Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

He's a user OP, in so many ways. His old boss was absolutely right, he would 100% drag you down with him. Your head has been completely fucked already and it sounds like there's some emotional dependence on your part - but a huge well done for breaking free. You now need to keep yourself very busy so that that emotional dependence doesn't persuade you that he might change and it might be different if you take him back again - because it won't.

He's a common thief who has no respect for you. Well done on not letting him move in with you.

I’m just going to bet the only thing this guy has going for him is that he is objectively really good looking. Reminds me of my ex apart from he was financially stable but just needed multiple women to look after and stroke his ego.

He is no prise and when triangulation happens women fight over what they deem to be scarcity and what feels like something worth fighting for but if you take a step back you realise it’s just some avoidant male 😂

He usually will be nasty. He doesn't turn up. I'm not worthy of that either. He will have ago at me. Tell me why I'm abusing him and creating stuff and starting. Then he will give me the silent treatment.

All 3 of his girlfriends including me have Been nice hard working women. Not from the drug world.

So why do you think that is OP?

You really, REALLY must open your eyes and see that he has just been using you (and all the others) and your £££££ to support his addiction!

He doesn't love any of you. He'll take what he can get from you without any thought of how it affects you, emotionally or financially. HE DOESN'T CARE

He's an addict and the drugs have destroyed his life and his mental health. His choices, his life, his problem. If he dies its down to his actions, no-one else is remotely to blame.

Please don't be fooled anymore.

He was good looking. But he's aged significantly in the last 6 years. All the tablets and booze and depression. He's kept a good head of hair and he has muscles. But he's underweight and haggard looking. Sometimes his hair gets long as he can't afford the barbers (doesn't prioritise a tenner for a trim) and he looked terrible. I feel rotten writing that as he's unwell. I'm not putting him down to be horrible. I know he had girls swooning over him in his younger years. He's always been able to pull. But it's more his words. He knows how to make a woman feel like his first time falling.

He was earning £750- £900 a week for half our relationship and for years before..Still never had a penny. Now he's ruined his back and lost jobs and depressed. Money is poison to him.

He's not "unwell".

He's a drug addict. His priority is always ALWAYS, to get more drugs. He has learned how to charm women to give him their money, home, food, time.

You are a commodity to him. A useful idiot.

I'm being harsh because im afraid you still aren't seeing the glaring, bald truth.

He never had a penny in the past when he was earning well because he was buying drugs.

Drugs have lost him his job, physical and mental health.

He's still using so he needs money to buy. That's where you and the other women come in.

Your money will buy his drugs. That's all you are to him - a means to an end. His only love - drugs.

I'd stop wasting your energy analysing him and take a look at yourself. Why have you been in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit? I think this important to make sure you avoid repeating this situation.

I had an ex like that ( actually married with dc with him). The best thing I ever did was stopping trying to understand why he did it. I accepted he was a bad bastard and mine and the dc's life is 100 times better without him in it.
You are not responsible for him, he has made his choices so now he has to deal with them

Yeah he's an addict but he has a personality and mood disorder too. So he's allsorts. But yeah he does use people it seems. Then feels sorry for himself.

OP, this man may well hav esignificant mental health problems, but he's also an addict. Addicts are unreliable, selfish, users because when you are addicted, that is ALL you can prioritise.

I am sorry you are in this position as I know from personal experience how hard it is to let go knowing that this person could be genuinely damaged by you not being there as a safety net. But nonetheless, you have to do so. He will no change. Change requires a great deal of work and it's very clear he is not able or willing to do this. He will hate you. He will blame you. He will do everything he can to get you back and he will play on your sympathy and guilt. Addicts are, by nature, very narcissistic - it is all about them and their needs and they do not have any ability to take responsibility and accountability. So block him everywhere if you can because you don't need to see the vitriol and abuse he will send your way.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

That's a large part. He loves attention. Self pitying. He has childhood trauma. That's been picked up by specialist. The addictions are to mask all the stuff he's not dealt eith but he continues to make more trauma. He's too complicated to understand where the lines cross. But ultimately as you have said. He has picked drugs and infidelity over his partners for years. He's had some good chances to be happy. He didn't go for it.

Yes I am at that point now luckily. I dont romanticise it at all. He's really treated me wrong. Even when he's sat with me being all nice. He's hiding stuff.

I'm glad you got away. I can't wait to feel peaceful

He sounds just like every addict I've ever met.

Full of self-pity, narcissistic, quick to blame anyone and anything other than themselves.

And frankly as boring as a wet Wednesday in January.

Thank you. It is essential now. Enough is enough. I'm sorry you have Bern through similar. He's a massive lying head fuck. Some of the stories I could tell you.

