He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I agree with you on this. Also, she owns it now so she can just say no to giving it back which will just be humiliating.

He is with mutual friends so I doubt it. Part of me can’t be bothered to care right now. I’m exhausted.

@Spikyseason

I understand you are hurting right now. I've been there. Same feelings of not wanting the other woman to "win". And similar platitudes from my H - couldn't leave my daughter, oh and me of course.

Please, any time you have this weekend, read this book. If you then decide you want to stay married, even knowing he doesn't really, that's up to you.

You and your children will survive a breakup. The hardest bit is if there's not enough money, when housing and lifestyle has to be setiously compromised. But it sounds like that would be less of an issue for you.

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide amzn.eu/d/cJsxdPL

OP only you know what you can take and where your line is.

But if I was in your shoes I would be using this weekend to make a catalogue of information from paperwork I could find in the house of all bank accounts, pension pots etc and get your ducks in a row.

Play the long game, get applying for jobs even part time ones and start setting money aside.
His actions are clear he had no regard for you in the affair or spending the equivalent of 2 years university fees for one of your children on a necklace for the OW. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to start protecting yourself to set yourself up. You don't buy a necklace like that on a fling. He's angry because he was caught out which has made him give it up for now. But how long til it either starts again or he starts resenting you? (Which is warped I know but he will as he clearly doesn't take responsibility for his actions)

Why is he away with mutual friends is it a work based thing that he can't get out of and they all work together?,I know you say you don't care but op, whatever he is doing he should surely cancel and be trying to reassure you and attempt to fix this.

It was a welcome break from all the fighting to be honest!

This thread is heartbreaking to read OP. I feel for you and can understand the quandary you must be in as to whether you should stay or go.
I'm much older now and happily widowed but I still remember the pain of knowing that I wasn’t enough. I wish he’d buggered off before he stole my youth.
Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t deserve you like I did.

I hate him!

" "If she was a high earner the gift was proportional for her expectations and explains why you haven't had similar.
Regrettably this is very common behaviour for men who are financially very successful in certain industries (law, banking, fintrch). They develop a sense of entitlement and believe they deserve a high status affair partner."
This is a really good point regarding her standard of lifestyle. If she is a reasonably highly paid person, single etc then she will already have expensive jewellery, handbags, shoes etc. The £20k gift was likely more to do with her style than any reflection of his feeling towards her vs you. She’s the type of person who wears £20k jewellery so that’s what he bought her. You’re the type of person who likes £400 coats so that’s what he bought you.
This also rings true with you saying he isn’t materialistic and flashy."

Maybe but also...maybe he's well paid and well off, but not quite as well paid as he would like to be. It's cheaper to play at being a high roller with a fantasy high roller life when you're doing it very part time with your bit on the side. Much more expensive to be a high roller 24/7 and keep your children and the mother of your children in the real high rolling style. He probably can't afford the latter for an entire lifetime, he can play at the former for a bit then if the spare cash runs out he can easily get rid of the shiny expensive mistress with no loss of face and pretend he wants to concentrate on his children.

Like the people who fly to Dubai and hire a supercar then Instagram themselves razzing about in it as if they own a fleet of them, but they're really just playing Let's Pretend, like little kids dragging a princess dress and a tiara out of the dress up box.

@Spikyseason enjoy the peace, I can relate to this in the past. I think the fact there is conflict shows that he’s not that remorseful and your posts are really heart breaking. Do try get done time for yourself without the dc, get a massage or a facial or whatever makes you feel a bit better. Sending you a hug 😔

That’s appalling, I’m so sorry OP. That kind of money could be a university education, a first car, a wedding or a house deposit for your child. What a disgusting betrayal, I’d be more pissed off about this than the actual cheating too.

@HazelPlayer Credit cards offer the BEST protection for anything over £100 via the Section 7 claim service

There is really no point in focusing on the value of the jewellery more that he felt he had to work to impress her and clearly didn’t feel the need at home.
For what it’s worth I know of an almost identical scenario (including £20K jewellery plus handbags etc) wife kicked him out - got half of everything plus £100K+ a year spousal and child maintenance. He and OW lasted a couple of years but she then wanted a family etc and he had already been there and done that. Doesn’t sound a dissimilar scenario.
Exw was financially secure and found love again within a year with someone who treated her much better

I couldn't stay in the same circumstances. Fuck it, let the OW "win", she could have him for all I cared after that!

Who knows, the sheen might wear off for her too if she was with him "full time".

Don't stay to stop her winning. God I get that, but the reality is you lose.

I know it is irrational. But I do feel like that sometimes. And he will no doubt make more of an effort with her as he’s demonstrated already.

thank you for all your replies. I’ve read every single one and it’s much appreciated. I have a lot to think about.

THIS

did you go for counselling when you found out and agree to work through? You should and bring this into it. He needs to fess up and deal with what triggered his action

i will bet that he was in a fantasy world trying to be Prince Charming, trying to impress and making himself feel good and then you found out and he realised he loves you and the family much much more….it was an ego trip.

its still unacceptable what he has done, but you should get to the bottom of what triggered him, why he thought the affair was acceptable,and why spending £20k was acceptable, he has realised the grass isnt greener but enjoyed the fantasy world in the moment….

he needs to properly explain this, and make it good. You deserve better.

@Littlemisssavvy Yeah he is not going to do that. If they go for counselling he will minimise and blame shift.

We have been for counselling. I suspect it was maybe a ‘box-ticking’ exercise for him. He trotted out the usual stuff like self esteem, stress at work, fantasy life, made him feel good, lack of intimacy at home. The usual.
he did give me access to everything. We were in separate rooms for a long time (trying to keep it from kids which was hard).
sex with him again was hard, took a long time and tbh not sure it will ever be the same.

OP, kids are not always better in a two parent household. They are best in a household filled with love and respect. They will be far more damaged being raised by a mother who is mentally beaten down and shamed and just staying married for the kids. You children will not thank you for it later. Children are far more intelligent and sensitive to these things than we realize. They model what they see. How will you feel in 25 years when one of them is suffering the same as you and they just keep suffering for the marriage because that was what they learned from you. It is harsh, but that is what is likely to happen.

He is not the key to a happy home filled with love, YOU ARE. You are the parent who has put their needs first and kept them protected and loved. He has harmed them and shown a complete disregard to them by doing this. They were not first to him and probably never will be. He has won and he knows it and he believes you are trapped. Why are you letting him win? He hasn't lost a damn thing and is probably still carrying on behind your back but is better at hiding it now.

Do you you really want to waste the rest of your life with this low class man? In 5,10,15 years is waking up beside him going to bring you joy and fill you with love? If the answer is no then bin this sorry waste of a man.

I read the bit that he was with her in the jewellers chose and paid for it - it's like he thinks he's in a movie. Fantasist, he's not in love he's playing out a fantasy.

It's laughable if it wasn't so tragic and rather pathetic of him really. Life is not a Bond movie

I thought similar initially but then I thought, it was probably easier to do that than buy something and try and hide it, having to carry something worth that much around. Risk me finding it.

I suspect it was both practical and wanted her to have something she loved. Probably made him feel good but I don’t think that was a sole consideration.

Don't underestimate the role of novelty...

I think women overthink why men cheat. They do because they can and it's exciting.

If the sex is difficult, the trust is gone, you're fighting a lot, what's the point of continuing really? Drop the role, let him get on with things, see what happens but it's not going to work longterm, really.

Very well put.

Typical play the victim card.