He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

You need to separate anything that OW might think/feel about you and focus on your children.

The bottom line is that the £20grand he spent on his mistress should have been split £10k and £10k into junior ISAs or whatever for your children.

I would demand he asks for it back. You don't need to worry about her satisfaction or whatever - that's irrelevant. He has chucked £20 grand down the bog. I promise you, even if he's a millionaire, or even a 2millionaire or whatever, £20grand is not to be chucked down the bog on a shag.

He doesn't want to ask for it back because he still probably wants to shag her, or may still be doing so.

What a filthy piece of shit he is.

I'd give yourself a good talking to and set a deadline, maybe a year away and do everything you can to make the marriage work.
In the mean time, there was a classic Mumsnet thread of useful stuff for women planning on divorcing wealthy men, how to cushion your exit. Plan for that as well.

Best wishes, it could be the start of a better relationship, good luck.

You're upset about the necklace because it indicates that he cared enough about her to buy a very expensive, personal gift for her. That indicates emotional involvement.

My 1st husband (I won't say "dear") was a liar and a cheater and spent money he didn't have on his side whores. I left and am extremely happy with 2nd dh.

Nothing to add other than i am so sorry and I hope that you can find a way forward with yourself - with or without him.

Oh I think it’s very important. He spent 20k of family money on his mistress. I’d want my half back immediately as I didn’t get to shag her.

Do you, @Spikyseason think that your husband will stay married to you to the end of his days? That he has learnt his lesson? That he has come to his senses and realises how much you and your children mean to him? Is he desperate to explain, convince and persuade you to give him chance to repair the colossal damage he has done to you? (From what you have detailed on this thread) I don't think so.

I think your husband loves how easy you make his life.

You are confused by his words and actions because you are looking for the man you thought you married.

What I think is certain: the only person we can be absolutely sure that your husband loves is himself.

^This.

OP, I just wanted to add another thing. You seem to be focused on his true motivations for wanting to stay with you. But maybe flip it and think why would he want to leave? There is zero reason for him to leave.

He had the perfect set-up before you found out and he probably thinks he can have that again one day (although I suspect that his set-up hasn’t changed at all and she is still on the scene given he protected her from you outing her).

But what you need to think about are YOUR motivations. Not his. Why do you want to stay in this marriage? And are those reasons strong enough to carry you through the immense amount of work forgiveness requires?

Only you can decide that. And you don’t need to decide today or even this year but at some point you do need to decide to either draw a line under it and move forward, regardless of what other information may come to light, or split up.

Is this meant to be funny?
Have you read the thread?
OP is going through mental turmoil and you think it's all about her getting him to give her £ 10,000?

Upon reading some of your replies, OP, I almost think the red flag here is your sugar daddy comment. I’m sure we’ve all seen it enough times where men have an almost breakdown and pick up some young airhead type where there is just a total disparity between them, it’s clearly all about sex and you know it will never last in the cold light of day. But that’s not what happened here. Your husband has had a relationship with someone more of an equal to him, a woman of substance with a good job and who can presumably stand on her own feet. It makes me think there’s something deeper relationship wise between them.

I don’t think it’s all about the money at all but the ‘diamond necklace’ is literally the subject header of the thread. Maybe you need to go back and reread.

Of course she does. And every man has the right to sleep with whomever he likes. I can not control someone else's sex life. We can request that our partners don't have sex with other people but we know we can never guarantee that they won't. The only thing we can control is how we choose to react to it.

Yes exactly. As I said, had he been some old fool having a mid-life crisis with a bit of fluff it would be different in some ways, easier to take because the whole fantasy life thing rings a bit more true. She actually has a very lucrative job in a hard to get into industry. 7 year age gap, but not huge in the scheme of things.

Actually, if you are staring at the legal fees for a divorce and the costs of running your own house as a single parent with DC, through no fault of your own, it very quickly becomes about the money. This man has just taken £20k out of the family pot. Half that was the OP’s and all of it should have been for the benefit of the family.

But really, if he ended things with her after a year and wasn’t moping around mooning after her, logically I would say be probably didn’t. Heartbreak is visible and if he ‘lost’ someone he loved, I think you’d have seen that.

I don’t agree with this. I once lost someone I couldn’t have, and had to hide my heartbreak from everyone I know. I cried every single day. And no one knew.

I also think very easy to disguise his heartbreak over her as ‘remorse’. Who knows what all those tears are for, really.

was he ashamed, yes. Very angry (supposedly at himself, but also just generally enraged, not directed at me necessarily) and I worry that I was just seeing what I wanted to see.

Well yes and there is always the very real possibility that he hasn't ended things with her at all. Just being more careful. And if he hasn't ended things he wouldn't be looking heartbroken.

Angry at being caught maybe. Why would he be enraged at himself after he'd done it for A YEAR.

You'd be enraged at yourself the first time you crossed the line, surely?

The more you tell us about him the less I like this man.

I agree, and what's the point? If they do get divorced it will all count as joint assets to be divvied up anyway.

There are certain jewellery brands that have very good resale value. Whilst you are making up your mind about where this relationship is going Op, he could make a start by buying you some nice jewellery (think VCA, Cartier etc). You can always sell these later down the line. I bet he buys himself nice watches etc, no?

There seems to be a new 'class' (I use that term very loosely) of person who accepts payment in lieu of services by being gifted very expensive jewellery, handbags, clothes etc. Wears them a couple of times maybe and then sells them on sites like Vestiaire Collective. Not saying the OW is like that, but you could easily drop £20k on a necklace from VCA with no diamonds in sight.

I wish you much love & luck whatever you choose to do Op. I'm sorry you're facing this.

How does your H show his love for your kids, OP?

What does he do for them? What interest does he take in them and their lives and interests, that actually takes significant effort on his behalf?

I couldn’t forgive him, but I hope that you find peace with whatever decision you reach. It will not be an easy path, but I couldn’t move past this happening again and how much harder that would be when you’re 20 years further down the line.
Be an expensive ex-wife and work on things for you outside of the children. You need to be in a position where you feel empowered to walk away. I’m finding it sad to think you might accept all of this and bring up your children to think this is a loving marriage. You deserve more.

Nailed it.

To be fair, this kind of irreverent humour is exactly what has made me feel better at points in the past when I've been in the depths of despair. It's not to everyone's taste but you never know! I hope it HAS made the OP laugh.

There's no fool like an old fool.

He was trying to impress her. What a fool!!

What will you do OP?