He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

So many of us have no concept of this sort of money, that I think we get blindsided by the amount. The reality is if my DH spent 2,000 it would be a similar value compared to our lifestyles. It is all relative.

But equally coming from somewhere that money is much tighter I do value the freedom that money can give if you split. Whatever happens look after yourself financially.

I’m not saying the amount is irrelevant, it is in the context of comparison with how much is spent on me. And the fact it isn’t a totally insignificant amount of money to suggest it was a meaningless gift. But it’s not the main issue here to the point I should be asking for cash from him. As if that helps anything.

Obviously that isn’t what she’d say word for word 🙄 but in my experience being honest instead of pretending everything is fine is a much better way of raising kids with a healthy dose of realism and the skills to deal with the tough world we live in. My kids get age appropriate honesty and they’re far from ‘fucked up’

He gets the necklace back, sells it and puts the money into an account for the children or you leave with the children. That would be my plan. What a wanker.

I truly do understand the dissonance, the bewilderment when you find the foundations of your life aren't what you thought they were. I've been through it - more than once. 'Coming to terms with it' doesn't really happen, ime. It's more like understanding that you've built over an active fault line and deciding what to save. That house is going down the hole anyway - it's big fucking shock, all right, and it's the first thing you need to 'come to terms with' because life CANNOT continue as before.

The question is 'What to do?' You seem to be stuck at the stage of wondering if you can believe the truth. Was that metaphorical earth tremor really as bad as it felt, and is there some other reason your metaphorical house has gone all wonky? Can you shore the thing up enough to ignore the cracks?

The answers are: yes, it's that bad; it really is broken; you can try and shore it up but you will always know you're walking over a chasm that could swallow everything at any time.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Some people manage to rebuild (a new metaphorical house on different ground) or to hide the damage and carry on, relatively cheerfully, with a heightened sense of impermanence. It doesn't often work, but it can.

What I am advising you is to stop obsessing over what he was feeling and the rest of it. You need to decide whether you want to be married to a man who definitely doesn't love you that much, doesn't respect you enough to share his inner self with you, and who's happy to conduct a deliberate campaign of deception against you.

If, against all odds, you do want to spend your coming decades with such a man, it's time to start working out how to live with your choices. It's also well past time to start getting a clear picture of the life you'll move into should you decide to knock this shitshow on the head and branch out on your own (with the children).

Well considering one of the main points OP made was that it wasn't about the money as such: it was the fact he chose to spend such a large amount on the OW compared to how much he chose to spend on her, and the type of item he chose to spend it on , so I thought this was missing the point and trivialising OP's feelings.
It's not something I would class as humour . But obviously I can't answer for OP. She is the only one who knows if she finds this funny or not and is perfectly capable of answering for herself.
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I’m not saying the amount is irrelevant, it is in the context of comparison with how much is spent on me. And the fact it isn’t a totally insignificant amount of money to suggest it was a meaningless gift. But it’s not the main issue here

It's another reminder he's spent time money and mental energy on her while not seeming bothered about doing the same with you.

You feel his actions show he values you less.

He's also not been upfront about it - so again you've had to find out his lies - and are left wonder how many more there are.

It's shit - it make you think he lied about his feeling for her and you and that his current words and desire to reconcile are just words and because it's more coinvent for his ongoing comfort.

I don't see how you go forward without him managing to convince you you really matter to him and his biggest hurdle to that is how he acted in recent past. Not sure there is much you can do - it's on him he done this and now needs to reassure you if he wants you to stay. Personally I'm not sure that's possible hence me saying make your own plans and focus on what you need.

I don't know why people are going on still about getting the necklace back when the OP has said this isn't going to happen.

It's not about the item or the cost, it's what it represents to the OP and that's not going to change if he gets it back.

This very much has the ring of truth to it. Generally feeling trapped and getting busted would also explain his being enraged in the aftermath of being found out. All of which means he may not be regretful, and may not wish to make an effort to work on his life with you and the children. A 7 year age gap isn’t much, and she’s a self-supporting woman in a lucrative job who doesn’t depend on him and has no children. Have you asked him if he wants to end the marriage? And live a different life? He may be totally fine seeing his kids EOW. The least he can do is set you up and let you go.

This weekend might be hard for you OP, if your H is around, do you have a plan for the next few days?

