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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father is refusing to return our son

233 replies

Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:29

Hello everyone,

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. On Friday, my son went to a holiday club at school. He took a while to come back home and I couldn't get through to him on the phone. I called the school receptionist who told me that DS left a while ago as his father picked him up and said he will return him. I immediately called DS's father who refused to pick up his phone- when he finally did. He answered and said that DS is staying with him and he will not return him to me. Since then, he has refused to let me speak with DS, has refuse to tell me when he will be bringing back DS. I went out with a friend tonight as my head was in a mess and when the father called me, he sounded angry that I went out with a friend and proclaimed that DS no longer wanted to go back home.

Before anyone asks, I have contacted the police who were very sympathetic but told me that there was nothing they can do (as he has PR), same thing with social services. I just don't know what to do from here on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 23:57

Yes, I hated the way I went about it. It was so wrong. He told me to meet him at a destination to collect our son. I asked him whether he would be bringing DS with him. He said "no" that he wanted to meet me first. That meant only one thing. He was expecting me to come to his house to have sex and had no intention of bringing DS. Whilst on my way there, I remembered that DS's father sent me a snapshot of receipt a while ago that he wanted me to pay and I remembering thinking that the address on the receipt looked odd. I thought, well it's in the same area where DS's dad wanted me to meet. Maybe this is where the dad lives.

So when I got to the destination. I lied to DS's dad and told me to meet him at such at such place (but within the area). I then located the address and called DS's dad to make sure that he was well away. So I took my chance. I knocked on the door, but as I did, I noticed the door was slightly ajar.?! I then went in slightly and looked up and looked and behold, I saw DS at the top of the stairs case. We left the place and I called a taxi back to our home.

I feel so bad. I hate that I had to do it. I hate that DS is subjected to it. I was even considering taking DS back. But he is here and safe. But this can't continue any longer and I will be taking the case to court.

OP posts:
User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 01:14

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 23:57

Yes, I hated the way I went about it. It was so wrong. He told me to meet him at a destination to collect our son. I asked him whether he would be bringing DS with him. He said "no" that he wanted to meet me first. That meant only one thing. He was expecting me to come to his house to have sex and had no intention of bringing DS. Whilst on my way there, I remembered that DS's father sent me a snapshot of receipt a while ago that he wanted me to pay and I remembering thinking that the address on the receipt looked odd. I thought, well it's in the same area where DS's dad wanted me to meet. Maybe this is where the dad lives.

So when I got to the destination. I lied to DS's dad and told me to meet him at such at such place (but within the area). I then located the address and called DS's dad to make sure that he was well away. So I took my chance. I knocked on the door, but as I did, I noticed the door was slightly ajar.?! I then went in slightly and looked up and looked and behold, I saw DS at the top of the stairs case. We left the place and I called a taxi back to our home.

I feel so bad. I hate that I had to do it. I hate that DS is subjected to it. I was even considering taking DS back. But he is here and safe. But this can't continue any longer and I will be taking the case to court.

Bloody hell, well done!! That was some seriously clever detective work you did there. Mummy to the rescue. You should stop feeling guilty and be bloody proud of yourself! I bet your DS is glad you did it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2024 02:22

Well done. You did an amazing and brave thing. Just logistically, if your ds has taken his phone back with you, can you check to see if your ex has put any kind of tracker on the phone or in amongst his clothes etc?

Codlingmoths · 28/10/2024 02:41

How you went about it is brilliant. I’m so glad you have him back and hope this thread has helped with how to stop his dad taking him again. I hope the courts understand the sexual coercion angle. His dad sounds like he belongs in prison.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/10/2024 05:37

Block him on everything now.

Tell the police you have him back. Don't let him go to the dads again. Tell the school he's not allowed to pick him up.

You don't have to take him to court now, let him bear the costs of doing it.

Well done you FlowersFlowersFlowers

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 28/10/2024 06:19

@Gownsandteas You do need to take legal steps to stop this from happening again.

Well done or getting your DS back safely, but I am betting your ex will be very angry.

I need to ask; do you pay for a lot of your ex's stuff, or was the receipt a one-off? Did he come back into his DS's life so he could get a 2 bdrm home, or did he really miss him? The ex sounds sociopathic to me, so not sure if he has much emotion for anyone except for what he can get, so please stay aware of your surroundings.

MissHavershamReturns · 28/10/2024 08:03

Please ignore those telling you not to go to court or seek legal advice. Please speak to a solicitor today. You need to get everything in place to prevent this happening again

MissHavershamReturns · 28/10/2024 08:05

If he has PR school may well say they need a court order to prevent dad collecting him, as they can’t refuse to let a parent with PR collect. This is why you still need legal advice and their advice to get the right court orders in place.

MissHavershamReturns · 28/10/2024 08:12

“If a parent with parental responsibility arrives to collect a child, a school cannot refuse to allow the child into their care unless it has grave concerns about the child’s welfare based on the behaviour or the school’s knowledge of the parent, or has sight of a court order confirming that parent is not allowed to collect the child.”

www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/education-law/343-education-features/38972-when-court-and-classroom-meet

MissHavershamReturns · 28/10/2024 08:12

Hopefully the school would have “grave concerns” here, because OP will tell them about the previous situation, but much better to have a court order.

