He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

If my partner spent time like that with an OW, fancy restaurant, hotel, luxury jewellery that would be it for me I am afraid.
As his wife you deserved all of that and should have got it, and as for never telling her he loved her what type of crumb is that? So the woman he doesn’t love gets the Pretty Woman treatment, and the one he does love gets treated like an afterthought.
Necklace? I’m not so sure. I think watches are very much a ‘thing’ right now, and jewellery is such a personal gift.
I think right now OP your life revolves mostly around your DC which is fine. You have a lovely house and some financial stability. But I think it’s high time you found yourself again. What makes you tick? What do you enjoy? It would be great when the time is right to get yourself working.
I know your DH loves his children but that 20k could have been a substantial sum invested for when they are young adults eg Uni fees, first cars, house deposits.
But if he was going to splash out he should have given you the full works in appreciation for all that you do.

Kids deserve a happy mother.

OK here’s what my husband said on why he risked losing everything (I know I keep quoting my H and yours might be different but he’s the only reference I have for men who have affairs and I think there’s a certain commonality). He didn’t want to lose me (yep I rolled my eyes out of my head too, and possibly threw something at him) but he told himself that wouldn’t happen because I’d never find out, because he’s so clever 🙄 and he could just go on in his little fantasy world having his cake and eating it. Then when I found out he suddenly realised there were real world consequences and they were horrific and he realised how skewed his thinking had been, realised he desperately didn’t want to lose his family and the ludicrous fantasy “love” he had with ow was just that - a fantasy.

As an aside I hope you’ve been tested for STIs or made him get tested and show you the results. (I did the latter).

Please leave this awful man, you'll never be able to trust him.

Just don't go with them & tell them to F off Simple!

A years long affair sounds like there were emotions involved hence he bought her jewellery. How’s the counselling going? I would suggest you also speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row as it sounds like he’s staying with you for the kids and you deserve someone that totally loves you and doesn’t treat you like a convenience!
staying for the kids isn’t always the best thing to do as you will resent him and they will notice kids always do even primary school
age ones.
You need to look at what is best for you to be happy in the relationship as that will give your kids the best childhood not dragging on a dead relationship where your DH treats a mistress better than his own wife.

Interesting. You are saying because a woman is single she has every right to do as she pleases and throw herself at married men. How on earth is that OK?

Yes - men who love their kids don’t extend their work day so they can skip off to lunch or a hotel room with lovers - they finish as early as possible so that they can get home to help bathe or read their kids a bed time story. My DH is a HNW individual after a few decades of hard work. The kids are 16 and 19, and the older one is very challenging due to ASD/ADHD/and severe MH issues. I’ve often wondered why he doesn’t travel more to escape the daily dramas and meltdowns, or my tears, esp through menopause. Frankly I often wonder whey he is still here and hasn’t had an affair. I’d actually understand it.

Instead he tries to WFH at least one day a week, he will delegate travel where he can, he coached the cricket team for 4 years so he could spend quality time with our son even though it created considerable stress at work on match and coaching days for him to try and get stuff finished and home in time. When my kids were doing ice skating (🤯) one doing figure in one town 3x a week and the other in another town/county for ice-hockey he did as much as he could to help.

Love isn’t holding down a job and footing the bills. It’s making decisions that impact your and your children's lives for the better and this, alone would be why my DH would never have an affair. He would never do anything that would negatively impact his kids, risk a divorce, the sale of the house, the weekly disruption of shared care. Love involves balancing personal needs, sometimes even subordinating them, for the wellbeing of your kids. Love involves being present, not swanning off on a shopping day [spending 2 years worth of university fees on trifles] and a hotel stay with the OW.

He may thinks he loves his kids, because that is the narrative he tells himself, but he doesn’t really understand what love is, does he?

Just ignore all these women telling you to leave him and get the jewelry back. You do what is best for you and your kids. None of them will care one way or another what happens to you.

I’m not making excuses for him at all but I think genuinely in his mind the world with his kids was probably an entirely separate thing in his mind. I guess that’s easier to do when you’re not doing all the school runs, lunches, dinners, after school clubs etc etc!!

in terms of our relationship we had been together since mid twenties and then by mid thirties all our friends were either married or getting married and we kind of just had a conversation about it and I ended up booking everything. It was also around this time he started doing very well at work.

