Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

OP, tobacco IS a drug.

He's spent loads on it, and you're doing it for him too, to feed that addiction.

Addictive demanding people - whatever their drug of choice, their addiction is their main relationship.

You're a supplier, not a partner.

Cut that off at once.

@A1m52 I remember feeling like that. Grey and dull, especially the no music.

Put it on. Loud. New music. Not anything you've listened to before so there are no memories to attach to it. Ask a friend to recommend a new band. Or listen to someone from the charts you've never heard of before. Call it step one and go organise a cupboard. Leave your phone in another room.

All the parts of you that he has stolen, they are stashed away. You can find them again.

@A1m52 "Before I met him I was peaceful and enjoyed life most of the time. If I was doing mundane housework I had my music on and was happy cleaning. If I was out having a meal with my friends I'd be enjoying the company. I love autumn and walks. I love shopping."

See who you were without him? A happy person at your core. I'm glad you still know and remember it. You're still that person, you just really need to drop the dead weight that is him so that you can get back to a lighter, peaceful and happy existence.

I think I've been dead lonely as I don't know anyone who's been through it. Naturally as you can imagine, my friends and families compassion ran out along time ago for him.

This massively resonates with me. Friends also don't understand why you can't just move on. Or, and this might be worse, they make "helpful" suggestions such as "well, at some point he will have to get a job if no one else is backing him."

It's because in their totally normal worlds, that's how it works. People can and do make mistakes, but they can and do figure out how to compensate or make up for those mistakes. Unless they have lived it, they can't comprehend that someone would, for example, not sort themselves out.

You see it on MN all the time. Someone comes on with a story that those of us who have been part of destructive relationships, or where we've watched a loved one go through it, immediately recognise the signs. And those who haven't say well-meaning, but useless things like, "Have you tried talking to him and explaining how you feel?" Or "If you walk away there's not much he can do." becase they just haven't experienced the gas lighting, the relentlessness of the victim mentality, and the manipulation for themselves. One of the only "good" things about the huge spiral SIL's ex went through when she finally managed to end it, was that suddenly it wasn't just me who was flagging how batshit he was. Why? Because his behaviour escalated so quickly and so badly that he couldn't hide anymore and he started treating EVERYONE the way he'd been treating her for years. And suddenly people started to understand that their endless, "he means well, he just needs a confidence boost/new job/to get fitter" was NOT, in fact, the answer.

Yeah i have to be honest 5 years ago I didn't know the word narcissist or borderline. To me those things back then were psychos in the movies who you'd never get involved with because you see it a mile off. But it isn't like that. I used to fall for his tricks.

"I've just left £30 in the cash point and gone home I could cry it's gone now"

"Omg sweetheart I fell over outside the shop and the milk and coffee I bought smashed allover the floor. I'm so sorry for asking but can you send me a tenner as I'm stuck"

"My boss hasn't paid me"

"I get my pip Monday. I'll pay you back." Monday arrives "its next Monday I thought it was today. So now I'm broke for another week. I know you wanted that money back today but what can I do? Please please please can you help me get some backy and food and put it onto what I owe you"

The list goes on. All the victim stories. Love bombing and connection. It's so easy to feel connected and then the mood swings completely throw you.

So how would it feel just to say no to any of these requests?

Amazing. I am fully at a brick wall with him. I've had enough. He's crossed the line with me now and I've had enough. Not keeping me in the loop when I had to call paramedics last week and he knows how concerned I've been.

There's no excuse like i said to him. I dont care if it's his daughter or bob down the pub. Its not fair on me to not reply after everything. Its not been his daughter paying for him or calling ambulances. He owes me that much.

So it's done..

Well done
👏👏👏💐💐💐

That's what it feels like to be used by someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

Good morning all. I'm still sticking to it. He did email me last night claiming he was in love with me and wanted me bit couldn't cope with me picking on him. I emailed back and repeated earlier message that I was unhappy with his lifestyle. Asleep all day. Up all night. On WhatsApp. Using his daughter everytime as a justified excuse to be online. He asked me to do him.one favour. To ring pharmacy to see if his tablets were ready. He's used his 500 minutes up again this month! Makes me laugh because he can still text so he's pretending his top up package expired yesterday. Every month is the same. Claims he doesn't talk to nobody or ring nobody but can use up 8 hours of calls in 3 weeks. Never on me though. The most important girl in his life.

