He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I would also stop caring about the OW and whether she 'wins' or not. Obviously it's natural to feel that way but at some point she will fade into insignificance and if you manage it, you should be making decisions based only on what's best for you and your children, nothing else.

'It's good that he is away this weekend OP.'

I'm not so sure. I bet the op will be tormented with what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

Couldn’t he have postponed op due to his current marital crisis?

Not exactly. If we were to split she’d likely be in my kid’s lives. Hardly an insignificance.

Id want to know if the OW actually had 20k of jewellery, as not much can be taken from his words, I wouldn't be surprised if the jewellery is stashed somewhere. Maybe with other assets along the way. 20k may not be a lot for the OP but it probably would be if it happens again. It would be pure hearsay in a settlement with him saying that's it's gifts for his wife and she's stashed them.

God OP, I'm so sorry, it sounds horrendous. You are in a great position, you have no worries about finances. How can you forgive this? Unfortunately, I think he does have feelings for her. I hope you find the strength to leave his cheating ass, kids are so resilient, more so than you think. You don't deserve this, put yourself first, for he definitely isn't.

Read your initial post and the resultant thread this morning, and it has stayed in my head. You come across as dignified, faithful and devoted, all the while struggling to make sense of your husband’s betrayal and hoping to salvage your marriage. What stands out to me is that he deceived, manipulated and betrayed you for a YEAR. He has since minimised, lied and gaslight you. It sounds like a romantic love affair with OW (not a merely physical relationship) while your marriage, with respect, sounds like something he drifted into and which he doesn’t value or respect. I would strongly expect him to stray again or, at the very least, leave you once the children are grown and gone. He doesn’t love you as you need or deserve. He has shown you who he is and what he thinks of you. To stay with such a man, in such circumstances, may in the end be very damaging for you. I would walk away. That necklaces symbolised love, commitment, indulgence, power, wealth, adoration. You ask what it meant? He wanted to show off to her, please her, commit to her, celebrate their relationship.

Do you have a friend to share this with, cry on and have a hug or are you soldiering on for the kids and trying to keep up a brave face? If not sharing, I really urge you to find one trusted friend this weekend and seek support.

I mostly have my ducks in a row, as the relationship board calls it. So I know where the money, assets and paperwork are. It gives me the illusion of choice, I could leave if I wanted to but I choose to stay.

I think @ChaosReign is on to something, OP.

Prepare everything you'd need to leave. Gather all the information regarding finance, assets, wills; enlist a legal team; start drawing up the paperwork. Really envision how the future could look, in terms of settlement, income, housing, child arrangements.

Not only a manageable life, but a better life, on solid ground.

Having your escape chute ready might allow you to stay, but on your terms.

Or, it might give you the courage to face the full betrayal and dysfunction of your marriage, and you can leave, confident in the path forward.

Big hugs op. That is so very cruel of him.

Your husband doesn't love you, I'm not even sure he loves his kids, he literally took 20k (that you know about) away from them. What father does that? And I'm betting it wasn't a necklace but a ring that's why he's refusing to get it back as it will prove that he infact does love her. I wouldn't entertain a man like that. He's proved to you that you're meaningless too him, just the mother of his kids. Tell him you want the jewellery back to prove how much he loves his kids, if he still says no it shows he's a piece of shit and you're all better off without him.

OP this is so heartbreaking to read and you sound so lovely and amazingly level headed and articulate despite the pain you must be going through.

I get what you mean exactly about it not being the monetary cost of the gift per se, but the huge grand gesture of what someone must mean to you to buy such a valuable and personal gift spontaneously. As you've discovered she's got a good career and not vastly younger so he wasn't doing it because he needed to buy her favour like a sugar daddy. It seems like such a huge romantic gesture. Ditto his protectiveness of her.

The fact that he's never been as romantic towards you, even in the honeymoon days of your relationship must hit very hard. Do you feel that he "settled" for you (sorry)?

I hear what you're saying about having to think carefully about separating the family. But I really could never get past this sort of thing. He won't actually tell you that he loved (loves?) her but that's how it seems to you. What if he decides he can't be without her? Or he looks elsewhere because the "being in love" feeling is something he wants to feel again?

I feel angry with him just reading about him. Sounds like he wants the nice bits of family life with you dealing with the drudgery and practicalities and when he wants romance and excitement he goes elsewhere.

If you decide to stay married you will have to make yourself numb to the above to bear it - do you think you can? Or, as an alternative to divorce, could you bear a co-parenting, house sharing marriage where you aren't really a couple any more?

The ship has sailed on what’s best for the kids. They no longer have two parents who trust and respect each other. That was fully his doing.

The horrible situation he’s put you in is different, and if you were to stay together, it would be far from the ideal you thought you had before discovering his year long parallel relationship. This new way would have effects on your kids and their view of what a relationship is like, even if they don’t know about the infidelity. The cracks are already there.

Thank you… as painful as it is I do feel now like he just settled. Because I thought all this time he wasn’t a particularly ‘romantic’ guy. Cue jewellery, hotels, romantic gestures etc for OW…

and look as I said I’m not delusional. She is very attractive. I cannot compete on those stakes, I am not one to care so much about looks as I thought I was in a loving marriage and all was well but here we are. She is out of his league to be honest and another thing I wonder is if part of him worried she would eventually lose interest. Staying was probably ‘safer’ for many reasons? No doubt his financial success was a factor but not the main one as she isn’t a 19 year old student… No idea what she is like as a person but I am trying to not get drawn into hating her for the sake of it because no doubt he was lying to her too. I do hate the idea of her being in my life going forward though. If we split. That makes me sick.

coparenting would be doable. Yes the money helps in that respect. But my head is reeling.