DC not initially in the plan as I have medical issues that make conception tricky but actually got pregnant easily. He really did not cope well with young children. Very angry about disturbed sleep. Preferred to have hired help on holiday. That sort of thing.

so I can’t help but feel how his secret life with the OW and the OW herself would have been what he had chosen. What he preferred. And I’m what he’s been lumbered with because of kids and life just happened that way. Always told myself he wasn’t an extravagant gifts sort of man. Which is why this hurts more than it maybe should. The icing on the cake really.

This 1000 %. This is says it all. OP please read this ,your husband does not love his kids, he loves his lifestyle and that includes a mistress/es)

Have you got joint savings? If so clear the bank account now and put it all in your own account. Then file for divorce. You

He really did not cope well with young children. Very angry about disturbed sleep. Preferred to have hired help on holiday. That sort of thing.

So him saying he's choosing you and the children over the woman he doesn't love is yet another flipping lie. He doesn't actually want the children, this will be about him keeping his money. His. Not yours. Not the children.

Maybe but as I said he has never been materialistic or hugely bothered about money?? He doesn’t spend extravagantly on himself, yet another reason this hurt. He is generous with the kids and we have a nice lifestyle but he isn’t flash.

he said he would die for the kids but just words isn’t it. Maybe staying with me is a kind of death for him and he’s martyring himself. Who knows.

and ultimately he would take a hit in the divorce but he would make it back. I genuinely don’t know what to think.

Leave him well behind before he does the ‘pick me dance’

The thing is OP, if you stay with him, you know he's going to do this again, if not with this woman then someone else. And from everything you've said, I think you need to be realistic and think he might well leave you at some point, if you don't leave first.

In a way, the OW is irrelevant. The fact is that your husband has shown you he's not committed to your marriage, you or the kids. So you need to be sensible and factor that into your future. As others have said, you need to think about going back to work, and also make sure you actually do know how much your husband earns and all his assets. If he can just spend £20K like that, he's a very wealthy man and half of that is yours.

Also - he's an absolute wanker and you deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself, not this self-serving bellend.

Beware if the OW is truly off the scene for your DH it’s way easier for him to stick to the status quo and ‘work’ on the marriage than disrupt lives and go through all the hassle of separating when there is nobody waiting in the wings.

@Spikyseason I think men often don’t really want kids, and sometimes they have to get to know them and fall in love with them. I have to be honest that my DH really only acquiesced to them because he knew I wanted them and his parents were desperate for GCs (no other avenues for them). He found it really hard when they were young, and I sort of realised having seen him look at his baby god sons as though they were alien creatures but grow into the role once they were old enough to learn ball skills and he was able to find a way to connect when they were older.

Thing is, whether your DH kind wandered into fatherhood inadvertently or not, whether he understand was that actually means in terms of love and commitment, he is an adult who married and had children - he made a legal commitment to you and is legally and morally obligated towards his kids.

I am sorry if any of my posts have been in the LTB vein, but I really would advise you asking him for some space and spending time with really , really good friends so that you can take stock and decide whether, given his obvious diffidence towards your beautiful DCs, continuing the marriage for their sake is actually in their interests? I infer that this, really, is what you are doing.

There are some fabulous books on raising children positively after separation and divorce and there are organisations like Gingerbread and FamilyLives.org.uk who you could call to ask for counselling and advice. Speak to close family and even closer friends and establish if you would have a support network if you chose to do this alone, because that is what you need to know - that you are NOT alone, that you have people at your back who value you and want you to be happy too.

And, please do consult a lawyer to establish if there is a way to be awarded the house and enough financial support to manage until the youngest is 18 and while you work out how to get back into work - be that by training for a new career, refreshing out of date qualifications etc - and develop a plan that helps you personally get back on track with ‘self actualisation’ so that you feel stronger, build your self-esteem, make new friends and model recovery from this in a way that inspires and reassures your kids.

You are reeling at the moment, but you can bounce back from this IF you decide that actually you want a future that does not include your DH. You sound like an incredibly kind, considerate and caring person and mother. He hasn’t deserved you. And you certainly don’t deserve this.

Regarding everyone saying you should go back to work, if you do think you may decide to divorce, going back to work would be furthest from my mind. I would be going into the divorce with the full expectation that as he is HNW, he would continue to fund my current lifestyle whilst I raised the children in the family home. If he can afford an expensive mistress, he can afford an expensive ex-wife.

You also say:
Spikyseason · Today 12:25
he does love our kids. He isn’t a complete monster. I genuinely think he believed he would never get caught, or even if he did, ultimately he won’t actually lose them. He would get shared care.

