He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Jesus . She must be really quite something in the sack.
I could never forgive such huge disrespect.
Men think with their . It will always be so I’m afraid.

Stripped down, you are unable, quite rightly, to trust what he's said because it doesn't add up. Not being able to trust him is all you need to head for the exit. Don't waste time and energy in trying to work out how this necklace fits into the relationship he had with this woman: it is as bad as it looks.

Does he get angry about other things OP?

A man who loves his children would protect them at all costs. He didn't care about hurting you or your children while fucking someone else. He says he would die for them but wasn't willing to stop fucking another woman and protect them, how absurd. A man who loves his children would respect their mother and not do something so horrible and disrespectful that would hurt his family. He absolutely did not protect them and you and your children were collateral damage. Please find your self esteem and leave this twat. He sounds incapable of love and in general a loser. Please don't let him win because right now he is the winner. He got his cake, ate it and got to come back to his comfy life. It is time to take that comfy life away from him for good. Take back your power OP, you deserve better than this, you really do.

I couldn't forgive it. It's not the money, it's the fact that it could've been spent on his children or family - family holidays, saving towards deposits on their future homes, anything!

I get why the necklace has hurt you, it’s nice that £20,000 is within your means but you say he wasn’t very extravagant on presents for you or holidays with you and the DC, but £20,000 is a very nice family holiday maybe Disney Florida staying in a Disney hotel or a nice all-inclusive with the little ones .

What you do know is whether he loved her or not he can’t tell the truth and he chose to spend your family money on his mistress which to me shows that for all he is sorry and is remorseful he chose his dick his over his kids and you!!

He has shown you who his is please believe him!!

Dear @Spikyseason

A few points just to contrast what others are saying and give you food for though.

Firstly, the necklace, whilst expensive, might not be a sign of love. It may have been an attempt to impress, particularly if she is very successful in her own rights.

Even if it was a sign of a much more serious relationship than he’s been honest about, it probably doesn’t negate the fact that he has a longer term, possibly deeper love for you, that he took for granted.

I’m not saying that’s a reason to forgive him…what’s he’s done is atrocious. But some of the comments here will make you doubt yourself and how much you are loved and that’s not fair either. Men can have strong feelings for more than one person at a time, which women don’t seem get.

The necklace sadly will act as a permanent reminder of the affair to you. But actually also to him. He knows the pain it will cause, which is why he wasn’t open about it from the start. Plus if he did buy it to impress, he realises now how stupid that will look to just about anyone else, yourself included. He has to live with having given that away. I think that will not be a proud thought.

So, whilst my gut feeling is probably LTB, because he’s a cheat. If what you want to do is save your marriage, then I don’t think you should compare yourself to the affair partner, because the necklace doesn’t equal love and neither do I think it says commitment. I think it makes him (how would my pupils put it) a beg?

He'd have to absolutely commit to being open, honest and transparent going forward. No more lies.

However humiliating, he’d have to explain his reasons for having the affair in the first instance.

If he still has money to spare, then he should spoil you with something worth let’s say £30,000.

That last one’s just for fun.

But ultimately, even after all this you may still decide that you deserve better, and that’s ok. You can choose to leave whenever you see fit. You don’t owe him anything and it’s his job to now put in the effort.

Im sorry this has happened to you. I hate to read people making comments about what he must think of you though, because none of us know him or you, and I don’t think strangers claiming he loves her more than you is helpful.

She fecking saw him coming!!! How would any woman even accept such an ostentatious gift, never mind the twat that bought it for her! I am willing to bet it's not the only expensive present he has lavished on her.

I couldn't bear to look at his face again and I have no idea how you can bring yourself to have sex with him again either.

You are in a fortunate position that you aren't forced to stay with him for financial reasons. He will do it again. He sounds pretty unpleasant as a man anyway!

I also believe he has no grounds not to be asking for the necklace back, even if she refuses.
You need full visibility on his request and any response she gives.

I know you don’t want it … who would in these circumstances. It’s not about that.

