He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Don't be drawn into his delusional game. Withdrawn, make a battle plan, get your pawns in attack formation. Stay calm on the outside.

Here are my terms, this is what I want.. I will not be painted as an over emotional woman. You broke our vows, you treated me with contempt. I am entitled to a fair share of the marital assets. You can deal with my solicitor.

Retreat to the safety of your friend circle or family. Allow your emotions, disappointment to flow.... but don't get angry in public. He let you down, he wasn't the man you thought he was. You were loyal, honest, true.. he broke that bond. This is not on you. Yes, we all have flaws, but he let you down in a way that was, unfortunately, unforgivable.

It’s like he wants to push me into being the one who calls time on it to be honest

He called time on it when he cheated.

Let alone cheated for "a year".

Let alone bought the woman he cheated on you a very extravagant gift worth more than he has ever spent on a gift for you.

Many a person would have ended things when they discovered the affair.

Don't let him make you feel like you are the one calling time.

I'll be honest, I couldn't and wouldn't forgive a cheat but if I was attempting to and it came to light that the cunt had bought a £20k necklace for his fuck on the side when he'd never seen fit to spend anything like that on me would ensure that I never wanted him anywhere near me again to avoid the skin crawl.
How you can stand to be in the same room as this walking fucking cliche is beyond me.

Sorry OP but he didn’t need to, did he ? A twenty grand necklace says it all. How long before you discovered the affair did he give her the gift, because l’m struggling to understand how he could hide a purchase like that, even on a credit card.

Thing is: even if he buys you a £20k gift now, if you later divorce that item will be an asset to be declared on your side of Form E. Just like any other jewellery (yes, including wedding and engagement rings), cars, etc. it's all in the pot for division.

What has he said about this gift?

I'm guessing from things you've said that you are both in your 30's @Spikyseason. Please, please, let your mind float around the idea of being a one parent household. This man is never going to come good. The absolute last thing you want to happen is to feel middle aged, having worked really hard not to not feel bitter, always wondering where he is and what he is doing, only to have the bellend take himself off when he is 50 odd or 60 odd.

Especially if he earns a good amount and you are making sacrifices to facilitate that.

Do not trust him financially. And believe me, all the forensic accountants in the world won't find the money he will hide. You be the one to take control. Rebuild your life now and don't look back.

Ah yes the old "I'll just do lots and lots of little things so when she snaps and dumps me I'll look like the injured party and she'll look insane" trick. Not that an affair or this necklace is little. OP, I think you're going to have to dump him.

No. This would be the death of my marriage.

Firstly, you know he is a liar. He had an affair and would never have told you about it had you not accidentally discovered what was going on.

£20k on a gift of jewellery is so personal. It clearly was an emotional affair as much as a sexual one and I totally get that betrayal would hurt all the more.

What could £20k in savings have done for your children? He put the OW first before all of you. He says he didn't love her but that makes it worse surely, even if you believe him (and you know you can't believe anything he says.) He was prepared to risk his entire family on this woman.

I would have absolutely no respect for him and would never, ever believe a word that came out of his mouth. I would have to walk away.

Did she want him to leave? I don't think you buy a gift of that magnitude unless you are madly in love with a person. Maybe she didn't want him to leave, maybe he stayed for the DC or maybe he came to his senses. If I found out my DH gifted another woman £20k worth of diamonds he wouldn't be my husband anymore and I'd try to get every last penny I could from him in divorce including half of the £20 necklace as he spent joint money on it or I'd buy myself a £20k gift to balance things before I divorced him.

Oh @Spikyseason its so shit isn’t it? 5 months is very early days, I’m 2 years in on a similar journey and still get blindsided by triggers.

