DH and I are foul to one another

[tiredsince2020]

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but far from being the best version of myself around DH I become irritable, snappy, defensive, sarcastic and passive aggressive, and I feel he’s much the same to me.

We have a lot of pressures on us as a family. We have two very young children (young toddler and preschool stage), I work three days a week, DH is full time but because his job does take him away sometimes and is a long commute he isn’t around much during the week. I feel he isn’t very supportive. For example yesterday I took both children out of the house in the morning to a church event, when I came home the house was still a tip. I didn’t expect a deep clean or anything but just a quick tidy of toys would have been good. I feel all the house stuff falls on me and it’s impossible to keep on top of. As a result the state of the house is a factor in everyone’s stress levels. But no sooner is it immaculate and gleaming than it is trashed.

I don’t feel he’s very supportive with the children - he does love them, but he’s happy to leave the kind of day to day mechanics to me and if we ever disagree on something it often doesn’t get addressed properly, meaning it just kind of festers.

I am sure there’s things he isn’t happy about with me too. But it comes out in these horrible ways. I know people will say to talk it out but I am not sure how. Mostly it I try to talk to him about something serious it ends up being my fault somehow or he just dismisses it.

I know I’ve painted him in a bad light here and honestly I was ready to tell him I wanted to end the marriage yesterday, and that might still happen but I really, really don’t want it to. Not for me but the children.

I guess the alternative is to leave him and then you have the mental load of co-parenting.

If you just want to vent here, then that is fine. But every solution or option is shot down without any openness to try and see if you could make it work.

Divorce will also be expensive, if therapy is not an option due to finances, then if I were you I would start saving for a divorce.

It's not the same as not being in a relationship situation, but a male relative moved in with me a year ago so he could save money to buy a place.

He pays half the bills and no rent, and all I expect from him is to tidy up after himself and help out with some of the household chores: cleaning the kitchen after he's cooked, emptying the bin when it's full, buying shared items like milk and toilet rolls, etc.

I verbally discussed this with him - all fine. Except he will do these things for a few weeks then stop, leaving everything to me. Found myself repeating the same things over and over again to which he would improve for a few weeks, then lapse back into being a selfish twat.

Eventually, I made a list of all the dos and don'ts and jobs I expect him to do- laminated it and left it on the fridge. So far it's worked.

I thought he would be pissed off by the 'list' but he said he likes it as it keeps him focused on what he needs to do. He is on the autism spectrum so maybe that is why.

Do you know what?

I'd wait a few years to build up some family equity, get a good woman-centered solicitor & fuck him off.

I'd give him the opportunity to change, but if the lady ain't for turning, you're pissing in the wind.

Pointless.

Get yourself back into full time work, make your life proceedable and then step away from this relationship as a fully actualised woman.

You sound sad and done @tiredsince2020, I think you're better than that. Don't let a shitty man drag you down.

I think you'll be ok.

You're articulate, self-aware & you recognise the problem.

You'll be fine.

While you're dealing with night wakings and lack of sleep, he's watching a film. Honestly this would send me over the edge. What a selfish prick.

I'm so sorry. I have experienced some overwhelming dickishness from my DH in a similar vein. The memories and resentment do diminish in the mists of time, if you can make it that far.

Can you think of any way that would open his eyes to this imbalance?

I went back to work full time, hired a cleaner twice a week and sent clothes to a laundry cleaner.

My OH wasn’t awful but we were just both burnt out and realised we needed more capacity and decided to try this and buy in help. Our marriage is a lot better and I’m less grumpy.

Don't reduce your hours.

IMO, you would be better off doing one of:

• Work full time and hire a nanny and housekeeper.
• Become a SAHM and take on all the household work.

You are really not helping

Berating people never fixes anything

I do understand why people push cleaners, it seems obvious, but the actual cleaning takes minutes. It’s the tidying and putting away and then it’s out again and you do it again, and again, and again, several times a day, and the house is still a tip.

@Scarydinosaurs look, I’m sorry if you didn’t like my response but it was the bald truth. It isn’t therapy or divorce. Therapy costs what - £50 a session, and that’s the cheaper ones, I don’t have £200 spare a month. You can get shirty all you like; I still don’t have it. I posted this morning three, wrung out, annoyed and fed up. I’m not expecting magic solutions here, but I do know counselling is not it.

Well, you can resign from the whore role

Doesn't sound like he does anything to make himself desirable

I would really appreciate it though if posters could stop writing lists of things for me to do. I don’t need advice on housework, I can do the housework. It is time and also the fact that no sooner have I cleared one area of the house than someone else trashes it.

People are focusing on tips for housework because it's the only avenue they feel they can offer any advice on.

