I know I will get a lot of grief over this post but I want to know what I should do. Walk away (and suffer in silence for the rest of my life) or say something.
I was married. As is he. I was in a sexless marriage and it was clear to be many years ago that my marriage was nothing more than a friendship. OM also married. He, to this day, insists his marriage is also sexless and it is his doing as he doesn’t find her attractive.
I went through a particularly bad part in life about 8 years ago. Lost close family (cancer and accident), was over-looked at work for a job I had worked hard to get (job went to manager’s personal friend) and a colleague ended up being forced out as she raised issues with the recruitment process (they made her life hell and she left and I lost a close colleague, who was my senior). I, and I was completely unaware at the time, hit menopause (at the younger end of the average age range). I became a different person once my periods stopped. I didn’t want to be around people, got anxiety and felt overwhelmed with everything. I went to the GP but was fobbed off. I came away empty handed and never went back. I also experienced, what I now know, is the sex surge of menopause. This went on for a couple of years. Just felt ridiculously horny all the time! Even started dressing differently and acting more confidently (which got me the promotion elsewhere). I am ashamed to say, I started chatting to men online and started to realise I had no sexual relationship with my husband (11 years my senior). I had been very naive and married in my early twenties. Never been with anyone else and had hidden myself away as a teenager rather than go out and meet people. I felt different through the menopause and started to analyse my marriage. We had no affection in the marriage. No kissing, no hugs and no sex. There had been no sex for over 11 years (it’s now 17-18 years). He was also poor in the bedroom (and very selfish) and, again through lack of experience, I didn’t know any different but felt under-whelmed until, eventually, I stopped it.
My feelings through the menopause led to me seeking out male companionship, and it was obvious I was craving something else.
I chatted to a few and found it a bit sleazy and well, stopped. Then went on again one night and chatted to a man at the other end of the country. We hit it off like old friends. It was very obvious we were going to get on well. We, we did. We spent hours and hours chatting online and on the phone. He told me, at the time, he didn’t get on with his wife, they didn’t connect, didn’t spend any time together and had no sex life. I, stupidly, remembered these words and even more stupidly, started to develop feelings for him. It became sexual on the phone and we both enjoyed it. I certainly did as I’d never experienced that before (and I have bottled up a lot of passion inside for years). He never wanted to meet and would cut contact if we came close or it went too far. He would say he gets carried away. But, I was experiencing a passionate man for the first time. We met after a year - we went for a drink and he chatted to me as a friend and I thought he’d drop me off at my hotel. He came
in and we chatted and had tea a while. We ended up kissing but he pulled away and it was obvious he had ‘snapped out of it’. He actually cut contact. He returned a couple of weeks later to say how attractive I was and that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I know I should’ve stopped it but I was already falling for him at this point. Like a fool.
He would say he got carried away and would pull back from the ‘friendship’ but it was obvious we got on well. He was very different to
my husband and gave lots of care and attention. By the way, I did end my marriage at this point as it made me realise there was something seriously wrong with my relationship at home.
OM and I met every time I went down to the area and we ended up having passionate sex over and over. Of course, I was in love with him by now. It has gone on 8 years. He would feel guilty and then would butter me up again and it would start again. He would then start going quiet and started telling me he couldn’t give me what I deserved and that I was a nice lady, blah blah. He did stop phoning me as much over time. It went from daily phone calls (some many hours long) to one a month, and completely platonic.
Through some detective work, I got hold of some
photos of his wife and their wedding date. It was obvious his 20th wedding anniversary was coming up. Of course, the increased guilt and approaching anniversary led to him being increasingly quiet. I decided to go and see
him (twice) to talk as I wanted answers as to why he had led me a line etc. We went for a walk and he sat me by a lake. We chatted. He said he felt like he wanted to be hit by a truck each time we’d met (guilt). He said he loved his wife and was never going to be there for me. He had been encouraging me to join a gym, badminton group
to meet people. Anyway, we met again and again ended up in bed. Then he started going quiet after I got upset and told him I was in love with him. Yes, I know. I am an idiot. I was
worried he was going to go. He said he wouldn’t and I wanted to remain friends. I went
down again last week and we chatted for hours. He came to my room and sat in a chair
and told me more about his marriage. He said there was no sex life but that they were best friends and looked after/out for each other. He said he wasn’t attracted to her (weight) and he was the one who stopped the sex but they have an affectionate marriage , apparently. This isn’t what he told me, initially. I then got a lecture on how marriage is more than just sex. He admitted he had been using chat sites on and off since shortly after their marriage. He had been looking at what he wanted out of life and realised he was being unfair to his wife and to me. He stopped using the sites years ago (I do
believe this) but remained friends with me as he ‘thought a lot of me’. He has asked
me numerous times to meet other people (in the hope of finding a man who can give me what I deserve).
Anyway, anniversary was the other day and guess what? He has deleted his FB account and messenger has gone with it! I have his number and he doesn’t seem to have blocked me on there but it’s obvious he wants me to move on.
However, apart from being in love with him (like an idiot), I now have £20k solicitor fees repay and sell the house. Meaning I have lost my financial future and I am now completely alone. I ended up leaving the job as it was too far away and Covid caused issues and I now in another job that also involves a night away (at my expense) and I don’t like it. I am very unhappy in my life and in a much worse position to what I was 8 years ago. Still alone. I tried dating sites to avoid the above with no luck. I didn’t like anyone and my feelings for OM were too strong.
OM has met someone before. He told me. He said he was guilty for years but ended up
doing it again. They have inherited money recently and both are retiring early (she is 60
and he is 54). Meanwhile, I will have to work till 67 and pay another mortgage after being mortgage free for years. My children live with their father mostly.
I am very hurt he has deleted his account without actually telling me first. It is obvious he wants to move on and get on with his life as if nothing has happened.
My life is in tatters. I am seriously unhappy in my life now. So much so, I am having dark thoughts creep in. I want to tell his wife. He has completely spun me a line. The guilt kicks in and he starts again. I know who she is and where she is. What would you do?