OP I wanted to give you a perspective from the other side of this, from the ‘OW’ although I didn’t know I was one when this happened.
I dated a guy a few years ago, he was in his early 50s and had been married for many years with children. He was working abroad and told me he was progressing through a divorce, as he only ever stayed for the children. He told me his wife was a heavy drinker and he had been trying to leave her for years as he was unhappy but felt guilty as they had children and she appeared suicidal.
Anyhow, a very long story short, turns out he wasn’t actually separated, and was living a double life. I had a long conversation with him after this about why he would do this, his wife was desperate for him to stay (I know this because she told me herself) His wife told me he had many affairs and left a couple of times for a new life with a new partner, but came back because they had children.
This man told me he didn’t love his wife but she was the anchor at home keeping everything going, he always stayed because they had children and he felt guilty because he said he’d look after her.
He told me he was trying to ‘let love win over guilt’ but could never manage the break away from her. He also told me he wished she’d meet someone else to stop him feeling guilt.
Orher than him being a total and utter arsehole, I think it gives a good insight into the thought process of someone staying with their partner for the sake of the kids. He spent many thousands of pounds on us doing things, bought me gifts and wrote me hundreds of cards and letters. This was someone making the effort to show me his feelings for me (clearly when I realised he’s a lying cheat, that really didn’t mean anything)
The wife didn’t end the relationship for fear of change and I know he’s since had another affair, full on lying and making a life with someone else. But the wife is still with him because she fears change and he is what she knows.
Do you want to be that person? Or do you want to be free, own this and build your self respect. Make that leap and realise your potential. He cheated on you and therefore is opting out of a marriage with you - you mean something too, not just the children so don’t forget that.
Your husband is only there for the children. He’s said it. He loves someone else.
He can’t manage to look after the children full time, so he needs someone else to do that. That person is you, and he’ll sacrifice his own wants so he can see his children grow up. But make no mistake, as soon as he feels they’re old enough (and who knows what age that is) to live with separation, he will be gone. You’ll have wasted even more years and be even more of a shell of yourself.
Allow yourself to think of a life without him. Your own home, new hobbies, someone to listen to you rather than shoot you down when you want to talk about what happened in the playground. Not always wondering what he’s doing.
Don’t rely on him, rely on you. You can do it and things can only get better from here