Got a further email saying he'd been down the shop and didn't have enough for the crisps he wanted. Said he was starving. I didnt reply. Got another email at 00.50 saying he'd fallen asleep and was awake again. I have not replied but went on WhatsApp and he was using it as always at 4.30am. I haven't communicated this morning and he's not sent anymore. But yeah I guess another night chatting to his 24 year old daughter for the 4th time this week was on the cards. I'm sure her boyfriend isn't concerned about her late night and early that's to her dad all night instead of sleeping and spending time with him. Not sure if I'm only seeing stuff from my own upbringing but isn't it a little strange to messaging your daughter/dad at those hours sharing your struggles to eachother. I dont think it's healthy or normal for a parent to obsess over a daughter like he does. He left her as a child and only has contact now because she turned up at his door when she was 19. They stopped talking for 3 years and only got back in touch this year because she turned up again.

Sorry I'm offloading. It's better to offload on here than rant to him..I'm trying so hard.

Well done. Stay strong. Delete his contact details. Meet up with girlfriends today and if no one available, take a bus ride to a far away town you have never visited before.
One with lots of shops. As you walk about, just embrace your freedom.sit in a cafe and write a letter to yourself. Imagine you are someone else writing to yourself.

What do you want to say to yourself?

Buy a small momento of your day - a little charm or something.

Return home feeling refreshed and strong that this is the first day of the rest of your life.

Do not sit in your house waiting for messages. Go forward.

The reason i suggest going somewhere you have never been before is it will occupy your mind more. Dont just trudge round the old familiar.

Good luck!!!

OP please don’t get yourself get dragged back in.
And I know this is a tough one as you have been very caring but you need to stop seeing when he’s online. That in itself can become a dependency, wanting to know where he is and who he is talking to.
When dealing with an addict, you are around someone who lives in utter chaos. They will take from anyone who will provide for them, they have no care for the people they do this to.
He is not capable of loving you, and sending you emails like this is going to make you ill.
Step away from this relationship with his daughter - whatever is happening there is his business alone.
Think in the cold light of day - is this what I want for my weekend after working hard? Someone messaging me demanding crisps because they are starving? That is emotional abuse.
Without you in his life believe me he won’t starve. Addicts always find away.
You need some help and support as helping an addict becomes a dependency in itself. It’s really tough but the only way is to cold turkey it - block him on absolutely everything.

@A1m52 Block his email. Block him on WhatsApp. You are hurting yourself by checking his activity.

Block. BLOCK and Block. It is the only way you can move forward.

Well done for only replying once. Please don't phone anything for him. He can get his daughter to phone.

Stay strong. This is a mountain to climb.

Thankyou. It's the way I feel this morning that tells me I'm ready now. I haven't messaged.normally by now I'd be a little twitchy. Anxious. I dont feel anxious. I feel a sense of i can't be bothered with him. He only talks to me when he wants something.

I mean here's me saying to him I don't want to be in his world or life anymore and telling him what he's doing that hurts me. He takes 8 hours to respond and it's for 2 reasons. He needs a phone call and he's hungry. Because he "fell asleep" I didn't get asked for food sending. So thats something I guess. No idea how to block emails?

I know you are right I need to not look. I know he will be using it as his sleep patterns flipped the wrong way and he's choosing to be awake all night. If he can't be arsed to send me a message at 6am before he goes off to bed then I'm not important and it's that simple.

I'm feeling abit under the weather today (sods law) so feeling abit lazy but I do have my books to read. I'm not wanting messages as I don't want to deal with him. Like a pp said. He's more expressive over affording crisps than his partner walking away. He would be able to buy crisps if he valued himself on payday to food shop! I get sick of the poo me attitude now. The rest of us have to pay hundreds a month to eat. Its how we survive. Why should he be any different.

Poor me not poo 😅

He is still squatting in your mind and trashing the furniture today, isn't he.

It's hard but - stop it.

Tell him your decision.

And cut off his access routes.

Get off the WhatsApp.
Block the mobile, landline and emails. Unfriend on social media.
Screen calls from unknown numbers to voicemail.

When a vampire's blood supply is cut off, it can panic. That's what he does, trying to draw you back in.

It's the convenience, the cash and the control over you that he resents losing.

Stop obsessing over his activities, and his relationship with his daughter, which I think you're jealous of. It's their business alone, now.

Therapy is the usual recommendation here, and it may help you deal with how you got to this in the first place, what attracted him to you, how to move on.

Stay strong . Those emails do highlight how much he uses you and still tried to blame you for things . He is not worth your time.
And to be fair who knows if he is up chatting to his daughter . It could be anyone he is talking to . Or multiple people online.
But that's not important. He is not worth your headspace.

he is not a boyfriend
please look after yourself

@A1m52 If you use Gmail, there are 3 dots at the right side of the message beside his contact info. Click on that, at the bottom is the option to block.

Other emails will have similar options beside the contact info field.

It's good that you are feeling angry, it will help you not to return to him. It's an exhausting emotion though. Any energy you expend on him, thinking or feeling, is wasted. You know he doesn't care. You've taken the biggest step to protecting yourself and knowing you deserve better.

