Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

He’s using you. Stop spending your money and see what happens.

I will go look now. Thank you. I need all the support I can get. I'm so distressed sometimes I feel I can't go. Then my brain starts thinking ill miss him. The very small crumbs are peace are only watching tele together and cuddling. There's nothing else. So I need to not think like that.

Why do you feel you only deserve a relationship like this OP?

Google the Victim triangle. I'd imagine at first your bf was the victim and you the rescuer, but now he is the persecuter and you are the victim.

End this relationship now. It will never work.

You're doing the right thing. You're not his doctor or therapist.
Change the locks in case he's stolen and copied a key.

Best of luck with recovering from all of this.

I was like this too OP and had not one, but three, relationships just like this one! With utter selfish losers who bit the hand that fed.

I can pretty much guarantee that you're not the centre of his universe, although you feel responsible for him. He's probably doing a few things you don't even know about.

You should absolutely make your own happiness your first priority instead of losing energy into this bottomless pit of chaos. Enjoy being a fully functional human being. Find out how your own life will flourish when you invest in yourself instead of a complete waster.

Take some time out from dating and use it to treat yourself like a plant, by which I mean providing yourself with the environment and nutrients essential to thrive. Remove parasites. He might not be the only one. Wait until you have found your own balance and contentment before you seek involvement with anyone else.

Reflect on why you feel so responsible for the happiness of someone who is hard wired to self-destruct. No prizes for guessing it must have something to do with your parents.

There is no shame in looking after #1. It is in fact our primary responsibility in life. No one else's.

The freedom programme is for domestic violence so he's not hurt me physically.

The freedom programme is not just for physical abusive, you have been emotionally abused. That is still abuse

Thank you so much. You sound lovely and like you know all too well. Bottomless pit of chaos hit home. It won't ever end. I've been so so sad and lonely. I was sat in my local cemetery a few weeks ago. I went to sit on a bench high up at the top. I was sat there thinking how wrong it was that I was this sad. The graves were husbands and wives buried together and it sounds weird but I thought we don't have that type of love.

I need so much support to get through this or I'm afraid I'll weaken.

I love plants. I have started reading the twisted series and bought new pj's last night. I went shopping last week and plan to go out tomorrow. I need to keep busy I think.

Thank you for writing such a relatable reply. It is comforting to be understood.

OK I'll look at it again I just saw violence and thought it wasn't the one for me.

You are doing the right thing, and you shouldn't feel guilty about making choices which protect your life and preserve your own mental health.

I have a serious mental illness, and at times have been hospitalised as a result. And I still believe that in your circumstances you're making the right choice to leave.

Unfortunately, unless someone is prepared to take some responsibility for their own recovery and make life choices that work towards that, then there's very little you can do. I've been suicidal, but in the midst of that I agreed to get professional help because the toll on my partner to support me would have been too much for him alone.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much and I hope you have some support for yourself also.

Yeah he was a victim of life. He was working full time and had stopped drinking.. he was renting a decent sized home and had a lovely relationship with his ex. That fed into me thinking he must be nice.

Overtime I learned about the cheating, financial trouble and addictions made her end it. She made him move out. It was her home anyway. He just clung to her for years after and overdosed and text her.

He has a broken brain and I feel sorry for him..he can't look after himself. He uses an asda shopping crate as a bedside table and the sofa bed and TV stand was already in his flat when he moved in. He's never even bought himself some furniture when he started out again. Other men his age are in a fully kitted out house and work and drive a car.

I felt sorry for him and became rescuer yes

I will look at the triangle 🔺️ now

Bless you, you deserve love and happiness, and you will find it one day. Just not when you are getting sucked into the drama of other people's crises.

This is what "happy" looks like for him. In his own way, although this is perverse, he prefers his life just as it is, and resents your interference. It suits him to feel desperate. The more he self-sabotages, the more he can blame circumstances and other people. Let him get on with it.

Now go for a lovely walk and treat yourself to something small. Enjoy your new pyjamas and plan something nice for breakfast every time you go to bed with a lovely book. This is how you build a new life for yourself, little step by little step.

You have done enough.
He needs to hit rock bottom and be responsible for himself.
Keep him blocked . It sounds like he just uses you when he needs stuff.
Also why is his life/mental health more important then yours?

