Children coming out of the woodwork !

[ohh]

I met my husband of 20 years when he was 47 and he had only 1 child of 2 from a previous relationship which we gave unconditional love to and supported his mother. He is 70 now and just found out that he has 3 other children that he did not know about who were born in the 1970’s so adults now . 3 different mothers. Now all 3 trying to find out father - unknown why not told who their dad was . He is rather shocked and I’m a bit non plussed. My initial reaction was I hope our children (including the first he knew and grew up with us) are not affected as they are all under 23 as I am younger. Then I was like are you going to get to know them ? He doesn’t know what to do.

This.

The chances are there is a DNA test involved somewhere.

As I say upthread people in the UK usually do them for one of two reasons: cos they are really into their family history or because there's a mystery they want to clear up. We still don't tend to do them purely 'for fun' which is more common elsewhere.

If the husband has done the DNA test he has done it because he knows there's likely children out there. But it doesn't have to be him. It should from the OPs comments that it probably isn't but it should not be immediately discounted as an option.

A match with one of his siblings, a niece or nephew or a known child would make it very easy to find him. Or even a first cousin if he's the only possible male member of the family who is the right age.

The concern here would be that the 2 year old, now 22 year old, possibly has a reason to do a DNA test. If his mother suspects that the OPs DH did a lot of shagging about she may have told them and this would give them a fairly decent reason to take a test; to see if there are more siblings. I would wonder if this was the most likely option.

The other thing that sticks in my head is he was aware of this last one but did abandon the mother in someway when the child was very young. Who is to say he hadn't done the same before and is aware of the existence of these other children.

The difference in that scenario is the OP herself. She knew he had a child when he met her. If he decided she was absolutely the one, then he may have realised that dumping the child this time wasn't a good look if he wanted to keep the OP...

When it happened to our family it was due to opening up a family history DNA account!

We also found a brand new 1st cousin. But nobody is alive to answer those questions…

"...shagging a 28yr old girl"

I'm sorry but does the 28 yr old woman who is the OP not have any agency herself?

Oh, and btw, he was 47.

"...and getting her pregnant, too!"

It appears that they were married before she was pregnant (not that it matters). But what exactly is wrong with a married couple having children?

"The sad part, is he's 70 years old with teenagers."

Why do you say that? Do you think that a 70 year old man cannot be a good father? In any event it sounds as though the youngest are only just still teenagers, I would assume they were around 18 or 19.

You sound very judgmental indeed.

We still don't tend to do them purely 'for fun' which is more common elsewhere.

I know quite a few people (younger than 40 - in case this is relevant) who did it for fun because they enjoyed knowing what % they were from various countries. I think it’s becoming a bit of a hobby in some areas.

It also became a trend for students at University to do a 23andMe test because they enjoyed knowing their DNA traits. I remember the craze as a few students held “DNA Trait Reveal” parties in 2022. It was quite weird

The joys of working with a University 😂

As usual RTB has it. Of course it is the 22yo ! their mother may know more than she let on to OP and has shared this with her adult child.

This. One maybe, but all 3 decided to never tell him, never ask for a penny or any help or support what so ever?

I also did a dna test at 50+ because I hoped I was secretly a Viking or something interesting for fun (I wasn’t!) but I’d have done it sooner if I’d had any doubts about my parentage or their past. So maybe the pp who said the 22yo took a test is onto something.

Total massive coincidence

I fully expect it to tip into fun. And yes all your mates doing it would drive that. I think there's a threshold point of interest which the UK is close to but hasn't really crossed just yet. I think a lot of people will get them for Christmas in the next couple of years...

He was 47 to her 28 now he is 70 ( so 23 years ago) the DC are teens it sounds like OP didn't get pregnant right away.

In terms of abandoning the then 2yr old ( born 1998 so actually 26 now) it wasn't so easy in the late '90s people were starting to have emails and mobile phones also I think the Blair government had introduced the CSA by then.

It doesn't necessarily speak to his better nature, just different times......

"But if he hasn’t done an ancestry test then I think that you need to talk to your kids asap because it’s highly likely that they already know. And that contact has come from one of them doing one."

I agree, I think this is the most likely scenario. Either that or if he has any siblings who have recently done a DNA test. In that case they will show up as being the aunt/uncle of the children and it is a simple matter to then find the father.

Google tells me 1993
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_Support_Agency#:~:text=Launched%20on%205%20April%201993,Child%20Maintenance%20Service%20(CMS).

I don't believe it. Literally.

Which is true of about 50% of threads on here these days.

