Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Thinking of you @A1m52

Hi everyone. I threw myself into lots of cleaning and tidying today and I'm reading rachels holiday. I've also been watching celebrity jungle. Trying to be happy at home. My initial thought this morning was go out walking. But I felt the house was getting neglected. I need to just get on with stuff though and learn to be OK here.

Not had any messages or texts or blocked calls through. So radio silence again.

I know it makes no sense to anyone but he really has turned into someone I don't know.

Well done on a day well spent.
I echo PPs who explain that you will never understand his behaviours/feelings/how he spends his time.
What matters most now is you. Start with all the love in that coming to you first.

This, I hope you’re feeling satisfied at the cleanliness of your home! (And enjoying the book, of course.)

Absolutely. I genuinely mean it when I say I can't forgive him ever again now and wouldn't take him back for love or money. I just have anger and disbelief at the paths he's choosen and the time I've wasted keeping that man out the gutter.

Last year in July time I have this horrible memory. He was working but "homeless" not on the streets because he stayed with work and at weekends checked into a hotel. He had time to kill one day before he could check in and I was busy. He was hanging about waiting and had gone into town to check in. Suddenly his phone was off. He hadn't checked in. 2 hours later I knew something was up. So I got dressed. It was pouring with rain. I walked to near the field he'd been waiting near and I saw a coffee cup and fag ends there. I was looking under hedges and stuff worried. 2 hours later I was back home and hotel confirmed he hadn't arrived. I heard shouting outside.... itcwas him. I ran out. He claimed he'd been hit on the head amd knocked out. He had the odd grass stain on his top. They'd took his cash and phone! The next day he'd found the phone but it was ruined.

His life shouldn't be like the above.

I'm just traumatised and relieved that I won't have to live like that anymore

Absolute chaos @A1m52
It is going to take time to get over the trauma but once you remove the person causing it you will start to heal.
Even by writing on here it is better than mulling it over in your mind.
You are not ready now but when you are imagine charting your life with someone you can do simple stuff with - walks, cinema, trips, cooking. Who appreciates all that you are and repays with care.
I have never been through what you have but I gave up on meeting someone for so many reasons.
But I did after years in my own. So I can say from my own part that to have someone who considers you it does happen.

Agreed. I met mine after years on my own- and getting comfortable on my own. (Which having read the threads about hosting at Christmas and the number of people who can’t be alone then, makes me quite grateful for my happiness in my own company!) But that time out of relationship meant I could see the red flags when I talked to men, instead of just wanting them to like me. And when I met my now-OH, I had the space to be able to watch things, check for 🚩, and still be ok on my own. We wouldn’t have got together otherwise.

I feel that sense of pressure that I could end up alone but everytime I get asked out it's via fb messenger. I have 3 men that have been trying all year on and off. Ones a married man I ignore. He's done with his wife but not left. I think he's a massive player though based on the amount of time that man's online! Then there's a slightly short ginger farmer I spoke to 12 years ago who had his chance then and has ended up alone and wants to date me. But I've not seen him for 12 years and it gives me the ick when he makes out we've always had something. Then there's the estate agent who showed me around the house. He asks if we can meet for wine every 2 or 3 months. But I think there's got to be something wrong with him because he's on dating apps and not bad looking but gets minimal responses on Facebook like nobody is Interested in him..I just sense it 🤣🤣
But I can't date anyway right now. I feel there's chaos around me. I feel like people misjudge online anyway. I'd feel more confident if I met someone naturally instead of knowing I was the 18th woman this year he's tried to connect with.

I do need to be happy on my own. I read scary stuff like you won't meet someone hiding at home. But beyond working shopping and having coffee with friends I am not in environments to meet anyone! I understand people say join a class etc. But I feel so uninspired at the moment.

You don’t need another person to be complete. Get happy on your own first. And as you say, these men all have some sort of issue that would be no fun to deal with. Just take your time to heal from this situation, don’t even think about dating. Be your own hero and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated 💐

Try to put having another relationship out of your kind for now.
There is no need to worry or overthink a relationship.

For now you need to heal yourself, maybe have some counselling and then start building up your life to be the best it can be 🩷

A partner should enhance your life and not be your life.

I left my marriage of 19 years over 6 years ago, had a short 2 year 'relationship' with an FWB and have been single since that ended.
I'm just having lots of fun with a male friend and embracing life and know that I won't ever live with anyone again or have a relationship with someone who isn't at least 75% along on their journey.
If that means I remain single for the rest of my life I'm good with that. I'm 43 and don't let it worry me.