He's never done drugs infront of me. Sometimes I'm with him for 3 days and he doesn't use. But the pipes are under the sides. The black burn marks on the carpets. The blisters on his lip. The scales. Everything. He hides and lies constantly.

If you do break away completely you will get your peace. It took me about 3 years to recover from him but I did, please stay single for a decent period after him. My life is completely different now, when I look back at how it was ( very rarely now), it's like it's someone else's life.

Yes very boring. Sucks the life outta me. 😪 doesn't have days out. Can't even enjoy a dog walk and Sunday dinner. I basically do everything alone!

I have spent a lot of time trying to work out if the addiction creates the narcissism or the other way round and I've realised it doesn't matter. The point is there behaviour is 100% unacceptable.

The trick, and it's not easy, is to live with the cognitive dissonance of feeling desperately sorry for them and genuinely beliving they deserve more while simultaneously knowing they are not good people and you need them out of your life.

You've explained it so well. We try understand it I guess to work out if somewhere amongst it all is some genuine love for us. But it does get to a point where you need to see how much you are missing out on and its just not bluddy fair. If your not worth a tenner and they've had hundreds from you. That shows a lack of care and love. On my birthday every year for 4 years I've had nothing. One year he got me a card. This year I got nothing. I've never had a Christmas present. Not one bunch of flowers in 4 years. It's pretty disgusting to be that comfortable neglecting the person who's kept you going.

You are doing the right thing OP and please please stick to it, not just for your sake but for his too. My partner has EUPD and I won't sugar coat it, he was hell to be with for a long time, behaviours similar to what you are describing. I got him the help, I picked him up when he was down, I bailed him out, I ran round after him, I sat by and didn't pull him up On his behaviour and self pity. So basically I enabled him. I finally left him and he hit his rock bottom. But without me there, he had to pull himself out of it, and he did. He spent almost 6 months alone putting the work in, seeked his own help and attended everything offered to him, finally tried medications and paid out his own pocket to see a specialist as he was finally taking his life seriously. I gave him another chance and I don't regret it, we've not had a single blip since, but I know for a fact he wouldn't be this person today if I had stayed and enabled him.
Your partner does not sound like he's ready to acknowledge his disorder let alone get help so this will not get better for you. Leave to protect your own health, what he does next is then on him so don't feel guilty for anything!

Oh, love.

It's difficult to change mindsets but that's an essential first step for you.

You have the RIGHT to a life, to be happy, to be safe. Tell yourself that, have it on your screensaver, print and stick it on your front door, in your bag ...

Women are so often cast into the carer role. And can convince themselves that 'I'm responsible for his life, his happiness, his safety'.

It's just not true - but it suits him to have you continuing to believe it.

This man has been using women for years. Sponging off, stealing from, leaning on. He's a parasite, a leech.

Part of this is he sees women as mum who'll bail him out, and he's still indulging in child/adolescent behaviours.

His demands and his inadequacies are exhausting you (and the exes he used up).

If he has a key to your home, he will steal again. Change the lock. It's YOUR home.

Stop giving him money. Say no. You have none left, you have just paid bills etc.

Don't say sorry. Say no.

He will have to manage his own finances.

And for god's sake don't get pregnant.

There are four billion men on the planet. This one's a dud. You deserve better.

Relieving yourself of this parasite will make your life better.

He sounds uncannily like someone I once considered the "love of my life" 🥰🥰🥰 It was easy to romanticize him because he was so charismatic and wild. A beautiful Heathcliff, or so I told myself. For years!

He was also incapable of doing anything other than weave a path of destruction through the lives of anyone around him. Any efforts to help him backfired spectacularly: he'd borrow money he had no intention of returning, break things you lent him, and still insinuate that you should be giving him more. He never made any reparations. He didn't give a shit.

When I finally decided to prioritise my own survival, the only way I could do it was to move house and cut all contact, because he was the sort of person to just turn up on the doorstep in crisis (van has broken down, kicked out of flat, lost job, etc) and expect to be looked after. Indefinitely.

Yet even after leaving him, my heart continued to bleed for him.

It did wear off though, over time. Now that I am happily married to a truly kind and loving man, I look back and wonder how I put up with it for 10 minutes, let alone almost as many years.

People like this leverage everything they can to manipulate others - suicide, illness, whatever: they live on the brink, demanding rescue. But surprise, surprise: 20 years on, he is still going strong. I saw a picture of him on FB recently. The looks have faded, and he now looks every bit as corrupt and depraved as he always was.

Good luck OP, you're on it! You'll be fine!

You've done what you can to help him. It doesn't seem to have made any difference to him.

He's draining you.

You do need to get away from this relationship.

If you think he will harm himself for any reason you could let social services / police / GP know the situation and let the professionals deal with his MH issues.

Please walk away and get your life back.