He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

👌 👍

Come on OP.

At the very least chuck him out. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions. I feel a lot of women and wives are too forgiving of their husbands for the sake of their children. However, I would not be role modelling to my kids that this kind of treatment is in any way ok!

You can't trust his motivations regardless though OP. It makes it worse, not better, if he didn't love her, because it suggests he thinks so little of you and the family that he was happy to put your relationship, your sexual health and your kids' stability and security at risk just for sex.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you can't trust this man ever again. He lied to you for over a year, he only stopped because he was found out, and even then he didn't tell you the whole truth until forced. If you stay with him, you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for the next OW. You and your kids will be much happier and more emotionally healthy without him.

What a mess. Only you can make the decision to stay with someone who has betrayed you so cruelly or call time on the relationship. There is no shame in splitting with a cheating partner and many people co-parent very successfully after a divorce.

At the very least and for your own protection, you need to get yourself an STD check, just in case this wasn't his first rodeo.

I wish you and your DC well, in whatever you decide.

I'd put good money on it not being a necklace at all, but some sort of "promise" ring like https://www.goldsmiths.co.uk/Goldsmiths-Platinum-1.5ct-Diamond-Solitaire-Engagement-Ring-RX5746-1.50CT-H-SI1-RI/p/06019136160 . A necklace might seem less damning so that's what he's told you.

He's still been lying, as this discovery has proven, so he's still seeing her or planning to once things settle down again with you.

You deserve better than this. Your kids deserve better than this.

God this is awful. Even billionaires aren’t spending 20k on women they don’t give a shit about, we all
know this, you know this deep down op. You are being lied to repeatedly and consistently.

You don’t know your family finances- have you got your own income or are you reliant on this dickhead? I’m assuming the latter because if you had your own means surely you’d tell him to fuck off. It doesn’t matter if the household has more money than two individual ones if it’s going to be spent on mistresses is it?

I think it’s one of the saddest thing I’ve read on here that you get a nice practical coat and the other woman gets 20k in jewellery. How little you are valued by this knobber, you are so much better than this lovely and I hope you see that when the dust settles.

20k????? Seriously that's insane. It also shows you what he values, who he values, and speaks more about his feelings than any mealy mouthed words he spouts.

Some girls are VERY materialistic and know how to play their cards. I would suspect this necklace was the OW idea. Affairs make people act completely out of ordinary. Is he is genuinely remorseful?

I've read through your posts and I hear your pain. I'm really sorry. But I do think you have to leave him. I don't think you - or anyone - could get past the rage and betrayal, and feeling of being unvalued, that you clearly feel. My stepdad had an affair and my mum 'forgave' him and stayed with him, but she didn't really and now they are like the Twits out of Roald Dahl. It's painful to be around. I promise you, life as a single mum really isn't so bad. The children survive their parents separating, so long as neither of you are arseholes about it. Your husband does sound like an arsehole, but he's the one who's done the dirty so hopefully he'll be ashamed enough to be civil. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Well said

I think this is very likely.
The whole romantic occasion points to something like this.

I get you, OP, and I'd feel the same way in your circumstances. It's about being actively valued, appreciated and loved on a daily basis. It doesn't have to involve lots of money, but it does need to involve being celebrated for being you. Sex I could get over: I've never really understood those women who think that one drunk kiss at a Christmas party is the end of their marriage. A £20k diamond necklace is a serious gift. It carries a message that a nice practical middle-range jacket doesn't. Gifts are symbolic. He knows this, you know this.

Your DH seems, from what you've said, to hold you in the practical-sensible-mother-of-his-children category. The OW was in the romantic 'I-love-you-to-the-point-of-extravagance' category. Classic mistress territory. Exciting fantasy time, whereas you and the children are dull reality. This is a betrayal of your children as much as you. He took the risk of upending their lives as well as yours.

It's clear that you have a very comfortable life. You don't mention whether you work or not. Such a financially comfortable position can be very difficult to give up. Tempting as it may be to soldier on, in your shoes I'd have to leave, because this new discovery shows that
a) he's not been transparent and contrite and come clean: you've had to dig to get any idea of what he's been up to. Who knows what else he's successfully buried? And
b) he has a fundamental lack of respect for you beyond the fact that you're the mother of his children. What's going to happen in a few years when those children grow up and leave home? We probably all know people left later in life in empty marriages where there's no real feeling involved, or women dumped in their 50s for a younger model.

