Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

Go and see her in person

I don't think telling her in the middle of chemo is a good idea let her get over that first she has enough to deal with right now , but all means tell her when she is better but now is not the time to turn her life further upside down if she is going through treatment she is suff ring enough right now x

I think he's probably told her you've been trying to sleep with him and he can't keep quiet any longer, or something like that - he will have prepared something in case you told. He wouldn't have been able to block you without her noticing at some point. I would write a letter with all the information you have, and post it when you know she'll get to it first.

I would wait until he is out and go round with the keys. Did the message sound like she wrote it herself?

That husband is the lowest kind of shitbag, isolating his sick wife when she is at her lowest ebb.

Sorry just seen all the updates - just keep in mind d she can't leave him she is sick going through chemo and can't work he earns the money the women had no choice and if you or I were as sick as she is right now leaving him would probably be the last thing on your mind regardless she is probably just trying to survive her treatment and make sure kids are ok. I think send her a letter in the post make it look official so husband doesn't open it and just explain what happened and that you respect that she doesn't want to see you and leave it that , that's all you can do.

My ex partner cheated on me whilst I was seriously ill in hospital, fighting for my life. I found out once I came out of hospital, and I couldn't cope. Being ill, nearly dying and then finding out my partner was a cheating shit bag. All too much, together. I shut down. I stayed because I physically and emotionally didn't have the strength to leave. I would be very wary in telling someone their husband is cheating, now, whilst she is unwell and vulnerable. Unless you have walked in the same shoes (or similar), it's very easy to say 'yes tell her'. However, you don't know how that will effect her, emotionally...on top of everything else she has going on in her life. Not suggesting, the OP should stay quiet forever...but is now really best for her?

I would go round with the keys and knock on the door when you know he won't be there. I would want to know what he had said to her (if anything) and if she still wanted my support - at least to hear it from the horse's mouth if she doesn't want you there. Regardless of whether she knows about the affair I'd just want to check she is ok.

It would be awful to think that her H had sent the message and your friend just thought you had ghosted her.

If you are having to get your friend to chemo and do things for the kids any concerned husband would do in these circumstances it doesn't look like a 'obe off' to me ...as terrible as even that is. It looks like he's had his head turned and already pretty much checked out of the marriage to me.
What you should do about it? I really don't know what would be for the best. How much longer does she have on chemo? If not long wait until the chemo is finished maybe. Tell him he has to tell her himself when the chemo is done or you will and in the meantime time he'd better shape up? If she still has a long course of chemo ahead tell him that he has until the weekend to tell her or you will?
You have a terrible dilemma on your hands op. The only thing I feel sure of (more or less) is that as a really good friend, committed and supportive, you can't keep this info to yourself long term. I know I wouldn't expect a trusted friend to leave me in the dark long term over this and would be very hurt if it all came out later and she found out you knew and didn't tell her.
On the other hand( there's always another hand) if he actually stops because you know it could be considered cruel to tell her if it blows over. I know this doesn't really help m..except to help you think out as many ways forward as possible. Best advice I have ...don't rush your decision ...maybe watch and wait for a little while? Make sure that if/when you tell your df you explain how you have agonised about telling her and just hope you are doing the right thing. If it all goes pear shape in some way ...she knew and was blocking it off for now or something ....remember none of it is your fault. You sound like an amazing friend giving great support to your friend. Good luck with how you love forward on this one. 💐

Keep every single text OP. Do not be tempted to delete them.
Do you know who her GP is?
I would be contacting them and letting them know how vulnerable she is.
What an absolutely awful situation for her to be in.
You sound like such a lovely woman.

He’s either told her a pack of mega lies or taken her phone, written the message and blocked you.

I don’t mean to be a bitch, but you should not have done anything at this stage, until she was stronger and better - even with him. I was one of the posters advocating this. I know it’s too late to turn back the clock, but perhaps it will benefit someone else reading this thread.

Mumsnet is a dangerous place to take advice. It’s very easy from behind a keyboard to type things out which don’t affect your own life. People type out all sorts of stuff - some of them even believe that’s what they “would” do. But they likely haven’t been in the situation and what they think you “would” do is very different to what they actually do when you are faced with a grim situation like the one you have faced.

To be fair, adultery is not against the law. This man was in his own house, not breaking laws and you walked in and then subsequently tried to use the information you gleaned to tell him how to behave (step up to the plate, tell her when better etc etc). Someone who is arrogant and selfish enough to cheat on his wife when she is having cancer treatment is never to be told what to do - and certainly not by someone he thinks so little of as you (he had already been treating you as a nanny, transport and carer rolled into one for free, which is why I think he just thinks you’re his unpaid servant).

Anyway again I have not meant this in a bitchy way.

I would leave it a week, watch for him leaving for work or whatever and go and speak in person with her whilst he’s not there. He could have told her anything. Anything apart from the truth.

The GP won’t do anything at all.

It sounds to me as if he's got in first with a tarradiddle, which has the extra shitty effect of isolating her from other sources of support

I'd want to see her in person to see why she has blocked you. He has either told her lies or he is controlling her life.

One thing you could do is take flowers, a book or a pile of magazines to her ward, with a card and a little note saying you completely respect her choice to block you and that you will not be in touch again unless she initiates it, and that you wish her well and will always be there for her. Include your phone number so that she has got a separate note of it

OP I think, unfortunately, you will need to back off.

There wasn't illness involved but I once told a friend that her DH was having affairs with other women. I was blamed and it was turned into me trying it on with him which was categorically untrue.

I think this might be what her DH has suggested to her going from your updates.

I would either keep hold of the key until you are asked for it, then if she asks you can have a conversation or put it through the door with a note.

Continuing this while she is ill is not going to help her. Hopefully one day she will discover the truth for herself.

So has he started taking care of her, being a good DH etc?

Does she love him? He sounds like a rubbish DH.

Is the treatment expected to work? What is her prognosis?

This.
and at the very least, you must tell her.

I’d go round when he’s not there and show screenshots. If she won’t answer the door have a letter ready to put though the letter box.

Are you blocked on all media ?

I would want to take him aside and say exactly this to him. And say you want to see him stepping up and valuing his children and his wife, being present for them both every minute of every day from now on.

I honestly am not sure if I would tell her right now - just because it might break her when her resistance is already low due to chemo. It might endanger her health further But if I did, I'd make sure he was in the house too, and that he told her in front of you so that he didn't try to give her some shitty half truth or even lie and say you had come on to him and were now threatening to tell some appalling lies about him. A man like that is capable of anything, so I would want to be with her when he admitted it, to support her but also so that one honest adult will give her a clear account of what they saw and understand how she might feel afterwards, because he certainly won't.

Hold on. You think this critically ill woman needs a cheating arse of a husband going to her hospital appointments with her? He’s hardly going to be supportive is he?
Fair enough, clean the house, mind the kids, buy flowers but she needs real people with her not fakers who have been blackmailed into being there.

This is a very good post.

Such a difficult position to find yourself in.

I think he's probably told her a pack of lies and maybe even suggested or even told her that you made a move on him to trigger such a reaction from her.

She's probably feeling very alone now and knows she has to rely on him.

Keep all the details, the texts etc and be there for her if and when she does need you.

I wonder who will do all the parenting that you've been doing now...

Hi I am sorry but this is a private matter for her that I cannot share. Thanks for your concern.

She is not on social media. She has no one to share with.

I'd go around when he's not there as well and when you know the kids aren't there. Tell her you won't come again, but you wanted to make sure she was Okay because her husband threatened you when you caught him cheating on her and you made it clear he had to tell her or you would.

Make sure she's the one who ended it and that she knows the truth.