Anything you do today that is as far away from your "normal" as you can manage, is a move in the right direction away from him and everything about him. Clean him out of your life.

If he has anything in your house, box it up and put it outside (shed, inside recycling bin etc) so it's out.

Block him on everything.

It's over. He's not your problem.

Block him and put him out of your mind.

You think you are helping him but what you are actually doing by funding him and being a shoulder to lean on is enabling him to continue with his reckless lifestyle, not caring for himself or getting the help he needs. You're trying to be kind but in doing so you are preventing him taking responsibility for himself and tearing your own life and wellbeing apart.

It's time to look after number one. His choices are his choices. It's sad but if he does something, that isn't on you. Take care of you first and foremost. When you are on the plane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, because you can't look after others without looking after yourself first. You've looked after him too long without looking after you. He isn't a child, he's an adult who needs to grow up.

I'm not jealous of his daughter. I respect everything you said in your post apart from that. If you read what I have said.... he uses his daughters name to lie to me. I have no negative emotions towards her. It's because he will always always always say its her that he's talking to online at 3am etc. Everytime I'm ignored he says it's her. 3 days ago he said he was not replying to her even though she was asking when they could chat.

3 months ago he faked going over to her house a 45 min train ride away. He asked me for the money for the train. Then he told me his phone was dying and to message her for the address fast! He then said she was currently at an appointment. 3 hours later her boyfriend confirmed that my "partner" hasn't arrived yet.

Another hour passes. He messages me. He's on the train coming home. He's annoyed because she was at the hospital and he couldn't find her house (he's been there before)

The next day his other daughter spoke to me saying he had asked her and her sister for the train fayre. Turns out all 3 of us had paid for the train. He knew about the 10 min appointment and knew her partner would be at the house to let him in.

Also his phone had died yet he messaged me on the train because it turned out a random lady had a charger in her bag for him. The truth is he didn't go to the station. When j saw him that night he was all wide eyed and was clearly on something.

Oh and another story. He called me pathetic on the phone one day infront of this daughter. She then started to tell people I controlled her dad. She then started saying she wanted to spend more time with me. She invited him over one day. He begged me for a food shop. I was sat waiting to hear he'd received it. He ignored me for 6 hours. Said daughter had picked him up with a female friend and invited several of her women friend to her house some nearer my age. To meet him.

I've been disrespected several times by him using this daughter as an excuse.

It's a mess that I've processed. Absolutely he can talk to her all night everyday 24/7 and if it's her he's speaking to I'm happy for him.

But a few weeks back he started following a dating site on Facebook and alot of the posts had numbers for WhatsApp chat.

So maybe he's lying 99% of the time and I'm frustrated that he blocks my defences by saying. I'm talking to my daughter.

I hope this clears it up. It's not a jealousy issue it's me expecting to be respected as a human being.

The rest of your post thank you. Good advice and I will take it

He did email me last night claiming he was in love with me and wanted me but couldn't cope with me picking on him
Translates as: You are useful in his life, but only if you put up and shut up, because he has no intention of becoming a decent person and is too immature to deal with truth.

Blocking him is good, but you must fill the gap he leaves. Watch out for boredom and loneliness OP, because that's how we end up being sucked back into dramas that drain us.

I know you don't feel like it, but start a new project today and commit to it. Like a 30-day fitness program on YouTube. Something different that will take you out of yourself. Commit to it as step 1 in investing in yourself instead of throwing all your energy down that bottomless pit.

Edited to add: He has already proved he's a liar and a cheat. I'd bet my last dollar on him keeping his options open in the romance department. Because you've bent over backwards to accommodate his needs for so long, it's natural to assume you have a central role in his life, but it is quite possible he doesn't see things that way at all.

I see through it so much more now. Thank you. There's no real concern for me. Its gone quiet now anyway so hopefully we are both on the same page.

I have some sort of annoying virus through my body today. So I feel rough. But I've been reading and ordered some more Spanish cleaning products so I can spring clean next week..I have 9 days off work from the 30th so I'll need to keep busy. May try see my friend tomorrow if I'm not poorly. Then back to work Monday.

It is the quiet times I feel it more. That's why I came on here to rant. But worry it reads childish. It feels abit like one or 2 people think I should just be able to switch it all off today and stop thinking. But it will take more than a day or grief wouldn't exist. I'll be OK I feel happy enough with him not being around me. I've got used to it this last week. I think I needed the space and quiet more than I probably realised.

Yes, it's important to distract yourself.

You could try starting Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, as a way of finding out what makes you tick and carving a more interesting new path for yourself.

Don't worry about sounding childish. I can't believe how immature I was for the first half-century of my life. Probably still am. But some of us have an uneasy start in life and it can take a while to learn important things about self-care.