He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

I had a very traumatic break up (although I look back now and thank my lucky stars he ended it) and really, I learned that your heart can break - in a very physical way.

You strike me as someone who is very much ‘keep calm and carry on’, someone who maybe over functions and internalises a lot. This type of personality and coping style can lead to somatic manifestations of distress, I’m not surprised you are exhausted! Plus the torturous rumination and wondering what to do for the best, analysing everything while he is in pure avoidance / keep busy mode. I think you need to take your mind off your mind, which is easier said than done!

Different things work for different people. Some people swear by cold water swimming (even cold showers), yoga, running / work outs with a powerful playlist, breathing techniques, imagery, progressive muscle relaxation… the list goes on. Maybe try a few things and see what works for you. There are lots of decent relaxation videos on youtube and decent apps for anxiety e.g breathing space. A concept of worry time could also be helpful for you - essentially you will be trying to contain your worry/ruminations/thinking about this situation to a set time in the day, so that you are less bogged down by it other times. Most people are terrible at relaxation, me included. A lot of the time we are in distraction mode and not actually relaxed - which is a physiological process that takes practice. Mindfulness is something else you could try, and this comes in many different forms. You can even practice doing mundane things mindfully - such as showering or having a cup of tea. By really paying attention to all the sensations using your 5 senses it can be surprisingly effective.

You clearly have a lot of insight and awareness re drinking, perhaps you could choose another drink of choice that feels like a treat but not alcoholic - there are lots of good non alcoholic spirits around, or fancy hot chocolate or herbal teas. Make it part of a self care ritual for yourself to wind down in the evening. Wear something comforting and light a candle which has a scent you love. Drink mindfully really paying attention to how the drink smells, feels in your hands, tastes. Up the self care OP, he has shown you no compassion so it’s time for self compassion in buckets. I’m sure this will feel alien to you, but do it anyway. And start therapy - for YOU, not you both as a couple.

It’s probably partly stoicism and partly shock. Mostly shock. Sometimes I feel entirely numb but physically I feel terrible, it’s really strange.

thank you @Plastictrees - I have some of the Tripp CBD oil so I am trying that. DH works late most night (I know!) and I’m usually in bed by the time he gets home, so it does give me some time by myself in the evenings to just focus on me. Not sure I could manage cold water swimming, but I’ve heard yin yoga is good for trauma. I find it hard to meditate as my mind is racing.

re: couples counselling, I found the ‘advice’ a bit suspect. Stuff about how I shouldn’t look through DH’s phone and he should feel
able to show me anything he feels I need to see to keep accountable. Like he’s a child? Supposed to rebuild trust apparently and make him feel he can be open with me. Probably why he told me he missed the OW. In the name of ‘openness’ 🙈

anyway we didn’t go for very long. I agree solo therapy best for now!

Why don't you want the equivalent of the money spent on the ow? Do you like using £80k as a stick to beat your husband with? If not for yourself, insist equivalent is spent on your children now. Put it in on a trustfund for dc. If he really truly loves those dc he wouldn't mind spending such silly amounts on them as well.

Stop protecting him. He is not on your side yet. He is not safe yet. Also very importantly, have you booked std screening yet?

Hey Op, not sure what industry your DH is in, but I work in the city with lots of finance guys. They are very good at compartmentalising. They need the wife and kids TICK but it’ll be completely OK if they cheat. I doubt it bothers their brains at all.

the fact he spent 80k is quite something tho. That in my world = a lot of feelings. Is he boarding school / private school?

you are the kids are necessary, he doesn’t want to be a weekend dad, that looks bad. So he’s decided to stay.

Maybe that is enough for you. But he will have another cheaper OW soon, would be my bet.

see a therapist. See a divorce lawyer for advice. Share with your friends. See what they say.

Interesting - why do you ask about boarding / private school?

@Shushquite yes I had screening after I found out which was humiliating but all fine, which was lucky given they were having unprotected sex… 😬

you are the kids are necessary, he doesn’t want to be a weekend dad, that looks bad. So he’s decided to stay.

This is key. You make him more attractive. Without you, he is not much at all.

Boarding school = really really damaged. Hiding it well. Give up now, you are married to a manufactured sociopath.

private school = welllll depends which one. If just a bog standard one then maybe it’ll be Ok but prob not. If a well known, well established one, see above.

it’s not your fault. He’s just not all there

agree with that.