Personally, I'd prefer to take back control and preserve my dignity and self-respect by putting an end to it now. It sounds as if you now have all his financial paperwork, although given the way he's behaved I wouldn't necessarily trust that he hasn't salted assets away where you can't find them. In your shoes I'd want to investigate further before quietly consulting a good, aggressive divorce lawyer and taking him to the cleaners. I really can't imagine wanting to stay with a man who saw me as 'just' his wife and who gave £20k diamonds to his mistress and didn't apparently, have any remorse for it.

Get away, create a new life for yourself, find someone who doesn't just see you as useful. Good luck.

20 thousand fucking pounds?
He might not have said in words that he loved her but that bloody necklace/ring/whatever sure bloody said it.

Stop kidding yourself @Spikyseason . The affair is not over. The bastard is just taking more care to cover his tracks.

Op he’s not worth your love and loyalty - - Your children will be ok - I left my abusive ex and because we parented healthily and put the children first they are doing really well

Hes not worth it - you need to look at his actions not his words - how is he showing you he’s sorry besides words. £20,000 wow - that’s a very big action isn’t it. He’s not been completely honest with you. 🌺YOU deserve better.
I hope you are having independent counselling -

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yes I was definitely embarrassed in hindsight however unless you have come across one of these types you will never understand how convincing they are. He was extremely charming and extremely manipulative. I’m an intelligent, educated woman and am considered very cynical in my friendship group but I still fell for it 🤷‍♀️

I took him at face value and had no reason to think he was lying, why would I?

Our children are relatively young, primary school age. I don’t work, I will probably have to eventually if we divorce but ultimately financially I would be ok, I know that. My parents split up and my mum ended up alone after my Dad’s affair. Became an alcoholic. So part of me obviously has an irrational fear this will happen to me. I didn’t want DC to experience what I did as a child either.

I did threaten to put OW when I found out and he was very protective. All dressed up as ‘it would make things worse for me’ if things got ugly and then ultimately I suppose I didn’t want to give her satisfaction. I also don’t know exactly what she was told and I suppose part of me doesn’t really want to know.

he said it was his idea, the jewellery. I guess he didn’t want to seem like he was being an idiot or being fleeced. But again also maybe protective?

as far as I know, it’s been over since discovery. Perhaps she wasn’t interested or perhaps he has other reasons for staying. And no he didn’t have this kind of money when we started dating but he also hasn’t spent that much on me ever. He didn’t even propose properly if I’m honest, it was more of a kind of practical agreement. I chose my own ring. Looking back I just feel so stupid.

You aren't stupid OP.
None of this is down to you.

Yes I'm sure liars are good at it, it is what they do but the facts speak for themselves and if someone is still living with their dw or dh they are still in a relationship with them, they are not separated.

Any amount of we don't have sex he/she is unstable etc etc should be discounted until the are living alone and start introducing you to friends and family.

Yep. V. Good point.

Two women both believing the same lie of who a bloke "loves". The wife with the "it was just a fling" and the girlfriend with the promises of "I'm only staying for the kids, here's a huge sign of my love". The only difference with this and every other justifying an affair is a 20k piece of jewellery. At least if he'd bought it for the wife the chances are it would be an asset for the children.

I do understand why people forgive affairs. But my worry would be that he would spend this time getting his ducks in a row, hiding money etc so when the divorce happened he walked away prepared.

So the alternative is that you have to get your ducks in a row, start preparing for the possibility of divorce, hiding your own money, getting a job, preparing.

But what sort of life it that?

What did he say he was doing when he was spending days with this woman? Are you going to spend forever wondering where he is?

Yes, it's the "girls" fault.

Poor guy.

Remorseful?.He never even fessed up about any of it - he's been caught. Now he's using the technicalities like "I never told her I loved her".

Well he "said it with diamonds".

While he got his wife a coat.

This post is ...... Mind blowing.

The things some people will put up with and encourage others to put up with.

He could do this again at any time.

20k of their kids money!!!!!

I would demand he brings the ring back (let's face it, it isn't a necklace, it's an engagement ring) or he moves out. Time to put yourself and your children first OP.

Exactly.

Generally the only person not being lied to in an affair is the married man having it.

And there are women on here encouraging a woman to be played for a fool and stay in a risky, no respect situation.

With a man who has never given her anything approaching what he gave a mistress of a year.

A year at uni for one of the children, so no, not insignificant.