Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

100% I have started noticing my triggers. Quiet days at home. Especially when I'm off work. I will have to go into town tomorrow and pick up a few bits for Christmas. I need to keep in busier environments. Alot of my friends work which makes week days more lonely.

Well done.

He will move on quickly, because he's an arse. It will take you longer, because you're a normal person and you care.

I watched a video on YouTube last night about BPD partners and getting stuck on an ex. It's very much what you said. In the video they said there's absolutely nothing normal about a person saying you are amazing and wonderful and the best thing. Then telling you in the future your horrible, your the worst and they can't stand you. It made so much sense listening to how we get stuck on a BPD ex. Not wanting them back (I'm past wanting the relatiobship) but I'm still distressed.

I half expect him to show up at random. Or appear in a few days with another issue. But I'm going to make the best of my time off.

See this time off as a break. A holiday.

Go out, be out, do things, be energetic, get fresh air and as much sunlight as possible (winter darkness can be very depressing).

Any friends around for coffee during the day?

See a movie in the afternoon. Paddington in Peru was fun. Watch ALL the comedy. Avoid music you'd listen to and things you'd watch together.

Get nice things for your home, some treats, some gorgeous food, flowers, new underwear, different perfume, Christmas decs, scented candles. As in - make home look, feel and smell different.

But careful with alcohol. We do stupid things under the influence.

Love this thank you. Its made me feel more inspired. I may be able to see a friend or 2 for a couple of hours. I hate my brain. Because when I'm sat here alone it starts thinking how nice it felt when I'd come home to someone else. But new routines are needed!

Update. Just got a phone call off him of a new number (genuinely thought it was my manager) as they use various mobiles for work. He asked if it was Katie! He said I've got your package! I said excuse me it's me! He said yeah. I said who's hayley and what package. He said I'm not telling you!

I hung up and blocked..I'll change my number tomorrow. Wtf

WTF indeed. Your response is so much further forward than you were even a couple of days ago. How awesome are you!

Because when I'm sat here alone it starts thinking how nice it felt when I'd come home to someone else.

On the other hand, how nice does it feel to come home and any mess is your mess, your stuff is just where you left it, and your decisions and choices are yours to make? When I miss living alone, it’s this that I miss.

Also it’s important to remember that by letting go of this situation, you’ll be making space eventually to let someone in who will give you the partnership you deserve- and for the wisdom to spot anyone who’s waving (or hiding) a red flag. I’m always really pleased when you remind us how far you’ve come 💪

It really is time to change your number @A1m52
It was like him jangling those house keys. He was trying to mess with your mind and he did. Meanwhile he was in your bloody shed!
He knows full well it was you.
His thinking… I will use another woman’s name. I will mention a package. That will raise her interest.
He can’t even organise a cup of tea never mind act as a flipping Evri courier.
Change your number. He’s not going to stop calling.

He's just playing mind games in the hopes you'll feel jealous and get back in touch. He's trying everything he can to get you to engage so he can put you back in his web.

Good plan to change your number! The sooner he's cut off for good, the better.

I wrote Katie and then accidently wrote hayley the real name he used. Your thinking Evri I was thinking something much dodger based on the other day.

How do I put it into words? He's always been secretive and an arsehole. But he lives a whole new secretive life now. In with dodgy dark people so deep now.

100% it seems weird. The keys. The not knowing its me etc.

In his own way I did think he loved me sort of. But now I just see a heartless bastard.

Omg what was I thinking. How can someone change so quickly.

Let's hope I wake up feeling better as clearly he's busy living a new life..which is fine. As I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty if I "fail" him from now on. His future does not involve me.

I hope you do wake up feeling better. Stay strong 💪

My language in that last post!

I can't thank you all enough for being there for me. Its been such an outlet and the patience you've given me. I would go as far as you've helped me save myself. You really have helped more than I can explain. So thank you for never giving up on me.

Well done for extricating yourself. We are cheering you on!

This!

And in my case I see the person I used to be- I wish I’d been as steadfast as you because it took me three years to leave my toxic situation.

