Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

The more you write the worse he sounds.
Again his mental health problem's are not more important then your own.
Even if he does somthing dramatic to try to get you back in his life you should stay strong and get out of the cycle.
You will be much happier away from his drama .

I wish I had been stronger months ago when all the signs were there. You are incredibly brave to have gone through all that and gave him this chance. I am glad he's changed and treating you properly now. I agree he's not ready. He's known a short time but he's got progressively worse since his diagnosis. Its become a get out card for all things. He's got a bag of responses ready and most of it is I'm going through this that's why.

Its a messy road. I just need to leave him properly now. Thank you so much for sharing your experience

If you have reason to believe he is suicidal or any other self harm imminent, call 999. This is an emergency and they can order an ambulance faster than you can. Ignore his orders. Do not get drawn into any manipulative behaviour or conversation. Leave it to the professionals. If he needs help they are where it comes from. Not you.

Thank you. It inspires me and comforts me to know I'm not alone. He lost his keys the other month. So he had to come here. Then he lost his other key and I was like wtf is happening. The amount of times his phones etc have been lost. Once he had this story that his work bag had been nicked whilst waiting for his lift. He said he just have left it there and it was pinched. His work bag had nothing of any value in it. It's odd. Once his wallet went missing too. God knows.

I am going to try my absolute hardest now! I feel inspired. Thank you. I'm glad you met someone new. I hope one day I am settled too.

What he needs is professional help.

Not a convenient supplier of sympathy, problem solving, cash.

This situation is actually harming him, too.

You are not his mother.

He will never change if you carry on cleaning up his messes.

He will get older and older and never learn self reliant, responsible adulting.

If you are concerned about his wellbeing, step away, because enabling him is the worst thing you could do.

Change the lock.

Send him a clear message, by text or email if you find speaking difficult, as it will trigger emotionally manipulative behaviour if he can talk with you. And face to face could be dangerous as hearing 'no' from women can be triggering.

State that you are not going to continue with this relationship and that he needs to seek professional help.

If (IF) he does manage to sort himself out on his own two feet with their help, as another poster reports happening with hers, then you might think about resuming the relationship. But for now, he is not good for you, and this is not good for him.

Hi OP, I’m another who was in a relationship for years with someone who threatened suicide every time I tried to leave, and would follow through with risky behaviour like taking heroin for the first time if it looked like I might call his bluff. With subsequent partners he escalated to overdosing every time he was left, and then at other times too, and he did eventually kill himself, possibly accidentally. (I disagree with some of the posts that all addicts are arseholes and vice versa, I don’t think my ex even was an addict, he used drugs to control other people and could go without easily.) I was so glad to be disentangled from him before he did that, and I was glad he hadn’t had children. He left a trail of destruction behind him. If your guy keeps on the way he is he will probably won’t live a long and happy life either, but that doesn’t mean you should stick around to prolong it, or to take the damage of misplaced guilt if he does actually end up dead.

Look up ‘trauma bonding’, it might help you make sense of how difficult it is to leave. It isn’t just that as a nice person it feels overwhelming to leave someone who might kill themselves. It’s also that because the lows are so low, those moments of respite with him feel like security, and you become addicted to that. Leaving won’t immediately feel secure and free, it’ll fee empty and scary for a while. You have to cut off a huge part of yourself, your past and your emotions. I think it’s like quitting an addiction yourself, you just have to grit your teeth and get through it for a while and not listen to all the justifications you’ll start finding to check he’s ok or reconcile. I eventually did it by going no contact, and I don’t think I’d have managed any other way.

It took me years to recover, but I got into it as a teenager and was involved for 10 years, so it had shaped my whole adult life to that point. If you’ve had a life outside of looking after this man as an adult then you know you have a healthy baseline to return to, it might just take some time and therapy to get there.

Good! You've taken a big step to share your story on MN, which I know can be quite terrifying to do. Sometimes we just get mixed up with a wrong'un and it distorts our whole perception of reality, but you're on the right track now, back to sanity and balance. Take courage from what you've already done, and know you will be just fine.

Everything you say about him mirrors my "Heathcliff" - even down to the childhood trauma/abuse, which he always used to excuse the most abominable behaviour. He had an enormous chip on his shoulder; according to him, everyone had it easy except him, so he expected to be baled out and handed things on a plate. All the bad things that ever happened to him somehow got converted instantly into meal tickets. And the more you gave him, the more he demanded. It was never enough.

