Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

The diagnosis has sent him into a deeper destruction. Now it's just an excuse to blame and accuse me of not understanding. He isn't trying. I had the hope at first. That we would learn and he would hold onto me tighter and work harder. I thought we'd both get into a better place and fully expected he would get support from the mental health team. I expected him to feel greatful that he had a partner who cared. But within days he was being reckless. Tablets were being taken as and when in unsafe amounts. He's done nothing but set fire to our relationship in the last 6 weeks. Lying. Not being honest about what he's doing. Ignoring me. Making me worried. I am angry at him. Because he doesn't deserve me when behind my back he is disrespecting me.
If someone is willing to work on it. It's so different. But as someone else has pointed out somewhere. The disrespect and lying isn't really the illness. It's just him being who he wants to be. So I don't wanna let his illness be a reason to justify the last few weeks. Its horrible what he's done to me. Horrible. I know what he will say to his cousin. She will then tell him all the bad stuff about me but she won't show any of the stuff she's said. She's insane taking him in. Her mum and sisters cut him off years ago. So I don't know how she will manage it all. She has 2 kids aswel. But it's not for me to get mad about. The new me has to detach from it.

you can breath now op.

It sounds like this man and his cousin will meet their chaotic match in each other. Whatever chaos ensues, it’s not your chaos.
Please don’t concern yourself about her opinion of you, or what he does next. To be quite frank, a man in his state living with his female cousin isn’t going to be much of a catch for women who perhaps fancied him at school. They would get a shock to see him in real life now.
What strikes me about him is that not long ago he could not even have a cup of tea, couldn’t go on life, was delusional. But he’s still had the capacity to arrange a new place to live.
He just uses people.
I know it’s really hard but it’s time to let go of the ‘us’ and the hope that had he tried, it could have worked. While he is using, it will never happen, no matter what support is about.
I hope work goes okay.

Do you mean he's leaving his stuff with you?

Don't let him do that.

Hello. My mindset has improved today. Is it temporary? I don't know. But works probably helped. The house was so quiet yesterday I kind of went into a place of pity. I kept crying and laid in bed. I made myself have a quick shower. Washed My hair and went to sit on my favourite bench in the cemetery right at the top. It was so peaceful. I just sat with my thoughts.

I actually had a serious word with myself earlier. I realised I was allowing my emotions to take over and I was almost being spiteful myself by being so horribly opinionated on this next plan and this 2 faced cousin. But I have had time to think and I realised I need to stop being a bitch and having an opinion and giving my opinion. He wants to go to her. He is clearly miserable and the borderline makes him feel intense fear. He's panicked because he's loosing his house and we've gone to shit. So he's clung to her through his biggest fears of being alone without options. He will not and can not tell me the darkest truths he hides. The keys etc. All top secret stuff that he choose over me and would rather loose me over admitting the shit stuff he's been doing behind my back. Stuff I will never know. But he's already being punished for that by the misery he feels.

I agree with what woman would find his lifestyle attractive at this stage. At least when I met him he had a job, house and a dog and a few mates. The fact he doesn't even have a bank account and hasn't got a plan.

I've also decided because I'm a kind and normal person that I want him to be happy and find a new start. I hope it works for him and I'm relieved to have my freedom back.

I get a daily message in my blocked messages saying he is still suicidal. Wants to take all his tablets. Is starving. Is so sad. Has no reason left. But all I keep thinking is you made all your choices and this is the result. It's like what do you want from me. You want me to buy you food and wish you the best when you have completed destroyed me with your choices.

But I have had time to think and I realised I need to stop being a bitch and having an opinion and giving my opinion. He wants to go to her.

Are you drunk, OP? Because I am. No jugement for that. It's Saturday night! 🥳🥳🥳

What do you get out of this in return?

You seem to still be centred on his happiness and not yours.

Fuck him!!! Seriously. Let him get on with his weirdo life.

