He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

It's not all up to him OP. You can decide what happens next. You don't just have to accept what he wants or says.

@Spikyseason there's a strong possibility that when the kids are old enough that he will then leave and he will feel justified that he's "done right by his family" as they will be adults.

Only you can decide if YOU want this from your relationship and if it's acceptable to you for the next 10 years.
As I said up thread get yourself in a better position so you can make a choice. Set your life up with a fall back get into a career etc.

He seems to be acting like a petulant child dragging his heels! It seems like in the counselling that he has not taken on board any of your feelings of betrayal, abandonment , distress… I could go on. These are not feelings you can compartmentalise and it sounds like you are going though a lot of inner turmoil as you can’t show it to him as he will get angry again. I really thing you need to speak to a counsellor as a first step just for you. They will help navigate your feelings. It sounds like he thought he’s been a naughty boy, he’s taken his punishment and now you need to stop going on about it! I don’t think this btw, it’s a big, hurtful and massive thing. It’s so sad that the wronged party has to endure this as well as the mentally torturing thoughts. Be kind to yourself op and take small steps.

It does read as though he feels he is doing you a favour/that you are meant to feel grateful that he has stayed for the children. What I am picking up is a huge power imbalance - one where he feels he has it all.

The more of you posts that I read, the more I feel you - and your children - would be better off if you separated. Being divorced would likely reflect poorly on him professionally, esp if his having an affair to cause it came to light. I m inferring that his construction of his identity is based on how others perceive him - good at his job, great dad, financially successful etc and this may also have fed the shopping/necklace purchase. If you divorce him and he only has his kids every other weekend (after all with those long hours he can hardly have FT care of his kids 50% of the time, so no family court would award him shared custody on that basis) this will shatter both his self image and the one he projects to the outside world.

I think he is a damaged and possibly somewhat narcissistic personality (and I mean that in the clinical psychology sense, not the bash the husband one). I would not want him in my home shaping my children because his associated behaviours (not wanting to be inconvenienced by them on FAMILY holidays so hiring someone to look after them for example) will absolutely damage your DC’s self esteem. They will know he is not engaged. He does NOT sound like a good dad, just a good provider.

I think if you stay together, the only person who benefits is your DH, long term. You will always be financially vulnerable because he could have an affair again, and when the children are older you will have less bargaining power in the courts when dividing assets.

I care what happens to her.

I think he's possibly going to leave her sooner or later

If not for this woman, for another.

And he'll be prepared, while op will not be.

I wouldn't want to see her in that situation.

Your assumptions about people are wrong.

(And I doubt there's any way of getting that jewellery back. It was a gift).

I have been married for 36 years. I left my town and moved 300 miles to be with my husband who was from this area. His first affair I discovered when our first child was 6 weeks old. I had nowhere to turn. He was the only support I had. We carried on. He has had maybe 7 affairs. That I know of. Only one seemed to be someone he really wanted to be with.
Each affair has taken a piece of me away. It has changed who I am in so many ways Quietly I lack a lot of self confidence and any feeling of being worthy of being me.

We have had a good enough life.
Comfortable. He has been a good dad. We both put the children first.
The children are happy grown up and married and as far as I know non the wiser. I do know as adults, they would be very unhappy if they knew I had stayed for them and had this life.

I did ask for a divorce once but that ended up not happening. He is coming up to retirement age. We will be comfortable, but I am very unsure how it will be. I don’t always like being with him.
I am 60 years old. I read your messages and I feel so very sad. You are having such an awful time whilst trying to keep things normal for your young children, protecting them.
I always stayed for the children.

Whilst in so many ways I have had a good life my regret is, I stayed. I have no idea if my life would have been better or worse if we had divorced.
One of the other women, someone he knew at school and reconnected with, is still around in the background. I think he talks to her very occasionally and I know he went to see her when I was away.in the summer. When I found out. I almost wasn’t bothered. I was angry he was being pathetic and obvious.
From the outside we look like we have a good marriage and everyone thinks he is a great guy. We are ace actors when going through it.
He always says it’s the lack of intimacy, that is why he does it. I think it’s him. We could have had a perfect sex life and it would have been another reason. He was never faithful to girlfriends growing up. I believe it’s a lack of something in him, that he needs validation and being told he is marvellous. Anyway this isn’t about all the whys of him.

You are reeling from this.

Reach out for support, get counselling just for you.
Divorcing ,won’t be easy, there will be really tough times ahead. You can and will survive this and come out the other side. Your life won’t be what you thought it was going to be a year ago. But it will be your life, your choices for yourself and your children.

Please don’t get to 60 and regret your life. Don’t let this define who you are.