The funny thing about all this is that my husband had a much harder and more traumatic childhood. But is he an arsehole? Does he smash things up in frustration? Spit fire over perceived injustices? No. He is gentle, funny, and even-tempered. I am completely safe and relaxed with him. I know he loves me with all his heart. Your partner, sorry to say, is incapable of loving anyone.

Threatening self harm is a well known coercive controlling tactic

I'd say 100% of addicts have mental health disorders. Yes, you can feel compassion - by all means give money to charity. But this is your life. Your one and only life. Why are you enabling him? Not good for you, definitely not good for him.

If you were my daughter, my advice would be to look for a job abroad or go on an attachment in a different part of the world or country. Get away entirely for a bit. Distance yourself from this situation, invest in yourself, develop good boundaries and don't go near anyone who messes with drugs or over indulges in alcohol again.

Do not tie your life to a sinking ship. If he wants to change, it is absolutely within his power, but only within his own power. Nothing you do or say will influence it. You are only prolonging the agony.

Thank you. Its a big help to Be understood and not just told to get over it. I've had that word with myself so many times. Why can't I just get over it.

I'm glad you got out before he died. It's sad he did. But you don't lead a long happy life if you abuse yourself and take such terrible risks. I dont think my guy will live many more years. I cannot be around for it. I hope I don't get told. I've lost count of how many walks I've gone on in the last 3 years to try sort my brain out. Wondering what it just feel like for people in normal happy relationships or even single and fulfilled. I do have a trauma bond I guess.

I think he's hurt me that much now that I'm not afraid of loosing the future with him. I dont want it or see it in a nice way now. He holds me back.

OP, you still sound quite sympathetic to him. He's got "broken brain" and a mood disorder, as if to say that it's not his fault that he's a terrible person.

This is, to put it bluntly, nonsense. He is a horrible human being who happens to have mental health issues. Those issues are not a reason and definitely not an excuse for his emotional manipulation and exploitation of you.

I have a family member with schizophrenia. Lovely man, very generous, has his difficulties of course but is at his core a decent person. There are many other examples of lovely people who struggle with their mental health and have their good and bad days, but your boyfriend is definitely not one of them.

We none of us choose the cards were dealt but we can choose how we react to them. This man has chosen to lie, to steal, to manipulate, to grind you down. There is no possible excuse.

Wishing your all the very best and a free, happy, confident future.

OP. You do not have the skillset to deal with his needs. Read that again. It's ok to bail.

If you don't, he's going to be at your door, late at night and you'll struggle to get him out and he'll make you utterly miserable. You can't help him.

I guess people swing one way or the other. They either break the cycle or continue the cycle.
All these feelings are so hard.

2 years ago now we had separated. He had held all the control with that too. Ignoring me. Not replying. Months of torture. I had this female friend from school. We were never close. But Facebook made us chit chat. She moved into the same cul-de-sac as him. I told her what I'd been through and a few months later she messaged him on Facebook and they got involved for 2 months. To hurt me. Then one night she emails me loads of abuse saying why do I still have such a hold on him and he won't ever say nothing bad about me. He came crawling back to me as she asked him for money etc.

I went back to get one back on her. Not because I was a bitch or liked drama. But because I was on the floor broken and they made me want to give up.

I never ever want to be that woman again. I won't be. I'm not a from that world.

I feel so much more in control my end than I did 2 years ago. I've moved house and changed my job. I have alot to be thankful about in the last 12 months. This is just a big cloud hanging over me.

I hate how I feel sometimes. When he's ignored me for 16 hours and I'm unable to enjoy my evening. I sit lost in my stress and worrying. I dont want that now. I want to enjoy my life.

@A1m52 You sound ready to leave! It takes most people a few attempts to get out of an abusive relationship. So you’ve tried before and you know what went wrong then - contact with people around him, staying emotionally involved. This time muster everything you’ve got and make it a clean break. If you can then move and change your social circle. I had to cut off contact with a whole group of friends and move towns to get away. I’m now back in touch with those friends since there’s no danger of getting reinvolved, but if I’d had to pay the price of losing contact with them forever it would have been worth it. I made new friends, and am happy with a caring and kind partner now (who like another pp also had a far harder childhood than the woe-is-me ex, but put the effort in to get himself healthy and be able to put others first). Make big bold changes and in five years time your life will be unrecognisable, and this will feel like it was a bad dream.

He's really playing you OP.

You need to sort out your own sense of self worth. Not being able to enjoy life because you are waiting for an addict to call is really sad. Also by giving him money and looking after him you are enabling his drug and alcohol habit. Maybe you get something out of that? Think hard OP.

