DH and I are foul to one another

[tiredsince2020]

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but far from being the best version of myself around DH I become irritable, snappy, defensive, sarcastic and passive aggressive, and I feel he’s much the same to me.

We have a lot of pressures on us as a family. We have two very young children (young toddler and preschool stage), I work three days a week, DH is full time but because his job does take him away sometimes and is a long commute he isn’t around much during the week. I feel he isn’t very supportive. For example yesterday I took both children out of the house in the morning to a church event, when I came home the house was still a tip. I didn’t expect a deep clean or anything but just a quick tidy of toys would have been good. I feel all the house stuff falls on me and it’s impossible to keep on top of. As a result the state of the house is a factor in everyone’s stress levels. But no sooner is it immaculate and gleaming than it is trashed.

I don’t feel he’s very supportive with the children - he does love them, but he’s happy to leave the kind of day to day mechanics to me and if we ever disagree on something it often doesn’t get addressed properly, meaning it just kind of festers.

I am sure there’s things he isn’t happy about with me too. But it comes out in these horrible ways. I know people will say to talk it out but I am not sure how. Mostly it I try to talk to him about something serious it ends up being my fault somehow or he just dismisses it.

I know I’ve painted him in a bad light here and honestly I was ready to tell him I wanted to end the marriage yesterday, and that might still happen but I really, really don’t want it to. Not for me but the children.

No, not two choices

3. Buy the other one out
4. Sell up

Same situation here

I've quiet quit

I do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I can't control his behavior. But I can manage it.

And if you can’t afford the third choice and don’t want to sell up because it’s your source of income and you’ve put your heart and soul into it, then you have the one choice really. As much as people want to make this a simple decision it isn’t.

I can see how it looked like I was asking you for a reply; I wasn’t, it was more a rhetorical question.

I didn’t mean you, I am so so sorry, I meant … ah someone else!

Read the fucking thread. Or at least make the effort to read the OP’s posts 🙄

Can you work five days, instead of three?

Then he'd be forced to step up more?

Cos it sounds like he thinks because he works more, he does less in the house?

He wouldn’t though, it would just spread me even thinner.

It’s all good, I knew you didn’t. I just didn’t want you to think I was asking for the inner workings of your mind! 😁

Even if it 'gets better' in a couple of years, will you ever be able to let go of how you're feeling now? How miserable your life is? Honestly, I'd just leave now, before your resentment builds even more. He sounds awful, by the way, I think your resentment is more than justified!

Do you just want reassurance that you’d be reasonable to leave him?

You would be.

I don't think anyone is really suggesting that you contact a solicitor this afternoon, more that you start to shift your thinking away from 'this is it for the next 17 years' to 'I can get myself and my children out of this'.

There is generally good advice to be had around getting finances/paperwork etc sorted so that you're better prepared when the time comes.

Sounds a bit like myself and DH. We used to be the nicest people to each other and then things just took a turn. We also have two young kids & another on the way, and I end up feeling quite overwhelmed daily because the pressure feels 100% on me sometimes. We both work full time so there really isn't a reason why he can't also contribute to sorting the house out when I am not around. It's the little things that have just been building up over time and now it's awkward if we are too nice to each other. I love him also but I just don't think I respect him the same way anymore and maybe that's why we feel how we do. I am also trying to figure it out OP but just wanted to say you're not alone!

I hear that @Gifgaf . I’m sure I was a lovely person once and I still can be but not to DH and I don’t think he’s particularly pleasant to me either. It’s rubbish.

so we have a different dynamic, but I think, similar problem.

Both work FT but I travel a lot and have a lot of responsibility and he can swan off to play tennis x3 a week during the day etc

he does almost all the childcare

He doesn’t do this as well as I would expect- and maybe my standards are too high, but I mean things like not brushing hair for school, wearing mismatched/ inappropriate uniform, lunch being a sandwich and 4 sugary snacks. But he’s there doing it right? Not me.

I do all admin and all housework, put bins out etc. Neither of us do DIY

He wouldn’t discuss ways to improve this stuff- he’s not interested in talking about emotions. He doesn’t seem that concerned either.
I am just exhausted. My whole personality has become tied to being exhausted, so as a result I hate who I have become too.