I'm so sorry but I really don't think the marriage will last even if you try and make a go of it 'for the kids'. He has told you in his actions and unguarded words that really he only cares about the children (not enough to avoid having an affair but you know what I mean).

If you stumble through until the kids are older and he leaves you anyway you will have wasted so many good years. He may say he is in this for the long run but how can you trust him now? He is probably never going to admit to no longer being in love with you while there is a chance of an easy life seeing the kids full time and you there for sex when you 'get over it'.

It's so shitty. He is making you come to the inevitable decision to end the marriage so he isn't the one solely to blame (as he sees it - the reality is it's all on him and his behaviour).

@thetaupehedgehog That is so, so,sad to read . Don't you fancy a fling to even things up a bit? Not an ideal solution but it may give your self esteem a boost. These poor men all needing validation i wonder how they fair when on the receiving end of it.

This all serves him fine doesn’t it!
You say you don’t want the OW to ‘win’ and I get this mentality.
But really what has she ‘won’? . A disrespectful, lying, dishonest prat who throws his money around on things to try and impress.
If you divorce him - you win the ultimate prize. A loving relationship with your kids, freedom, financial freedom, peace of mind, self respect , opportunity to move on find someone else (if you want to) , create your own life free of this thoughtless POS.
Don’t make his life convenient , at the price of your freedom.

This is so sad. I’m so sorry you have been through this. I can see how you have got to this point and now probably feel the upheaval of divorce and the truths coming out would create more unhappiness for more people, but I really hope you yourself can find happiness, because you fully, totally deserve it. You only get one life and your children may be upset but I’m sure they would want you to ‘live your best life’ as the saying goes, especially after everything you have had to put up with to ensure the family unit stayed together.

People will agree and disagree with this but it is the choice you made many years ago and you cannot change it now, but you can have a happier life going forward and put yourself first for a change. I hope you are able to leave him and build a comfortable and much happier life for yourself.

All the very best 💐

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

It does sound like he views you as the person who he settled/settled down with to have children and that is the reason to stay with you, to have the convenience of the wife/kids/house and all the domestic stuff neatly packaged and compartmentalised for him.
Having a lovely mistress is the cherry on the top.
Everyone in his life is there to make him feel good.
That's why he's confused as to why you might be upset about this, he doesn't see you as a person like he is, you are just a facilitator.

Personally I would divorce now not just for your peace of mind, but practically if you divorce now you get a more equal share of the assets, he will presumably want the children some weekends which means you get a break and the chance to date/socialise etc, you can go back to work and develop your career so you have a reasonable pension.

If you stay if sounds very likely you will have out grown your use once the children are older and he'll cut you free or he'll just carry on with the affairs.
I would think hard about the affect staying in a marriage like that will have on you, unless you think maybe taking your own lover would get you through it.

My DM stayed with my DF because of us kids, apparently. I now have her at a very old age saying how much better it was after he passed away and all sorts of other things, that are quite hard to hear.

My other pal left her abusive husband at 60, mainly because he said she'd not manage and went on to have a fantastic life (things like volunteer of the year, nice lunches with friends she'd made in her new life, etc) for the next 35 years.

Retirement can be very long indeed, best to do it alone, so you can make it as you want it or with good company.

I'm really sad to read your latest update. He isn't even letting you heal from what he has done.

Visually it is like he has cut your arm open with a knife and now won't let you have stitches, because they take too long and are too difficult, instead he has stuck a plaster over it and made you pull down your sleeve. Because to him that is enough.

It will never heal from the outside, the stitches are needed to knot you back together because the only way this marriage can continue is if you work together to heal, people live with scars, they die from wounds.

When did we set the bar so low for men? I get the I don't want OW to win but in reality she already has. He's given her everything he's never given to you, fun time spent together, hotel stays, expensive meals, lavish sentimental gifts he's picked just for her, while you're at home getting the scraps he offers you, he's already told you he's basically only with you for the kids. He's been drip feeding you all the info on his affair so when you do find out about things he's done/felt he can minimise them. If you put everything together all at once I'm sure you'd find the blow devastating. Kids will pick up on it all no matter how much you try to hide it from them. Why would you want to be with a man that disrespects you so much, that you'll always have that seed of doubt about his loyalty to you, that you have to check up on, that's no life to live. He's still calling all the shots and you're being dragged along with him. There will be someone else out there that will treat you as his number one that will be a loyal husband that will treat you respectfully and love you unconditionally, you don't have to settle for less like your husband seems to have. Personally I'd divorce him.

@AllHisCaterpillarFriends beautifully explained.