I did ask this question given his actions quite clearly stated the marriage was nothing to him and he said ‘I’m not leaving my kids’, pause, immediately followed up by platitudes for me. But that was his knee jerk reaction. Thinking back on it 😔

He’s away this weekend, which I’m thankful for tbh

Have a good happy weekend with your kids. And maybe start to think about how you would like the future to look.
I mostly have my ducks in a row, as the relationship board calls it. So I know where the money, assets and paperwork are. It gives me the illusion of choice, I could leave if I wanted to but I choose to stay.
Can you take some time out for you? Go for a walk without the children?

yes, have a good weekend. mn is here for you 24/7

I totally get how you feel @Spikyseason. It was all so unreal. I tried so hard to stay,for the DCs, and because weirdly we got on well, but just couldn’t do it. After dreading splitting for a couple of years it actually came as massive relief

@Spikyseason did you see any messages between them? If so what does it reveal?

Sadly I think this is about his love and respect for you (or lack of it). He has never felt the need to indulge you because he probably felt you didn't need it - due to the lifestyle he already affords you. Does he think you are lucky to be with him?

If she was a high earner the gift was proportional for her expectations and explains why you haven't had similar.

Regrettably this is very common behaviour for men who are financially very successful in certain industries (law, banking, fintrch). They develop a sense of entitlement and believe they deserve a high status affair partner.

That should tell you where his priorities lie.

Only the one message I wasn’t meant to see which wasn’t hugely revealing. His protection of her speaks volumes. He won’t speak badly of her. It was like pulling teeth getting him to reveal who she was.
and he doesn’t know but I subsequently found her on Instagram, and pieced together some of their dates and was revealing in terms of her and who she is as a person. Not what I was expecting.

Oh gosh. I'm sorry.

I don't doubt he doesn't want to leave his kids. But in the case of someone whose actions are diametrically opposite to someone who wants to stay with his children, "I'm not leaving my kids" is more an expression that he doesn't want what his and their lives would look like post-divorce, than a statement of intent. if he really wanted and meant that, he wouldn't have cheated for a whole year.

It's also not within his gift to decide whether he's leaving his kids or not. To stay with them, he's going to have to stay with you - and you get to decide whether that happens. This muddling along suits him just fine, and presumably would for years to come. He hasn't left his kids, and he doesn't have to invest in you.

It's not a question of getting back at him, or evening up the crimes and hurt. It's solving this problem (and easy-from-the-outside situation, world-shatteringly difficult from the inside). You do hold all the cards at this point, which is something.

I think the necklace is a big distraction. Completely reasonable to feel hurt, angry etc about it but it's the symptom. Glad you've got the weekend to yourself to think about what you want. Do you want the marriage to continue even if he's not 100% committed to fixing things, if the kids are the driving force for staying? This weekend gives you time to think about how you feel about him now, can you trust him again?

Yes, I get that it is about what the 20k necklace says. But many women get screwed over in their determination to be clear it’s not about the money. Heaven forbid that it should be about the money.
Would it say the same if it was a £200 necklace, though?

Put aside what he said or wanted.

Do you really think staying in such a situation would be good for your kids?

Do you want to stay with him?

dont ask for the necklace back. This is just utterly pointless and it will make you look foolish. He has not given her this for “just a shag”. This is deeply meaningful for him.

brutal, op, but it’s time to take a proper look at your relationship. It sounds like there are a lot of things that you have both swept under the carpet and just trundled along with. I’m going to take a guess that he feels like he fell into marriage and settled for you because your peer group were getting married and he thought he should be doing the same. He’s not been as generous with you because he doesn’t feel that way about you. When he met someone he truly felt in love with he wanted to lavish her with expensive gifts. I’m not saying that to be cruel but I think that’s probably closer to the reality and that’s why it hurts so much.

given as well that they’ve been having unprotected sex he woukd have told her that you aren’t sleeping together etc.

The kids have no idea at the moment. I obviously think it’s better for them to have two parents at home.

i don’t know what I want right now. I go from fucking furious to devastated to not wanting the OW to ‘win’ to numb and all over again…

It's good that he is away this weekend OP. Are you able to create some space for yourself to think without the DC around? I would use the time to rationally layout some different options and their implications to help work through what you want to do. If you have a good friend who can listen and act as a sensible sounding board then I would call on them as well.

I understand that you're saying the necklace itself isn't the issue, but the new levels of doubt that it creates. On that basis, your decision is really whether you want / feel able to continue with a man whom you can't be sure was not in love with someone else. And when thinking about your DC, the question becomes whether it really is good for them to have a mother who feels that way. You might be doing them a bigger service by leaving even if you never learn anything more to confirm that he loved her.

Whatever you decide, it's good news that you are confident you would be financially secure. I would also spend some time this weekend shoring up anything you need to to feel confident that would be the case (documents, etc.).

Your DH is a total jerk, by the way. Sending you strength.