DH and I are foul to one another

[tiredsince2020]

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but far from being the best version of myself around DH I become irritable, snappy, defensive, sarcastic and passive aggressive, and I feel he’s much the same to me.

We have a lot of pressures on us as a family. We have two very young children (young toddler and preschool stage), I work three days a week, DH is full time but because his job does take him away sometimes and is a long commute he isn’t around much during the week. I feel he isn’t very supportive. For example yesterday I took both children out of the house in the morning to a church event, when I came home the house was still a tip. I didn’t expect a deep clean or anything but just a quick tidy of toys would have been good. I feel all the house stuff falls on me and it’s impossible to keep on top of. As a result the state of the house is a factor in everyone’s stress levels. But no sooner is it immaculate and gleaming than it is trashed.

I don’t feel he’s very supportive with the children - he does love them, but he’s happy to leave the kind of day to day mechanics to me and if we ever disagree on something it often doesn’t get addressed properly, meaning it just kind of festers.

I am sure there’s things he isn’t happy about with me too. But it comes out in these horrible ways. I know people will say to talk it out but I am not sure how. Mostly it I try to talk to him about something serious it ends up being my fault somehow or he just dismisses it.

I know I’ve painted him in a bad light here and honestly I was ready to tell him I wanted to end the marriage yesterday, and that might still happen but I really, really don’t want it to. Not for me but the children.

Leaving aside households with domestic violence or abuse, Children are statistically worse off following divorce by any measure I can think of.

You can say they hate being in a house of arguments but that really doesn’t mean anything. They may not like it, but not as much as they may not like like not seeing both parents daily.

What I want for them is stability. If I thought that we’d all wake up over the rainbow if I left I might but we won’t. End of.

Besides, we don’t argue even, it’s snipes and passive aggressive digs mostly.

I have read your comments op but not the whole thread. I think the male partner not being pro-active in the house is really common. You resent him for not stepping in to support you and for you being landed with the job of household manager without discussion. The two small children create a classic crisis in a marriage and there isn't a parent of small children that hasn't resented the other parent for some reason. Can your relationship be saved? Possibly. You probably need to accept the role of household manager. You are not going to move from where you are now to your husband sharing the mental as well as physical labour of running a household. Talking generally about the situation isn't working for you. It isn't clear how your husband reacts to specific instructions. If you say 'I need to do this thing so I need you to pick the kids up from nursery today ' will he do it? You mention that you sometimes take a child each so he does do some childcare. I can see why others have suggested counselling because there is a lot to unpack. You can only change what you do, not what your husband does. If you want to hold onto your marriage then I suggest you take responsibility for your own mental and physical health by doing things that make you happier (choir, coffee with friends, facial, gym, whatever). Tell your husband why you need this time for yourself and make sure he can have the kids or organise a babysitter. Show you want to be in your marriage by going out together for an evening or at the very least sitting down and having a chat after the kids are in bed. Ask for help on each occasion you need it and accept your husband isn't going to demonstrate his love for you by spontaneously cleaning the toilet. Show appreciation for help given, not resentment. It isn't fair op but you can't change him only manage the situation as best you can. Hopefully things will get better and he may start to do certain jobs unasked. I feel like I'm advising you to be a trad wife but really I'm saying seek out your happiness within the reality of the situation. Ultimately it could be separation but maybe not.

Why would you not just ask him to do those things for you? Why would you need him to offer?? Just ask him to do it?

Honestly OP I think you're being obtuse, you're snappy with him and passive aggressive and grumpy and you won't ever ask him to do things for you or discuss divvying up the chores more evenly.. you just want him to admit that he doesn't help you enough.. but what does that conversation achieve? Nothing, you're obviously not making each other happy but instead of communicating with him or try to reach a compromise you just want to whinge and moan about it all, classic martyr to be honest.

Taking it all out on your eldest child is a step too far in my book though, being snappy and short tempered with him and dreading picking him up from nursery because you don't want to spend time with him because you are unhappy in life, yet want to continue being like this for another 13-14 years until they are 'old enough' for you two to divorce is pretty horrifying.

@ComingBackHome , I could, but maybe they are. Most people with two children under school age have homes that aren't immaculate (apart from my NDN, but that soon changed when babies 3 and then 4 turned up).

When a couple has a baby, most of the care falls to the mother initially, and she becomes Mum, and he expects her to do everything because she is at home. She goes back to work, often part-time (which he sees as Not a Proper Job, despite it often being full-time work on part-time pay), she is expected to do everything on her 'days off' and work days, cos that's what his idea of 'what Mums do'. 'It comes naturally to women' etc.

I think OP's best strategy is to go back to work full-time and delegate jobs to the children's father, because he's not going to see the work otherwise.

It has usually started before the children come along but it's not so easy to spot when the cleaning and tidying is for two adults. Add all the extra child-rearing and other child-related stuff and it shows.

@tiredsince2020 , He would probably delegate the parenting to the nearest woman, and your poor DC would soon have half-siblings or step-siblings, or both.

Communicating is your best bet, and you need to do it somewhere neutral, without the DC. Something like on a walk at an attraction or park, not facing each other at the kitchen table or at a cafe.

You can turn it around, but you can only change you. I'm not saying you need to change but you can change how you deal with him.

As someone who is not the sharpest tool in the box, I hate it when someone waits until I've done/not done something and then points it out.

(example: 'Would you like a coffee, Lass, I'm getting one for me and Tom?', 'Sure, that would be lovely, Sue, Thanks' ... followed later by 'You should have gone and got them because I was busy flirting chatting with Tom. You really were selfish'. WTF, why not just ask me to get them?)

Oh OP. I really sympathise with you. Ignore all the posters offering helpful ways to split the chores - they’re missing the point. You want your husband to actually think about your needs, to be a proactive participant in family life, for you to feel cared for.

This was (is) me. It did not end well - my DH got worse and worse and more entitled and checked out and really actually quite nasty to me. And then I ended up having an affair of sorts (no sex but lots of talking and some kissing). I met someone at work who was just a darling. My DH found out very quickly and so that affair ended and it shocked him into actually contemplating the fact that I am a human being and not just an appliance put there to do things for him and bolster his public image. We’re a couple of years on from that and tbh I am not sure that it’s going to work - I am now even more resentful that it took him losing his cushy set up to make change (and not that much change really either).

Don’t be me. Don’t underestimate how exhausting and soul destroying it is to live like that for years. I also thought I could wait it out until the kids were older. Until it all exploded and it turned out I couldn’t.

finally - if you are on Substack go and read Zawn’s Liberating Motherhood Substack. Read it and get angry about what is being done to you right now. And think carefully about what to do next.

good luck x

I think there’s almost an inevitably an affair bound to happen if the time and resources aren’t wheedled from somewhere to try and save you as a couple OP. I totally get the cost etc is wild and time is tight but can you treat it as a broken tooth? An essential that needs attention?
realistically it’s at a weak spot and would probably only take some kindness, compliments, a cup of tea and warm hug away from shagging a co worker.

another thing, and I’m really really not trying to hurt you, but the atmosphere isn’t one your children will look forward to visiting when they’re on break from university or have children of their own. I spent years avoiding my own mum because of the tense atmospheres and snippy moods, she’s since died and ill never get that time back.

Just because marriages go through really rough periods doesn't mean they are flawed. OP and her partner need to be more gentle and forgiving with each other, find fun and joy in raising a family together and organise their time so they each get a proper break every week. Way better use of time than questioning if it was all a mistake.