He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Yes I bet it is a welcome break. You should be the one having a fun trip away with friends and leave him with the dc for a weekend next time though.

It sounds like the discovery of the affair relationship that he had with her has thrown into stark relief for you the realities of the marital relationship that he has been offering to you.

As you say, if he was simply "not the romantic type" then you could rationalise him buying you practical gifts. If he was simply frugal than his lack of splashing out on you to celebrate your birthday would be less of an issue. Forgive me if this sounds harsh (I only mean to reflect what you've said back to you to help you process your feelings) but you talk like you see yourself (and/or you think that he sees you) as a comfortable pair of old slippers, you are there for his convenience and comfort.

Whereas, as PP have commented, you are clearly an intelligent, articulate person. Do you think he sees you as a "real", equal human being? Does he value you? Does he show an interest in your daily life?

The power in your relationship sounds very unbalanced. I say this as the SAHP wife of a man with a high powered, well earning job (not megabucks, but six figures). I was shocked to read that you had been unaware of your husband's true earnings until recently. (That smacks a bit of financial abuse even, that he is deliberately hiding money from you. What have you chosen not to spend money on that it now transpires you could have easily afforded?) My husband is an open book with his payslips (to me), and his salary is paid into our joint account. Your husband doesn't seem to see you as a team working together for the good of your family?

Have you told anyone in real life about all of this? A counsellor (for you individually) if there is no one in your private life who could support you in this?

Ugh, reading that he was protective of the OW makes me feel worse for you. It does seem that he has a lot of feelings for her, though obfuscates around admitting it.

If you don’t want to leave, I would at least prepare for being left. Because you just don’t know what is truly going on in his head - you can only look at his actions. Sign up for some courses soon with a view for relaunching your career. Working again will give you your own support and friendship system, which will be protective against you experiencing your mother’s suffering. The problem with long standing mutual friends is that they often distance themselves when marriages break down, because as couples, they don’t do single friends.

Reentering the workforce also will put your DH on notice that his marriage is not a given he can take for granted and he has to work for it. Even my extremely religious, mother of 5 kids, anti-divorce SIL retrained and returned to work when her marriage faltered and she even went looking at blocks of land, thinking about how she would cope on her own if her DH walked out as per his threats. She ignored him when he kept saying she didn’t have to work and I felt it did increase her “value” in the marriage. It’s probably not insignificant that the OW in your case is successful in her career.

You’re having sex with him knowing he’s had sex with someone else??
🤢

so you've had sex with him since the affair????? I really hope youve been sti tested op!

I have, all clear thankfully though can’t say it’s an experience I want to repeat… and yes eventually we were going to have to. Not since I found out about this.

"You’re having sex with him knowing he’s had sex with someone else??
🤢"

I think quite a lot of/ most people trying to reconcile and continue their relationship after an affair do end up having sex.
Puke face was a bit rude.

I completely agree with you. The last thing you need is for her to be reinvited into your marriage in any way, shape or form. This must be resolved between you and your husband.

Your post are so rational, I'm sure what you decide will be in your best interest.

It's a pity your idiot of a husband took what you offer for granted.

This thread has made me a bit sad. I hope you can be happy OP and I’m so sorry he betrayed you on so many levels in so many ways. You deserved better. You sound great.

Having sex again with him must have been so hard … if it was me I’d be second guessing if he’s turned on by me / thinking of her / wondering if he’s really present / thinking did he do the same things to do he’s doing to me to her. It is an absolute head fuck.

Is your plan if you stay together to turn a blind eye to future affairs as long as he claims he isn't in love? He's made it clear he doesn't want to leave the kids, and you don't want to have to have a coparenting relationship with one of these OW, so prefer to stay together until the kids are older? Feels like a bleak way to live. I'd prefer to get out and let the current OW deal with the next betrayal.

I think I would get him to pay for a Uni course or something like that to help you raise your own earning potential and get back into the work force. I say this as a SAHM - we do have to think about our own security, doing a course or something that is just for you would be good for you career wise and also in terms of doing something that is just for you. I would also get him to pay for a weeks break away while he minds the kids - I assume you were minding the kids while he was off in hotels, it is his turn to have them on his own. Also treat yourself to a lavish new wardrobe on his card - make sure to spend at least £20k!

To me the going to a jewellers together to choose a high cost piece of jewellery sounds like an engagement ring, I suspect he is lying. Make sure to keep copies of all financial documents going forward, get your own career underway and when you are ready LTB!

Wise and kind words

OP, really sorry you’ve been treated this way. I’ve also been in a position of thinking DH and were reconciling in full truth and honesty, then finding out something several years later that left me reeling, undermined the basis of the reconciliation and indeed the whole marriage. Over two years on, we are still in separate rooms, in limbo, keeping things stable for the children. He wants to reconcile, I’m still numb. Sometimes it’s okay, many days it’s incredibly lonely. I’m not sure love and trust will come back but I don’t want to make myself and the children worse off as a result of his bad behaviour. I work full time so all the logistics would be hard. I can’t see myself trusting a man ever again so don’t feel the need to be free to able to enter a new relationship. That feels a bit cowardly and unadventurous too but I’m not an huge risk-taker, I wish I was! All this is just to say I understand the complexities and trade offs and give you a bit of insight from one of the roads you could choose. It is a bit different though as DH wasn’t in a full blown affair so I’m not worried about him leaving.

As others said, you don’t need to make a decision right now. Can you speak to a counsellor yourself to help work out what you want? You sound very smart and sensible and I hope you get the love and support you deserve.

