He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I’m sorry I know it’s hard to hear but that’s just not what love looks like. Men who genuinely love their children don’t risk their kids happiness like that. It’s not about whether he thought he would ‘lose’ them as in not have shared care etc but actually how it would affect everything about how they view the world, the people they trust, relationships, their entire experience of what family life looks and feels like. He has chosen to completely, negatively and irreversibly change their lives forever, and if he truly loved them, he just wouldn’t have done that. There’s nothing on this Earth that would make me do that to my kids, certainly not a bit of fun exciting sex. I’m sure everyone would like a bit of fun exciting sex. But we consciously choose not to upend our children’s entire lives to get it. Because… (drumroll) we love them!

@Spikyseason I think what you mention about the lack of attention increasing during the affair period says a great deal. It sounds like he checked out of the marriage a while ago, Do you really want to be with someone that’s not invested in you? I was in a similar position with my ex H. Divorced eventually and now I am with someone who cares about anything that upsets me, listens, laughs with me and just makes spending time with me his priority. It’s not a gloat post … because I used to be treated like crap in my marriage so sometimes being treated so nicely ( as I should be) makes me think about my past and also makes me thankful for things that are necessary and not a luxury in a relationship but it still always takes me aback when I’m treated so well. If you don’t mind me asking, why were arrangements for getting married so practical and underwhelming?

It's over. It doesn't sound like it was ever great.

The fact that the affair went on for so long is a huge issue. This is not just a mistake or a drunken encounter.

Get advice and divorce him. You do not have to slide into alcoholism, you could hold your head up and have a great life and be seen to be having a great life.

This will affect your kids but more so if you stay. No human can fake a happy relationship with their spouse under these circumstances.

A dignified exit, making it as easy for the kids as possible and be done with this louse. I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone wash his clothes, feed him or consider sex.

I want my husband to be faithful because he is invested in our marriage. Not because all the women in the world agreed not to be with married men. It is the cheaters fault entirely.

the person who said op needs to speak to her parents as they understand the dynamics, was actually spot on.

I am very analytical, and really picking out useful points made by the op and also made by others here and there. someone who knew the op, would be able to mould this together and advise the op clearly.

yes, have given a lot of helpful relationship advice- friends liked coming to me, but it helps to just know the person a bit more, to really help. it is understandable if op doesn't want irl persons knowing this just yet.

@NotTheMrMenAgain absolutely fantastic post. I agree with your every word.

You're reflecting on your family history and dread it happening to you, and that's totally understandable. But it doesn't have to be like that. I really detest the LTB kneejerk reactions on mumsnet at times and think jesus that coujd be saved with hard work. In your case though I really can't see it for the following reasons:

You found out by rogue text, when you found out, if he had come completely clean, told you everything, said he was willing to anything and everything to save your marriage, I would have a tiny shred of hope that you could try.

As it is he has only told you what he "has" to, you found out about that huge present months later.

I worked for a very high end jeweller and although it happens, it's more unusual for someone to spend that kind of money on a ring than a necklace, if he's used to buying very expensive presents maybe, but you say its unusual, and I think a ring is a much more likely gift.

Dies that really matter? Well no not in the context of the price but if it's another lie to make it not sound as much as it was in regard to his feelings for her then it's a big difference? A ring is much more personal.

I just get the vibe from your posts that you feel he's not remorseful, he's not being truthful, and I personally could never believe him again.

I wish I could wave a wand and make it OK for you, you must be devastated. Have you good friends who know you to give you support?

OP, this is ultimately your life and your decision whether you stay or not in this relationship.

As somebody else said look at the actions not words. Words are very cheap.

Look at your posts. Has he been remorseful? Doesn’t look like it. Even when you threatened to contact OW he defended HER.

It’s not about monetary value-you-re worthy of coat she’s worthy of diamonds paid by the money taken from you and your children.

It’s about what it represents.

Up until now he showed you that he values her more than he values you and your joint children.

Why does he want to stay with you? Does he actually want to stay with you?
Actually what he wants doesn’t matter. What do you want?

Do you want to be eaten by resentment towards your H and eventually split up years down the line or do you want to stay with him?

I’d suggest some counselling for you to deal with your feeling (whatever the outcome of your marriage).
For this marriage to survive your H would have to put significant amount of work in it which at the moment he’s not willing to.

Get some real life support and weigh your options(even LTB requires some thinking)

There is a Chump Lady website which explains what affair does in all areas of life and possible scenarios.
You don’t have to agree with her 100% but it will enlighten you in some aspects- sweeping the issue under the carpet is not an option- and this is ultimately what your H wants.

Good luck whatever you decide 💐

What a brilliant post.

I have to say I had similar thoughts about the H's "efforts".

Your H seems to be doing the bare minimum he needs to do in order to stay in the relationship.

This is a husband who has treated his wife with disdain and contempt. The minute you have filed someone away as worthy of disdain and contempt, the relationship is done. Yes, you can over a long long time come to your senses and see your own faults and the other person’s virtues. It happens. But that’s a long time to be the object of disdain and contempt (which will become indifference after a while).

