety. I feel like I am being crushed. And have Halloween to do later as well…

the advice upthread regarding the yoga was very helpful thank you. I have noticed it just makes me cry!
I feel so low today.

Just be nice to yourself. You’ve got some time- be gentle, give yourself treats and soothing as you would a friend in this situation. No rush to anything, just allow yourself to grieve and to process x

It’s prob best you wait to get legal advice when kids are back at school before saying anything. Sorry if I am banging on about the legal stuff but it’s very important you don’t give him a chance to reach before your ducks are in a row as they say on MN.
Doing Halloween today will be tiring when it’s usually I’m sure an enjoyable time. Today I suppose is a day you just get through it.
Regarding anti depressants, there is another poor lady on her second thread and was bereft when her husband left her for an ow. They made her feel very unwell however that’s not to say they are not for you. Only you know how bad you feel right now, please please start the counselling 😔

@Spikyseason I stayed with my husband after his affair but only because it was a one off and because of what he did and felt about it. Had he been unfaithful again or said any of the things your husband has said, I would not have stayed either, it would render everything he said about the way he felt about me meaningless and trust would be dead forever.
I think you are making the right decision for yourself and your children, your husband is just guilty, not remorseful. To say he is selfish and egotistical would be an understatement.
I also know that it takes a huge amount of courage to make this decision and act on it, you are a very brave woman and even though you no doubt feel at rock bottom now, things will get better for you.
Remind yourself when it hurts so badly, that you are doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing is scary and very painful, but it always remains the right thing to do.
Allow yourself to grieve what you have lost, despite his behaviour you have loved him and wanted the marriage, which is perfectly natural, you are his wife. Don’t feel ashamed for loving him, you can’t turn it off like a tap, as you grieve you will start to see clearly who he really is and once you do, loving him will honestly be the last thing you feel about him.
As you start to feel stronger you can plan properly and get things in place for yourself.
If it helps at all, and I know how awful you feel, concentrate as hard as you can on the Halloween night you are going to give your children. I know how mad and trite this sounds given what you are going through, but it will show you how strong and mighty you are and you will be proud if yourself afterwards, no matter how difficult it feels at the time. I was blindsided by my husband’s infidelity and because of one of our children’s imminent important exams, I had to pretend everything was ok. The mundane school stuff I had to do then actually gave my mind a rest from the horror show. It might hopefully prove a distraction and give your exhausted mind something else to turn its attention to. Focusing on them will show you all the good things you still have in your life and always will have. The man is a fool, you sound lovely, now prioritise the good things in your life and a better future will start to look not just possible but will unfold before you.
You can do this, do not let this take an atom of your self worth away, be the best @Spikyseason you can be and the best mum you can be. Sending all best wishes.

How you feel is understandable OP and you don’t have to DO anything right now. You’ve actually done so much already by thinking about all this tirelessly and reaching a conclusion in your own mind. Can you schedule some time to do something nice for yourself? Is there a friend you can meet up with who will be supportive and encouraging?

You will feel better once you get some decent sleep. How you feel is totally normal. I think as a society we have a tendency to try to pathologise and medicalise difficult feelings / distress. Whether you want to seek medication is a personal choice but I would encourage you to consider your feelings as changing and temporary - notice them like waves and know you won’t feel this way forever. I actually view your latest update as a positive step - which sounds mad considering how awful you are feeling, but this is different from the numbness you have described before. You are getting more in touch with your emotions, this is healthy - you have an outlet here, see if you can create more IRL as discussed earlier in the thread.

Focus on little steps day by day. Your next Halloween will feel much less scary than this one!

@Spikyseason I have read both of your threads. I am so sorry this has happened to you. For what its worth I am a psychotherapist and feel that the conclusion that you have come to today sounds so painful, but you are being so honest with yourself and incredibly brave.

In your old thread, I really wanted you to start thinking about yourself. An analogy that I use quite often is that you were spending all your time and energy on his side of the tennis court, trying to work out his feelings, his thoughts, his motives. I can see that there has been a shift to you being back on your side of the court, looking at what you need, what you feel, what you want and its so important. As others have said its hard to read some of the negative things that you say about yourself and your future. From what I have read you are an intelligent, thoughtful, considered and lovely woman.

I think you are doing amazingly. Keep going. And that man is an idiot.

The physical manifestation of your emotional state, yoga making you cry: this is all normal. You're in a high-stress situation (stress as in pressured by the weight of big things, not frantically busy juggling balls). It's very very normal for something like yoga to make a person cry. Meditation will be beyond you at the moment, there's just too much going on in your head. The magnitude of what you've been presented with by your DH is huge. It doesn't sound like anger is your thing, it may or may not come. But he's forcing you to do things you had no intention of doing, no expectation of doing, no requirement to do, and dragging your children along as collateral damage. All for his own benefit. He is doing this to you all, for himself.

Take the time, to your own schedule, to figure out how you want to go forward. It's not on you to tell the children if you don't want to. Don't ever forget that the responsibility for the changes that are coming are your DH's. He has done this to them. He is pulling out of the commitment he made to them and to you. He is breaking up the stable home they've known thus far (they will always have a stable home with you, that doesn't change). He is the one who went looking elsewhere. You are not responsible for his actions. You bear no guilt. He will probably say "I'm not going, I'm staying here so we keep the family together", which will make you feel like if you tell him you want a divorce/ he has to go/ you can't live with him anymore, YOU are the one breaking up the family. Be very careful to assume no responsibility for his actions. Whichever iteration of separation you end up with (him leaving the family home; you three moving to a new home and him going his own way etc), be clear throughout that all of this is only happening because of him. That you refusing to live your life married to and living with a lying, cheating spouse is not "breaking up the family", that he did that when he had sex with another woman for a whole year behind your and your kids' backs. Remind him that him wanting to cheat on you and not have you walk out on him isn't an option, and certainly isn't what "family" is. Remind him what marriage is, remind him who broke their vows, remind him who has hurt and insulted and betrayed whom. And be very clear in your own mind that this is all his doing. You will increasingly be thinking in terms of "I" rather than "we", and decreasingly even "him".

Doesn’t everyone cry during yoga? I certainly have and I have seen so many others do so I think most yoga instructors are prepared!

Maybe swimming? Or jazz excercises? Take some time to be with yourself and comfort yourself. Weighted blankets. Massages. Hot showers.

Yea, yoga teachers are prepared for people to cry, but they won’t be prepared for someone to have a release of trauma (if that happens- and it could, especially in yin yoga which the OP mentioned). A good yoga therapist will be able to allow that release to happen with more control and a softer landing, and/or suggest tools to manage challenging feelings and be with difficult emotions. None of that is within a yoga teacher’s scope of practice, however well meaning they might be.

Just wanted to say I admire your strength @Spikyseason . The posts from @Thewookiemustgo and @Onlyonekenobe say everything I’d try to say so won’t repeat other than that you sound amazing, and you deserve so much better than the way you’ve been treated.

Are you ok today OP? @Spikyseason Anxiety-wise I mean.