Children coming out of the woodwork !

[ohh]

I met my husband of 20 years when he was 47 and he had only 1 child of 2 from a previous relationship which we gave unconditional love to and supported his mother. He is 70 now and just found out that he has 3 other children that he did not know about who were born in the 1970’s so adults now . 3 different mothers. Now all 3 trying to find out father - unknown why not told who their dad was . He is rather shocked and I’m a bit non plussed. My initial reaction was I hope our children (including the first he knew and grew up with us) are not affected as they are all under 23 as I am younger. Then I was like are you going to get to know them ? He doesn’t know what to do.

I was a teenager in the 70s in a working class community, in my experience if you got pregnant you got married, descents lads did the decent thing. So yes some men were very careful. I never knew anyone to be let down, obviously some pregnancies were not made known, However only scumbags did what you husband did, remember there was not even mat leave.

So you know the person he was. Is he ashamed? I would see him in a totally new light and lose a lot of respect for him.

Disapproved but did it anyway. He got at LEAST three pregnant, imagine how many more he had unprotected sex with.

I'm not saying you should care about his sexual past, but his blatant misrepresentation.

Of course he should get to know them, and ask for DNA for everyone's sake

Personally I think the 1 in 10 number is an over estimate. But I do think it's higher than people think.

It has surprised me just how many unexpected close matches mine and DHs family have come up with. So far. That's the other thing - you don't know what will pop up in the future either.

And there will be people with particular backgrounds and lifestyles who are far more likely to find out an unexpected secret. So rates will be higher in certain groups. If you marry someone who is older, already has a 2 year old and was in a biker gang, your odds of it 'all coming out the woodwork' are going to be much higher unfortunately. Back when the OP got together with her husband she may not have foreseen DNA tests, but she would have been well aware that he wasn't exactly good with condoms... I don't think after 20 years of knowing his history she can be too surprised.

It will affect her understanding of him though, because she's been made to confront a part of him which isn't nice. You can't dress that up. And the comments he is making NOW about those women aren't good. They ARE reflective of him and not the era.

She has a choice to make - decide to support him in blaming the women and villifying the motivations of these kids. Or to encourage him to reflect the current era and what we now expect of people. This doesn't mean trying to win Dad of the year but does mean acknowledging and making some sort of effort.

She needs to be aware that her children come from the current era and think in those terms.

It ultimately does reflect on her too for that reason.

Sounds as though he is trying to spin himself as a nice guy back then. My guess is that the girls were very young.

Brace yourself for the next trio who get in touch in 2025.
Then let’s see what 2026 holds…

Sounds as though he is trying to spin himself as a nice guy back then. My guess is that the girls were very young.

He would've been 15 in '69 and 21 in '75 and anywhere in between in the late '60s , early 70's period. So quite young himself for at least half of that period.

😂😂I did actually laugh out loud at this

Three children from three different women, who all coincidentally have managed to find him and shock the life out of him simultaneously? How very odd.

Something about this doesn't ring true. Apart from anything else, if was trying and failing to fight off all these biker groupies who were clamouring to impregnate themselves with is seed, then it's highly unlikely that word didn't get back to him about any of them. The point about any social group/gang/clique is that they all know the same people.

It was the 1970s! People's approach to sex was different and the thought of safe sex had not crossed many people's mind yet, I was born in 1970 and I remember when AIDS started getting serious and suddenly we HAD to use condoms. People were more lax about it before AIDS. Even for a while, the fake news was that Aids only affected gay men.

How could he have married any of the girls if they kept the pregnancy secret? It would be interesting to hear the girls story, if they are still alive

He needs to meet them and do a DNA test before telling anyone else.

I would then be very open and honest with all of the other kids.
They might want a relationship with them or not, it’s their choice.

It will be nice for him and them to have a relationship and I’m sure they have a lot of questions about his life that they’d love to know.

He could have known about them and lied to you or he could be completely innocent.

I wouldn’t stress over it though, what’s done is done and what’s important now is how he deals with it moving forward.

I actually thought for a minute that you are my birth dads wife! I'm in this situation- I'm 58 and just found him via Ancestry.

He doesn't want anything to do with me which I totally understand. He had 3 girls pregnant within 6 months, he was 18/19. He changed his name many years ago to ( presumably) stop any of the 3 finding him.

I don't think he's 'grim' at all. It was the 1960's, different times. Hard to get contraception, values were different, the whole world was different.