Staying in such a scenario can still be possible, though. Plenty of women do it. Some try to make it worthwhile by redressing the balance: a post-nuptial agreement, a house and income ringfenced for her, freedom to also have a separate romantic life. Some don’t bother and just live their own separate lives in the same house, seeking fulfilment and joy elsewhere.

I don’t know what I’d do with young primary-aged kids. I think I’d be looking at my DH with different eyes, not the man I married. He’d be “just another” lying cheating duplicitous pathetic moron who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, insecure and feeble. I don’t think I could share a life with that sort of person. But everyone is different. Maybe I could organise my life so I wouldn’t have to spend much time with him at all, while he bankrolls my and my children’s lives and I live a totally separate life without working. Yuck, but possible.

@Spikyseason

This is a recent thread re: affair, separation, divorce planning.

Different situation as the OP is older with grown up children so different priorities and practicalities.

But there's lots of information and good advice in the thread so you may find it useful to look at.

Blindsided by H
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h

Urgh! Typo, I meant of course it's more USUAL to spend money on a ring rather than a necklace! To late to edit

@Spikyseason its not over. well not for you anyway. its never going to be the same between you again and the affair plus the extravagant gift will never be out of your relationship.

I never get the whole "I dont understand/I am confused" questions posts like yours always ask. without 100% honesty from your partner of course you wont understand and thats the point. he doesnt want you to understand thats why its all hidden. as for the I never said I loved her bollocks I am afraid that is just what it is, bollocks. because he knows that if he says he did then its over because its your red line. so he is going to do or say anything he needs to just to keep the right side of the line. Until, of course, the next woman comes along. because there will be another woman. you have to stop playing the pick me game. he had you and didnt want you , he wanted someone else. your kids will cope when you split up because honestly reading everything you have said, its either now or the next time or the next time or the next time. dont lose all self respect by clinging on. this relationship is done. he is never ever going to be completely honest with you, is that how you want to live the one and only life you get OP?

Excellent post 👏👏👏

It is scary to start from fresh and sometimes nothing.

So many practicalities to deal with, things to learn, stuff to figure out.

There’s a lot of good people out there willing to help if they get an inkling what’s going on.

You’d be surprised how many things are actually working themselves out 🙂

Need to leave the thread...but my heart really breaks for the op. I am almost in tears just thinking of how devastated she must be.

Many of OP's analysis are correct: he has no respect for the wife; he didn't care to risk losing her.

Others say the 20K is a down payment: part of me thinks this too: hence his casual attitude with you as 'many OW women's heart strings' would be moved towards 'he loves me' and wait for him no matter how long the wait is. So DH is in no rush at all as both his positions are secure. Indeed this is the classic want his cake and eat it.

Sorry op.🌻

I don't think, given the OP's mother became an alcoholic after the marriage ended, that this is good advice at all.

Actually 20K on a diamond necklace doesn't get you that much.
However that's irrelevant.

Is he trying to make amends?

What sort of lifestyle do you lead? Dropping 20K on a gift would be indicative to me of a £3 million plus house, multiple holidays, new cars etc.

I think what I'm asking is what do you get out of this marriage? Is it worth your pain?

Yes, picked up the mum's position after I posted. Thanks for marking this.

IRL friends might be able to support her too.

OK, the women are completely innocent. I am sorry I don't agree. I've witnessed women at Christmas functions throwing themselves at married men.Thankfully most of them brush it off. The ones that take advantage are deplorable but the fact is it happens which makes women like this partly responsible.

Thanks for everyone’s posts - I am reading all of them, just struggling to keep up replying!

Because women should be held responsible for men's actions.

Two people decide to have an affair but only one is responsible for choosing it, or not. Because that one has tits.

Do men they not have brains of their own?

They sure manage to earn aot for people with no brains.

Do they not have any morals?

So we expect men to not have any morals but expect women to have only the highest morals.

OP maybe somebody mentioned it up thread but get yourself booked for STD tests.

As for your mother- don’t compare yourself to her.
Your life and her life are not the same. Seems like she couldn’t (for whatever reason) cope and move on that’s why I recommended for you to have some counselling.

I’m one of 2 in my social circle that has split up with H/P. It doesn’t mean that the others will split up too.
On the outside every relationship looks ok but nobody knows what’s behind closed doors.

There is a life out there 🙂 you can influence it a lot.

Think about what do you want and how to achieve it. Don’t live your life based on expectations and judgement of the other people.

You can’t control somebody’s behaviour but you can control the way you react to it.

Yes, let's all blame women for men choosing not to remain committed to their partner. Of course it's women's responsibility to ensure that men keep their promises and don't hurt their wives 🙄

Who said they're "innocent"?

They can do what they like, attached men don't have to take the opportunity.

Imagine that.

(Just like women don't have to take the opportunity with the office player, who would flatter them and sympathise with them and flirt with them etc etc).

It’s not just me I have to think about though is it, it’s my kids

Never stay in a bad relationship for the children. The children aren't stupid, they will know (and hear and see and feel) that their parents aren't how they used to be together, they will know you are both walking on eggshells with the odd snipe. And when they grow up and find out you stayed in such a toxic marriage they will feel such guilt (and possibly self hatred).

Then of course, what happens when the children leave home? Your marriage WILL end at that point so staying for the children will just mean 15 years of sadness, anger, frustration, resentment and contempt. So why bother? Just get out now.