As others have said I'd wonder if the affair is ongoing (his protectiveness of her/anger at getting caught rather than being devastated at the hurt he's caused) and/or if he is arranging finances in an attempt to make you worse off.
Is it possible he is waiting for you to return to work (is that your plan?) before he leaves?

Considering you are married, the necklace he bought her is a marital asset, and I would spend the £200 sending the bitch a lawyer's letter demanding it back. Tell her the money belongs to your children. Perhaps the guilt will make her return the gift. However, don't tell your pathetic husband. Keep the money, go a holiday and have a good think about your future. Think of what you could do with that money!
I could never ever forgive this.

Why doesn’t making you feel loved and special make him feel great? Why doesn’t that boost his fragile self-esteem?
What a cliche..

I’m sorry your H is such a shit OP.

Personally, I think this would be the end for me. That gift is ridiculous.

I think my pride would be too hurt to stay.

💐

Dear OP, I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I have also split up from a HNW husband, (well he was on the cusp of becoming one) - there is a real grieving process for the life you should have had where it not for the stupid acts of the ex. However, I am so much happier now.

But re the 2 parents for kids statement.. I really want you to think this through.

Kids pick up things, a disrespecting, absent father, token presents to mum, etc they will pick it up, they will see and compare their homelife to their friends. Money does not make a good family home. One day, even when they are adults and have their own family etc, they will find out and you may find your kids will get angry with you for staying and letting yourself be walked over (by the way you describe his reactions it is unlikely to be his last mistress/fling), or they get angry at their dad at his disrespect to you and them - the point is it will come out as he is not sorry and therefore he will not change.

You will be teaching your daughter by example, that is is OK for her to stay with a man who does not respect or love her, or a son, that is is OK for a man to treat his wife, mother of his children in this way and that the woman needs to put up with it..... There is so much more at stake here. Please get some counselling for yourself, talk to a solicitor and don't let your wishful thinking take over.

The reality is he broke the family unit, it will never ever go back to how it was, no matter how much he or you can pretend - things will never be the same again. If he was truly sorry, there may have been an opportunity for growth on his part and working together with counselling etc to make a new family unit based on honesty and transparency and hard work - but he hasn't in any way signalled this, so there can be no happy after, only sweeping things under the carpet for appearances and that will not lead to happiness for you or your kids - you deserve more ( no need to rush things, but do investigate the solicitor, counselling etc).

I agree.
I wonder what he told her.
The old I am living with my wife but we are just in it for the kids and are roomates and I'm so lonely and have no one.
And then probably shared something about how he has never felt this way about anyone. And how he doesn't blame his wife and she is a great mother but it's due to differences in personality.
How he can only talk to her.
And I'm guessing he has said this to loads of young women but she took bait.
And for him it's an ego thing.
He's a great liar.

I. Couldn't forgive this, you're a better woman than me if you can. Personally I would leave and open yourself up to the possibility of true love (if you want that) in the future, rather than staying with a lying cheating arsehole that used joint money to treat his tarts.

Have you considered getting in contact with her and asking to talk? I think I would need to try to find out more about their relationship. You don’t know whether she’s upset or angry now. Big chance she would refuse but like you say, you don’t know what he was telling her so she may be interested in speaking to you.

@Spikyseason, a few questions:
(1) To your knowledge, has your H has ever crossed physical or emotional boundaries with any other women during your time together?

(2) Earlier you said that ‘he agreed to counseling’. Has he actually followed through with IC?

If remorseful, H would have provided complete truth, empathy, and huge efforts to help you heal from the injuries he inflicted. Being enraged that he messed up and forgot to delete the rogue message, and prioritizing OW by refusing to be forthcoming about her do not spell remorse. After robbing your agency and shattering your heart, he owed you absolute transparency. You deserved to be fully informed — about OW and his true feelings, the affair and its detailed timeline, what he told OW about you/the marriage/the children, etc. — so that you would know exactly what you were forgiving or walking away from.

It was bad enough that he protected the woman who helped him harm his family, but your finding the shocking evidence of the great disparity in his treatment and valuation of you and OW, as well as his blatant misrepresentation of the affair, would be the final dealbreaker for me.

@Spikyseason, you continue to be in an unequal, imbalanced relationship with an individual who feels entitled to lie, minimize, and obfuscate. Your ‘reconciliation’ has been strictly on his terms. He abused you via his adultery and duplicity, and he continues to perpetrate deception and a false narrative. You will never have peace of mind with this man.

Honestly he seems to think as long as he is staying and has essentially done the ‘right’ thing by demonstrating how committed he is to his family, that that is the main thing. He was annoyed he had to move out in the beginning (not for very long) but he didn’t actually say this to me, it was passed on by a family member. He says things like ‘It’s in the past’ and reassures me he won’t leave.
He doesn’t seem to understand why it would make a difference to me how he felt for her because he is staying and is now ‘committed’.
I don’t understand how he can’t see that not being absolutely honest knows storing trouble for the future. That essentially even if things are superficially ‘better’ for a while, eventually, it’s all still based on lies if he isn’t being honest now (which of course he thinks he’s told me everything he needed to)
It’s like he’s content on this being all some arrangement for the kids. Has he not thought about after they grow up? Or even just become less dependent?
Because if he actually doesn’t love me irrespective of OW then none of this is sustainable. It’s like he does and says all the right things but it feels hollow.

Okay, I see that you and he did go to couples counseling. As you nor the marriage were responsible for his unethical decisions and actions, I would have advised his seeking IC first to work on his character flaws that led to his cheating. He had a range of appropriate options to use to deal with any issues. There are no valid reasons to choose infidelity and cause utter devastation.