Goodness me, op. You must leave. Go with a clear conscience. You are not responsible for him. He is an adult. You are not his carer.

Please leave and feel no guilt. Thank goodness there is no marriage or children involved.

You are worth more. Save yourself. It will be hard but pls stay away and busy yourself with friends and family that make you feel good.

The gut wrenching guilt will subside over time. You will free yourself but you must be strong and not return.

And - if a tragedy does befall him- this is absolutely not your fault.

Haven't RTFM just @A1m52 s posts.

First of all, if a virtual hug from a stranger on the Internet will help at all, doubt I would be the only one sending several.

Blocking him is the best thing you could have done for your own sanity. He is unlikely to khs, he is more likely to find someone else to enable him to continue his victim behaviour and drag them down too.

You have escaped a hellish, abusive relationship. Financially and emotionally guaranteed but if you doubt it is physical - how do you feel and look physically compared to before you met him? How is your health? Just because he didn't hit you doesn't mean his abuse hasn't had a physical impact.

You have amazing strength to have stopped this leech getting further enmeshed in your life, that strength will flourish now he is gone from it.

Give yourself time to heal, access the resources available for abused women, let yourself be free of the guilt - it's misplaced and none of this is your fault but it will eat at you until you can let it go. Breathe. You have space and freedom to heal in your time. 🍀

I know it's not normal to feel like me. I dont buy him drugs. I send food and tobacco. Which is still enabling!! Its been a hard time. Clearly I didn't see things clearly.

Thank you. Your words are helping me keep strong. I am going to stick to it this time. Its not my fault if he dies.

Correct. It is absolutely NOT your fault if he dies. OP, my brother was a mentally ill drug addict from his early years, and if there is one thing I learned young it is that you can't fix people. THEY have to want to get better and THEY have to be willing to do the hard work that getting better requires. No one else can do that for them.

Unless and until he decides to get better, there is nothing positive that you can do for him. Nothing. What you have unintentionally done so far is enable him, which is bad for both of you.

You need to block him and move on. No more sending him anything. No more contact. No more enabling. This is your one life, and you have the right to live it on your own terms. You owe him nothing. Let him go and work on you. You deserve that. Good luck.

Thank you. I'm sorry you've had to watch your brother on this journey. It must have caused you and your parents alot of stress. I think I've been dead lonely as I don't know anyone who's been through it. Naturally as you can imagine, my friends and families compassion ran out along time ago for him. He's not liked by anyone close to me because 2 years ago he dropped me on my arse when I'd helped him out! Didn't return money and left me depressed.
I think by posting today and people coming forward to tell me they have also stood here and had to come to a decision to leave or move on helps. Ive felt so abnormal. The sense of nobody here understands our story. I've needed to sit and talk for hours to a stranger who just gets it.
His ex would probably be a great person to sit with. But he played games with us so she probably has an awful impression of me. I dont want to contact her either because she's in a new relationship now and hopefully we'll on her way to happiness.

I am anxious. Don't sleep as great. Probably look more tired. Before I met him I was peaceful and enjoyed life most of the time. If I was doing mundane housework I had my music on and was happy cleaning. If I was out having a meal with my friends I'd be enjoying the company. I love autumn and walks. I love shopping.

I feel a little bit down in the dumps on these occasions. I keep checking my phone as he's slept in or not talking to me. He's ruined at least 2 or 3 evenings with one of my friends he doesn't like. He dumped me overnight once 10 minutes before she picked me up. We was sat in this bar with a restaurant near a lake. I remember feeling distressed and distracted. I remember feeling sad that I couldn't send him a photo of my yummy meal and be told to have a lovely evening.

Ughh writing it down is so sad. He's robbed me of so much stuff I love.

Yes don't contact her. She's moved on and doesn't need dragging back in to it. Tbh noone is going to want to listen to you mooning on about this bloke. They might want to listen to YOU though, talking about what YOU want.

OP, you have tried but it's an impossible situation, what are you getting other than stress and strife from this guy?
You weren't put on earth to be his fixer. We don't get very long in the world and you really don't want to be looking back and realise you squandered way too much of your time and life on this helpess hot mess. He's not your responsibility. He is an adult (presumably) so is responsible for himself. Don't move him in to your place, make a fresh start without him and his nonsense.

'Where do you get the money?' What a clueless idiot. (You didn't need to bite your tongue about spending your hard earned wages any way you wish. Although the less he knows about your finances, the better). Cut your losses OP.