If he did get it back, he would need to show it to you (proving it’s not actually a ring) and then he should decide what to do with it, …selling it, investing for the children, donating the money to charity. Whatever he decides to do with it, will give you a clue to the way he is thinking, in the same way as him refusing to ask for it back gives you a clue into his true feelings.
You need that insight OP.

He has thrown 20k away if he insists he didn’t love her, so he should already be trying to get it back. If he isn’t…ask him why he isn’t. Does he want her to have it then, as a souvenir of what?- their love/friendship/sex life/feelings/special connection, - while you have nothing but broken promises? Ask him if that sounds decent or sensible and like a good start to your next chapter together trying to mend his betrayal. Does he really want to prove to you that he’s deeply regretful of that betrayal?
Ask him ….’If you still insist she keeps it, is your relationship with her still live then?

Asking for it back would send her the message it’s over and that he doesn’t care about her feelings because to him yours are more important. Which surely is the way he feels if he wants you both to try again.
Why should you, his wife, suffer this humiliation of her keeping this token (and why should you and your children suffer this financial loss).
He should be willing to shoulder that humiliation of asking for it back to prove he is serious about trying to mend your relationship.

Don't fall into the trap of letting this drift on without pushing for answers. Don’t gift him the decision to leave him anyway without making him ask for it back. Push him relentlessly now to get him to reveal his true feelings and the true facts. His affair lasted a year. That’s a lot of info missing which you need to know about if he’s serious.
This is all his doing not yours. You don’t have to make it easier for him.

I’m not sure you know everything that you need to know to make a decent decision for your future. I think he needs to take time off work for talking and for dedicating himself to you all, part of which should be you having a good few days away on your own to think while he takes your place in the home re-familiarising himself with what’s important to him and the work that goes into it.

Once you know all the facts and once you know your rights, only then can you decide what’s best for you and the children. Good luck OP.

Why don't you contact her op as you know who she is? If your dh has dumped her now he's been caught out she may be rather aggrieved and more than happy to spill the beans. Just ask her how long it went on for. I don't mean to attack her as according to this thread some think om and ow are blameless but just a breezy 'hi there can you clarify a few things for me?' She may be quite happy to share more info that your dh is keeping hidden.

Why are posters saying 'I'd want 10k'? That isn't the point. It IS a lot of money but it's the whole betrayal. You can't reimburse that with money.

Agree with this poster. Definitely ask her matter of factly. He's been lieing so you don't actually know what is really going on.

I would be getting all my ducks in a row too.
If she ends up pregnant or turns up with a baby !

20k is 2 years of university fees, or a new roof!
I would definitely take a friend along and ask to meet her to clear the air.
You need to protect your children their young now but really what sort of role model is he?

Exactiy.. 5 months into reconciliation and the op finds out accidentally about a 20k gift! There is bound to be more. Liars and cheats tend to keep schtum until presented with irrefutable evidence.

Charm the ow and get her to overshare op. Only then when you have all the horrible facts can you make an informed decision.

Getting angry at the children waking him when they were babies = more disgusting than the other stuff. You will be able to get a very good deal in divorce by the sounds of it and by the sounds of him he’ll play Disney dad with the kids while they’re young and once they’re older they’ll wise up, realise what a loser he is and how strong you are.

You aren’t going to come out as the ‘bad guy’ in this but you could do yourself long term mental harm staying.

“mummy why did you divorce daddy?”
“he had a year long physical affair behind my back while I was raising you, I nearly forgave him until I found he was continuing to lie to me and had bought his mistress a £20k piece of jewellery instead of spending that money on his family.”

that’s what you’ll be saying in the future with your head held high.

I really don’t understand the point in asking for it back. He has refused. Yes I could argue with him and eventually he’ll probably do it placate me but what does that prove exactly? He already bought it for her. She already knows he wanted to buy it for her. If I ask for it back it demonstrates how much it has caused a problem. It would actually be confirming that it meant something IMO and tbh it probably did. It was not an insignificant gift.

