Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

If he is on your property call the police. How is he messaging you? I thought you blocked him.

Agree call the police. Hes crossed the line so badly you can’t keep letting him harass you

I wasn't able to call them as I was at work and was managing it so he didn't come to where I work.

Nightmare. I'm doing an extra shift tomorrow as I want to keep busy.

This is absolutely horrendous. Please OP you can’t have this.
You need to tell the police and let them deal with him.
He is going to bring you further and further down.
He is bringing trouble to your door and he doesn’t care that he’s doing it.
If he owes money to dealers then they won’t care if they get it from him or you.
This is a really dangerous position to be in.

More hugs! But I agree with pp, it’s time the police moved him on. He is putting you in danger and upping the ante and the pressure on you in order to drag you back into being his cash machine and his personal shopper. This is in addition to him being violent to you the other day. Please don’t let him, please!

Also you gave a very detailed description of those set of keys he had with an unrecognisable address. My first thought was that he had either robbed someone or robbed someone's home. Might be a wild thought but it seemed quite sinister to me.

Op trauma or not you're being a martyr now. I don't know if you're getting relief from his attention or what it is but you need to ask yourself why you continue to entertain this man and address that. I mean this in a tough love sense, keep calling the police and have him removed or spoken to about harassing you, block, ignore and heal. You're keeping this going now and believe me it's not helping him at all.

Presumably you're not still at work.

Call the police now.

Lock the shed.

Leave your phone at home/borrow someone else's for the day/get a new phone/get a new SIM/actually block him properly.

No I'm not getting relief at all. I dont want his chaos around me. I don't want him or a future with him. It made me stressed. The please won't do nothing. I went to the police before. With a long letter of situations and stuff. They did nothing. They get slated here all the time for their lack of care towards mental and emotional abuse. He isn't in my shed now and I don't know where he's gone.

I changed my number last year. Its so complicated to change it again. But I do understand I appear to be making excuses. But I'm not. I don't want to deal with his shit.

He has alot of faults but that wouldn't be his style. This house is nowhere near where he lives and it's located in a new housing estate. Very small..very well hidden. It would be too random for that. But house robbing isn't at all something he'd do.

They will belong to someone as bad as him I think.

hi OP.
I myself, have been a heavy, heavy drug user, cocaine, ketamine and then onto crack.
I have BPD, bipolar 2 anxiety and depression
I have a husband.
I did some things to my husband that I wasn't proud of but I didn't steal, cheat, I held down two jobs until it got very bad.
I ended up in ICU twice in a coma for 8 weeks.
The difference is I STILL loved my husband, this wasn't my personality, I was using this to deal with trauma, I wasn't and I'm not a bad person.
Fortunately I have come through the other side and my husband was there waiting for me and could see this wasn't me and I was "still in there somewhere"
Your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to change or give a shit quite frankly so he should stay blocked.
I changed my whole life for the sake of my marriage because my husband DID mean more than the drugs even though i was addicted I still fought and that is the difference.

Hiya. Thank you and well-done for how far you have come. I'm glad you love your partner and have not mentally tortured him with lies.

I'm not interested in a relationship with him now at all. I had enough in feb when he blew a large amount of money on drugs and lied and cut me off for around 3 weeks. I saw it then and knew I was done but he got more mentally unwell towards may June time. Since then I've backed off in stages and hoped it would result in him sectioned for several weeks whilst his tablets etc were in his body and mentally he was more able to take care of himself. But the mental health services don't really exist. He's not been offered any therapy etc with the bpd etc which shocks me as clearly he needs major support. He is only being seen every 4 months for the tablets and he's abused them anyway. His latest behaviour has made me feel disgusted and I'm trying so hard to just keep busy and let time pass. I'm going into work this morning because I just cannot be at home thinking.

@A1m52
I really really feel for you as nobody and I mean nobody has the right to do this to you and I may sound like a hypocrite saying this as being an ex user myself,
Not only does using drugs ruin your own life but it torments and devastates those around you.
Doesn't he have a CPN or psychiatrist?
Either way this IS NOT on you to help him, you've done your best, it isn't easy getting off drugs and it's the hardest thing being trapped inside your own head but he has gone beyond "mentally unwell" he's gone full blown bastard, he has used and abused you.
I was groomed and abused in the "circles" I was in. You honestly need support for yourself because I can't imagine what you are going through.
I will feel ETERNALLY guilty, sad and awful for what I have put my family through. ( I am going through therapy myself).
That is the difference, if he wanted to change, he would.
I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this
X

@A1m52 You're blaming Mental Health services for not giving him support, it's not his mental health that's the problem. He's a drug abusing manipulator. He needs to take responsibility for himself. Engage with drug support services and get off the drugs before wasting precious mental health services. He's been given prescription medication,he abuses it too. Why should he be given further help when people who genuinely need and want help are having to wait?