You can do this OP💫

I agree you can do this!
Remember it’s men who are vultures who go after a vulnerable woman. We’ve all done it, and end up with someone just as awful as the last one.
Concentrate on you. Honestly, I’m mid 50’s and while I have a great other half now, it’s friendship which I find is the best thing in life.
I have a few good friends and that’s all you need. People to share time and experiences with.
Your time is the most precious thing. At my age I have realised even if you live to a good age, it’s still not a long time.
Wasting it on people who don’t respect you is such a waste.
Keep making your progress and every day where you have a little win is a good day.

Op it's realistically going to be months before you even consider someone else. You will not die alone lol, we all think that on the early days. Your nervous system will take time to return to baseline levels, stress hormones will clear. It's not about joining classes, although that may end up part of it, it's about pursuing what you love and this is the time to think about what that is. I've been separated a few years, was planning on dying alone as once I found peace I dont want to let it go, and have just started seeing someone I got chatting to on Reddit about an interest I have. So now I'm hanging out with someone just like me instead of a chaotic nightmare. I'm where I should be because I'm following my path, not somebody else's. Find your own path op x

Thanks everyone. I feel I may need some sort of therapy to break the trauma bond. I just don't want to waste money if its something within myself I can find. I think I should give myself a week or two longer.
Absolutely I'm very cautious about males now. My friends who have online dated have been messed about for 2 or 3 years in a row by various short term things. It feels not worth the hassle. I need to let myself just be off a week or two. Thanks to the snow I didn't leave the house today. Meant to be out tomorrow though.

No contact from him still now so going into my 3rd day now. Think this is the longest so I think itl get easier in a few days.

that sense of pressure that I could end up alone

The funny thing is, there's a theme emerging from me and other PPs that before finding someone really nice, after a pretty grim dating history, we all seem to have spent a few years alone and learned to enjoy it. Once you've done that, you'll always be happy because no one can mess it up for you. And if the right person does come along, you're not otherwise occupied with another wanker, and you won't let just anyone into your life because you're keen to protect the balanced contentment you've perfected.

Not sure about therapy. I know this will be an unpopular view, but I never really saw it do anyone any good. I've seen it cost people a lot of money to go round and round in circles, raking things up and dwelling on things that just need to be released into the ether. Moving on means creating new habits, not worrying about old ones. Don't let me put you off though, you must choose what feels right for you!

Re meeting someone one day, I can recommend small independent music festivals. Not the big commercial ones. You want a fairly small crowd, family friendly, somewhere in a field in a pretty part of the country, and pray for sunshine.

I’m going to post again - have your thought about a cat? My cats have got my through some really tough times, they are company if nothing else.

I might be getting a cockatiel soon..I'm more of a dog lover but wouldn't work with my life at the moment.

I agree as I've had therapy before. I spoke for 50 minutes a session for £60 and she didn't give me any lightbulb moments. I think sometimes I just need someone new to talk to who can make me feel less alone, validate me and give me some words of encouragement.

I definitely just want to feel at peace and I know it sounds weird but I don't know what it feels like to wake up content and happy with a free mind. Everyday he's in my thoughts. I just want him gone. I need to find ways to remap my thoughts.

I've found a good page on tik tok which has explained some stuff really well. Plus it's free!

That’s what everyone says before they get a cat. They are a loss less maintenance that a dog.

EMDR is a type of treatment for trauma.
It’s not a talking therapy.
Lots of MN posters who have had it have benefitted from it.
It is not cheap and if you want to try for it on the NHS the wait would take a while, but it’s quite a targeted treatment that doesn’t drag on and on.
I had it two years ago after years of therapy, and it changed my life.
If you are home tomorrow have a read up on it online.
It is at least worth considering. All of these terrible memories you have, it really helps your brain to dial them right down.
(I tried CBT many times which is a way of getting you to think differently about them - not much success for me!)

Yes, I found CHT useless, but DBT might be useful. I’m currently doing some Compassionate Inquiry work and have previously done parts work/Internal Family Systems which I did find useful. Much more so than previous therapy. Also something like yoga therapy might allow you to recognise when you’re feeling triggered and give you tools to manage your emotions and your nervous system, without going into your history.

That should say CBT, not CHT .

That’s all good stuff. Is the CI courtesy of Dr Gabor Mate? His work on trauma is fantastic!

Yes, I have found it incredibly useful. Lots of stuff coming up that I never realised before.

My other half did the CI course absolutely loved it.
When you start to understand what trauma is, and how it affects you, it doesn’t remove it, but being educated around it really helps.
(By the way can’t stand the trend for people saying ‘oh I had PTSD from that!’ for an event like being stuck in a queue when Christmas music is playing!)
I spent years in therapy, but still couldn’t solve the puzzle. Being educated around it has really helped me!

How are you doing @A1m52 ? X