You have to try to get your children to see what happened through his lens at the time. It's not the same as now and they can't judge him from a modern perspective. Men just weren't involved in unplanned pregnancies. Women were sent to awful Mother and Baby home and men walked away. It wasn't right but it was the way it was. I was lied to about being adopted but that was common too.

Letter To Louise by Pauline Collins describes the situation perfectly. Maybe give it to them to read.

People querying 3 adult children appearing all at once. Pp have suggested they had probably found each other first, and decided to track down their Dad.

People querying why he didn’t know about the pregnancies. Pp have pointed out that if he was in a biker gang, travelling miles away from his local community, there would have been no idea of either party keeping in touch if there had been anonymous one night (or day) stands involving unprotected sex.

Yep, agree that what's done is done - although how on earth did he not know that THREE women were pregnant with his children? Did he move to a different country? That part does stretch credulity tbh, he MUST have had some knowledge of some of this. As someone else has said - biker gangs tend to move in very small circles.

But hey, three new additions to the family, that could be fun. It really is up to your husband how he takes it from here, but I think he's got a responsibility to get to know these three children.

To those asking how come nobody tracked him down before… I would imagine none of the women/girls he slept with got his number or perhaps even his real name.

If I were the OP the worst thing about this would be what it shows about DH’s attitude towards women. Then and now.

OP what does your husband intend to do? To make up to his newly revealed kids for never being in their lives? To find out if there are more? To ensure as far as possible that there isn’t a negative effect on your joint children and step child? To apologise and teach his kids that the way he behaved back then is unacceptable? This is his mess to sort out yet he sounds very passive??

People saying he or the younger children must have done a DNA test are wrong.

On Ancestry you can use DNA matches to build a family tree. That's how foundlings can now trace their birth parents. It's a lot of hard work but doable if you want to trace someone.

I found my birth father eventually because his cousin did a DNA test. My birth father had not done one and neither have his children he has with his wife.

I said this. But I still think the son is the most likely option. He has a compelling reason to have done a test.

Being able to work out who a father is from more distant relationships isn't always as easy as the DNA shows make out, when you have nothing to work from.

It can be done - but most people who have no idea how to compare DNA matches and construct a family tree won't have the knowledge and ability to do this.

It would actually be totally fair.

My initial point was that these children that have come forward probably couldn’t care less about money.

Well, this is also my situation. Don't know who my dad is but he also had 2 other women pregnant at the same time as my mum was.

If all 3 children do an ancestry test its easy to find a birth father, even if he hasn't done a test.

I know a family who have had several previously unknown children pop up because of 23andme and other such websites. It only takes an unconnected family member to do the test and a lot of skeletons fall out of the cupboard.
The saddest I heard about was an elderly unmarried man with no children who had just died when his unknown adopted adult child popped up because his nephew did the test. He would have loved that child in later years who had been adopted.
Remember of course that a woman bore the brunt of all this, whether the baby remained with them or not. It’s very sad.

Well, I did it. I used DNA matches to create a 'family' tree. I only had DNA matches, but once you find one common ancestor to the matches ( mine was a woman born in 1850) you can trace through. I'm not an expert, I looked up now to do it. I wasn't because I'd watched a TV programme. I actually read an autobiography of a founding in America describing how he found his mother

I thought that my post was clear but obviously not or you wouldn't be telling me it's so difficult.

I got down to two possible men it could be. Then the cousin of one of them contacted me as she had done a test and was matched with me.

At the results actually accurate?

i was a small child in the 70s. My memory is that society was much more concerned with correct behaviour and casual sex was not approved of. No doubt it did happen - it always has! I know of couple who “had” to marry in the 60s because of pregnancies and the shame attached if unwed. Those pregnancies are now my friends and relatives - the dads stuck around. So I can’t imagine this was in any way easy for the mums. Is he really such an Adonis that girls were throwing themselves at him? Or was something else going on?

Those were people in some sort of relationship I would think. One night stands probably didn't know each other at all so the societal pressure wasn't there. Or the girl was so ashamed she didn't reveal the dad's name. Or didn't want to marry someone she'd met once.

Maybe he was good looking. It's not really that unusual to be a good looking guy that lots of women fancy is it?

I can’t imagine a greasy unwashed biker is really so attractive! Not my type. I’m not the type to throw myself at people either. So hard to comprehend.

This must be upsetting and unsettling for you OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.