Sorry OP but you are making excuses. You should have phoned the police. He should not be able to contact you at all anymore. You can't read blocked messages. Blocking his number means he can't message or call. This part is on you. You need to take responsibility for that too. You say you don't want this chaos in your life but you won't block him.

To be honest though, the divorce rate when one partner suffers from bipolar disorder is upwards of 90%. I think it’s wonderful that you have managed to keep your marriage intact despite a heavy mental health burden- but I doubt the same scenario would apply to OP and boyfriend. Given her posts, it doesn’t seem like the boyfriend is going to get it together or has the capacity to be fair to her when dealing with his own demons.

Hope work is a balm today and you get some respite from this @A1m52

@A1m52 you need to change your number - it will be a minor pain to change your details with anyone that needs to be able to contact you but it will stop him harassing you via message. You clearly can’t stop yourself reading his messages and even if you don’t respond he is still occupying your thoughts. Cut all ties.

He was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago. I thought he was a narcissist. I'm not one of those people who throws that word around. I could see there was something really abnormal and dysfunctional about him. He had no friends. No family. No routine. It sounds daft but one of the earliest things I noticed was he didn't ever go food shopping in a supermarket or buy paint or plants or anything for his home. He claimed to love gardening and plants etc.With him being in his 40s and the men I'd been around growing up I found it so strange that he was acting like a student in many ways.
Then it was all the dysfunction in his family. Crazy ex wife. Two daughters I never met until recently. Ones done with him. Grandkids he's never met. He'd sit and talk to me about his life. Car crashes. Violence. Drugs in the 90s. The rave scene. When we first met he made out he was sheltered with sex women and relationships. But he's slept with loads of women.
I'd never met a person like it. I could pour myself out to you all day about the addictions, mood swings etc.
I'm glad you have found a better life most importantly for yourself. You worked on yourself and had awareness. I'd have given anything to have felt I was truly important and loved. I dont want to dwell too much on whether he used me the whole time. I try tell myself in his own dysfunctional way he did love me a little bit.

I'm not making excuses bpd and bipolar makes people reckless and impulsive. It is a mental health disorder and its been severe enough to ruin his whole life. He's been wrongly diagnosed with depression for years.

The addict in him is because he uses addiction to mask and cope with his dysfunctional brain and the highs and lows and fears and all the rest of it.

He wouldn't have got as bad as he has now if 6 months ago they sectioned him when he was seeing things and hearing voices. But the crises team couldn't come to his house without permission and he fell asleep and was too drowsy to talk. Then the paramedics came out and because he was reasonably OK in that 15 minutes they felt he had capacity and told me to monitor him. It then took 4 months for the appointment.

I'm not defending him. He's still an arsehole. He's still an addict. But he has severe mental health issues that if were treated 20 years ago would have probably changed his life.

I didn't once mention them staying together and OPs boyfriend doesn't have bipolar. He has BPD which I also have alongside BPD.

I know you didn't say that either. Don't worry. It's OK and anything you can share with me will be appreciated. I need people that understand it.

I'm afraid I still think he's a narcissist. He may well have additional mental health issues, as well as the addiction, and his narcissism is very likely the result of a dysfunctional childhood as well but that doesn't change the fact that his behaviour is very narcissistic. And the "crazy ex wife"? hahaha, that's a pretty classic one.

I have said this a 1000 times - the thing about narcissists, particularly covert/vulnerable narcissists, is that if you have one in your life you have to get used to the cognitive dissonance of feeling incredible amounts of pity/sympathy/empathy for them while simultaneously knowing that their behaviour is 100% not okay and that you therefore have to walk away.

100% he's not a nice person. Otherwise he wouldn't have done what he's done to me and the ex before me.

My ex was diagnosed with bipolar at one point because he was completely manic. I've realised over the years he doesn't respond to benzodiazepines the same as other people. The make him manic where most would be sedated. I don't think he has bipolar at all. I do think he's got bpd, though they've now diagnosed autism. Again, when he's at his more sober points, he doesn't really present as autistic either. He was always described as Jekyll and Hyde by people, definitely lots of sides to him, he behaves very similarly to yours. Ultimately after 17 years and realising he needs to stop taking drugs and commit to getting better regardless of what his diagnosis is, and that he'll never do it...I had to cut ties. He is no different 3 years later, he's making his choice. Bpd, bipolar, autism...whatever it is, it's not your responsibility, and when it's dragging you down, you're well within your rights to say you've done all you can for him and walk away. You will not save this man. Ever.