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 08:25

MissHavershamReturns · 28/10/2024 08:12

Hopefully the school would have “grave concerns” here, because OP will tell them about the previous situation, but much better to have a court order.

Grave concerns in this scenario would mean the parent turns up drunk or high or is being aggressive in their behaviour or making threats. They can't refuse to release a child because they are worried in general terms about the child's welfare. That's not the school's decision to make.

ConfusedNoMore · 28/10/2024 08:27

Well done @Gownsandteas . How is your boy?

I hope you can get some support with the court application. You must do it but it's hard going. There's a section about domestic abuse if I remember correctly. Put it down about the sexual coercion. And all the threats. And make sure you up your security on your house if you are at all concerned.

teenmaw · 28/10/2024 08:32

OP coercive control is now a crime, you should report him for using your son as a weapon to get sex, it's abhorrent!

Craftycariad · 28/10/2024 08:36

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/10/2024 01:11

Some of its not tbf.

More men than women are successful in their family court applications, domestic abuse is often ignored and CAFCASS care more about father's rights than children's welfare.

Show quote history

It is nonsense , men are now having a better response from courts after many decades of he woman always being the only option. The courts do what is right for the child not the parent

CheekySwan · 28/10/2024 08:40

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:13

My son is 14. My son resides with me full time, since birth. He has never lived with his father before. He was in and out of his life. He was abusive to me and this made him stay away from DS (due to many police convictions). A year ago or two he started asking to see DS but I told him that I preferred supervised due to his unpredictable behaviour (for example like this situation) and him threatening me that if he sees me with another man he would kill me.

Can you not contact SS or local safeguarding team and tell them there is risk to life as he is abusive and has a criminal background - surely they need to at least send someone out to make sure your son is OK, especially if you have had no contact with him. Does your DS have his own phone or social accounts you can contact him through to make sure he is OK?

TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 28/10/2024 08:45

Thank goodness you have your boy back? How is he? He must be hugely stressed by the whole situation.

Let the school know as soon as you can but know that they can’t stop the father from taking him. I’d be inclined to collect early. Good luck with the courts.

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 08:46

CheekySwan · 28/10/2024 08:40

Can you not contact SS or local safeguarding team and tell them there is risk to life as he is abusive and has a criminal background - surely they need to at least send someone out to make sure your son is OK, especially if you have had no contact with him. Does your DS have his own phone or social accounts you can contact him through to make sure he is OK?

Show quote history

What do you mean risk to life? In any case catch up - he's home now

Whyherewego · 28/10/2024 08:47

Well done OP! Get to court and get the fact that son cannot be deregister from school onto the order, ensure that PR is removed from him as he doesn't have a suitable space for DS to sleep.

CheekySwan · 28/10/2024 08:49

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 08:46

What do you mean risk to life? In any case catch up - he's home now

Show quote history

Rude

The guy has a criminal background, history of being abusive and took his son with no contact to a hostel

Stormyweatheroutthere · 28/10/2024 09:00

PR can't be removed... Hell 's bells!! You can get a lives with order which would see the police being able to act if he kept ds again. Tbh I would stop all contact until he has proven to a judge he is capable.... He can explain why he is trying to coerce you into sex...

AnotherNameChange0 · 28/10/2024 09:05

Also, if staying in a hostel paid for by the LA, then the son wouldn't be allowed to reside there.

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 09:07

CheekySwan · 28/10/2024 08:49

Rude

The guy has a criminal background, history of being abusive and took his son with no contact to a hostel

Show quote history

That doesn't mean there's a risk to life. Making things up doesn't help. And if there genuinely was a risk to life it would be police who needed to visit, not social workers.

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 09:07

Whyherewego · 28/10/2024 08:47

Well done OP! Get to court and get the fact that son cannot be deregister from school onto the order, ensure that PR is removed from him as he doesn't have a suitable space for DS to sleep.

PR won't be removed!

NeedToChangeName · 28/10/2024 09:15

user1492757084 · 27/10/2024 03:07

How frightening!
Do you have a trace on your son's phone or a traceable tile in his shoe, school bag and head phones etc?

If you know exactly where he is, can you help Police fetch him to you.
Will his father remember to take son to school?
If so you could intervene once he is safely at school.

What is son like at communicating with his father and asking his father to take him home?
At 14 your son is old enough to have the courts listen to where he wants to spend time.

If you know exactly where he is, can you help Police fetch him to you

The child's father has parental responsibilities and parental rights. Police might carry out a brief welfare check to ensure the child is alive but wouldn't remove child from his father

OP, best consult a solicitor

Whyherewego · 28/10/2024 09:23

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 09:07

PR won't be removed!

Show quote history

Sorry I meant that he can't have the DS to stay over as he has no where suitable