Some of the generalisations on this thread are quite extraordinary.
OP, he’s not remorseful, he’s not wrapped his head around what he’s actually done/ is doing to you and his children, the bare minimum is ending an affair and going non-contact and he’s failing miserably.
Whatever his reasons are for staying with you, at present he’s not doing anything about giving you a good reason to stay with him.
Of course you are in shock. The feeling numb and awful simultaneously, is your brain trying to protect you but the impact of the trauma of what he has done to you is leaking through.
Initially this was too much to take and so you shut down. Now you are slowly absorbing the truth, what you really feel is slowly coming out.
The cash is eye watering, but for a really high earner to spend this amount of money, it isn’t an accurate reflection of what he felt or feels for her, it’s more a reflection of how much his ego was enjoying playing Mr Big to her pampered Princess.
If a man measures himself by how much he earns and his status in his career, it’s hardly surprising that the more he splashes out, the more successful he thinks he looks. His ego desperately needs validation, so her squeals of delight at an expensive gift tell him all he needs to hear about himself, plus she’s far more likely not to rock the boat if she thinks more of this is on the horizon. The gift might be more “I love the way your excitement at me throwing money at you makes me feel” than “I love you.” The expensiveness of the gift might be to make him feel great about himself, not deliberately and solely to make her feel good.
Affairs are not always, but often, more about the high of the attention, flattery and the high of pulling an attractive woman for illicit sex than real love. He has a fantasy image of himself as the rich big shot who can have whoever he wants and he wants to play this out.
He comes across as a man who validates his success by how much cash he can throw around to impress people, what his arm candy looks like and who has watched one too many Bond movies.
His affair partner can see this from the moon and is no doubt playing it for all she’s worth because he lets her. She may well think she is a clever, irresistible femme fatale who has charmed a rich man to treat her to the high life she was always destined for. Both egos feeding off the situation and how they validate each other. People who actually love each other don’t feel the need to do this stuff to such an exaggerated extent. They care about each other’s needs and feelings, they do not measure their worth on how much they spend on each other.
How much or even whether he loves her will come to light when she stops fawning and starts making demands. How much she loves him will come to light when he decides he’s got his feet under the table, has spent enough and turns the tap off, or she realises the extent of the baggage he will arrive with and dump at her door should you throw him out.
You have been appallingly treated and it’s time to set some boundaries to protect yourself. Even in this situation I can see why you are reluctant to do this, it’s scary to look at an alternative future and you never thought you would have to.
Take great care of yourself, decide what you want going forward and tell him. If you, as well as the children, are not his top priority, then it is time to rethink your marriage, as painful and scary as that is.
You are not the nanny who enables his family life whilst he lives as a single man. You are his wife. He is your husband. He needs to understand that as quickly as possible and you need to get yourself well and mentally strong enough to communicate that to him and show him the consequences of ignoring those facts.
I wish you strength and urge you to prioritise yourself in ways you never have before. Whilst he does not have your back, you need to.

I'm going to give you a complete different perspective, but that's probably because I have lived longer and seen more things. Over my last 62 years I have seen many marriages falter, especially when children are small it's extremely stressful on all sides. Normally the mother sacrificing herself for the children's welfare and the father bearing all the financial burden or at least the line of share of it it's really hard.

However, I have also seen a large number of marriages, overcome infidelity be it emotional or physical. I've also seen the last number of marriages fail.

The ones that succeed are almost entirely down to genuine remorse and good good communication. In fact, some of the best marriages I know are those where they have been very similar difficulties in the early years but I've gone on to prove the exception .

But OP’s DH doesn’t have any remorse. At all.

So I’ve been up all night just going over and over this in my head and I think ultimately, all the lying and disrespect that goes with cheating aside, I know in my gut that DH loved and is probably in love with this woman.
I can see it in his eyes when he spoke about her. In his tone of voice when he called her, even though it was in front of me. I catch him looking completely bereft sometimes and although I’ve been kidding myself it’s the pain of hurting me, I know deep down it isn’t.
I shouldn’t have to force him to tell another woman he loves me and wants to work on his marriage. I have no doubt he feels guilty, and that can be a powerful factor in doing the ‘right’ thing objectively speaking but eventually that will fade, even if it takes years, the resentment will creep in most likely on both sides.

As PPs have said, I am just something he needs to put up with so he can live full time with DC. I guess he thinks that can continue and maybe he’ll get over her but he probably won’t. The relationship died an unnatural death and there will always be unfinished business.

So all the other stuff aside, despite how much we worked on things and even if he earned my trust back it will never be enough.