Here’s what my H said about splashing extravagant amounts of money on gifts and hotels etc (and the affair in general): it wasn’t about her specifically. It was all about him - how he felt, the validation and ego boost he got from how he saw himself reflected in her eyes, the feel-good factor of acting the “big man” for her and getting her admiration and adoration in response. The affair was a fantasy world where he could be whoever he wanted. It was ALL ABOUT HIM and his infantile need for hero worship. 🙄

Even telling her he loved her (which he did 🤮) wasn’t really about her - he has said she could have been anyone with low enough standards and self-esteem to spend a year fucking a married man. The “I love you” shit was all about him wanting to feel “in love”. Supposedly. Anyway he dumped her pretty bloody quickly when I found out and his little fun fantasy bubble burst. (“A bucket of cold water poured on my head, waking me up” is what he says.)

It sounds like you haven’t yet got the full story - I had that “but it doesn’t add up” feeling early on and yep, sure enough, he was still lying and minimising. I couldn’t even begin to get my head around it until I’d got the whole truth. At a minimum he owes you a full and complete account of everything that happened if he genuinely wants to reconcile.

Anyway this is getting long, and I don’t normally say too much on here because I don’t want MN’s opinions on my choices. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss more.

You are really unnecessarily combative;.

"you're financially illiterate"
Snide, "last word" responses.
Peace out signs.

What do you think your issue is?
Do you think there's a better platform than this thread to work out what your issues are?

Never mind, that would be yet more derailing.

That's not true. Engagement rings are an absolute gift and don't form part of the marital assets. The same is true of other personal gifts.

I understand why you don't want to look at it. He now owes you 20k before the marital assets are split. Can you see a solicitor and get some advice on the next steps. Move quickly and ruthlessly and take him to the cleaners.

I am disgusted by his behaviour. I’m sorry OP you have to go through this. I think the time for surprises is over, whatever else he’s hidden, screw him, time to take control back and make the next move.

Bottom line is your DC deserves that money he spent on his mistress. I hope you chuck him out of the house forever. You and DC deserve much better.

@Ottobeak I am very recently divorced and am a lawyer myself and can assure you that you are wrong. All assets have to be declared in form E. it doesn't matter what was a gift or not. If your husband gives you a valuable painting for a birthday, for example, that's a gift but it's still an asset you own, which is relevant in the assessment of capital. So are engagement and wedding rings. You don't have to "give them back" but their market value (which is far less of course than the price actually paid) is required to be listed in Form E and forms part of your capital.

I’d be absolutely frothing with resentment about this….this is money that could have gone towards his kids

I have a friend who went through something similar. Her H spent their children's entire college fund (we're in the usa so this was $100,000+) on the mistress over a year long affair. They had been together for decades and it was very out of character for him. She did eventually take him back, but only on the condition that she had complete control over all the finances (including all of his earnings) going forward and that he went to individual therapy and couple therapy. He did everything and more to make amends and truly did all the therapy and changes he needed to do and 10 years later they are still married and very happy. It took a huge amount of work on his part and frankly I have never met another man who managed to do what it takes to come back from something like that. Unless your H is willing to do the very very hard work (which it doesn't sound like he is from your brief description), then you need to go for your own mental health and the DC (not great for them to grow up in a dysfunctional household....kids are totally aware of a whole lot more than you think).

It's like the cheating guy in Love Actually. He gave his wife a CD and his secretary a ruby necklace.

Could it have been a final payoff to her?

Also, "I never told her I loved her" is hardly "I wasn't in love with her".

It would be odd to give someone a £20k gift without having told them you loved them.

And they bought it together?! Urgh. He may well have taken leave of his senses but she must be a grasping bitch. Who does that?

When,in the course of the affair, did he buy the necklace? Was it a goodbye / keep quiet gift?

It was a birthday present, not a ‘hush’ present as far as I can tell.

Make him take another £20k and split that between however many DC you have and open ISAs in each of their names. Or make it more than £20k. But put it in the kids' names. Then divorce him.

According to 'I'm a sex worker AMA' on this very site, sex with a "young and beautiful", woman twice a week over one year also costs around 20k . It's probably true that he doesn't love her ; but simply got played by a canny operator. No excuse though. Best to you op.

No I did not!!
like I said, the husband bought it, not the wife!!

my husband can buy whatever he likes with his my, providing he doesn’t ask me for money towards it!!