He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Have been following this OP - just wanted to say thinking of you and wishing you well.

You've had a lot of advice. Remember you don't need to decide anything immediately.

Some things might be a good idea to do now as part of information gathering purposes (going to a lawyer) even if you don't do anything else at all or act on the advice. Just information to store.

These are other things I'd do which may or may not resonate with you.

I'd try writing out a few paragraphs of what I wanted my life to look like in five/ten however many years. What's my ideal scenario and work back from that in terms of steps I need to take.

I'd try to limit it to things I have control over even if they're somewhat fanciful rather than, for example, things I don't (i.e. my husband stays and never does this again.) Things you personally would be happy with and want to achieve/experience/do regardless of where your are with your husband.

I think I'd also spend a bit of time thinking about how I'd feel in five, ten however many years if I'd stayed and he'd done it again.

I have never been in your situation. The time between primary school and the end of A-levels flew by for us as a family and I can see how it might be tempting to stick it out until your children are through school both for practical reasons and on the basis you're tossing a coin that this is a turning point in your relationship and it can recover. Kind of the Esther Perel idea that the first marriage ends but the second one begins.

One thing to consider with such a choice is financially I am not sure the arrangement works out as well if the children are grown (and I don't know how old you are and how close that might put you to retirement or an awkward age to try to get employment going to bridge the gap to retirement.) I'd ask the lawyer about this, if you go.

The thing about working etc is you are doing something for yourself not just to protect yourself financially.

Best of wishes to you OP.

On the Esther Perel point - lots of people hate her on here and I can see why. I do get that she's polarising. I am not a supporter of hers as such but when I am at a crossroads I personally find it helpful to hear a wide range of thoughts on things. Maybe that's why you posted here too? If you've no experience of her podcasts you could take a look on Spotify. She has talks with couples that have ended up not staying together as well as those who found a way forward.

Yes every update you post OP is really heartbreaking.
He really is arrogant. He thought is was unreasonable for you to ask him to move out and had the audacity to complain to someone that he had to? So he really doesn't think he has done anything wrong and he is bad mouthing you to other people?

I really don't see how you can have any peace of mind going forward if you stay with him. I don't think his relationship with the OW is over. And even if it is he will find a replacement. Because he seems to resent the fact that he married you and that he feels he deserves " better" . I think if it weren't for the financial hit of divorce he wouldn't even be going through the motions of reconciliation.

You are worth so much more than this OP. You deserve peace of mind and you deserve happiness. Now you have discovered who you are really married to you will never find that with him. Staying with him for the children's sake will destroy you and will not help them.

@TheTaupeHedgehog I once read a beautiful piece of writing from someone with a terminal illness that suggested living life as if it was starting only from the day you were in. Looking around and seeing what you had, where you were, what brought you joy and what didn’t and then moving towards the joy without any fear of the past or the future

Please do that. You are still young enough to have options and to find true happiness. How he has behaved isn’t the sum of you.
Tell your kids, not for their anger at him but for their support of the new life you will lead. You CAN be happy and find that confidence and joy.

I posted yesterday but didn't share my experience.....you say you don't want her to win and she will be in the children's lives if you ask him to leave, and I can empathise. But think longer term.

Exactly the same thing happened to me many years ago when my children were tiny. He had an affair with a very attractive colleague who earned more than him. I was a SAHM, my daughter was a toddler and son 5. I was trying to lose a bit of post baby weight and my confidence was low.

I found out very like you, and after a lot of thought told him to go. He sounds very like your OH. He moved in with glamorous colleague and they lived the high life putting on a show at weekends with the children while I had the day to day bringing them up on very little income. I was the person who disciplined them while ex got to do all the fun things at weekends.

I trained and got a full time job with the support of my mum. My ex had a child with glamorous colleague and decided she wasn't so glamorous and had another affair. She stayed with him. I met a wonderful man and we have a son together along with my older 2.

Ex is still exactly the same, only 20 years older, new wife obviously has settled for that, but OP that's what's ahead for you. He's not being truthful, you didn't know about this huge present, and he thinks now he's said its over you should be happy!

Don't let him paint over these cracks, think what your life is going to be like in 10 years if you do, life is far too short to think she's won, let her win as she's won nothing more than a lying cheat, and long term you will be the winner.

Sorry dipping in and out as have a lot on today but I appreciate the recent posts. I said we needed to properly talk about this when he got back and he said however he may have felt is irrelevant because he decided to stay and although he understands how I’m feeling, it’s in the past and we need to focus on looking to the future 😕

Have just read all of your posts.

This will never improve. He has proved he is a liar who doesn't value you. Time to set him free.

DH has a friend who did this. He moved overseas and his ex wife brought up the children single handed. She did a fantastic job. We rarely see him now and have a very low opinion of him.

Do what is right for you. You will never get your head around this.

He's minimising your feelings.

If he wanted it to work he would be busting a gut to make things better. He doesn't care. Take control of the situation.

What a complete dick.

Hes ordering you to feel how he is telling you to feel. Blackmailing you into feeling positive about the future? Failing to validate your feelings of betrayal? And disgust?

Has he always been this controlling?

He sounds like a right one. Do him. Take him to the cleaners.

And your response @Spikyseason could be ‘I want to know whether you view this as an arrangement for the kids, or something else. One reason I’m curious is because, regardless of the affair itself, it’s shown me that you have always brought me practical things for my birthday but on this occasion you bought someone else a high value, frivolous item which suggests you put them on a pedestal and viewed them in a different way to me, the mother of your children. I am concerned about that as you don’t ever seem to have treated me that way’ - you need this info to decide if you want to carry on (I don’t think I would in your shoes).

Sorry but he's talking shite. Let's talk about the future as its too uncomfortable for me to talk about important stuff.