I don’t want to torture myself by watching him grieve her.

So I guess this will have to be it and I am going to have to think of practicalities as soon as I feel strong enough. I suppose first priority is trying to get some sleep! And thank you all again. I just can’t do this anymore. Even writing this felt impossible but I have to write it down somewhere.

I'm so sorry, but it does sound like you are right.

Hand hold.

You are so brave. Well done for taking control of this, it’s a long and hard road ahead but through all the clouds and mist will be your happy future - finding yourself again and with it happiness for you and the kids.

It may not be the life you thought you’d have, but itll be a good one

You have done well in reaching this conclusion. It's a difficult path ahead but you've made the first important step. We are all here to support you. You and your kids deserve so much more

I think you are very brave and you are listening to your own guy which will tell you what you can and can't live with.
If you do go ahead and end the marriage, two things to consider. 1) act while he is feeling guilty so you get the best possible deal for you and DC. 2) be very open with friends and family about what he has done so he can't spin a narrative that he is the victim.

I would suggest you work on getting your Ducks in a row.
Get some counselling/therapy to sort out your feelings and lack of self esteem.
Maybe also try to find someone to give you some career mentoring.
Get legal advice.
Start a new career - use his guilt to get him to step up. I started a new career in my 50s you can do it.

And you certainly can still meet someone. But as you got together so young, I would suggest a period of doing it yourself.
Do also draw friends closer, and even casual acquaintances who've been through divorce can be real strengths.

It's really really sad for you OP but you have definitely come to the right decision.

I think now you have made the decision you will start to feel a sense of relief that you are no longer agonising over what to do. And when you start to put the wheels in motion you will get stronger and stronger.

You will get through this.

All best wishes to you.

OP, as money is no object and given your internalising/not feeling everything, I would suggest seeing a yoga therapist before trying yin yoga or any sort of meditation or breathwork on your own. These can be powerful practices and as with any that change your brain chemistry and thought processes, should be approached with an awareness that they may have adverse effects as well as positive ones. Particularly if trauma is released with nowhere to be unpacked it can be very difficult or even damaging to deal with if you aren’t properly supported. The Minded Institute trains yoga therapists and has a focus on & clear guidelines for their trainees on yoga therapy for trauma, so I would suggest visiting their website and finding someone specialist who can help you. Some of their yoga therapists are also psychotherapists and would be able to deal with your history as well as the present moment. I recommend this organisation because I have experience with them, and as yoga therapy is unregulated in the UK I can say that they are properly trained and supervised which may not be the case for everyone who calls themselves a yoga therapist.

I also drink more than I should. I have established a rule about no wine on a school night, which helps. I don’t rate the Tripp drinks but I do quite like a brand called Medahuman, which aren’t fizzy and aren’t too sweet so they work for me as an evening drink. (They do a range and some are designed to be more energising so I get the night-time ones.)

You might also look at your local college for Access to Higher Education courses- I did one in art and loved it. Or maybe look at your “hobby business” and see if it interests you enough to invest more in it, get some training or experience in that area, that sort of thing? Do you have a ‘fantasy job’ like running your perfect cafe or a lovely florist’s shop, that you could experiment with moving towards? Maybe this is an opportunity to try a few things and see if you find something that really excites you as an occupation. H can fund it for you 🤔

Just saw your last update and sending strength and sympathy. 💐

I’m sorry OP but you’re second best to her. He didn’t get back with you because he loves you, he got back for the sake of the kids. That’s no way to live. It’s crumbs. I realise stability for kids is important but are you really going to sacrifice these next years? Create a new stability on your own

Big big hugs @Spikyseason

What you're going through is so so tough. You're grieving for someone who's still alive (I used to think it would have been easier if he'd died), and people will tell you to go on & live your best life, that you're better off without him, and you will get through this. All these things are true, but they don't help in getting through this minute by minute, hour by hour.

You will survive.

But be gentle with yourself now. Just plod. Get through the hours.

@Spikyseason make no mistake OP, he's 100% making plans for the future. He'll be sorting his finances and seeking legal advice.

I have been following from the beginning. Some of your experience has resonated with me, and your latest update is very brave and very insightful. You will still have difficult and dark times ahead, but the clarity of knowing in your bones what the reality is will be your guiding light and see you through. Hold onto your truth. You will be ok. More than ok. You are going to bloom into a wise, warm and strong woman, stronger and happier than you may believe possible now.
Deep breaths, you got this and everything will work out xx