Did you get much love and affection when you were growing up, OP? I get the feeling that perhaps you didn't, particularly in light of the fact that your mum was alcohol dependent. Perhaps you have never had a good model of what a loving relationship or a loving parent looks or feels like. Please book yourself some therapy sessions. This is how damage continues from generation to generation, because you learn to be how your parents were and don't see that there are different ways of being. You can help your children by learning how to encourage them to have higher expectations of closeness and support within a relationship. It sounds as if you just drifted into marriage in a state of inertia. I've known other people get married because everyone else was getting married: you're not alone in this. Now money and the power that comes with it has changed your partner.

An awful lot of men who'd say without a doubt that they love their children have very little contact with them. All those deadbeat dads who play no part in their childrens' everyday lives, but get all sentimental at Christmas...

Forget the words: anyone can say anything. The behaviour is what counts. The fact that he's chosen to spend time away from you and the children when possible, that he doesn't want to be around them on holiday (so has hired help to look after them), the fact that he's had a long affair and hasn't shown remorse or come completely clean with you — these tell me that he's not deeply interested in family life and doesn't really care about his children.

I can see you're still wanting to fence-sit and I can understand. Have six months psychotherapy, start to understand yourself and your DH and your past better, then make your decision.

He lies.

And he lies in ways that prop up his notion of himself as a great guy, NO MATTER how much it hurts you.

And as for not having feelings for her - that's another lie, again calculated to put him in a good light ("I didn't emotionally cheat, ergo I am a Nice Man") even though it it is actually MORE hurtful for you. It's one thing his having romantic notions of having his head turned, it was a fantasy, an escape etc.. THat's pathetic, but at least it's understandable.

It's another thing entirely to risk his entire life and the emotional and mental wellbeing of his wife and children on something that "meant nothing". He's effectively saying that you and the children mean LESS THAN EVEN THAT.

Either way, I think you know this is over, and I do so feel for you. It's yet another ton of sh1t he's dumped on you isn't it - he's waiting for YOU to be the bad guy, for YOU to call time on it. The spineless, heartless, selfish, nasty, dick-led weasel that he is.

He is beneath your contempt.

I am so sorry to read this post OP.
My parents were divorced and my Mother was miserable but that hasn't been my experience whatsoever and it wouldn't need to be yours just because your Mother fell apart.
I think maybe you feel daunted at the prospect of going back to work and all the unknowns of being divorced but believe me you would be fine particularly with a reasonable amount of money in the mix.
I would very quietly start thinking about the practicalities of leaving and see a solicitor which commits you to nothing but may help you clarify your thoughts.
I couldnt get past the gift and really when the affair was discovered he should have come clean about it then because nobody short of an Emir would consider it inconsequential and all his blathering about he wasnt thinking is absurd and would leave me wondering what other details has he omitted to mention.
Its very tough divorcing but I think your marriage will not last the distance and life is short - try and find the strength to leave it

I’d be asking for 10k of his money into my personal account immediately.

Only you can work through your feelings here. And there is a lot to work through as you are naturally also reflecting on the circumstances of you marrying, how he coped with babies and young children and how he can obviously compartmentalise his life - something that many men can do.

You obviously have a very comfortable lifestyle, but would also be fine financially with a divorce if it comes to it.

But don't kid yourself that if you were to stay the children will definitely benefit in the long term. They may, they may not. It would all depend how you could effectively "forget and forgive" everything that has just happened.

His job is not going to change is it, as he's obviously highly successful. So the working late, nights away etc aren't going to stop. So how effective will you be at being at ease with this going forward? If he's a bit distant and scratchy are you going to assume he's resumed his affair or started another? Are you going to be constantly checking his phone, bank and credit card statements etc for years to come? If you mention you want something of a high value and he baulks at the cost are you going to think well he dropped £20k on his mistress with no problems?

Ultimately, how are you going to trust him again and how are you going to trust that he wants to be with you and the children because of who you are, or is it more he doesn't really want to face the upheaval of a divorce with all that it entails plus the halving of assets? Will he let the dust settle, be an exemplary husband for the next few years and then get a bit bored and look for excitement again?

These are only answers that you can address. Either now or over a period of time.

I wouldn’t and neither will OP. The money in and of itself is not what this is about.

It’s about the betrayal and what that level of expenditure denotes about the value the DH places on OP and their DCs. The money aspect should be dealt with by lawyers if she choses to go down that route.