He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

See to me he would be now soiled goods, I would make it my mission to ruin his life, it would be like sport.

20k necklace, weirdly I don't think I could get over that. It just seems so personal and loving

I can't see how you could ever, ever believe anything he says again.

OP I think there's no puzzle here. He was obviously obsessed with her and she sounds like a gold digger, a dangerous combination. I would chuck him out on his arse as quickly as possible.

You're wondering where you come into the equation. You don't. He's compartmentalized aspects of his life and priorities and it's all about him, not you.

Well it makes Alan Rickman in Love Actually look like Scrooge doesn't it? How did he pay for it, credit card, joint account? How dare he do this?

He’s now shown his cards.
i wouldn’t tell him you know, get your ducks in a row and get everything you can from a divorce.
Don’t rush it play the longer game if need be well you sort your finances.

dont let him keep anything saying it’ll be your children unless it’s in their name. Take the lot!

Someone said he will get good at hiding funds, now the writing is in the wall. Honestly, financially you might be better splitting now rather than later, a split may be inevitable.

Within his means is beside the point, that’s a flat deposit for one of your kids or uni tuition.

Asking might be easy but why on earth would she return a gift? It's hers.

Rinse him OP.

I don't see how you could ever trust him again. He has totally betrayed you and your family. Spending £20k on a diamond necklace for his dirty tramp mistress...there is no coming back from that. Don't waste any more time with this lying cheating piece of filth. Gather together details of financials/ pensions / assets and go to a solicitor. Take him to the cleaners. I would be demanding that he gets the jewellery back and gives it to you.

This is unforgivable OP. Hold your head up high and take the bastard to the cleaners in the divorce proceedings. Spend your 20k on an amazing lawyer.

I'm sorry @Spikyseason. You are rightly blindsided by this. I think it is going to be very difficult to get over. For me it was the thought of them out having fun whilst I was stuck in doing very boring but necessary household things.

I think you should consider taking control and ending it. You will get through it.

This really is a bitter pill to swallow. How old are your children? Do you work? Have a support network?

I could tell you my story and believe me, I had the last laugh. I didn't have to do anything vicious, karma took over. But I am now a great deal happier and better off than the arsewipe I used to be married to. And his OW, who also liked her trinkets. She demonstrated to him at a later date how little he was worth to her once the novelty had worn off the gifts. I didn't even feel the need to gloat. Didn't feel a thing. I only remember it when I read things like this.

Sigh. One day you might feel as okay as I do. I don't think you will if you stay.

I think I would have a harder time forgiving that than the sex. It is the context that matters with regards to the amount. He doesn’t spend that kind of money on gifts for you so this was an outlandish gift relative to your family budget even if it didn’t cause distress.

That money could have bought your children a car. It is money to support your children at university. It is a betrayal of the family that goes beyond his betrayal of you.

I agree with coldcallerbaiter to some extent. Part of the reconciliation deal would be for me, joint finances joint bank account everything goes there first, and own pocket money account each.

from that i would say we have x pounds each for ourselves, but of his pocket money allocation, he must pay back the 20k at a sum of x per month for y period until it is repaid, into the joint account, because that was an unjustifiable loss to the family wealth.

if he will not agree then you will know his level of remorse.

life is too short for this shit—cut him loose. you will never feel the same about him. he is a cliche. you hold your head high.

20k??

How come you didn't realise the bill was extortionate as soon as you received it???

If 20K is within his means I'd definitely divorce him and take him to the cleaners.....

I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of asking for it back, she won’t, why would she. I don’t want to look at it or see it, to be honest.

Men are quite pathetic at times. He is not calling time on the marriage as he has got comfortable with home\wife\dc etc. He wants to avoid a divorce as it would be a huge change which will impact him hugely BUT he also wants his bit on the side to boost his ego.

But 20K on a necklace is just nuts...

But yeah if you can have 20k on a credit then, yes you should be taking this man to the proverbial cleaners

I see it as 20k that should have been in your dc Uni fund, or house deposit fund.
Tell him you want your half of the value, 10k well spent on a divorce lawyer.

Does she know he's married? It makes no difference to you, I know - but what was the context of the gift to her? A generous present from a loving boyfriend? Or was she taking a mug of a married man for as much as possible?
Regardless, he's let you and your children down very badly, unforgiveably badly. Only you know if you can get past all of it and stay with him. But you know you can never rest easy and trust him again. Not sure I could live with that.

Contact her directly and make it clear it wasn’t his to give away. She needs to return it.

Why would you bother? Is one man really worth it? Women need to wake up and stop forgiving these wankers.