We also couldn’t see a counsellor- as we have no one to look after them and I understand it’s not the done thing to have your kids there 🤨

we also bring out the worst in each other and are constantly running around bickering and shouting. Would a list of housework prioritisation help me with that? No. Would a divorce? Maybe, but I certainly ain’t calling a solicitor because strangers on MN told me to.

OP- if this helps at all, the catalyst for a lot of this was my non sleeping child. 5/6 years of exhaustion doesn’t funny things to you. We are still not over it.

I've been where you are OP and as you say, things do get easier as the kids get older but, at least in my case, something else comes up and despite my dc being late Primary age we are right back there at the minute - we have settled into a routine where dh is now taking on specific tasks and no longer refers to having done them 'for me' so day to day life is okay but it is precarious and it doesn't take much for resentment to build on both sides. And I don't think you can force someone to 'care' - you might get a better day to day balance but whilst my dh says he does care, actions speak louder than words and I find that hard to deal with. It's not how I ever expected a marriage to be so it is really quite sad but with every year that goes by I think I care a little less and look out for me a little more (behind the kids of course) and life plods on.

I don't think you would do that. I think that you would speak to your partner and try to find a solution, otherwise you would be pulling out of the partnership.
You would discuss a way to work together, to your strengths, and look for ways of delegating tasks to each other, and possibly taking on an admin assistant.

This is pretty much what most of us here are saying. (talk to him, take on a cleaner etc)

Now I think you are the CEO of TiredSince2020 Ltd and your DH is the lazy Chief of Sales, and he's stopping you from doing your best by not pulling his weight.

Delegate tasks to him and if he's still not pulling his weight, look into dissolving the partnership.

(As an aside, might it be that your standards and expectations are slightly too high? You have a baby and a preschooler, your house won't be immaculate.)

It’s not that you didn’t reply as I liked, but that if nothing works, you’re not happy, you can’t afford therapy and you don’t feel loved the best thing is to separate.

If you don’t want to divorce then I guess accept this is your life forever. But that feels like even more bleak advice.

Paying for six therapy sessions is still my best advice - but I understand that doesn’t work for you/isn’t a financial option.

or you can try and find like minded people having similar experiences and support each other through this tough time? 🤨

@LikeTalkingToLassie can we please avoid the ‘it’s your fault because you have too high standards’ line.
Seriously it’s getting tiring.
Its making everything the woman’s fault yet again. This time because she doesn’t lower herself down to the standard of her lazy partner.

Maybe. But he is working full time and travelling for work. That's knackering. he might see OP 'only' working 3 days a week and not understand why she can;t get on top of the house in those two spare days so they can all relax at weekends. It's so easy when you are absolutely shattered with young DC to haveno appreciation of what the other person's stresses are.

I'm not taking sides, and if I did or had to, it would be OP's side, every time. I remember feeling a raging jealousy at DH because he at least could think his own thoughts and read a bit of the paper while commuting on packed standing room only trains twice a day. He had no idea that seemed like a luxury from where I was standing. Likewise, he probably thought me spending hours every day out in parks and soft play was an easy life, not the gruelling, dreary, boring attempt to stay awake after yet another broken night's sleep, while trying to prevent one baby throwing up and the toddler melting down.

We're not rational or kind when we are suffering sleep deprivation. It's not a good time to judge a marriage. And I really doubt life would be easier if the OP became a single parent and went through a divorce. Ride out the worst years together, and try to find some good and some fun in raising a family together. If there is nothing left by the time they start school, maybe think again. But not while you have two pre-schoolers. Not unless there is abuse.

I haven’t read the whole thread, @tiredsince2020 , but I have read your posts. You sound so tired and so unhappy - and so lonely. I want to make you a cup of tea and let you vent.

I’m sorry if you’ve addressed this already and I haven’t noticed, but I’m honestly wondering why you’re with your husband? Being lonely in a relationship - feeling unseen and unnoticed - is so damaging. What’s keeping you in this relationship?

2 young children?!?

I honestly think some posters think you can pop out, tell a lovely understanding solicitor this and leave with the house and custody sorted.

The reality would be a long and messy future of shared custody, disagreements, Disney daddy and very bluntly not what I want for my own kids.

I don't think that anyone thinks separating is simple.

But, is THIS what you want for your kids? This life now?