He may have been a good partner to you OP but he is still a lowlife.
3 pregnancies? No way all of them were ONS with strangers he never met again, and who all happened to be incredibly fertile. This is BS, you can be sure he must have been aware and refused to care at the time. Or he had a truly depraved sex life.
But his comment about them « throwing themselves at him », it’s the most disgusting, he’s still not taking responsibility and that is the man he is TODAY after 20y of playing happy family with you with plenty of time to reflect and wise up.
Still not worth much.

Sounds like they have done like a heritage DNA, found each other and now want to find out who their father is, probably nothing more sinister and I believe he probably didn't know they existed.

If he wants to meet them then i would meet them away from the house, just you and him - find out if they are wanting a relationship or if they are just wanting to see what he is. Then you will have all the information to go back with and tell your children.

My XH was a biker, significantly older than me. I've been to all the bike rally's and seen the way young lasses throw themselves at them, and it was much cooler back in the 70's, days of free love and all that.

A young man in the 70s was promiscuous.

MN: Overlook a decades long happy marriage with well loved and cared for children and LTB.

Sounds as if there was a gang bang and the mothers didn’t actually know who it was that got them pregnant.

Given the sheer number of people who do DNA tests and find unexpected relatives I don't think it's as unlikely as that.

My father found one. My MIL has two. My mum has found a cousin she had no idea about in the last couple of weeks - she was illegitimate and is trying to find out about her father's family but we've been able to help her with her mother's which she didn't know much about anyway.

My FIL is the only one so far who hasn't had an unexpected close DNA match. And his father was the product of his grandmother ending up with a close family relation to her husband - we know the scandal there! The husband ran off with some else at a similar time. He stayed with this woman and had a number of children - they were completely unaware their parents were unmarried and of the existence of their father's wife and previous three children - we have enough documentary evidence for the story without a DNA test. I've not made contact with all the families of the siblings so it's highly possible one will pop up in the future and they will be shocked by it.

I think about 1 in 10 people are thought to have a parent who actually isn't their biological parent.

It's a much more common thing to find out a family secret than people realise - and tbh it's precisely why doing a test 'for fun' shouldn't be taken as lightly as it is.

What a cad.

This. One maybe, but all 3 decided to never tell him, never ask for a penny or any help or support what so ever?

You're missing the context of it being 50 years ago and in a biker gang setting.

Unless the girls /women were local or part of the gang ,there would be no way of finding him. That's assuming they only slept with him and that they had a choice over keeping their babies.

Contact details back then would've been full name, home address, landline number. Not many people exchanged those for one night stands. They still don't.

I love the pearl clutching on mn sometimes. Biker gangs were and still are notorious shaggers. It’s part of the culture , and no generally nobody in these gangs gave a shit about protection back in the 60s/70s, that was considered the woman’s problem . Women were treated as objects and often property until they were considered done with (yes that’s abhorrent even back then but they’re a culture unto themselves). That’s not exclusive to bikers but back then it’s just how it was. Things have slowly improved for some but many join these gangs for that exact lifestyle.

It’s not surprising a biker has multiple kids he either abandoned or wasn’t aware of. They weren’t always the nicest of people and if they’re like the gangs I know of they didn’t care that they did bad things - getting someone pregnant probably wasn’t the worst thing he did if he was truly in a biker gang and not just a bunch of bank managers going for a Sunday run on their Harley’s.

It's practical not unpleasant. Wouldn't be fair if OP died, her DH got everything of hers then 3 alleged children (and without DNA testing they are only alleged) inherited an equal % from their estranged Dad leaving next to nothing for OP's children.

Wils need to be watertight, it's sensible.

He was clearly a dick back then. I do believe people can change, though. What do you mean you are worried your children will be affected? How would they be affected? Do you mean financially?

A friend’s Dad had a secret child and she turned up his funeral and caused a scene, wanting money. She was very cold and nasty about it because he had completely rejected her so she had no feelings for him whatsoever. So that kind of thing can happen.

"I think about 1 in 10 people are thought to have a parent who actually isn't their biological parent."

It may not be as high as that, but it certainly exists.

Going really off-topic here, but there was a study done in 2022 that surveyed 23,000 people who used the DNA services of one of the big websites and they found that around 3% of the participants discovered an unexpected biological parent.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean that the father was unaware, just that the adult child who took the DNA test was unaware. Also, in a very small number of cases it turned out that they had been adopted or were donor-conceived and never told of this.

This may be the sort of "real" upper limit for this as those fathers suspicious about their paternity may be more inclined to check it out which gives rise to higher figures in other studies

Link to the 2022 study in American Journal of Human Genetics:

"Family secrets: Experiences and outcomes of participating in direct-to-consumer genetic relative-finder services"

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002929722000131
.

"...it's precisely why doing a test 'for fun' shouldn't be taken as lightly as it is."

This I totally agree with

I'd assume a DNA test uploaded to Ancestry has linked them as half-siblings and they have tracked him through that.