It's obvious that the real issue is the relationship - you don't feel he cares about you at all and is, as PP have pointed out, happy to watch you slowly sink under a mound of chores and total responsibility for everything.

So that leaves the option of either staying in the relationship, or leaving it.

You have said you don't want to leave.

So PP are giving advice based on your choice to stay.

You've said you've tried talking, and it makes things worse, so that appears to be a no go area (even though it's probably the only way to actually get some sort of outcome here).

And so the only option posters have is to suggest how to manage the housework.

Editing to apologise for my tone. I think it's hit quite close to the bone for me and I'm sorry if my feelings about my own situation have clouded my response here. For what it's worth, I was in a similar dynamic, and I chose to leave. Zero regrets.

I do actually think things would run a lot smoother if I wasn’t working but I also know I’d be in a very precarious position then.

And what should her husband do?

And so the only option posters have is to suggest how to manage the housework. and they can stop, can’t they?

A clean but unhappy home is better than a dirty, unhappy home for the kids.

Give it a rest

Please

This happens all the time between couples when they have children. Some make it and some don't. It is the hardest time of your lives as a couple.

Whether you know it or not, your relationship has changed from being about you two and your satisfaction, to being about protecting and rearing the young.

I was you 17 years ago, and your issue drove my first post on MN.

I did not want to break up, but I was so overwhelmed by everything I felt it would relieve the pressure.

I had a lot of good advise. A practical one that worked incredibly well was - make a list. A list of household tasks that need to be done every week. Sit with a bottle of wine or tea and figure out who does what from the list. No mention of "help" or any loaded words. Simply - this needs to be done. Which do you want and which do I do? Practical. And then, hand over.

My own little hack was booking babysitters for an afternoon out, rather than an evening out. We would come home for around 6 or 7. The babysitter would have the kids ready for bed. Our timing would coincide with bedtime story etc. Kids to bed and a nice long evening together.

This is the really hard bit. Acknowledge that to each other - it helps to have it on the table.

DoN't give up you job.

Sorry I care about kids. A lot of kids are left with long term attachment issues due to growing up in such anxiety inducing conflict. You should care more.

@Stoufer You missed quite a lot really...

That's good advice.

If you're not married to a tosser.

If I'm ever on the market for a new partner, the following question will be used to weed out the duds:

You come down on a weekend morning and put the kettle on for a cuppa. What do you do next?

a) Give the kitchen surfaces a leisurely wipe.

b) Load/unload the dishwasher and potentially the washing-machine too. Potentially even get going with the hoover. The average kettle takes 2-4 minutes to boil and there's a lot that can be accomplished in that time.

c) Stare into space contemplating the state of the world/your arse.

d) N/A, since the wife servant brings me my tea in the morning.

From your posts, OP, I'm guessing you're a b) and your husband is a c) (hopefully not a d), but I presume you're well past the lovingly bringing him tea stage).

There's not really a lot you can do to change things. The hallmark of d)s is that they're loftily above such matters as children's mess and scrubbing things. That's for someone else to deal with. Not their problem. Even when they have 2-4 minutes spare and absolutely nothing else to do with it, they're still not going to get going with the jay cloth and surface cleaner.

I think again with the list … it isn’t really about the house at all, although the state of the place does get me down and means any downtime I might carve out vanishes.

Just ignore the SS poster, seriously 😂

I know I am exceptionally bad tempered and irritable today because I had such a bad night last night, can’t dare complain because I’ve had the day off today (ha!) and facing another exhausting night tonight.

Yeah, its the relentlessness of it all and the constant need to THINK about it. The only way a cleaner would solve this would be if you could afford a full time bloody housekeeper who would basically take on the mental and physical burden - clean out kids' bedrooms, deep clean regularly, restock the fridge, meal plan etc. My sister who has a very successful, very intense career is not shy about saying that when her children were young what saved her and her marriage was that the nanny didn't just look after the children - she shopped for their clothes, she meal planned, she did the online shopping (and unloaded the full shop, including what my sister had added), worked late at least once a week so that my sister had days she just didn't have to worry about departures from work or if her DH was actually going to make it back... etc etc. [And yes, she was paid very well and my sister still has excellent relationships with the nannies she's employed and one still works for them on a part time basis just to sort of smooth things on days both her and her DH are in the City.....]

Clearly that is not actually an ideal or practical solution in 99% of cases!

Yep, I’m definitely a b. And I can live with DH not being a b. It’s so hard to explain, I feel as if things are a bit out of control really.

@tiredsince2020 One practical solution I WILL suggest - don't do anything today (if you can face it!). make a cup of tea, sit down and watch a mindless movie!!! Give yourself permission to have a break!