Anything he does or says to her now will be clear it’s just because he feels forced into it. He bought it of his own volition. He didn’t end it out of free will. I would just look like even more of a fool.

in terms of our relationship we had been together since mid twenties and then by mid thirties all our friends were either married or getting married and we kind of just had a conversation about it and I ended up booking everything. It was also around this time he started doing very well at work.
DC not initially in the plan as I have medical issues that make conception tricky but actually got pregnant easily. He really did not cope well with young children. Very angry about disturbed sleep. Preferred to have hired help on holiday. That sort of thing.

I think that alone would give me pause.

DH has at times made me feel a bit similar bit of I'm there and easy rather than wanted - but that if anything change with PFB and subsequent kids.

It must be fucking with your head and self esteem that alone - then you have the affair with a bit younger equal and lack of trust that is now there - her being worth splashing cash and putting thought into gifts for.

I think you may need to plan long term for a divorce even if for now it a sit and absorb blows and look like working at everything.

I'd probably stay the away from her - her issues are her's - but think about what you need to do for a good future and how you need to move forward and try and waste less head space on his motivation - he's done what he's done and being hurt by his actions and angry is completely normal.

You don't look like a fool here OP.

mummy why did you divorce daddy?” He had a year long physical affair behind my back while I was raising you, I nearly forgave him until I found he was continuing to lie to me and had bought his mistress a £20k piece of jewellery instead of spending that money on his family

No wonder kids get fucked up.

You hold your head high by rising above it all.

I absolutely agree with your thoughts on this. Him getting the jewellery back is irrelevant and actually demeans you if you demanded he do that. You of course absolutely have the moral high ground anyway - it's just how you now negotiate a way forward that works for you and the children.

I think you need some more honest conversations with him to unpick why he felt the need for this affair, how he sees himself repairing the damage he has done to you and your family. Only once it's all out in the open (if it ever can be) can you begin to make an informed decision as what's best for you.

You sound very level headed - definitely take your time to process it all.

MY 2pw.

Personally, when seriously wronged like here, I never want to give the other person (OW in this case) the satisfaction of knowing how badly treated I have been and how hurt I am. This is just me.

2.I am not petty as a person but can be very serious. So I believe I would indeed get very serious here to a) either help me save my marriage or b) help me make the decision to move on from the marriage.

3.Therefore, to achieve a or b, I would either want DH to ask for it back in my presence- `I would insist on a call (even if to embarrass him and suss him out (OP wants to know the depth of his feelings for OW- so this would help reveal it) and/or want to see it returned if indeed OW returns it.

Put simpler, I am UNLIKELY to continue with the marriage for as long as OW had this gift- no therapy would help me here.

As others have said, and you said, he is protective of her. he refused to ask for it (whether for logical reason or not, he refused) back. To me I would interpret this as wanting to shag her, still with her and/or hoping to rekindle this back.

Again, in all those scenarios, how can anyone begin to reconcile whilst that massive elephant is in the room? But I know many people are made of harder stuff than me. I just couldn't.

Yes, asking for it is not because I want the money etc- it would be sold and won't care if she indeed returns it, but it should be requested back- but just for the above reason.

I could even make Dh sent a solicitor's letter telling her it is marital property. If he can't do any of this, he really had checked out of this marriage, and OP seems to have resigned herself to that.

Sorry not proofread as trying to catch Rachel on LBC about her budget.

If you have asked him to get it back and he has refused, then his unwillingness would be all the insight I would need to know it’s properly over.

As the necklace was a token from him to her of something of 20k’s worth of importance, then his unwillingness towards you now, is a token to you of infinitely more importance.

Shocked as you must be, with that awful sick to the stomach feeling, I think you need to get tough now and fight for your rights before he gives more away.

In my experience a man buys a woman jewellery whatever the cost because it means something.

I'd want £10k off him because he used joint money.

Then I'd get rid of him

Look I would be getting more than £10k or £20k in a divorce. It isn’t about the money per se. It’s what it says.

Sorry not meaning to sound snappy. But it just really isn’t about that.

I actually don't agree. I think jewellery is lazy, especially if you take her to buy it. There is absolutely no thought, just money.

And why 10K? He used 20K of joint money, 20k should be ringfenced if they get divorced