He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I can only echo PP in my outrage on your behalf, OP. Your husband sounds entitled, selfish, and disrespectful- and those are the nicest words I could think of to describe him.

Please know that you don’t have to accept things the way he says- you are a person in your own right. Have you taken legal advice? Would you consider seeing a family law solicitor and finding out exactly where you stand if you were to separate from him? It might be useful in picturing the different scenarios so that you can work out what to do.

I really hope that you can find a way through all this that leaves you feeling satisfied and peaceful.

The more you post OP the more it reads that he’s not truly remorseful and trying his absolute hardest to make amends and make you feel valued and that your marriage is his priority.

Even his comments about not willing to lose his children without firm affirmation that not wanting to lose you as well within the same sentence aren’t exactly a ringing endorsement for your marriage as a whole.

Has he absolutely apologised for his actions, expressed extreme remorse for the harm caused and stated his absolute desire to make amends and expressly stated his love for you? Surely this is key if you are to have any desire to try and move forward?

If he hasn’t then what foundation is there to make another go of this?

You don’t sound confident in his love for you, accepting his actions have obviously thrown a grenade in your marriage. But has he told you he loves you and is desperately sorry etc etc.

How dare he say it's irrelevant?! You have asked because you need to know; your needs are not irrelevant

Also - he's 'decided to stay'
Firstly - does he want a medal?
Secondly - not his fucking decision the arrogant shit!

Of course he's telling you to look forward because he knows he's a cheating fucker and he doesn't want you to keep reminding him of that! He couldn't give a shit how you're feeling and no, he hasn't got a clue how you actually feel because you're not a cheating fucker.

Did you ask (or maybe even beg) him to stay, OP? I had assumed that you threw him out and he’s the one who begged forgiveness and you’re the one who relented and agreed to try and make it work.

But from rereading your posts I see that’s an assumption I made as your posts don’t actually say that.

His comment here makes it sound like he’s doing you a favour by staying with you, not the other way around.

But what is blatantly clear is that you are not ready to put this all behind you and focus on the future, regardless of how much that would suit him. Please don’t be pushed into burying your feelings. Air them as much as you need to. Go back to counselling if needs be. Individual if not couples.

I think whatever you decide the marriage as was is over. The question is do you want a new chapter with this person, who in many ways is not the man you thought you married, or to draw a line under it and go your separate ways? You don’t have to decide that today, or tomorrow. You can stay until you’re ready to leave.

But I would be very clear with him. If he wants the marriage to continue he needs to find a way to make you feel loved and cherished and supported in a loving partnership and not like a domestic appliance or staff.

in the meantime I would take legal advice. You should find out what your options look like.

I'd be tempted to stay, syphon away all his money. Get myself a man on the side and then kick the husband out after 5yrs once I'd accrued enough money to do so.
A nice weekend away and instructions not to discuss his long term straying on his return is all a bit too much and I'm quite a forgiving tolerant person. He is now taking the piss.

Just want to say that the Mumsnet sisterhood is here for you, OP.

You know what you’ve got to do. We will help and support you all the way. There is a fantastic collective wisdom here and together we will outsmart him.

So regarding standing up and taking vows etc, he references that a lot, says he wants to live up to the promises he made etc etc (a bit late but there we are). Says he wants to renew our vows when things are back on track. He said he loved me when we hashed out all those hard questions at the beginning. But say things like ‘of course I love you’ and ‘you’re the mother of my children’. He doesn’t say it on a daily basis.

yes sex has been hard since, or quite often not if you catch my drift! Probably not a problem with OW given they spent days holed up in hotels together. But nonetheless makes me feel totally rubbish. I appreciated it would be more difficult now but would hopefully improve as time went on.

I get the feeling this is more like an obligation at times. I said I felt like I was just expecting him to leave. He said he wouldn’t. Seemed surprised by it to be honest I guess because in his head he’s made his decision hasn’t he and he’s trying despite finding it hard (yes he said that). Then backtracked by saying it was still worth it…!?

and then sometimes things are ok and a big part of me just really wants to move on and feel normal again too, so I’m probably also guilty of not addressing everything as fully as possible.

I guess on some level he does think he’s doing me a favour because he had to give up OW and now he is trapped with his wife and kids so he can ‘live up to his promises’!