I've been telling myself off since March when his behaviour left me pretty hurt. I knew then it needed to end. Then his daughter vane back into his life and I got false hope. Then in June he went mad! I wanted to find the strength last year too because I saw him on a dating app and it's just indescribable pain when he wasn't interested on sex with me.so it probably took me over 2 years of wanting my brain to make peace with the fact he wasn't long term and all he brought was heartache .

It took me 15 years so you are doing fab!! How dare this man keep placing himself in your life when you have made it clear you don't want him in it. He is blatantly disregarding your wishes. Us strong women do not need a man around, we build friendship circles of strong women, do things that make us happy, work to improve our mental health and find our peace. Once you achieve all this, you'll realise this man is the biggest threat to peace you'll ever entertain, you won't believe you ever did and you'll never entertain anyone like him again. You'll realise the peace of being alone well outweighs the highs and lows of being with someone who lives in constant chaos. Simplify life and be free

Absolutely and I can't describe the annoyance I feel when my logical brain is very much aware I'm disgusted. I dont like it. I hate what he chooses and then in the past (no more) I let him come into my home. Let him eat my food. Drink all my tea and coffee. Use my streaming whilst I'm at work. I've let him enjoy my garden in the summer and all my stuff in general whilst he had nothing.

I sometimes sit and think doesn't he miss me. Doesn't he miss being here and feeling loved and safe. But I honestly think after that phone call he doesn't. He has found something else to fill his time. Can't believe I thought he was lying in bed sad and suicidal for weeks.

Because when I'm sat here alone it starts thinking how nice it felt when I'd come home to someone else

This is why it's so important to start new habits that you enjoy/ Come home to YOU! A person who you can trust to treat you with kindess and respect.

Fuck coming home to someone who was never really there in the first place.

In his own way I did think he loved me sort of. But now I just see a heartless bastard.
Omg what was I thinking. How can someone change so quickly.

He didn't change. You just grew up and stopped believing his bullshit...

Then in June he went mad!
He was always mad. He just hid it better until he had you under his belt and his feet under your table.

Sorry OP, I really don't want to underestimate his potential as a human being. But you have to let go. X

it's just indescribable pain when he wasn't interested on sex with me

this is just like those Magic Eye pictures where you squint and see a completely different picture.

When you actually open your eyes and see what you're looking at (this is not in any way a criticism by the way), you'll spew at the very idea of having sex with him.

You are conditioned to validate yourself in terms of others' approval. You need to grow out of that. I don't mean that badly: I was in my 50s by the time I learned how to do this sincerely! I wish I could wave a wand and have younger women not go through the same shit 😂😬💗

You're doing really well, keep up the good work! By now, in your place, I'd have at least shagged him and given him free access to my credit card 😜

I sometimes sit and think doesn't he miss me. Doesn't he miss being here and feeling loved and safe. But I honestly think after that phone call he doesn't. He has found something else to fill his time. Can't believe I thought he was lying in bed sad and suicidal for weeks.

Trying to understand how he is feeling is a bit like trying to work out how someone with dementia doesn't recognise you.

I was a bit odd in that with my weirdo, I took all the drugs he did, in an effort to understand his world. He was the first person I'd ever met who took a lively attention in me. (I later realised he took a lively attention in everything, because he was bonker and read the entire world in terms of secret patterns...) What I learned was that I could learn things from those experiences, whereas he just got more and more confused and odd.

Edited to add: You're projecting how you would feel, lying in bed alone. He lies in bed alone shitfaced, and that's what happy looks like for him. It's sad, but you can't change it.

Sorry for the barrage of messages! It's just that I can really relate to your situation, and if I can spare you 5 to 10 years of shit, I'd love to do that. But maybe we just have to work our own way through stuff. No judgement.

Coming home to an empty house is hard. It is a cliche but there is something in it. Could you get a cat? Something that deserves your love and will be company for you?

Either a kitten for a rescue older cat - there are always loads looking for new homes.