He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

@Spikyseason you deserve so much more in life.

You may not want to leave now but get your ducks in a row just in case in a years time you cannot cope with it. Bank accounts statements usual stuff that you might need, you have access to stuff now but that might not be the case in future.

my heart breaks for you op. I hope you have nice friends around: spa day etc etc. I would also buy myself a 20K plus item as I work through my feelings. don't even like birkin bags but I would find one for 40K. if he can afford 20k on a whim he can afford double that.

trust me, spending this huge sum on yourself (the practical wife) might just reveal his reaction to it which will tell you all you need to know.

I know my dh won't bat an eye lid if I spent 5K on a whim on myself, but 20K? he would be interested to hear and understand my thought process that got me to that.

I know op might not want to talk about it; but how the affair was conducted would explain if his planning for meet ups went above and beyond what he normally is his limit just for a shag. or if maybe it was more than that. I know my dh's limits.

*planning and the efforts made to hide the affair...

You deserve so much better OP. I don’t think I could get over that sort of thing, he spent £20k on the OW instead of his own DC. It’s unforgivable

As far as I know and understand it he would take afternoons off work to see her, stay late, his work involves that and overnight trips, stays in town, entertaining clients. Wasn’t hard to get away with it.

so yes a lot of deception and planning. He became very absent and even more uninterested in me, quick to anger all the usual, so I suspected and then found the message.

@Spikyseason being happy on your own is better than staying together for the kids, who WILL pick up on things. Obviously a hard decision though.

I’d have to ask about how he views you - like you said, why were you never on that pedestal and receiving those kinds of gifts? If he ‘settled’ all along then everything will be a betrayal
for you. I think counselling might help get that stuff out there if you can’t talk without arguing (counselling doesn’t have to be ‘to get you back together’ it can have whatever purpose you want).

Dear god let this post not be real.

I think in answer to your original statement about kidding yourself, you have been surviving. The question is now that you have found your anger and can see through the lies, what next?

You deserve the world OP. Please get a solicitor and at least talk about your options. No point getting counselling with the cheater he will use it to minimise what he's done and to blame shift.

It wasn't a one off, it was a year long relationship. He most definitely hasn't been honest about any of it OP. It is even over? Is he now engaged to OW?

No point spending money on investigators when by his admission he has done it all. Doesn't matter in modern divorce anyway.

Put yourself and you DC first. Earlier one I think I said rinse him. After all of your updates I double down on that. Good luck OP

The faux disbelief is almost funny.

I don't understand why anyone would marvel at the fact that a woman who's happy sleeping with someone's husband for a while year, wouldn't also accept a generous gift from said man.

And as you say, she didn't exactly rip him off. He's been romancing her for a year, and as we now know, was happy to be prancing around spending ridiculous sums of money on her birthday.

Did he suddenly make a lot more money in recent years op? A diamond necklace, Porsche, mistress etc is often the go to ' flex' for the 'newly minted middle aged male ego. " When women make serious money they often feel like they no longer need a man; but when a man makes it, he often feels the need for an extra woman...

The thing is he’s been hugely deceitful for a period of time and his behaviour towards you changed. That’s horrible enough.

Presumably in his position he can offset a lot of their restaurant and hotel bills on expenses but the £20k jewellery piece out of salary is the biggest kicker ever. Especially since he doesn’t splurge those type of amounts on you.

HNW individuals don’t spend that type of money on a whim. They still judge money and relevant expenditure as evidenced by your presents of say a £400 jacket at Christmas and not a £10k watch.

The £20k gift is the value he placed on the relationship as he would have had to earn £20k plus the relevant tax to get that net value.

What else don’t you know as this is what you’ve discovered. I just don’t see how you can get past all of this. I know I couldn’t.

Are you sure it's a necklace?
I'd contact the store and get him to request the receipt/ see the registration of the product.
Could have been a promise ring, which would answer your question of love.
A £20k piece of jewellery would have been a registered sale in the store, it would be easy to find out the exact item.

thank you.

re:As far as I know and understand it he would take afternoons off work to see her, stay late, his work involves that and overnight trips, stays in town, entertaining clients. Wasn’t hard to get away with it.

whilst I agree you need to leave, I am also surrounded by HNW individuals at work and at home so 'have observed the type' a bit too, so happy to share. to me, the highlighted bit shows this lady just fell into his existing work routine, which made the affair easy to start and continue. So, this was a lazy affair which unfortunately is why many men who do this, do it- easy, lazy 'but exciting'. you say, she is out of his league, this explains his 20k spend to impress her and perhaps to try to 'beat real or perceived competition' and looks like he did choose it. {although even I can make a few noises for my dh to up the spend on something I really like and still be like he chose it- so she may very well have guided him to it.) If indeed this characterisation is closer to the truth, I have read many many women forgive this and stay. Only he can come clean and confess if it was love or just s£x. but if I was minded to stay, this would tap the balance for staying. (off I won't stay as my firm are different, but this is about the op)

Anyway, I don't have answers for you. But I believe if you stay, you need to have first obtained full financial disclosure and spoken to a lawyer, so you know where you stand, as others have said. You can then do counselling together and therapy 'to work' on the marriage. You sound vulnerable (even before you said you don't work and plan to work and you will be ok financially0, but you need to spot being passive in this marriage and take back control. As an outsider, it all sounds like he has all the control which is why you can't work out his true motivation. Most likely to be the money he stands to lose in divorce though, is his motivation for staying...so all this is not easy.