Hello. This sounds so emotionally draining, you must be exhausted, having to be constantly in crisis mode. He sounds like he needs help with his mental health but responsibility for his wellbeing does not rest with you. Give him the contact details of professionals/organisations who can help him. Let his family know and/or any friends he has left. And then take a big step back. There’s nothing more you can do. You deserve to have the chance to be happy and for someone to be reciprocating the love and care you give. You really do. I understand you feeling sorry for him- poor mental health is so hard- but helping him cannot be at the expense of your own mental health. You have given all that you can and more. Now is the time to step back and rebuild you, knowing that you deserve to be happy and have peace of mind. Best wishes.

He is an addict OP and I wouldn't wish getting involved with an addict on my worst enemy.

He will lie, cheat, twist things. He will not care about you because he can't care about you. You cannot cure it, change it or fix it.

You deserve so much more than this. Nobody deserves to reinvolved of a man like that. The only way to deal with it is to completely block him and if there's any chance he has a key to your house then get the locks changed. He will take everything from you. One thing I found when I was going through a bad time was to go swimming every day. I stuck at it and it was incredibly good for my mental health.

Could you do something like that? For me it helps me change my routine and it made me fit but most of all it was the change to my mental health that mattered the most. It didn't happen immediately but I was able to complete switch off for that hour. I was able to just focus on the stroke and the number of laps I had done and I felt my brain had had a reset after an hour in the pool.

I got a monthly pass from the local pool and it wasn't expensive. Time for you to spend your money on yourself rather than wasting it on him.

You do realise that nothing you give him will be enough and nothing you do for him will be enough?

It is so hard to think of yourself when someone else is struggling but you need to end this relationship. My daughter had a friendship with someone who relied on her a lot. If my DD didn’t respond to a message or was unable to meet up her friend would then send messages that she was going to kill herself. My DD was being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. DD needed therapy as it took such a toll, even though she is now 19 I took over and told her she cannot continue the friendship, her mental health was quite bad at this point. She worried every day her friend would attempt suicide and it would be her fault. Mental health makes people very selfish and it’s so hard to walk away. DD was upset for a long time and felt extreme guilt but I now see the spark coming back for her. Her friend needed more help than my dd could offer.

It sounds like you have done your best and his needs are greater than you can provide . He needs professional help but unless he is willing to engage and help himself there's no way forward .
You sound young enough to forge a good life for yourself don't wake up at 50 and have regrets. This man will never be able to provide you with what a loving partner should . Somehow you have to ween yourself off him and start living a good life yourself

@A1m52 what you must do today is leave your house, turn your phone off, go into town! do not be available to him when he is evicted today because he will just turn up at your door and you wil succumb and allow him to come in. once he is in you will have difficulty getting him to leave. nothing to do with leaving legally. you are just not up to forcing the issue of him leaving you alone. evictions usually start at 10am and follow on till they are done.

I don't think this thread is helping you to stop dwelling on him.

I suggest you start a couple of threads about unrealated topics that are interesting to you and have nothing to do with supporting a chaotic unstable addict. You can post links to the new threads here if you want, then hide this thread and stop thinking about him.

His life and his decisions are on him. Obviously I hope he doesn’t kill himself but if he does, that’s not your responsibility

How old is he and yourself OP? Yeah keep your phone off by message him first and just say you can no longer support him that you need to look after yourself and that you hope things go well today and say firmly that you will not be there for this next stage in his life and then phone off and block his number on WhatsApp on your phone all social media accounts. It is not your responsibility to keep this man alive and yes he more than likely chats to other people as he can’t survive on his own he won’t have all his eggs in one basket and likely talks to multiple women to make sure there is always someone to help.

If he turns up call the police and register every attempt with 101 that is concerning.

I need to challenge myself to these questions. Why does his MH matter more than mine? Exactly that. For a long time it's felt like I've got a bruise and he's bleeding out. My bruise hurts but I can't say That to someone who's bleeding to death.

I am important though. If I ruined my life, wasted my bill and food money on aload of stuff I didn't need then whined to him he wouldn't and couldn't help.

Last week I ordered a new coat and a jumper. Lately I've been buying bits for Christmas gifts too. So I've had packages arrive. He has told me 2 or 3 times lately to be careful when I'm buying stuff. When I had my coat delivered he said something along the lines of "where do you find the money" and I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to say to him because whilst you have been sat in your flat for the last year living minimally I've been up at half 5. Worked 8.5 hours 4 days a week and I do overtime when I can. I also have savings from a house sale that I didn't waste.

You put up with him for such a long time. What did your friends and family think? You need to block him completely. You don't need to explain anything to him. It would be pointless anyway.

Stop feeling sorry for him.

I think you need to understand why you've done this. Maybe therapy if you can afford it (use the money you were giving to him)