He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Because in his head, he is Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, and you are Emma Thompson in Love Actually. I hate the twat, and I have never met him.

Please tell me you aren’t thinking of continuing with this reconciliation?

I don't use credit cards.

Thanks for your input and further derail.

I hope I am not misunderstanding your joint wealth...but take this loser to court with a competant lawyer, dance on his porsche with your newly purchased Louboutin heels and live yourself a beautiful life on 50% of his assets.

Your replacement won't last when the shine wears off.

Well good luck when something goes wrong with a large purchase or travel and you are less protected ✌️

What’s your current set up OP? Are you just living together in a weird limbo? When did you find out about the affair in the first place and subsequently the necklace?

Not ever spending that much on gifts for you and clearly caring for her when he has claimed otherwise is all a head fuck.

But what would get me out that door here is that that money could have gone towards uni or a house deposit for your kids. What kind of father blows 20k on a mistress let alone what kind of husband.

Cheating on you is one thing but this is putting a shag above caring for his kids. Fuck that.

If he only ended the affair because you found out, I'm not sure I could trust him ever again. Now adding this on top, I couldn't get over this. He needs to think very hard about what he actually wants, and if it's you then he needs to be completely honest with you about everything and show you he deserves you. I'd also recommend therapy as a couple and individually.

We are living together, found out about the affair 5 months ago but the necklace only this week. He didn’t admit to either, discovered both accidentally.

when I discovered the affair he made out it wasn’t emotional, and this changes things for me, as much as people have said it is just showing off, it doesn’t feel that way. So obviously reconsidering reconciling. He still maintains he didn’t love her. Sorry. Didn’t ‘tell’ her he loved her.

just bought her the fucking hope diamond or whatever.

First there is the betrayal to deal with, the breaking of promises to be faithful. Then there is the desire to know what motivated the affair …what did he find so desirable in another person? How did he behave towards this other person? And then there is the reconciliation. Is it genuine? What has motivated him to stay? Is it a sincere attempt to rebuild a marriage and accept responsibility for what has occurred? And finally there is the realization that the person who has been betrayed doesn’t have much of a voice UNLESS she can reconcile herself to all of the above questions.
£20k is a ridiculous sum to spend on a piece of jewellery and then declare that it was a meaningless gesture devoid of feeling. Whoever your husband is, is quite different to the man he presented as being during your marriage. What people do when they think that they can’t be seen….is who they really are. Be prepared, protect yourself with decent legal advice and then decide what YOU want. Good luck

Fucking hell OP, what a shitbag.

Surely he has some billy big bollocks fancy watch/clothes/golf clubs etc you can take for a trip down to cash converters.

I know it's not about the money per se, it's the fact her bought her something beautiful and romantic, whereas his wife gets a practical coat; but 20k!!

I'd then be marching him into the same jewellery store to buy a bloody amazing eternity ring, and shame him in front of the staff for being such an idiot. They can't have anyone just swing by and drop 20k on a necklace that often, so they must remember him (although it may have been the kind of pricey store where that actually happens regularly I guess!)

Unless you already had hundreds of thousands sitting in an account in just your name I’d need him to send 50k to me now to put in my name. The transaction note would say ‘catching up on past gifts not given’
that would be handy if you left.

Putting aside the extravagant gift to his AP, I find the dynamic that seems to exist following the discovery of his affair to be fucked up;

You seem to feel obliged to accept his adultery if you think he didn't love the person he cheated on you with.

He thinks you are obliged to/likely to.acceot his infidelity if he can convince you he didn't love her; or even throw out technicalities like "I never told her I loved her ...that means I didn't/she didn't think I did". No it doesn't actually.

You could have loved her and not told her. She could have presumed you love her without you saying it explicitly.

But - what does it fucking matter?
Why has he got you ... Or have you got yourself caught on this hook of whether he loved her or not?.

It's a deal breaker whether he did or not.

You don't have to accept it whether he did not not.

He's committed adultery, he's betrayed you, and you have a family together. He lacks the most basic integrity, loyalty and decency. That's what matters.

Why get caught up in the vague, messy, unprovable quagmire of whether he "loved" her or not.
He wants you in that quagmire, you know that.

Cause he's not on the wrong end of a divorce solicitor while you're caught in it.

(Oh and his adultery is actually worse if he didn't love her, because he was prepared to betray his wife and risk his marriage for someone he didn't even love).

It also says a lot about t him that he'd gift an affair partner something vastly worth more than what he'd gift his wife, life partner & mother of his kids.
What does that say about him?

A £20k necklace for the OW is a scam in one of many ways.

First and foremost, DH has scammed you with his infidelity. DH may have been scammed by himself. OW will be taking DH for a ride based on his self-scamming. The jeweller may be taking DH for a ride and by implication OW too by overpricing. The jeweller may have been scammed by the necklace maker who faked the diamonds and/ or the gold, so they bear the loss.

The infidelity scam is the most costly of all. Whether £20, £20,000 or £20m, you have been scammed the most.

You don't even have the hippopotamus worth $1,000,000 which Woody Harrelson had, hypothetically speaking.

I'm sorry OP, I bet you are going through all of the initial heartbreak again! Sending love to you xx

Op you can't believe a word he says.

He didn’t admit to either, discovered both accidentally

Even worse on top of everything else.

He's ok with deception. He has no conscience about it. You might have zero idea what he's doing unless you come across clues. Is that someone you want to continue to hitch your wagon to?

I remember my best friend telling me about a man that was dragged into the car dealership he worked at and forced to buy his wife a car one Christmas Eve after she caught him cheating. I’d be doing similar.

Your husband put it on a credit card so does that mean you’ve both been paying the monthly bill for it?

Buying a 20k necklace as a gift is the actions of a man in love. He’s massively downplaying the depth of this affair to you. I could not reconcile this.

My ex puts everything on his credit then pays it off at the end of the month.
The airmiles are what he's after.

He's a lying cunt. Even if you're millionaires no one buys a necklace that costs £20k for someone they're already fucking unless there's feeling involved.

Sorry.

IMO - OW pushed for this specific gift, to make up for something. It obvious that it’s not what DH would normally splurge.
its mistress finance

Gifts for “not being there” etc It’s part of the deal, she gets money, gifts rent … sooo scabby.

It was emotional. And whether he said he loved her or not- I think it’s safe to say that his actions demonstrated to her that he did. The unpalatable truth is that it’s possible to want 2 different things at the same time and to get different things from both of those. He can love her to some degree and also love you. He could have left you for her but still loved you. Or he could have stayed and still loved her. Life and feelings and people are just not binary no matter how much we would like them to be. I would be interested to know if he really had cut contact with her. After that amount of time I imagine it would be extremely difficult.
I’m sorry you’re in this dreadful situation, OP. It’s such a mess.

How much more is he hiding? He isn’t going to be forthcoming about any of it and he won’t admit he had feelings for her when he obviously did,

Well exactly. I’m trying to work out something that doesn’t make any sense. It’s like he wants to push me into being the one who calls time on it to be honest. None of what he says and does and has done stacks up.