Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

I'd have given anything to have felt I was truly important and loved.

This is a priceless case of looking in the wrong place, OP
We've all done it...

It's been a sharp learning curve and you will choose more wisely next time, who you invest all your care and attention into!

Starting with yourself! 💗

OP I feel through all of your posts that your whole life and all of your thoughts are consumed by this man.
Maybe his life could have been different with earlier intervention but the fact is that it’s come probably too late for him.
I am sure if he had an ability to care at some level then he did care for you.
I know it was very important to you to really matter to him, to be a priority, but sadly people like him don’t have the capacity.
You are clearly deeply upset, hurt and traumatised by this relationship. No way could you or anyone have predicted that he was staying in your shed. That must be really disturbing for you.
All I can say is echo others in that I hope you get your life back, some freedom to live, to enjoy things again.
You certainly deserve to.

You have said that his mental health problems have led to the drug addiction. Have you considered it could just as easily be the other way around - his drug taking has led to his mental health problems. Or given, life is messy a bit of both?

But regardless you need to completely disengage. Block his number properly (not in the hard hearted way you have done so far). If he hassles you - contact the police, each and every time.

Yeah I know. He has consumed my every waking minute for 4 years. But 90% of it was sadness and anxiety.
I know I'm more done than ever. I've had up days and down days. But I always come back to realising I'm not happy and don't want to be in this situation anymore. I've barely seen him for 5 or 6 weeks and the 2 times he was asleep on my sofa sweating and snoring. Not making me happy or being close to me and having some real couple time. I'm defeated and done. The only anxiety I have is him bothering me with his problems. I dont want to change my number yet as its work and everything and I changed it 2 years ago. But maybe I will have to. I cannot block him long term as my anxiety about not knowing what he's sending makes me worry about him turning up.
I'm going to get through this.

You WILL get through this! You’re being brave and strong, and it will get better. Hold your nerve.

I now have.a non harassment order in place against my ex as he would inevitably keep contacting me and couldn't detach. He blamed me for everything for a long time, probably still does. You've got some hard work and restraint ahead op to reach indifference.

OP, please call the police.
Hiding out in your shed?!
This man is going to be dangerous.
Please don't become a statistic.

He's gone if he does anything like that again I will call the police.

I got a message from another phone this morning saying

Are you OK? I've broken my phone, smashed my screen so messaging you off someone else's phone.

I like how he put someone else's phone! I didn't reply. But he will have sold his phone. He's not come up to the house or anything. But pro is ill ring the police if anymore money demands etc arrive

He's gone so deep into the drug world now. I dont recognise him anymore. I haven't liked him for a long time but this isn't him now it's a stranger.

But I've kept going ages now haven't I. I'm slowly moving on.

Keep going @A1m52 but bear in mind even when you are not engaging he’s showing no signs of leaving you alone.
It is a nightmare but if it keeps up it’s time to get a new number.

Thank you. The message above about not being a statistic has freaked me out a little.

It will have scared you @A1m52
But you have done really well so far it’s not been easy for you.
Of course people on this thread do have concerns because this man has taken so much of your life already. He’s also in a different world with different rules now and it’s really important that you don’t get dragged into it.
You have so much going for. Your mind sadly has been trained to be 24/7 support for this man and it will take a while to turn that care towards yourself.
Keep doing what your doing, it’s great you have your own home and job, and perhaps reach out a little more to your family and friends.
I would try and change your number though. It’s his way of reaching you now because he clearly uses others’ phones. While these messages arrive, he still lives in your world.

Block the new number.

You deserve to have your kind heart nurtured, not exhausted. At this rate, he will pull both of you down with him. Don't be that person.

Don't hesitate to get the police involved as he sounds unhinged and that could be a danger to you, even if it hasn't done previously.

My way out of this was to literally move away and change my number. If that's at all possible, OP, I'd recommend it. It sounds as though you don't have friends in common that you'd lose by doing that, or who would compromise your security by telling him what you're up to. Capitalise on that, if you can. Just go, and start a new chapter elsewhere. Drawing a line under this one, with no contact, is probably the only way you can really let go of it all.

It's easy to be naive about the risks in this sort of situation. He's not exactly in with a nice crowd, and they're after him. He has always exploited you, so might change his tune when he realises the charm no longer works - perhaps he will try threats at some point. I mean, hopefully you're not in any danger, but if I were you I wouldn't be sticking around waiting to find out.

Please get a new phone number and hopefully you've changed the locks? Including added a lock to the shed?

I'm sorry to have frightened you earlier. Too many men see women as things and can be so dangerous when thwarted

OP there is a scam with worded texts like that I've had them myself and via WhatsApp so just be careful

How are you feeling @A1m52 ?

Hiya. I'm up at half 4 going In early to help. I am mostly OK but struggle with being in the house on my own. I think I Start thinking and remembering the routine and feel lonely. I know its the right thing but I haven't heard nothing for 2 days off any numbers etc and it feels weird. I'll get there though. To think how much its changed since I wrote my post. I never ever have got this far. It is life changing. The fears are still there about how I will cope if I have to deal with any news on death etc. But I have got to keep fighting forward now. I am trying to feel the loneliness and accept it. I have 3 days off after today and I am not looking forward to it at all.

You are doing brilliantly. I know it must be really hard. Try to plan a few treats for your days off.
You deserve them.

His manipulation tactics haven’t worked so he has moved on. It is that simple and for him that quick. You served a purpose, now you are no longer filling that role you have no more use to him.

It will take you longer as you are a decent human being but you will get there.

Plan some new hobbies that get you out and meeting new people. Or restart some old ones.

You’re doing fantastically! Make lots of self care and enjoyable plans for your days off, whatever that looks like for you. I don’t suppose it would be possible to go away for a couple of nights?

struggle with being in the house on my own. I think I start thinking and remembering the routine and feel lonely

I sometimes wonder if a lot of the appeal of being involved with a complete wreckhead is that there's never a dull moment. I don't mean in a "drama queen" way: I just mean it takes our attention away from the real task in life, which is to find something to do with ourselves.

Whenever you "remember the routine" please make sure to also remember that increasingly, what it involved was you taking custody of a more or less unconscious/absent person. (And the good times you had before, up to a point, could well have been a way of grooming you to play that role.)

The trick is to create your own routine, one that makes you feel happy and loved. Because it's a routine with yourself, and you can trust yourself to be nice to you. Treat yourself to things that you enjoy. Building new habits always takes time, but honestly, once you get the hang of it you'll never look back!

(I think I've said this before, but I think women are a bit vulnerable to this "caring" trap as we are probably hardwired to look after a helpless baby... and might not realise, until it's too late, that we have a giant cuckoo in the nest!)

@AcceptAllChanges a cuckoo is a really good analogy - kills off the ‘chicks’ we should be nurturing and had us running ragged feeding it’s never satisfied gaping need.
@A1m52 you are doing so well. Try to remember some of the things you should be investing time in - hobbies, friends, travel - whatever actually nurtures you.

Thank you. On a tea break at last. My brain keeps thinking 2 days of silence after asking for help and he lives a 15 minute walk away and he's not even bothered to knock on the door. But that's not even what I want. I just am seeing properly for the first time how much he has checked out on me. But it is what it is. Its all positive as I can see the truth.