Hugs and take care.

Jesus.

Was there really any need for that?

OP I really feel for you but I don’t understand why you’re getting so hung up on whether or not he says/believes he loved her. He apparently loved you and your children and treated you all like you were shit on his shoe, so he obviously doesn’t have much of an idea what love actually is or feels like. Think about the way you feel about your children - would you honestly risk their happiness, their self-worth, the stability of their entire childhood, the potential success of their future relationships etc etc for a bit of sex? No, of course you wouldn’t. Because you actually do love them. This asshole’s opinion on whether or not he ‘loved’ his side piece is moot anyway surely? He very clearly doesn’t actually love you and your children, even though he presumably says he does, so why would you trust his word on whether or not he loved the OW? I don’t get it 🤷🏻‍♀️

He did introduce me to friends and colleagues and also took me to their house (after he said she’d moved out). He took me to look at flats with him. Shocking I know.

But they do whatever necessary in the moment to facilitate their lies.

Im pretty sure this ow will have been fed similar lies.

Op - what is his “proof” that he isn’t seeing this woman anymore?

After the man in my scenario told his wife it was over with me, it was a mistake (I was a psycho!) etc he was back messaging me after a couple of weeks from a new number.

To which I obviously told him to go fuck himself and blocked. But he would’ve definitely carried on.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you.

This entire birthday (because the hotel, restaurant and other activities are all on top of the 20k jewellery) seems a huge investment. After a 1 year affair, it's unlikely this was just to continue having sex with her.

What would torment me, because he's never going to be truly honest, is the - "so what exactly is she offering that is so special? He doesn't love her (he says), so what is she giving him that is worth so much, he'd chase her down the road with £20+k for it?

After all, if it was just sex, he could get that anywhere and at a lot less than £20+k.

I have a feeling it was a ring not a necklace, and that she was under completely different assumptions about their relationship than he let on. God knows how long he was planning on stringing her along with a promise of marriage, while having no intention of divorcing (or at least not until the children were out of school). No wonder he won’t get back the ‘necklace’. It’s not a necklace at all, is it?

*tip balance
*ofc I won't stay as my circumstances are different....

he does love our kids. He isn’t a complete monster. I genuinely think he believed he would never get caught, or even if he did, ultimately he won’t actually lose them. He would get shared care.

me on the other hand he was prepared to risk losing, I agree with that. I question it because it goes to how possible reconciliation is. I was getting my head around sex. Now I’m getting my head around something else, potentially. In one hand he is doing this, on the other, doing what he can to stay in the marriage. Does he think it will last long term if it’s just ‘for the kids’? I don’t think I could, so yes I do want to know the underlying feelings and motivations. If he loved her it’s over isn’t it. Now or in a few years, it will ultimately be done.

so I’m trying to come to terms with it. I think if you’d been though it ( maybe you have and sorry if so) you would understand that but I get it seems insane. Things like this do make you feel like you’ve lost your mind though.

Our children are relatively young, primary school age. I don’t work, I will probably have to eventually if we divorce but ultimately financially I would be ok, I know that. My parents split up and my mum ended up alone after my Dad’s affair. Became an alcoholic. So part of me obviously has an irrational fear this will happen to me. I didn’t want DC to experience what I did as a child either.

I can see that that experience would make leaving more difficult. How about finding a decent counsellor/ psychotherapist and having a few sessions discussing your fears? At times like this you need to have people on your side, and while a therapist won't tell you what to do they will be able to support you to do what you need to do for your own good. Planning ahead and focussing on your and your children's long-term well-being could be a good way of turning this round from an emotional nightmare into a positive decision.

Bleachbum upthread — wife of a HNW divorce lawyer — is absolutely right. Can you see any solicitor/ legal firm charges anywhere on his accounts? It may be that he's already taken legal advice, thrown up in the wastepaper basket when he realised how much he'd lose and decided that financially his best bet is to stay together while you bring the children up and he has a chance to conceal earnings and dispose of assets where you can't find them. In your shoes I'd be looking at ways to prepare myself for returning to work, which might mean studying for extra qualifications now. You can clearly afford childcare. Don't push work into an 'eventual' position. The right work will give you routine and and focus and self-esteem, which are all important ways of stopping the loneliness/ depression/ isolation spiral that your mother seems to have fallen into.

