Children coming out of the woodwork !

[ohh]

I met my husband of 20 years when he was 47 and he had only 1 child of 2 from a previous relationship which we gave unconditional love to and supported his mother. He is 70 now and just found out that he has 3 other children that he did not know about who were born in the 1970’s so adults now . 3 different mothers. Now all 3 trying to find out father - unknown why not told who their dad was . He is rather shocked and I’m a bit non plussed. My initial reaction was I hope our children (including the first he knew and grew up with us) are not affected as they are all under 23 as I am younger. Then I was like are you going to get to know them ? He doesn’t know what to do.

Never mind what happened in the past, bar the fact he didn't know about these pregnancies AND he treated you and your kids wonderfully.
He was in his early 20s and shagging around, while also thinking women who did that were of dubious morals. So pretty typical male if you ask me!

What matters is now: How you treat the new brothers and sisters to your kids. How they're impacted - the older 'kids' and the younger- it can be a special form of torture for people to wander around their whole lives not knowing who one of their parents was. What your husband wants - it might feel too weird to ever feel fatherly or indeed he may feel a surge of love. It could be a wonderful new strand to the whole family.

ps. anyway saying 'why didn't the mums track him down' are definitely talking from a perspective of modern ability to search for people. You had to know people's full names and addresses and know they were in the same house to even begin start looking in phone directories. I easily lost track of people I went to school with

Tracing up is easier than tracing down or across in my experience. The ancestry tools allow you to go backwards much easier.

If you have a match who has a tree you can find the common link and then trace back down to them from their tree using their paper trail.

The problem comes with people who are still alive - they are automatically set to private if there is no death date and they are born in the last 100 years.

So even if an sibling or a cousin posted a tree with their uncle/brother (the OPs husband) on, you'd still be unable to see them.

You'd then have to use the search tools to find siblings. Which can be done but isn't necessarily that easy. The ancestry search tools can be clumsy to say the least.

Most people who do a DNA test only use the month's free trial and a great number down post a linked family tree to their DNA profile. Even if they do they often are set to private, or only have very limited information (or no information) about dates and locations.

This means that you actually have to get lucky with the match you get OR make contact with the match and hope that they reply and give your further details about living people. Thats why I think there's likely been contact first.

The only other decent explaination is the three siblings have been in contact and compared their mother's accounts and names - but this might not mean its easy to actually find the father's location unless they have a more unusual name.

Are you in the States, OP? Lots of itinerant people there. I’d imagine in the UK people would have moved around a bit less. It doesn’t sound a very appealing lifestyle. Maybe some think it’s all rock and roll but the collateral damage is these kids.

He sounds like he has a dodgy past but I am sure you're aware of some of that already.

Was he ever a lorry driver?

I imagine the reason he has not been involved is because they didn't have his details to contact him? And they are only making the connection now because of something like 23andme?

I personally would keep an open mind. Is he a good dad? Do you think he can add value to their lives? If so then I would be open and see what happens with the relationships, and also from your point of view, investigate how they all came to be and why he has not been involved to date.

The women were of “dubious morals”??!!! His morals don’t sound too good either.

Given that I did it it isn't beyond the bounds of possibility that my other two unknown siblings do it too though is it?

Yes, my birth father doesn't appear in any family tree because he is alive. I found him ( and the other possibility) by tracing his birth. You don't need the person to be in a tree on the site.

I was lucky because people in my DNA matches didn't have a gazillion children. But my point is that my unknown siblings could easily do the same as me. It would be much easier for them now actually as my birth fathers cousin has a tree on there, they wouldn't have the choice of two people I had.

Nope.

No man manages to have 3 kids by 3 different women without knowing about it.

He is playing you.

Well I think he owes them a meeting. Even in the 70s men knew if they had unprotected sex a child could result and he's as accountable for his irresponsibility as a younger man would be. Whether that goes on to become a relationship that will impact you and his other children would remain to be seen. I would be surprised if three middle aged people wanted a father figure having managed without so long, so it may be a one off contact to satisfy curiosity, or perhaps even to give him some home truths, dependent on the circumstances of their conception. If it were me I'd be telling my children, as I think they've a right to know. However I'd probably wait until I had more information to tell about their siblings expectations and father's intentions.

As one of the children or as the wife I’d want to know if they were one night stands or actual relationships and the ages of the girls/mums at the time. That would tell me all I needed to know about his past.

You should read it carefully. My focus was on the 3 women and what it takes for either A) 3 different women to not tell him they are pregnant or B) For him to walk away from 3 pregnant women knowing they are pregnant.

OP stated that he was there for the child you mention, and also supported that child’s mother. He’s also stayed with OP and built a life with her for all these years, so I’m not sure what your issue is with those scenarios? They weren’t really my focus. I’ve no idea what OP meant by “one of two children” regarding the mother he supported, as she didn’t elaborate

Oh come on. Plenty of people were sleeping around at the time the OP is talking about. No means of keeping in contact, the father not named on the birth certificate when the mother is unmarried, no CSA to go chasing after fathers for child support, and the children often adopted.

I hate to say it but the MC gang I knew of would put the women on "the block" and all the guys would take turns, this got them (the women) into the gang.

This was explained to me by a woman i went to school with that associated with MC gangs back late 80s.

I'm going to give up on this one I'm afraid...finding it very hard to read and understand....

True winter darkness, but he didn’t care enough to use condoms

This with bells on

Are they finding him through the DNA/ancestry websites? Might explain how the three ‘kids’ have found each other then found him.

1970 adoptee here. My birth father had no idea. It's good there are posters on this thread with some memory of life in the 1960s and 70s.

The context the OP supplied about her DH is a bit grim but there was an earlier comment about how 'three women chose not to tell him' suggesting this spoke to his character.

We don't know if these children were kept or adopted out but these women may not have told him because what if he felt obliged to marry them - 'had to get married' etc - and they just didn't want to. Not because he's a monster but because they just wanted to move on from a mistake. What if he was like, cool, yeah let's try this? We have no idea.

This was the case for my BM - I know it sounds awful but I was born 3 years before Roe v Wade. My mother did not have a choice and the last thing she needed was a man with a 'view' on what she should do.

To misquote Lady Bracknell:
To gain one child, Mr.Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to gain two looks like carelessness. To gain three sounds like you are lying about your past.

And to the OP @ohh They may just want 'closure' now. Or they may have no idea what they want, they just acted on following through to find him. I didn't have an 'end game' and maybe I should have. I am not in touch with my birth father now.

They may say hi and walk away, for all sorts of reasons. It's an emotionally exhausting process for all parties. I think you are right to prepare your teens emotionally for this. Unfortunately, advice has to be very specific because the situation is highly unpredictable.

Lots of podcasts online about it, PM me if you want some recs.

I’m thinking the same re dna and slowly welcome them in. A bit of a back story to my questions as the family was large with 5 brothers as well as 6 sisters, so might not be my husband! All children born within 2 years of each other , by 1 woman ! Yikes. All had rocker long hair and looked similar-thankfully out of that stage when I met him!!

If this is the result of a DNA test then it will be 100% it's your husband or not.

If they've been digging around and it's the result of paper research only, yes they may have the wrong brother.

To settle it -you might need DNA.

A DNA match can tell the difference between a father and an uncle. Also, if all three children are to the same mother, it is almost impossible to believe that he didn't know about, at least, the first two.

He has always been a big believer in family so I think he is shocked. We discussed how well I easily carried babies and would have had more if younger (max4 for me!) so don’t think he has known before.

This is a bit confusing. How do you know about these other children? Is it through one of those genealogy test? If so, what percentage of shared DNA does it say there is?