He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

But it's still not within your means if you need to use credit

Of course it is, many people use credit cards to pay for everything and clear them monthly.

We have significant funds, well above 20k, use a credit card to pay for everything….we just transfer the amount to current account each month.

I could easily afford a 20k necklace, not that I’d want one or ever wear one, but I would pay on a credit card just as Ops DH did.

Oh my goodness OP. He actually told you they went into the shop together to choose the necklace?
Surely that image of them together and the way they must have looked to people seeing them there as a couple is enough for you to call your reconciliation off?
That is rubbing his betrayal into your face.

Grounds for divorce.

In all seriousness I’d be even more hurt by something thoughtful and personal than this vulgar thing. Remember in Friends, a character bought a woman a copy of a children’s book she’d been struggling to find? That’s more romantic and loving, arguably.

And she was there and saw the price. It shows he was playing Billy Big Balls to impress her. He didn’t go to the trouble of finding something perfect and meaningful. Instead he picked an expensive thing and stuck his credit card in the machine, job done.

The waste of money is significant. And infuriating. And disrespectful. But I don’t think that this gift proves that he was in love.

I’d leave him yes, but not because I’d think he was in love. A 12+ month affair that only ended because of a stray text would have been the end of the road already.

Yep.

It might be too obvious if he withdrew it from an account you have access to.

I think this would be the end of the marriage for me. There is no way back from that. It's the gesture, the unfairness of blowing £20k on the OW while you were being the dutiful wife and feeling grateful for a new jacket for your birthday. He's an absolute scumbag. I'm sorry and I hope that in a few years time you'll be laughing at him and at this ridiculous situation.

Exactly. What this says to me is that his income is high enough to have a credit limit that high. He’s a big earner.

Before this discovery how had things been going between you. Had you felt like he was really making efforts in your relationship and to make you feel secure. I know that might be difficult to judge now that you’ve seen the statements.

(Sorry to derail: we don't buy anything we can't afford ie that we don't ALREADY have the money for. Everything is bought with a credit card for fraud protection, warranty protection and points/miles. Basically everything we buy is within our means and everything is bought on a credit card that is paid off in full when due - we could pay it off there and then if we wanted to, but can earn interest on our money for 30 days by waiting until payment is due. We don't even have debit cards, just the ATM card.)

i can’t see why you’d stay with him after this.

The marriage between you two is over.

I've had some shitty husbands but that really takes the cake. That would be it for me. I couldnt even look at him any more.

Had you felt like he was really making efforts in your relationship and to make you feel secure

Dear me, the reconciliation robots really do like to focus on the curtains; while the house has been demolished, don't they.

I made a comment insinuating she must have been asking for it as that’s probably all she was interested in (petty, whatever) and he said it was him, his idea, he chose it and he wasn’t thinking.

I don’t know if that just makes it worse to be honest or him just trying to protect his ego so it doesn’t look like he was being used.

“He chose it and he wasn’t thinking”

now that’s a contradiction in itself. He WAS thinking… he’s just pissed he got caught. Complete and utter w**ker if you ask me!

He doesn’t exactly scream ‘Remorseful’, does he?

Honestly OP, I think you need to get your ducks in a row, and jack this bellend of a chap in.

My now ex-DH was like this with his affair partner. The big man with cash - but family money. It was very difficult to get any of the expenditure credited back to me in the divorce financial settlement. Mine spent hundreds to thousands on her for birthday/Xmas. Including a diamond ring and expensive earrings.

Don’t think I could get past this @Spikyseason what a nightmare

I'd not be able to get away quick enough.

You are worth so much more than this man! Child or otherwise - get out. You haven't made this situation - he has. Ask him to leave the house and give you a couple of weeks. Then change the locks and see a solicitor!

Of course he was thinking...thinking about his dick, and his ego. Showing off in front of her, lavishing her with expensive gifts, feeling like the big man.

He sounds like a pompous arse. And like a previous poster said, not very remorseful.

This would be the death knell in the marriage for me.

Whether he can afford it or not, he's married, his money is joint money, and requires joint decisions.

That's a bit difficult when it's an extremely extravagant gift (even for a high earner) for a woman you're cheating on your wife with

And if he was such a high earner, one would imagine he could get his wife and mother of his kids something more than a few hundred quid coat ...in fact the op says he's never spent anything approaching that on a gift for her.

So, affordability or not; it's his priorities and value.

Him saying he wasn't thinking is a cop out. Just think about yourself doing something like that, would you be able to take an affair partner jewellry shopping and spend 20k without thinking?

Incorrect. There are many reasons to pay for things on a credit card, not least buyer protection on a large jewellery purchase. That doesn’t mean it’s beyond your means.
Your debit card doesn’t carry anywhere near the same protection that a credit card does.
You aren’t very financially literate.

Yes, it’s half your money that he has spent as you are married. He might have a sole account, but legally, it is half yours, anyway. As other posters have said, he has taken money which could have been spent on any number of things for you or your DC, and spent it ‘without thinking’ on a diamond necklace for his mistress.
That is astoundingly callous and reckless and indeed, privileged, behaviour.

He's staying with you because he doesn't want to lose half his pension, savings, house etc.

Same reason I imagine you're staying with him.

Just be aware, he might well fall in love with the next one, and he'll have had time to put some of his funds where you won't be able to reach them.