What a bloody mess! I really feel for you, OP. I could write a novella about the discovery of my ex-husband’s multiple
mistresses - made lock down ‘interesting’ - and how much of a shock it was as I had trusted him completely. I knew immediately when I discovered mistress no. 1 that the marriage was over as I’d never, ever trust him again. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through for the past 5
months. It must be gut wrenching to have gone through the motions of trying to rebuild some semblance of a
marriage only to discover more big secrets/lies.

I’ve done some reading around cheating and moving on, had betrayal trauma counselling, been on spiritual retreats run by monks to reconnect with my inner voice, done work shops to find my authentic wild woman, played drums and screamed into the darkness in a forest, pretty much the full works.

The fundamental upshot of all this is I’ve learnt that humans are fundamentally weak/flawed and the only person you can completely rely on is yourself. Yes, this awful thing has happened - been done to you by the person who was supposed to have your back - but you can’t change that. The only thing you can control is your response and how you decide to live your life going forward - don’t let this shitty period define the rest of your life. One day you will look back and all this will just be something that happened. Perhaps your current husband will just be someone you were once married to, but it turned out you didn’t really know him - as my ex is now.

Cheaters are experienced, deceptive liars. You have to be an excellent liar to keep a long term affair going. They lie to themselves to justify what they’re doing. They lie to their affair partner about themselves and their relationship with their spouse. And mostly they lie to you. They will lie to your face, they will lie by omission - as per the necklace, they think if you don’t know about it then it doesn’t matter and isn’t relevant - they will lie to cover their own arse, they will lie to shut up, they will lie for an easier life. They will lie to you with such frequency and ease that you won’t even know which way is up - you won’t know what to believe because you have no idea what the real truth is. This is hugely mentally and emotionally damaging. There is no way out of the fog of deceit when the person you’re meant to be finding a path with is leading you the wrong way, deliberately.

To me, this isn’t about the mystery piece of eye-wateringly
expensive jewellery. It’s about the lack of truth, the lying by omission. What else might you discover a year from now, a decade? It’s no way to live, it will destroy your self esteem and ruin your mental health.

You sound like an intelligent, self aware woman. Your comments about his viewing you a brood mare while the OW was a sparkly thing are spot on and hugely offensive to you. Frankly, he can shove his £400 coat where the sun doesn’t shine!

Staying for the DC is not a good idea. You won’t be able to be happy and thrive in this marriage, to this man who is unable to be completely honest and isn’t trustworthy. He literally has proven himself to be unworthy of your trust. How can you live with a partner like that? He sounds emotionally stunted with his “I never told her I loved her”. So what? Who gives a shit, what does it matter now, the damage is long done. If he were on his knees, begging you to give him a chance to rebuild your trust in him and try to be the husband you deserve by doing everything and anything you ask, then perhaps it might - just might - be different. But it sounds like he’s going through the motions and trying to look like he’s doing the necessary things while still minimising and arse-covering by not being fully honest.

You are worth so, so much more than this. So much more than him - what a disappointment of a husband. You can grieve for the marriage you had and the man you believed him to be, and go on to live a happier life. My experience is that it’s much more lonely in a shambling zombie of a marriage than it is once you’ve taken a metaphorical baseball bat to its head, beaten its brains out and put it out of its misery.

If you’re financially comfortable then the practicalities are much easier. While DC have to be protected they actually are resilient and adaptable - things may change but will fairly quickly become the new normal. As long as you are there for them and they can see that you are okay, then they will also be okay. When you are happier and the home is a more relaxed place, they will feel the benefit.

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything will be okay. You’re the captain of your own future, but please put yourself first and don’t waste much more time on this man and this marriage if you feel like youre flogging a dead horse. You have already really, really tried. Nobody can say that you haven’t given it your best. Five months is a very long time to be living with a cheater in the emotional carnage they leave in their wake. Perhaps take a bit of time away to really think about what you want and how you imagine your best future playing out. Try to identify your inner voice amongst all of the chaos and pain and distraction and give yourself the chance to hear what it has to say. Personally, I hope your inner voice is telling the husband to fuck right off, but that’s just my prejudice against lying, cheating bellends showing itself!

Four years on I’ve had a lot of fun, got a fabulous Fiancé and my DC is doing just fine - in fact, she’s amazing. There is a great future out there, it just might look very different from what you expected. But that’s life - the end of one thing is always the start of a new one. Wishing you all the best. **

I wouldn't want him to ask for necklace back, as you say she won't return it. If fianaces are not joint i would expect a 20k cash gift of my own. If finances are joint i would want 20k ring fenced for my own extravagant purchase.

Petty and doesnt change anything about wether i can trust him or save the relationship but would be the least he could do.

Ultimately if every woman pledged to never agree to an affair with a married man, or getting together with a married man until he'd formally left his wife, perhaps all this heartache could be avoided.This obviously doesn't include women who genuinely believed the man wasn't married. That's a different story.