It's too uncomfortable for me to approach OW to ask about the huge present (I understand it's not the money but what it represents, but he's taking her bloody feelings into consideration)

Sorry, I'm just angry on your behalf, and still think he's painting over cracks and to be honest if he's not addressing it properly I can see him either seeing her again or someone else as he seems to be able to separate his home and social life very easily.

That said you have children and you love him so it's not easy, I think folk are being little blunt, me included as we've been there, but only you can make the right decision for you. Huge hugs

Did you ever watch any Ester Perel OP?

affairs she says, aren’t about you, it’s about the other person who has lost their sense of who they are. He wanted to believe for a moment that he was all powerful with this woman, that he could somehow win her over with money, flattery, gestures etc.

presumably his infatuation was huge.

he would stop at nothing to get her, consume her, own her. It’s such a primal old school patriarchal way of thinking.

as the mother if his kids, to a man this unevovled, he could never view you through the same lens. He already ‘owns’ you, he’s married to you.

Often these types are motivated by loss.

You can’t win with a man like this. He’s too archaic, too unevolved in his emotional journey to even begin to understand a) why he had the affair and b) how to meet your needs.

Would he go to couples counselling. He needs to admit he’s been reckless and look it in the face and find out why. What in his life was missing that he thought an affair would be a good idea?

Again it’s not you. It’s not your fault. It’s on him to do the work and discover this.

It’s not on you to ‘focus on the future, sweep it under carpet and pretend it didn’t happen.

it’s on him to evolve into a better human being so you can stay together. Not on you to paper over the cracks that he created. Make him do some work for once. Internal work.

Oh OP, everyone advising you with their own experiences and now him telling you what to think with no room at all for your own feelings which he has conveniently written off.
So overwhelming for you.

He sounds as if he thinks he’s your boss or your head teacher instead of your life partner. Sounds as if he really doesn’t know how to be a decent husband, just how to be the big man making money to attract a lover with his diamonds.

He has very little humility it seems, while you on the other hand deserve so much more than what he thinks is ok for you.

Don’t be scared of him OP. You have the upper hand in fact. He desperately wants to keep you in place …. I think he’s terrified you will want to divorce him and spoil his perfect little boss man set up.

Whether you leave him or not, he has a lot of work to do on himself. He just hasn’t realised it yet.

He claims that he's now committed to your marriage, but when you got married (presuming here you didn't elope) he stood up in front of all your friends and family in a room/church and made several solemn promises to commit to you and he hasn't followed through on that, so how can you place any weight on what he is saying now. Actions speak louder than words and he doesn't seem to be doing all he can to prove himself worthy of your forgiveness.
Allow yourself the time and space to work out what it is you want for your future.

Wow! What an arrogant piece of shit!
He actually thinks you should be fucking grateful that he stayed. Who the fuck does this 'man' think he is?
Find your roar op, find it fast!

Agree with PP.

He thinks you should be grateful he ‘chose you’ and that you should shut up now. He’s never going to be able to make this up to you because he doesn’t really think he’s in the wrong. He thinks he’s done you a favour.

How sure are you that it’s over with them? How tempted are you to ask her about their relationship? Is there anything he could say about that necklace to make you feel better? (If it is a necklace. Could it have been an engagement ring if she didn’t know he was married?)

Have you had much time away on your own to think about what you want from life and what you want to do? If not, I think maybe you could do with that.

💐

Yup. It is too expensive for him to divorce now. And, he’ll probably continue seeing OW on the side. OP, get out of this marriage now. Focus on the future? That’s a convenient way of saying, oh, pretend this terrible betrayal didn’t happen.

I think my response to this utter arrogance would be that he may have decided to stay, but YOU very much have not at this stage. I imagine it will come as a huge surprise to him that this would be in question.

I agree.

The power dynamic seems totally unequal in this relationship.

He seems like a narcissist, sociopathic or something, who knows.

His integrity and loyalty is non existent.

His attitude seems to be "I'll do what I like, and you're lucky if I give you any concessions".

He's done something that's a total deal breaker to you, but expects you to just take it ...and you seem to accept that as long as you think he didn't love the other woman and presumably isn't going to leave. But you don't either is the case.

I don't see this working out well for you because of his arrogant, incredibly selfish, high handed, contemptuous, taking you for granted etc attitude (that's an understatement) that is not charging at all.

What would you advise your sister/daughter/best friend to do if she was in your situation?

You can't focus on the future until you have had full transparency on what has happened in the past. Otherwise, you'll always be waiting for the next thing to come out, and it will all be fresh again.

You are being managed OP. You get to decide what happens next not him. How dare he tell you how it's going to be. It's been months now and he still will not take proper accountability for his actions. His so what attitude stinks and does not bode well for the future. Take back your power. You might not feel up to it yet but you will find your strength

Agree with this.

OP - he's telling you what to feel, what to think, how you should behave purely on the arrogant assumption that he can do want he wants and you are not allowed a single squeak in protest. He's telling you, loud and clear, to get back in your fucking box and shut up.

The real question is this - are you going to climb out of that box to at least be an equal in this relationship?

He doesn't sound like he's listening to how this has made you feel. It sounds like he's shutting it down by saying 'it's in the past' but this new revelation is in the here and now for you. This isn't past information. This is brand new information you're dealing with. It happened to him a long time ago. But it's happening to you now.

If he can't allow you to work this through in your present then what else is he going to close down in the future because he's ashamed of it or he's trying to ignore it?

Well at least he's been kind/dumb enough to lay it out in black and white for you. He wants (expects?) the whole thing to be forgotten and for you to be grateful about it. So, is this what you want? Your feelings dismissed and minimised so he can carry on after eating his cake?

Take the kids out of this - as dozens of threads on here will vouch, they will pick up on this in the near future.