Well his vows didn't mean anything to him the first time OP.
Why would " renewing" them be any different?
He's proved himself a liar and a cheat so his vows, along with anything else he says, is meangless.

Ducks in a row time, OP.

1. Is there at least £20-30k in a joint account you can access? If so, transfer it straight to your own account (and tell him why).
2. Collect up financial info and meet with a divorce lawyer.
3. Get ready to get back into work by updating CV, keeping an eye out for opportunities in your industry etc. Don’t actually get a job until the divorce is finalised though in case it reduces your settlement.

it’s in the past and we need to focus on looking to the future

Genius! Why no one though of this before? He should be a psychologist

Even if you decide to turn a blind eye to the way he is because it suits you financially (fair enough) don’t agree to the public vow renewal. People will attend for your sake, but they will feel awkwardness and pity, not optimism and joy. You’re worth more than that.

Do protect your financial future though, in case he meets someone with whom he wants to build a life, and leaves you. That means pensions and savings in your own name, and probably a job even a part time one.

It’s heart breaking to read how difficult it was to have sex with him. I know intimacy has to be part of marriage, but the way you see it as an inevitability, as though it’s something you have to go through to keep him and something you’re obliged to do for him, is upsetting.

From your description of his attitude, it will get to the point when he will think that his staying and mouthing the right words should mean you’ll just shut up and forget about it all. It probably is already getting there. The onus should be on him to make things right for you, not the other way around.

I do feel now like he just settled.
It’s you who has settled OP.

I think you are still reeling from the shock of the necklace discovery. And its taking a while to process the extent of it and you are wisely starting to think about your future options.
You were trying to piece things together for the last five months, but this has rocked you to the core again. I'm so sorry you are going through such a horrible experience. I don't think there's any one way to deal with it. You have to do what seems right to you.
Theres a couple of things which really stand out.
1) "he's done the ‘right’ thing by demonstrating how committed he is to his family,"
He's demonstrating it ... to who.. to you? It sounds like its a bit for show for everyone else doesn't it? He can't accept that he's not the Good Guy. He's lied to you repeatedly, what makes this seem more believable.
2) "He was annoyed he had to move out in the beginning ...but he didn’t actually say this to me" Of course not.. its a play for sympathy, to make sure no one is too sympathetic to you, when he is the real victim.
3) " He says things like ‘It’s in the past’ and reassures me he won’t leave" He is closing down the conversation, and gaslight you. The reasoning is if its in the past what have you got to keep going on about it is the subtext
4) "He doesn’t seem to understand why it would make a difference to me how he felt for her because he is staying and is now ‘committed’.
Again. He would have to be a simpleton not to have a grain of understanding about how hurt you are or simply he doesn't care because he is the self sacrificing and most important person. He pretends not to understand because its a device to close down the subject. He simply doesn't want to hear about your feelings at all. His feelings and sacrifice are the only important ones.
5) "He can’t see that not being absolutely honest (is)storing trouble for the future... it’s all still based on lies if he isn’t being honest now ... he thinks he’s told me everything he needed to)
Of course he does think that! You've clearly spotted, amid all the flannel he packages things up in, pretending to be discussing and reasonable, whilst still trying to shut you down. that its all still based on lies.

OP I may be completely over thinking this but I think this move back and the trying again attempt, the playing the good guy in front of family is all an act, as you've spotted, he appears not to have any thought for the future as the DC get older. He was annoyed to have left the house, because he's realised how much he stands to lose in a divorce, so he's been advised to live at home again.

Why do I think this? because of the way he has hidden his finances from you for all these years. He is secretive and he's been running this show all the time. I also think that the necklace issue could also be explained by him trying to hide assets, perhaps they were in the jewellry shop and he said, may as well buy this before all my cash goes in the divorce. You've been more or less the full time parent whilst he built his career, but I bet you'll find him asking for 50/50 custody, as a bargaining tool.

I really hope I am wrong but I think you should proceed with extreme caution and make sure you get the legal advice to protect yourself and your children as much as possible. He's more interested in living the high life than ensuring your DC's future. You've seen it. Believe it. You have been the one who has made sacrifices, not him. In the meantime, think about the good things that you can do for yourself and DC in the future. Be very kind to yourself and don't let yourself be browbeaten. You and your DC will get through this.