OP this is an awful situation to be in and right now, it must be completely overwhelming. I just want to share my story as I feel I reacted like you after my exH first affair. I stayed for my son the first time. He had no idea, we had counselling, patched things up, even had another child. Being honest, I was scared to leave the first time. He earned so much more than me, i didn't want to be alone (the affair destroyed the small amount of confidence i had) and the thought of my child coming from a broken home was just something I couldn't put me and them through. My parents divorced and I was horrendous and I promised myself I'd never do that to my kids.
Anyway, to cut a long story short you probably realised I called him my ExH... I discovered affair number 3, 5 years ago. I originally did try to see if we could get over it but I just couldn't. I knew I had to leave. I would be up all night, in bits, knowing I was about to blow up my kids' world as, they again, had no idea. I was a great actor. But I did it... the first couple of years were very very difficult, covid happened weeks after he moved out, nearly lost a family member and exh set out to destroy me. He got the family home, I ended up in debt...
But here we are 5 years later. I have my own home, I've had 3 promotions and can support myself and my children. The kids are genuinely happy and thriving, and I'm not just saying that! Life at their dad's is a bit of a shit show as he's made some terrible choices, but life here with me, is pretty bloody great! (Oh and I met someone else... this has been eye opening as it made me realise what being truly loved is meant to feel like.)
So OP, take your time but please try to bear in mind that although leaving is terrifying, you only get one life and if you leave, you yet to shape that life.

If your kids are in school, I'd go back to work ASAP. You may be due things in a divorce but I have a freind staying in my back room without her kids, due things from a divorce, who doesn't have ready cash to even to initiate the divorce and no recent work history to easily get a job. At least start squirreling away money into a separate savings account and start looking for work. Because once it goes tits, there's no guarantees of anything, not him being decent with you financially, nothing

Lawyer up OP. His behaviour is awful - so dismissive of your feelings. I would be incandescent with rage in your shoes.

The wanting the truth is the red herring when the reality is that you do not trust him. What is the truth from a man who has already committed the ultimate lie. There is no amount of truth that can rebuild trust, as there will always be something he leaves out or you will believe there's more. Trust after the event comes from his remorse or a leap of faith from you and ultimately the only question you need answering is can you see yourself ever trusting him again.

Think about what you want to do with your life after the kids are grown. Then take steps towards that now while you have the full advantage of his money. Get a degree, get small volunteer roles heading towards your goal, figure out steps you can take for yourself. Figure out who you are and who you want to be outside of your marriage. Counseling for sure.

Ignore him while coexisting, focus on yourself and your children. Stop making him the center of everything.

I'm so sorry OP. Your posts are heartbreaking to read.
Please don't spend this weekend trying to find out more. He's shown you who he is, believe him. The only person he loves is himself. He sounds incredible arrogant and self absorbed. How dare he expect you to just get on with it!
You are not the inadequate one, he is. You aren't the one who isn't good enough, HE IS.
He is a shit husband and a shit father.
I disagree that he has 'settled' for you. I just think he's a narcissist who is incapable of putting anyone before himself, including his children on family holidays. He hasn't left already because it will harm his status. You deserve so much more than his crumbs op. I know it's easy to say from the outside looking in, but you should end this soon before it happens again. You'll get a better settlement while the kids are young.

As a lawyer, this is not true.

Also, everyone encouraging OP to get back to work - this may well not be in her interests in the event of divorce. I do agree that she might like to look into courses or a degree etc though, for her own development and self esteem.

OP, he is 100% about him and what suits him.
You need to think about your future because you will not be growing old with him.
He has one leg out the door.
The first cheat is the hardest, then it is more of the same.
He will be opportunistic in future.
He wants stability now for him, not you.
He doesn't care enough about you to be remorseful.
This is just an exercise in maintaining a facade until it no longer suits him to do so.

Don't be a pawn. Get advice and get planning.
Get therapy for yourself and work on detaching emotional from him.
Stop having sex with this piece of shit.
That will destroy your soul.

You come across as really grounded, caring, committed - both as a wife and mother, and you deserve much better.

and to echo others…

1. you don’t need to decide anything now, allow your self to consider the long game and plan here for you.
2. don’t compare yourself, you have two wonderful children, she has made a career, they are different choices not necessarily better
3. try not to fixate on the love/romance element. Often, it’s a sign of the fantasy he was living, he would have been happy to keep his life in two compartments and was not looking to leave you, your discovery of the affair has forced a choice and he chose you and kids.
4. don’t fixate on OW, she could have been anyone, and he is in the wrong and crossed the line, the fault and the shame lies mainly with him.

i think you need to have time and perhaps your own counselling (on your own) to consider whether you think you can and are able to fully recover, it’s a slow and painful process but you need to come out of this feeling better, more loved and secure than before and if this isn’t happening or going to happen then you need to consider moving on.

wishing you best of luck.