This is a really good point regarding her standard of lifestyle. If she is a reasonably highly paid person, single etc then she will already have expensive jewellery, handbags, shoes etc. The £20k gift was likely more to do with her style than any reflection of his feeling towards her vs you. She’s the type of person who wears £20k jewellery so that’s what he bought her. You’re the type of person who likes £400 coats so that’s what he bought you.

This also rings true with you saying he isn’t materialistic and flashy.

OP, looks don't matter that much, men love who they love, I wouldn't focus on that

Can't even comprehend how this has made you feel. It's just so disrespectful. That is an incredible amount of money to spend on an item of jewellery, for someone your not in a very serious relationship with? I feel for you, I really do. But I think you know, that your going to find it very difficult to get over this betrayal. I wish you well OP Good luck bab. Xx

So sorry OP that you found yourself in this position.

Don't make a hasty decision. Take as long as you need. My ex-brother in law did something really similar. He had a 18 month affair then found out by my Dsis. She found out OW is about 5/6 years younger and very successful in her field. OW was single and they broke off as my ex-brother in law was really remorseful. Dsis took him back, hard work done by both of them.

2 years later Dsis discovered that ex bil still had feelings for OW. Accidentally dsis discovered that they were viewing flats together before they got found out.

They are together now.

Only you know what is best for you. Take all the time you need. ❤️

It's like my DH said, impulse sex he could forgive. But something personal and thought out, he couldn't.
We were just talking in conversation after we watched something.

You are assuming that they will stay together if you divorce him. But lots of women like OW want a BF and not a live in partner. The same as lots of men like your husband want a wife at home to do the house / kids / emotional and domestic labour AND the adrenaline rush of an affair.

Thats why people say that when a man leave his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy. It’s not that your husband preferred her to you - he wants both and feels perfectly entitled to have what he wants , when he wants it.

I suspect he s a man who is used to getting his own way, at work and at home.

You are also assuming that your husband will see a lot of his kids if you split up and I think you need to prepare yourself that this may not be the case.

I know you say “ he loves his kids, hes not a monster” and I’m sure he does love his kids in his own way. But nothing you have posted shows a lot of ACTIONS about him loving his kids , just a lot of words.

eg he gets angry at not being able to do what he wants all the time, he won’t look after his own kids on holiday and doesn’t enjoy spending tine with them.

That doesn’t say “ dad who will want 50:50 with his kids “ to me. It screams

“ dad who will threaten 50:50 to punish you and when he finds out how much child support he will save. Then panics when he realises that doesn’t want them during the week because of the hassle of childcare and he doesn’t want them at weekends because that time is his own. Then is surprised that you won’t agree to drop them off at his mums for a few hours at short notice on the odd weekend that he has spare time, so his mum can look after them and he can pop round act like dad of the year “.

I also think he’s the kind of man who will tell everyone that he wanted the kids more but you won’t let him and he doesn’t want to fight you in court because he’s so reasonable and you are a bit unhinged.

He sounds like a man who tells everyone he is a devoted father and he’d do anything for his kids. Rather than a man who actually will.

Of course I might be totally wrong and if I’m misreading things, please feel free to ignore everything I’d said.

Is that the main reason you want to stay together OP? So that he doesn’t swan off with this other woman, set up home, be a step mum to your kids, and make you feel even more humiliated?

My mother did this. Refused to let the other women win. The problem with that plan was there was always another one. And then eventually one did win. And my mother felt even more humiliated for all the times she had turned a blind eye. All the years she had wasted. Just for my father to end up swanning off and setting up a lovely home with one of them anyway when us kids were about to go to uni.

I think it’s worth breaking down the separate issues as you dont need to make final decisions now

(1) You can say you want a divorce at any time you don’t have to decide now. So if you want to try some couples counselling first you can, if you’re not sure right now sit tight and do the counselling.

(2) Divorce settlements will assume you are capable of getting a job whilst children are at school. It would be worth looking at what sort of employment you could do. Maybe consider retraining at your husbands expense whilst you decide what you want to do

I completely get why you feel the way you do about so much being spent on the OW when it’s never been spent on you

However an extravagant gesture like that may have been about the fantasy of the world he wanted to pretend he was part of, not necessarily that he loved her.

I would imagine your relationship will not last.
His loyalty is to her.
In your place I would gather as much hard evidence as possible of the affair.
Well done for getting all paperwork together.

I would find shit hot legal advice on divorce and plot the best path for you.

I would consider telling him YOU want a clear gift of 20k to be gifted to you, the mother of his bloody children.
Whatever is says about me, I would be apoplectic about the 20k.

Would returning to work with lots of paid help be good for you?

As soon as you have a financial agreement and things are finalised I wouldn't hesitate to expose them both.
The affair AND the 20k jewellery.

This ….read the thread before posting!!

I'm in a bus on my way out & I've checked in.

I'M sorry but Im NOW of the opinion you should go all out to take this man to the cleaners. It takes me a lot to feel like this. I will leave the thread now & hand you over to those who can help. Please get a lawyer involved & go for it. This man is an absolute sociopath,sorry OP.

He’s away this weekend? Do you think he might still be seeing her?