This paragraph OP:

“yes sex has been hard since, or quite often not if you catch my drift! Probably not a problem with OW given they spent days holed up in hotels together. But nonetheless makes me feel totally rubbish. I appreciated it would be more difficult now but would hopefully improve as time went on.”

I could not cope with this. Don’t do this to yourself. Find your pride and self-respect. I find it heartbreaking you hoping he’ll want you again in time. Let him go to her. And make sure you have a great solicitor and get everything you are entitled to.

You deserve so much better than this.

It’s difficult OP, but the more I read your thread the more I sense that yes, he is staying physically but he’s not there emotionally. If he wants it to work he has to be invested in making your lives together special, not just resigning himself to each day with a laboured sense of duty.
What is the main reason you want him to stay, I totally get the not wanting to let the other woman win … I’ve been there, but sometimes winning is not the victory it seems. Is it simply easier to let him stay than to let him go? Do you feel you love him and couldn’t live a moment without him?
If you said you were leaving, would he fight for you, do everything within his power to get you to stay, I don’t mean just words I mean would he be broken.
It’s not enough that he is staying for the children, you need a home where there’s laughter and fun and living!
Not a monotonous drudge of duty.

I guess despite everything I don’t want to be alone. He’s all I’ve known. Not every day is hard, or wasn’t before this and I suppose I hope it can be like that again. I genuinely don’t think I can cope on my own.

"he does think he’s doing me a favour because he had to give up OW and now he is trapped with his wife and kids so he can ‘live up to his promises’!"

Or did she dump him.. and he wants to appear like The Good Guy to all and sundry. Or is he doing it whilst he gets his own ducks in a row, and then make you take the guilt when he leaves again.
Then he can say... Well I tried to make it work. I offered to renew our vows (That is all part of the "show and tell" plane he operates in. He wants to "demonstrate" to his public that he tried)
When he could just actually, I don't know, try.

Ain't he the saintly one, "living up to his promises"

I'm so sorry to say it OP and as I say, I could be wrong, but if his attempts were genuine, he wouldn't be giving off the vibes that 'he's trapped." and it was such an enormous sacrifice on his part to stay with his wife and family. he'd be talking about how glad he was you took him back and how much he values you.

Even if he believes his own protestations, it surely can't be sustainable long term with the attitude he's displaying. Sorry OP. x

While he may not be feeling guilt and shame, his dick clearly does.

Ha - maybe malfunctioned due to overuse… could be what happens when you use it as a navigation system… twat nav! 🙈

And I guess he knows that OP, you just sound like such a nice person and it’s so sad that you’re seemingly having to accept life on his terms.
Maybe if you did take courage and say you wanted a divorce he would realise how much he actually wants to be with you and it would turn things around, I truly don’t know.
I think the discovery of the £20.000 gift has changed things and I fear there’s no going back from it.
Do you have family and friends who can help you through this if you do separate, at least financially you sound secure. You are young with your life ahead don’t just give in, you deserve someone who loves and treasures you, and values you, there’s nothing worse that looking back in years to come and wishing you’d be brave.
I really do wish you all the best, you’re in a very difficult place.

Surely this man wants to “work on things” because he doesn't want to divorce you, as that would lose him a lot of money?
Just divorce him, take half his assets and buy yourself a 30k necklace.

I've read this thread with huge sympathy @Spikyseason

When your not-so-D H says "I never told her I loved her" he is prevaricating. He is splitting hairs, and trying to weasel out of the situation. I had a boyfriend who talked to me a lot about marriage, but when it came down to it, he backed out. His excise was "I never asked you to marry me." It was a cowardly get out to absolve himself of any responsibility for the emotional bond.

I think those PPs advising you to "get your ducks in a row" are spot on. And yes, transfer £20,000 to your personal account.

You say it's better for your DC to have 2 parents, but children pick up when a parent is straying even if they don't realise the actual affair. Children with emotionally disengaged parents can be affected for life: your husband has clearly looked beyond his marriage, and children can feel this as a betrayal of the family, even if he rationalises it as a betrayal just (!) of you. His DC will see it as a betrayal of them and the family unit.

He's a pathetic man trying to buy a woman's attention.

He is NOT your friend.