X

I’m glad you are feeling better @A1m52 The end of such an intense relationship is almost like a bereavement that you need to work through, even if you know it was built on a pack of his lies.
Don’t read his blocked messages (!) the whole point of blocking him is not to give him the head space. When he enters your thoughts either wish him well or tell him to F off but don’t allow him to take up residence.
It’s a positive thing that he’s moving. It will give you some space to rebuild and strengthen yourself until the next person gets fed up of him.
You are doing really well - hope you have a good day.

Stop reading the blocked messages!!!!

He is still hoping to reel you back in, or at least keep the possibility open. It is total manipulation from him.

It sounds good that you’re making space in your thoughts for moving forward. Keep on keeping in!

I do agree with pp though- don’t read the blocked messages. Of course he wants you to go round and be there with money, because you enabled him to do what he wanted. I don’t actually believe that he is writing the truth to you- if he genuinely felt that way he wouldn’t tell you about it. It is manipulation to get you back to the place where you give him money and do what he wants you to do.

as you say, these are choices he has made and continues to make. You can choose something else and it will get better over time, I promise. But let go of the contact, stop reading. It’s making this harder for you.

What the point in blocking his messages if you are going to read them anyway?
Stop focusing on him and his feelings.
Stay strong and don't respond.

Sorry OP, no idea why I thought you were drunk last night, your post makes perfect sense now that I'm sober!!!!!!!!!

What seems to be preoccupying you is (a) how he is feeling and (b) him finding support elsewhere. I'm glad you can feel philosophical about (b), because it really is for the best.

You just need to try, if possible to stop (a)... whenever you find yourself dwelling on his feelings, stop and think: "He's OK, doing what he wants. How am I feeling?"

You need to place yourself, not him, at the centre of your world. Changing habits like this takes time.

Stop reading his blocked messages!!!

Of course he's going to keep trying the same shit habits that worked before. Prod, poke, manipulate. Pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. This is what controllers do.

Of course he is not going to starve if he is living with a relative.

Re his stuff - if it is in your house, it's a constant reminder, a 'maybe he'll come back to it, and to me, maybe he'll come round ...' It needs to be out. Out of sight, out of mind.

I’m a bit confused about how you’re managing to read his blocked messages because if he’s blocked, he can’t message you.

If you're on Android you can, there's a blocked messages folder (for some reason). You don't get notification though of a new message and they're easy to avoid, so not sure why anyone would read them unless they want to.

OP I just read this comment by @Faffertea on another thread, and thought it was relevant to you:

OP I’ve just read your post above mine. The wanting to end his life is classic abuser tactic to shame you/make you feel guilty so you do want he wants. It’s like a toddler having a tantrum to try and get you to do whatever only playing on your socialisation to “be kind.”
People who are actually suicidal don’t use it as a threat or tell people about it. Massive red flag.

Ah ok. I’ve got an iPhone and if someone is blocked they don’t exist.

A blocked messages folder defeats the object really . For me blocking is absolutely the final door being closed.

I've also decided because I'm a kind and normal person that I want him to be happy and find a new start. I hope it works for him and I'm relieved to have my freedom back

This really resonated with me OP. Because I think there’s a lot of ‘kind and normal’ people would genuinely couldn’t give a rats arse what happens to him next and have zero interest in him having a new start. He would cease to exist in many people’s minds especially after the way he’s abused you.

And right now, you don’t have your freedom back because despite him not being here physically, he’s occupying your every thought.

Why is are you still prioritising his happiness and mental health over your own?

How are you doing @A1m52 ?

Hello sorry 2 days ago aload of stuff happened. Wasn't really my fault. It was horrible and stressful!! I'm at a point where i never know what will happen next. Just when i started processing that the whole thing flipped around again.
I understand the don't read blocked messages but it's my fears. I've come to the conclusion blocking doesn't fix me. I can tell you what happened. It isn't about a moment of weakness or me back with him or anything like that.

Sending hugs

As long as you are ok now!

Moving away was a lie
He was hiding in My shed from someone he owed money too.
I got about 30 messages begging for my help whilst at work. Begging me to meet him on my break..I was busy caring for someone and my phone was going and going.

Call the police.

He needs to be removed permanently.

Change your phone number.

He will only bring you down with him. Leave.

Leave what?